tw eating disorder lots of talk about food don't read if you get trigered please, also ftm dazai not much to it though. in the place of weight there's **.** becauase it's trigering for me then someone says their weight and for other people it might be too so i'm not gonna put the number. also naturally dazai suicide tw but only thinking about it.

I open my eyes and see the celing of the dirty smelly shiping container i oh so adore, i got used to the smell by now actually.
The smell of blood and vomit, I wont clean up because I dont have a reason to. And even if I had I dont even know how i would clean it or where the spot which i need to clean is. 

"whatever" I sigh annoyed, letting my eyes close again. After a while of laying with my eyes closed seeing only darkness caused my thoughts to go wild thinking about verious wonderfull ways i could commit suicide. It was nice, unfortunaly soon something different started walking around in my mind. But I decide to leave this one for later.

I got out of the bed, immediantly feeling dizzy, heh guess I got up too quickly. Either way I reach for my black coat and throw it on walking out of the container, wobly but did.

Going through the city I have my head high up looking at every rooftop thinking about from which one I would die least painfully, also concidering the spots I would fall, on I groan annoyed then every time i see a wonderfully tall building at the base of it there is something spikey and sharp that would for SURE not be painless even a bit. I continue wallking untill my eyes caught on a building that at its base has a little garden with lots of flowers. It wouldn't be painless either considering that a lot of these flowers were roses with spikes. But it would for sure be beautiful die while laying in flowers. Just imagining the way my blood would color all the colorfull plants red if I sliced my skin before falling on them made a smile appear on my pale face. 

A big smile on my pale face mixed with my two dull black holes which some may call eyes must have not been the best sight for a grandma siting some meters away on a bench stared at me with fear for a second, before going back to eating her pice of pastry, a donut more specifically. Which my happy smile interupted. 
Pastry
Hmm...
Now that I think of it I wanted to eat something sweet since the morning.

Not thinking any further my legs take me into the nearest bakery, looking at all the sweet things almost make me loose my mind. If i could. I would DEVOUR every single one of them. the donuts the cakes the cookies, oh, the cookies.

Sadly the small amount of money in my shoe (which I'm still glad for) allows me to get only one cookie. With a slightly sad sigh I walk to the counter puting on, one of my many masks smiling a saying good moring to the pretty lady behind the counter. I chose a the very yummy looking chocolate cookie that makes my mouth drool. 

I get the cookie in a paper bag, say goodbye to the lady, and head out.

I walk in the direction of the place I was previously walking to. 
While walking I stare at the cookie in my hand, it looks so delicious, but for some reason now that I have it I feel slightly guitly. I don't know why but the though of eating it for some stupid reason seems. Scary? I'm not sure if it's the right word but I know that the feelings I'm feeling arent nice. Some peoples laughter makes me go back on earth and out of my thoughts. Looking back at the sweetness in my hand I forget about all the feelings thinking only about how very eatable it looks. I take a bite and my eyes fill with start because of how GOOD this thing is. I take a second bite which is even more good then the previous one and realise that I have only one pice of this heavently treat. And so my next bites are smaller then these of ants, but every one as satisfiying.

Soon after finishing my last bite I am at my destination. The destination being not other then a room in the port mafia headquarters belonging to a cartain angry chihuahua. Grining I take a hairpin out of my pocket and start working on opening the door.

The door open fast and Dazai walks into the apartment swinging his arms childlishly as if he didn't just break into it. The brunette jumps onto the couch siting in his favorite place, puting his legs onto the small coffe table infront of the couch and taking the remote while doing so. After some moving around he finally finds a comfortable position and starts surfing through the chanells. While doing so he from time to time looks at his hand clicking the remote and finds himself fill with some unknown emotion everytime a particular angle makes the bones in his hand more visible. 

Dazai stops at one channel smirking slightly, it's a program about dogs. He gigles as one dog resembles the owner of this apartment horifingly a lot? It's even ginger. The brunette waches the silly dogs on the screen some more (even though he preferes cats) some more until a different rather big-for-a-dog-yet-small-for-a-human groans from another room signaling that he had just woken up. Dazai though doesn't think anything about it, again starting to surff through the channels, quite well for someone who doesn't even has a TV.

A door to one of the rooms opens and Chuya comes out, at first he looks a bit shocked as he sees Dazai, siting on his couch, in his apartment. And with legs on his table too! The shock-ness quickly turns into anger and he starts stomping loudly while walking in the direction of his couch to signal his pressence (not that Dazai needs it).

Btunette turns his head around with his brown curls bouncing, he smiles at the other. "Good morning chibi!" The said chibi even more angry now groans and reaches for the remote, unsuccesfully as Dazai stretches his hand to the right out of Chuya's reach. "What the fuck are you doing in my house! And how did you even get in!!!" 

Dazai only chuchles and goes back to staring at the screen not realy caring what's on it. Chuya frowns and quickly reaches for the remote this time succeding. Dazai fakes a shocked gasp even puting hands over his mouth. "Nooooo" Dazai whines falling onto his back and on the couch to dramatise even more. Chuya opens his mouth to tell the other to get.OUT but is struck with the unfortunate true that the still whining brunette obviously wont do as he says. Still he smack him in the head and walks to the kitchen. "OUCH! What was that for? I think my dog needs castration so he wont be so bad to his owner..." Chuya glares at him while taking out a pan. "Well sorry but it's my apartment if you dont want to be smacked in the head then get out and watch television in your place!" Dazai sighs and rolls over onto his stomach. "To your information I do not have the luxury of a TV, what is kinda weird since you are the dog."

A sound of something cracking is heard as the egg the readhead held broke from how hard he was holding it. "To your information I do not care" he said mocking the latter while turning on the sink to wash his dirty hand. "And I wanted to give you some of the food I'm making but for calling me dog your not getting anything." Dazai shrugged and got up also walking into the kitchen and siting at one of two chairs at the kitchen island. He layed his head on it. "Not that I wanted it anyway knowing you your probably a horrible cook" Chuya finished wiping his wet hands and grabbed the oil pouring a bit on the already hot pan. "All the people that ate my cooking said it's delicious, thank you very much." He finished their conversation with this and got to cooking instead. 

Dazai watched as Chuya grabbed a cutting board and placed it on the counter. Then reached for a tomato and a very sharp looking knife (The bandaged teen considered maybe stealing it later then the other wont be looking) He then also grabbed an onion and pepper started cutting one after another on small pices. With this done he took the board and with the help of his knife put all the content of it onto the pan. Chuya moved the vegetables around for a while and then took three eggs. At this part the brunette stared like a child at the satisfiying scane of Chuya cracking egg after egg onto the pan discarding their shells to the side. He must say Chuya does look like he knows what he's doing so the proposition from earlier seems a bit tempting now. Ignoring this for now, he continued glancing as Chuya moved both eggs and vegetables around the pan now sightly faster. Then he heard Chuya curse under his nose and saw him turning around. "Hey Jackass grab me a plate I forgot to take it out!" He said slightly amberessed that he needs to ask the other for help in something like this. "Cant you do it yourself~?" Dazai asked grining knowing damn well that he's being annoying "No it's gonna burn give me a plate or im gonna smack you again!!!" Dazai sighned and sat up from his very comfortable seat, opening one cabbinet and grabbing a plate, giving it to the other who immediantly snached it and put the food onto it. 

Dazai went back to his seat and still stared as Chuya put some soil and pepper then backing a little to look fully at his creation and grining feeling very satisfied.

(This is an actuall meal i made some days ago it was so very delicious follow this instruction and have a good meal it's very easy too, dont forget about a plate)

Chuya put his plate on the kitchen island and grabbed two forks, then walked around and sat next to Dazai. "Here, you are literally drooling and I know you obviously didn't eat anything today" Redhead said, ofering one fork. Dazai Looked at the fork then at the tasty looking meal, the smell was wonderfull and he didnt eat anything besides his delicious cookie a few hours ago. Then glancing down at the plate again, he though if he should eat it. It feels dumb, it IS dumb.  He though, why is he even thinking about it he's hungry so he should just grab this fork and eat as much as he can so Chuya is annoyed. But for some reason he can't bring himself to grab the fork instead turning other way and puting on an annoyed face "Stupid chibi didn't I say I don't want to eat! or maybe i need to say it in yout language hm?" He then Woof-ed a few times at the now angry Chuya. 

Realy, he's here trying to be nice and that's the treatment he get's "Oh fuck off you dumb mummy" He groaned and kicked other of off the chair. Dazai yellped in surprise as he came crashing to the ground. "Chibi's so meen...." He said faking a cry while standing up. He walked back to the couch watching the still playing channel on TV which Chuya forgot to turn off. It was now playing advertisements of some dumb products that the brunette wonders who would even want. Right now it was a weight with some "super technology~" which was a some sort of thing that counts something? He doesn't know and doesn't realy care, but he thought about something. How much does he weights? He's now courios.

"Chuyaaaaaaaaa" Dazai whined from the couch to the almost finished redhead. "What" he said taking last bites of his meal. The other stood up and sat next to Chuya again. "Do You have a weight?" He said blinking cutely so the other will be more likely to give him what he wants. Chuya ignores the blinking and just looks confused standing up and going to put the dishes into the sink. "I do. But what for?" He walked in the direction of his bathroom in which is a weight. "I'm just curious how much I weight!" He declared happily throwing hands into the air. Chuya sighed reching under the bathroom sink and taking a glass weight from under it. 

Chuya put the device on his floor and thought that he's gonna weight himself as well so he stood on it. Dazai watched as the numbers went up then down then up, it stoped at a number. He didn't realy know what to think about it for he's not familiar with how much a male of Chuya's age should weight. He heard the latter groan, so he's probably gained weight then? But looking at Chuya it's probably all muscless, he has them more and more everytime they meet. "Okay, now you" Dazai smiles and copies what the other did, you wouldn't belive he never used a weight before (except for the ones Mori used then checking his weight and height, allthough that one was way bigger) They both glared as the numbers also went up then down and then up. Finally settling on a number, Chuya opened his phone and started typing something into google. Dazai stared at the number. He doesn't know if it's low or high but... **.** seems pretty high..

"Hah" Dazai stoped looking at the number and instead looked at Chuya. "And here I though your all skin and bones" Dazai looked confused tilting his head, Chuya understood and showed him his phone. "I looked up how much a sixteen year old should weight, from what it says your avarage weight. What is good I though you might have problem with eating or something a few times but I guess not" Chuya turned his phone back to himself and walked out of the bathroom and to the couch. 

Dazai still stared at the number below him. Or rather the blank space because the number already disappeared, yet he can still see the number.
**.**
He frowned, why is he even so annoyed about this? It's just weight why does it bother someone like him, someone who isn't even human. He didn't realise then His body itself walked to the door, closed them, and now he was taking off his clothes in front of Chuya's comicly big mirror.

His clothes all lay under his feet together with the bandages. Puting them on again will be a pain but he just- he just needs to see himself.
Brunette stares at his reflection, as always it doesn't feel like his reflection mostly because of the two big pices of fat hanging off of his chest, "Ew..." he says, looking at the disgusting things that Mori just to annoy Dazai said the boy needs to wait till he's eighteen for him to remove. They both know the doctor can already do it but just doesn't want to. He shakes his head not wanting to think about this now.

He looks down at his stomach, now that he looks at it it realy could be called... slightly chuby? a shiver goes down his spine. He doesn't know why but the idea of being chuby makes him feel bad. Brunette reaches to grab the slight amount of fat on his stomach. Then the thighs, yeah the thighs are definitly chuby. But why, why? He eats almost nothing, only then the angry chihuahua in other room forced him to so why is he 
Fat.
And then he remembered, he laughed at how the big smart demon prodigy is actually dumb.

Laying all day on his matress in the shiping container coming only on mission or to annoy Chuya, mixed with eating only unhealthy things. Mostly sweets to be specific. And here he is Fat and sad and just so- so wrong.
The brunette sits on the floor bringing knees to his chest to make himself as small as posible.

After some time Dazai comes out of the bathroom, clothed and bandaged.

. . . . . . . . .

They walk back from a mission, Chuya humming under his nose, while Dazai looks into the sky not caring that he might trip over something. The redhead sudenly stopes and with him the brunette. "I'm hungry lets go get something" He said and without waiting for the other to respond started walking in direction of the nearest shop, other teen stood for a second not moving an inch before walking after the latter. 

The shop was not small but not too big too, there were almost noone inside and considering they finished their mission around four am it's normal. Chuya went into the alley with meat and started looking through different kinds of meats. Dazai on other hand just walked around not knowing what to do with himself, he doesn't want to get anything. Or, well, he does but he doesn't want to gain weight. The brunette boy continues walking around the store untill he's in THE alley. The alley that parents with kids most likely never even come close to. Dazai almost started to drool as he saw the heavenly chocolate, the bars, the COOKIES, just everything. Sudenllly a need to EAT overtook him and he just snatched every single thing he could get his hands on. 

Walking up to Chuya who has their cart felt a bit embrassing while having hands full of sweets and snacks. Chuya looks up from the fridge holding a back of sausages. He looks between Dazai and the cart now full of sweets. "That's all you want?" He asked to what Dazai just humed and leaned on one of the fridges. Redhead threw his sausages into the cart holding it and going to one more direction, while doing so he with one hand grabbed one of the things other teen picked. A cartoon of chocolate cookies fillled with toffee, he has to admit it this sounds delicios but- he turns the cartoon around looking at the ingredients. "Damn... your realy gonna eat all of this? The ingredients are so unhealthy and the amouth of calories in of these cookies is- like a whole damn meal" Chuya says, he realy cares about his health and about what he eats so he often checks the ingredients of the products he's eating. His muscular fit body didn't come form nothing. 

Dazai sudenly stops, which isn't weird to Chuya since he stoped the cart also and is now going through oatmeals seated on the shelfes infront of them. They are slightly tall so the shorter teen has to stand on top of his feet, normaly Dazai would be now having the time of his life making fun fo this scene. But not now. Now he's thinking about what Chuya just said, he sudenly remembers, right he was suposed to not eat sweets because they will make him gain weight.

Dazai feels sick, it feels as if rocks were inside of his stomach his oh so big stomach. He grabs as much of the sweets he was just a second ago so happy about and runs to put them back on their shelfes. Before going back he stares at the sweets. 
They probably taste so delicious... He finds himels thinking. 

Then the bandaged boy returns he sees that Chuya is already getting their stuff scanned by a cashier. Some of his sweets are still there as he didn't menage to take them all back. But he just shrugs and is slightly happy because now he has an excuse to get them. He doesn't know then did he started to need an excuse to eat.

. . . . . . . . .

Chuya is making himself oatmeal with some fruits, I don't know what fruits, I'm too busy looking at the thing before me. From the things I didn't menage to put back in place stayed- a cartoon of cookies Chibi said are unhealty, a croissant, and a bag of fruit flavoret candy. It feels wrong, it feel so wrong for some reason but I reach out and grab the croissant, then siting on the floor with it. This croissant seems to be the least unhealthy from the three. I take a bite, and my eyes feel with stars it tastes so SO good and I get suprised by the fact it's filled with chocolate?! It seems my happiness was so loud if happines can be loud, that Chuya noticed. "What are you gigling about? It's kinda creppy" 

I don't respond, to which Chuya shrugs and starts eating his oatmeal siting at the kitchen island.
Next bite of my croissant is even more sweet and I eat it as slowly as posible to have this wonderfull taste for as long as it's physically posible. With the last bite I find myself still still not filled enough. The need for more is unberable so I reach for the cartoon of cookies. I'm doing it as quietly as posible so Chuya wont notice (for some reason?) I open the cartoon and take one cookie out, immediantly biting into it and almost crying from how yummy it is. I eat one more, and one more and one more and
While chewing on another cookie Chuya sudenly crouches beside me. I take the sweetness im chewing on curently out of my mouth. "What does my dog need?" Chuya's eyebrows twich with anger. "Gimme one cookie" "HA. No." I proudly look away and go back to eating my cookie. 

Chuya right now realy looks like a kicked puppy. "Ughhhh okay have one but you owe me one! dog!" Chuya is about to argue back but then reminds himself that on this lays his chance of geting a cookie from Dazai. So he just pites his lips and patiently waits as the brunette takes out one cookie and gives him it. Chuya happily gets up, now with a cookie in hand and walks to his bedroom. 

I sigh, looking back to the cookie cartoon to reach for another one and- there arent any more left. Only now I realise I ate almost all of the "unhealthy cookies with bad ingredients" I stand up from the floor feeling dizzy as I always do then quickly geting up, but like always I ignore it and run into chibi's bathroom. Closing the door my eyes immediantly look into the mirror. I shrug off my coat and jacket then start unbuttoning my shirt. It comes off and I stare at my stomach 
fat

fat
Fat

I shouldn't have eaten all this, is the only though ringing in my ears at the moment. I'm sudenly panicking, not knowing what to do. Because what there IS to do, you cant loose your weight just like that. But- But even then I try it doesn't work it doesn't work and I will always look like this. Look like what? Why do I even care so much about this I'm not even human, inhuman things don't care about their apearance. Or do they? I don't know. The only though on my mind right now is. To get all the things I ate OUT of myself. What are my options. -Cuting my stomach open and taking out the food? No I would just bleed out and die and as much as I'd like that it would be most likely very painfull so no. Punching my stomach untill I make myself throw up?... Ugh no it would be even more painfull. Ah. But maybe just throwing up, how did you do it again?

Soon enough I find myself kneeling next to the toiled leaning on the toiled seat, while sticking my hand as deep as pisible into my throat. Unfortunally I have been blessed with some very good gag reflex for, no matter how very deep I reach nothing comes out. 

Panting and too exhausted too continue I move away from the toilet and go lay down on the fluffy carped in the middle of the bathroom. Now not only I feel sick about myself and from disgust but also because I feel vomit up my throat that for some reason wont go any further. Great. Just great.

4200 Words 
Take this as an explanation of why im not updating >_o /or = this but everyday
Have a good day or night and don't be too silly please! and drink lots of water and dont step on snails!