Waiting at the top of 20 steps or so wanting to step by step carry myself down to the bottom, but just inching towards my first step... I feel like falling forward without a second thought. Kind of like waking up to opening a door outside. Walking down my driveway to get the mail but instead a conversation starts to play in my head. An argument, the main question being, should I step back into the street just to see what hits me first?. A thousand questions and confusing suicidal answers, arguments in my head every single second of the day. Am I really so miserable to be stuck in thought, wondering about the next time I could kill myself. Playing on loop like a record, disrupting what I want my life to be or falling down a rabbit hole of endless possibilities, standing at a crossroads with a million roads surrounding me in a circle all making me confused of which path and where each one will lead me. With a heart like a dieing phone or having a psychotic traumatized mind, how shall I choose the decision that would make me not end up where I started. Running in a marathon only to be r chasing down  a street at night alone with cars hitting me at every turn towards a finish line I cant see and with every running step I take, a treadmill goes at full speed launching me back to the start. Tossing my mind like a volleyball across a court back and forth destroying my self perception with every spike. Its hard to know if you've made the right decision when your drowning in a olympic sized swimming pool filled with every single memory or teardrop you have ever experienced since the day u were born. My life is just like a train ride that never stops chugging. The scenery may change but the seat im sitting in always stays the same.