mike

i wake up and will is still cuddled up against me. i fell asleep with my arm around him after he had a nightmare. i pulled him close and held him, he still has his head on my shoulder. he looks so peaceful. my hand is beside will's, he's still asleep. i look down at his hand, what if i just...held it?

i hesitate but lift my hand up and hover it over his. okay, here it goes... no, that's stupid. what if he woke up? then what would i say? what if he woke up, saw it and just ran out because of how gross i am? but what if he woke up, saw it and didn't mind? no, i won't, i can't.

i get up, trying my best not to wake will up and go downstairs for breakfast. as i'm going downstairs, nancy comes out of her room, "hey, you okay? jonathan's sleeping but i was just going to get some breakfast."

"yeah, will's sleeping too, i didn't want to wake him up, he's probably still tired from yesterday."

"makes sense," she says just as we get to the kitchen. mom has made us breakfast so we sit down and eat it. about half way through, will walks down the stairs. he's still wearing my pyjamas, they're tight on him, he's much stronger now. he does look good in them, though. i catch myself staring so i quickly look away. he says good morning to mom and sits next to nancy while eating his breakfast, avoiding eye contact with me. i knew making him share the bed without asking if he was okay with it was stupid, he can't even look me in the eye.

i finish my breakfast and stand up, will finally looks at me for the first time this morning, when he see's i'm looking back at him, he looks away. what's with him? i go upstairs and get dressed. will walks in my room just after i finished getting dressed. "is everything okay?" i ask before he has a chance to say anything.

"yes i'm fine, why?" he asks, still not meeting my eyes.

"you've been avoiding eye contact all morning, you haven't spoken to me and you've kind of been ignoring me," i say. i know it's because of last night, he feels awkward about it, he knows how i feel.

"mike, i've only been awake for like half an hour, i'm still tired, and when i woke up and you weren't there, so i went looking for you and found you downstairs. i haven't really had a change to speak to you and i'm not ignoring you." he's right, i'm overreacting but i don't know why he won't just look at me.

"why won't you look at me, then?" he sits down on my bed.

"i don't know, last night i was just thinking, about everything."

"everything as in everything with vecna?" i ask, hoping it's not me he's been thinking about.

"no, not vecna," he says, what else is there to think about?

"oh, then what were you thinking about?" i say and for the first time today with no hesitation, he looks directly into my eyes.

"us." i can't tell what he's feeling.

he knows how i feel, doesn't he? i was stupid for saying 'or more' last night, he hates me, i know it. that's why he won't look me in the eye.

"what about us?" i say trying not to sound as panicked as i am.

he opens his mouth to say something when the door suddenly opens, jonathan's stood in the doorway. why does he always interrupt us. he looks at me, then at will "oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt."

"well, you did," will mumbles, i quietly laugh and jonathan smiles at will sarcastically. "what do you want?" will says, louder this time.

"oh, nothing i was just going to say good morning to you both. oh, and will, if you need to tell me about yesterday or anything then i'll be in nancy's room." he says and leaves.

"what does he mean by that?" i ask and turn to will.

"i told him about what vecna says to me," he looks ashamed, i'm not sure why. "sorry for not telling you i'm just not ready to tell anyone else especially you- not that you've done anything wrong i just-"

"will, it's okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," i say softly.

"thank you," he sighs from what i'm guessing is relief. "i do need to tell jonathan something so i'll be back in a minute."

"oh okay, see you in a minute, then." i want to know what vecna's doing to will but he isn't ready. he walks out the room and i see him go into nancy's room, she's still downstairs so it's just will and jonathan.

i need to tell will how i feel, at least sometime soon. we don't know when vecna's coming back and i need him to know how i feel about him, even if he doesn't feel the same. will is going to hate me for the rest of our lives, i already hate myself for being like this, but i have to tell him before it's too late.

i stay in my room, trying to focus on what to say to will and not focus on will himself, but it's been an hour and he said he was only going to be a minute. will doesn't want me to know about vecna and that's fine. i'll just knock on the door and see if he's okay.

i leave my room and get to nancy's room, the door is slightly open, i can't help but overhear them.

"i know, that whole thing was so stupid, 'my life started when i found you in the woods' what even was that?" i hear jonathan say. so, they're talking about me.

"that was so stupid," will says back. i know i'm not exactly jonathan's favourite person in the whole world but will too? and what about it was stupid, us saving el? i know will never really liked el but i thought he didn't mind her now.

"why was it stupid?" i hear myself say out loud.

will turns to the door as i open it,"mike, how long have you been stood there?"

"only like two seconds, not like it matters." i want to know why they were talking about me.

"oh, good," will says. i want to know why they were talking about what i said to el, she was dying, didn't he want to save her?

"why were you talking about what i said to el?" i ask, calmly, i don't want another argument with will.

"maybe i should go," jonathan says and stands up. why does he have to leave?

"no, it's fine, jonathan, stay there." will says and he sits back down. will looks at me with a worried kind of look on his face. "we were just talking about it, not anything bad, well, apart from the part you heard, but we weren't trying to make you feel bad."

"oh, okay," i reply, there's no point in dragging this out, i trust him.

"i guess it just kind of hurt, what you said," he looks at jonathan, who is looking at the floor, almost pretending he's not there.

"what hurt, what do you mean?" i would never purposely hurt him, he knows that.

"you saying your life started the day you found el in the woods," i think he's waiting for me to say something but i don't know what to say. "come on, mike, you can't think hearing that didn't hurt? you saying your life started the day after i went missing, your life started when i was barely surviving in the upside down. i thought the best thing you ever did was ask me to be your friend, but apparently your life didn't even start then? it was when you met some random girl in the woods," he doesn't raise his voice but he's mad.

"will, you know that's not what i meant. the best thing i've been done was when i asked you to be my friend. so i lied a little in the speech, what does that matter?" i raise my voice and his eyes widen.

"you lied a little? the whole speech was full of lies. el can't move mountains, she can't fly and she hates being a superhero, why did you even call her a superhero when she told you she doesn't like being different, she wants to be normal." why does he always bring el into our arguments.

"i-i don't know? but who are you to tell me about lying when you lied about a whole painting for no reason?" i'm no longer shouting.

"seriously? you're still on that? it wasn't for no reason, i-" he stops himself.

"i'm leaving, i'll see you two later," jonathan says quickly.

"no, this is nancy's room, we'll go. you stay here." i reply and leave towards my room, will walking not far behind me.

"so?" will says, closing the door behind him.

"what's the reason then? did you lie when you had your little speech too?" i say and his eyes begin to water, i didn't want an argument but he's not telling me anything.

"yes! is that what you want to hear? it doesn't matter. my 'little speech' wasn't made up bullshit like yours but it wasn't about el. it was never about el, none of it was." he yells.

none of it was? "who was it about, then?" i ask and will sighs while laughing sarcastically.

"you really are stupid, aren't you," he's not shouting anymore but his voice is bitter.

"i'm not stupid, who was the speech about if it wasn't about el?" i ask and he scoffs.

"fucking hell, mike, me! it was about me. without you i would fall apart, especially me. i've been lost without you these last few months. you make me feel like i'm not a mistake. you make me feel like i'm better for being different. i'm scared of losing you which is why i was pushing you away. i need you mike, and i always will. i always will." i wasn't expecting that, at all.

"well then, why didn't you tell me?"

"because, you didn't need to hear about me, you needed to hear about el, you love her," he looks at the floor.

"i don't fucking love her, will. and what about you is so 'different' to everyone else anyway.. why do you think you're a mistake?"

"i can't tell you."

"why can't you tell me? it's not like i would care, i know almost everything about you. i'm different too, you know i am," he doesn't know i love him but we were both bullied when we were younger. "you never talk to me anymore."

"you're different but you're not like me. the things people used to say to me..." he trails off.

"i know what you mean, people call me things too." he scoffs again, "what?"

"being called frog face or a nerd isn't the same as what people say to me, you don't know what it's like." why is he so convinced i can't possibly know.

"those aren't the only things people say."

"i don't even care anymore, just forget it." he tries to leave but i grab his arm so he can't go, "let go of me," he shouts.

"no, will. you know i care about you, i care about you a lot. just please, stay." i speak softly.

"why do you care about me?" he shouts.

"why do i care? because the months you weren't here were fucking miserable. i felt so shitty for the way i treated you. i'm so sorry for how i treated you i was pushing you away, for a stupid reason, but i don't know how to live without you, i need you here," my eyes start watering too. "i miss you more than anything."

"why do you care about me so much?" he shouts. what does he mean by that?

"i just told you, because i can't lose you again, i lost you after you went missing in the upside down, i lost you when you were possessed, i lost you when you moved away, i've lost you too many times, i need you here." i try my best to stay calm but i need him to hear me.

"why do you care about me so much." he speaks softly this time, it's more of a confrontation than a question.

"because i fucking love you, will. i love you. i love you more than i've ever loved anyone else before." i can't stop myself from saying it. "when you moved it was the worst time of my life because i couldn't see you everyday, i tried to call you, so many times. el finally told me about your moms job, but before i knew that, i stopped calling because i thought you didn't want to talk to me. when i said i wanted you to reach out more, i meant it. i save all of your drawings, even the ones you throw away because i love you. i went to your old house and castle byers when you moved because i love you, will." holy shit.

he closes his eyes, "please don't say that." he whispers and opens his eyes again. tears are streaming down his face, faster than before.

"i love you." i say, my voice cracking, hoping this could somehow fix whatever i just did to make him cry even more than before. tears are streaming down my cheeks too, i just told will i love him.

"don't tell me you love me when you don't" he releases himself from my grasp and takes my hand, putting my hand on his chest. "don't say you love me when i know you love el."

"what? i-i don't! it's you, it's always been you!" tears spill out of my eyes.

"i-i can't be here right now." will says and runs out. shit. i knew he could never like me back, how could he? but then what was he was talking about when he said people call him bad things? i used to be there when they would bully him for 'looking' gay, i would stick up for him which just caused them to call me his boyfriend.

i run out of my room and downstairs but he's already gone. jonathan is also gone they must have left together. i don't know what to do, there's no point in going after him, he doesn't want to talk to me.

"shit, what happened?" nancy asks when she see's i've been crying. i don't want to tell her so i just wrap my arms around her and cry even more. she surprisingly hugs me back, we never hug so she knows i really need this, "hey, whatever happened is going to be fine, it's okay." she whispers. it's not going to be okay but i'm not going to argue with her, she's trying to help.

after i let go of nancy, she asks if i'm okay and i nod. i go back upstairs, i sit down at my desk and start clearing up will's drawings. i put them all into my desk draw.

i clear up everything at my desk until i see the letter. the letter i wrote to will. the letter i wanted to send a few months ago when he didn't answer the phone. the letter i never sent. i wrote a few other scrap letters and even a birthday card and a present i was going to give will when i saw him.

i pick up the folded piece of paper and open it.

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dear will,

how have you been? el says you're doing okay. maybe we can call again soon? i've called a few times but you haven't been picking up. i don't know if you're ignoring it on purpose or anything but i miss your voice.

lucas, dustin and i joined a new dnd party, the dungeon master is actually really cool, his name is eddie, i think you would love him. the party is full of 'freaks' just like us! lucas has been playing basketball so he sometimes misses out on the campaigns but he's really good at basketball, maybe we could go to one of his games when you come visit some time?

i miss you, a lot. i can't wait to h̶u̶g̶ see you in spring break, i've been waiting ages to see you!! and el. see you soon!

love, mike.

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i don't regret writing it, i regret never sending it. things might have been less awkward if he knew i still wanted to be around him when he was away.

a/n: i'm so bad at writing arguments 💀 but i fr feel like mike will be the one to confess in s5 in the middle of an argument or something