Tw Panic Atack, Self harm

(Akutagawa pov)

I'm weak. I'm so weak I can't even control my own emotions, Dazai was right. Weretiger probaly wouldn't have done such pathetic and stupid thing. I thinked while washing blood of off my arms. They hurt, they hurt so much I will probably strugle today with using them. But it's the only thing that makes me feel at least a bit better.

I started to bandage my arms and after I'm done I look into the mirror in front of me. Weak. I think to myself and my on my face appears an angry expression. I try to think about something else, something better. But right now the only thing in my head was memories off Dazai saying how weak and useless I am. In an attempt to stop all the bad memories I squeezed my head with my arms. I looked at the mirror again to see that a tear was running down my cheek. I stared at the tear horified. And wiped it of with my sleeve. But then more started falling out and. I tried to wipe all the tears off but then I wiped some, in their place came even more. I didn't know what to do and started panicking. My breath started being unstable and at some point I just sitted on the cold floor of my bathroom and tried to stop myself from breathing so fast. From all these emotions and stress I didn't even notice then someone went inside the bathroom.

(Gin pov)

I just finished mission so I headed to my and Ryuu's apartment. Today he was eve.  n more depressed then always so I was woried about him. As though this I sped up a little.

I came into our apartment sying a quiet "I'm home" and started looking for my brother. First I went into his room and he wasn't there. Next into the leaving room he wasn't there as well but as I went into the kitchen that was connected to the leaving room. And saw a first aid kit on the counter I came up and noticed that bandages are missing. It made me more woried did Ryuu hurt himself by accident? Or maybe he got hurt at the mission? With woried look on my face I went to the last room. The bathroom.

I walked to the door and pulled out my hand then sudenly I heard something from the inside. I tried to explain myself what the sound was then it hit me. it were sobs, Ryuu's sobs. As realized it I imediantly grabbed the door knob and opened the door.

The door was wide open and the scene I saw inside was truly horrifying.

Ryuunosuke was siting on the floor in front of the sink, desperately trying to wipe his tears with his sleeves. I have never saw him like this before, he was such a mess that he didn't even realized that I came into the bathroom.

I didn't realy know what to do at first but once I thought some more of what to do I realized the best think will be just go for it. And so I walked closer and kneeled down next to him. I stretched out my hand and pet his head in atempt of calming him down. He stoped wiping his face, the sobs also stoped. Then he puted his hand on my hand.
"Hey Ryuu..."
I said kinda out of nowhere but I didn't know how to start.
"What happened? Is everything alright?"
As I asked it I could hear him satr sobbing once again.
"I'-I'm sorry Gin..."
I looked at him and tilted my head waiting for an answer.
"I'm sorry you have to have such a pathetic and useless brother... I realy am"
I couldn't belive what I was hearing, I hugged him imendiantly. I knew he thinks low of himsef because of the abuse he recived from Dazai. But it still hurted to hear him say it.
"Don't say thing like this! I am very happy to have you as a brother and you are the strongest person I have ever met!"
He raised his head up releaseing himself from my ambrence a bit.
"And don't you ever think that way again. Okay?"
I asked now more calmer.
He puted his head back in onto my chest and didn't respond nor noded or shook his head.

We stayed like this for at leas one hour. Me just stroking Ryuu's hair and huging him, and Ryuu resting on my chest with his eyes closed. It looked almost as if he's asleap, but every time cheaked if he is by shooking his shoulder slightly. He opened his eyes, only to close them soon after. But finally then I once again cheaked if he is asleap he was, so stood up and picked him up. I'm luckyly strong so I could do it, but actualy I think even a realy weak person would pick him up. As Ryuunosuke was very light. I have never noticed it, but from now on I'll cheak if he's eating properly more often.

I carried Ryuu to his room and onto his bed. He was still wearing the dirty clothes he did on todays mission. I wanted him to sleap comfortably so I took them off. First his shoes, and next his black jacket, as I took the jacked off I saw that his left arm was bandaged. 'So that's where the badages went?' I thought. I wanted to know what happened but for now I just letted him rest. So I placed a blanket over him, took the jacket and shoes and come oit of Ryuu's room.

(Next morning, Akutagawa pov)

I woke up with pain to my left arm, at first I didn't know why but once I looked at the bandage on the arm I remembered last night and how I once again couldn't deal with my own emotions like a useless and weak being I am and sliced my wrist.

Then, I also remembered that once I cleaned up I started heaving a panick atack and Gin came into the bathroom. Oh no... She probably think now that I'm weak, and does not want to be my sister anymore... I have to apologize! Right. Gis is a very good and kind person so maybe she will forgive me my moment of weakenes last night? I hope so, she's the only person I can trust and relay on. I would be devastated if she thought about me as useless.

I stood up from my bed and walked to the door, next, I slowly opened the door and then the door was finally opened I saw Gin in the kitchen making food.

As soon as she saw me she stoped doing whatever she was doing and walked up to me.
"Ryuunosuke... About the last night, please next time you will feel bad tell me this okay? And don't hurt in silence. And also.. Please don't think of yourself as weak, you are the strongest person I know! You are my brother! So please don't think of yourself like this"
She took my hand in her's as my eyes widened. It's good she doesn't think of me as weak, but I should still apologize for making such a scene infront of her.
"Don't worry, I'll tell if I will be fealing bad and... I'm sorry for making such a scene infront of you I'm your older brother you shouldn't be seeing me in a state like this..."
Gin looked at me with a pissed off look on her face.
"You literaly just straight up deniedled yourself, it's the same as if you would say 'Yes but no' "
She stated.
"I'm sorry"
I said and Gin smiled at me kindly at me.
"Don't be. Just. Even if you don't want me to worry at least try to ummm maybe finde a good coping mechanism?"
She said and smiled. She didn't know one thing, that I in fact did found a coping mechanism, but not a realy good nor safe one.

I noded and Gin smiled once again. But then she started staring at my arms, left one to be exact. I looked at it too and as I saw my bandage I quickly took my hand out of Gins. She looked a little confused, and slowly turned serious.
"Right, one more thing.."
She started.
"Why was your arm bandaget? Did you hurt it on a mission or something?"
it took me by surprise so I tooked some time answering what made Gin look even more curious.
"Ah. Yes I got hurt on a mission yasterdat, but it's not a big deal so don't worry about it"
"Are you sure maybe I'll take a look-"
"No!"
I cuted myself off and brought my hand up to my mouth as I realized that I yelled, and also made it seam even weirder.
"I mean, no. Thank you"
Gin looked at me obviously not beliving in what I was saying, but left it for now probably noticing that I was getting nervous. And went back to making food that turned out to be a breakfast for mr and her.

(Five days later, Gin pov)

Trough the last five days I have bean watching Ryuu more closely. I noticed that he sometimes goes into the bathroom with a tissue with something in it. And then he comes out he's eyes are more puffy. I also started notice how how little he eats, only a bread in the morning, or breakfast if I make one. And some instand food if he has time to go to shop for it. And so From what I understood, he only eat's if someone has already done it never asks or anything himself. And only makes his food from the things that he buyed. In short he's acting as if he didn't want to be a burden? It made me even more woried and also to add the bandages that I still arent sure what was under.

I was on my way back home then I ran into Higuchi. We talked for a while and since we wre soon having a mission together she asked if she couldn come over and we could talk more bout the mission. I knew that it was probably just an excuse to meet with my brother but I sighned and said yes anyway as I actualy wanted to talk about the mission.

I opened the door and leted Higuchi in, I told her to sit in the living room and I'm gonna make a tea. But before making tea I went to Ryuunosuke's room to cheak on him. And, he wasn't there, ehat was unusual since he almost always finishes job faster then me. I walked back to kitchen but stoped the I passed the bathroom. The light was on so Ryuu was most likely there as Higuchi was still in the living room. I knocked on the door amd waited for a responce.

Then I heared sound of walking and the door opened slightly. I tried to open the door wider but something blocked it. My eyes landed on the head belonging to noone else then Ryuunosuke peeking out.
"Oh Ryuu sorry to interupt I just wanted to let you know that I'm back"
I smiled and he noded, he pulled out his hand and I noticed something on it. I took a closer look and realized it's blood. My eyes widened as I grabbed his hand, Ryuu flinched and made hurting moan. The door loosened and so I opened it wide open and once again I saw something that horified me. 

Now that I could see Ryuu's whole body I saw that his whole left arm wrom shoulder to wrist was covered in bleeding lines. I also noticed a lot of white ones that was probably old scares. There were just so much, I was truly horified. And as I looked at Ryuunosukes face he did as well.
"Ryuu-"
i tried to start but he pushed me and went to close the door. Luckyly I put my food inbetwen the door and the door frame just in time so he couldn't close it.

I widened the door once again Ryuu tried to strugle but due to the state his arm was in it wasn't affective at all. I went inside the bathroom and Ryuu quickly walked to the corner and sitted there hiding his head in his knees. While he did this I looked around the bathroom in search of the think that he might've done this to his arm with. Walking to the sink I saw a blood covered knife, I took it imediantly. The blood on the blade was a wine like red, the handle was also covered in blood but in this case it was already all dried up. I looked at the sink and blood in it. My heard hurt so much, he was doing it probably for a long time now. And I didn't even noticed, what a sister I am to not-- No, it's not the time to start overthink first thing first. I thought as I started walking to Ryuu.

(Akutagawa pov)

I sited in the corner of the bathroom, I don't know what to do. Now gin for sure thinks that I'm weak, cuting mu own skin? it's so pathetic right? If Dazai would see me right now he would probably laugh at me and give me the punishment I deserve for being so weak. I heard someones, most likely Gin's, steps get louder and closer to me. I didn't know what to do and I didn't want her to think even worse about me so I hided my head with my arms. But She gently grabbed them moving away from my head. I then felt something warm around me and it was Gin huging me now siting on the floor with me. I let her hug me her hugs are so nice I could be in their ambrace my whole life. We stayed like this for some time until the I felt my left arm hurt and groaned a bit. Gin noticed and took my arm in her hand so she could look at the wounds more closely. I was too exhausted so I layed on her chest and she put one of her hand on my head stroking my hair (idk how to dercribe it he just was like in her lap but facing her and his head is looking down in a way that Gin can only see the top of his head)

(Gin pov)

I took Ryuu's hand and looked closer at the cuts. They are quite deep and still bleeded.
I tried to figure out what to do then I heard a knock on the door. Ryuu sqeezed his head closer to my chest, I understood that the knock made him panic so I gived his arm back and started went back to stroking his hair. I knew that Higuchi the one that knocked but I couldn't just stand up like this so I waited for her to say something.
"Em- Gin? You are taking a lot of time now are you okay?"
Higuchi said asked, I sighned.
"Higuchi do you know how to treat wounds?"
"Yes I do but what for, did you got hurt?"
I thought of what to say next.
"Just come in"
After I said this I heard the door crack and it started to open.

(Higuchi pov)

Gin said 'just come in' and so I did. As I opened the door I saw a horifing scene before my eyes, Akutagawa was in Gin's arms on the floor. Well that wasn't so horrifying, the horrifying part was Akutakawa's left arm, deep cuts driping with blood were all over it. I had horrifyied look on my face but I tried to hide it and calm down as soon as posible and walked to Gin and Akutagawa.
"How long has he been bleeding like thid?"
I asked Gin.
"I don't know...Ryu?"
Gin looked at Akutagawa which slightly flinched as she said his name.
"I don't know, maybe an hour?" 
He sounded muffled due to his mouth being placed on Gin's chest.
"Okay, first do you have any bandage or anything like this?"
"Oh yeah in the first aid kit in the kitchen"
I nodded and runed to the kitchen soon returning with the whole first aid kit.
"To stop the bleeding we need to put pressure on the wound, there are a lot of them so it will be hard"
Gin nodded and asked Akutagawa if he can lay down on her lap, he said yes and did as ordered.
I took a towel from the shelf under the sink and wet it with water, then, I wiped the cuts to prefent from infection, and fastly started wraping the bandages around Akutagawa's arm. It was easier due to Gin holding it up for me.

I was done wraping the bandages and sighned.
"What happened?..."
I asked scared to hear the answer.
"I don't know either"
Gin said and looked at Akutagawa.
"Ryuu? Can you tell us what happened?"
Akutagawa didn't say anything for a while but finally he answered.
"I- I'm just so useless and weak and pathetic... I wanted to punish myself for it"
He started sobbing quitetly, so quitetly and muffled that it was hard to hear but we did anyway.

Gin stroked his hair and I camr closer and sitted next to and akutagawa.
"Ryuu I thought I told you this didn't I? You are not useless nor weak. And even if you think that you are you shouldn't punish yourself"
Akutagawa came out of Gin's embrace and sitted agains the bathroom wall beetwen me and Gin. Gin took his hand in her's and started talking once again.
"And if you ever feel bad, tell me this or someone you can trust okay? It wont be weak, actualy it will show how strong and brave you are you know?"
Gin smiled to Akutagawa and for a split second looked at me.
"Yes, Gin's right, if you will feel bad again I'm here for you too"
I said smiling at Akutagawa and pointing at my chest woth my hand. Akutagawa nodded and added a quiet thank you, to what I smiled even more.

We helped Akutagawa walk to his room and onto his bed, it was dificult for him due to losing a lot of blood. After Akutagawa layed down on his bed Gin said to him to go to sleep and call her if he will be hungry or thirsty. He said okay and so we both smiled and walked out of the room.

Gin and me did the think that we were originaly planning to do, what was planning tomorows mision that we had together. And after around three hours we were done planning everything, we would actualy take less time but we talked a lot from time to time.

Gin walked me to the door, and said goodbye and I did the same and also lucked her and Akutagawa a good night because it was already past 22:00.

(Third person pov)

Gin and Higuchi after now knowing what Akutagawa was dealing with beside suporting him and being there thenever he needed them. They also convinced him to go on a therapy, he with hesitatiom but went on it and started doing slightly better. He stoped hurting himself, and thenever he felt like doing it. He remembered what Gin told him about being able to say that something is wrong or feels bad being actualy a brave  thing to do. And then he always went to Gin and she tried tp help him distract himself by watching a movie or doing something together.

3412 Words

I'm sorry about the long wait but I'm still sick, and because of this this charger might be a bit around the place or just shity, Have a nice day or night.