mike

"so," i say back. why is jonathan here? it's most likely about will but what does he have to say about it?

"i'm not here because will told me to, he doesn't know i'm in here, i came to talk to you. i'm not going to ask what happened if you don't want to tell me, you can if you want but that's not why i'm here." he says and looks at me, still glaring at me like he always does.

"so then why are you here?" i mumble. i'm not annoyed he's here, i'm annoyed he keeps glaring at me, i'm not the bad guy here.

"because i care about my brother and i care about you," he replies.

"do you really care about me or are you just here for will? we aren't exactly close, even if you're my best friends brother and my sisters boyfriend." i say.

"of course i care about you, mike. i've known you since forver." he says softly. "you make me a bit mad sometimes but-"

"what? why do i make you mad?" is it because of will, or what?

"because of the way you've treated will. i know he forgives you all the time but you have to admit you haven't exactly been the best friend in the past few years," he looks away from me. i get will is his brother and everything but why does he think he gets to tell me off for this?

"you don't think i know that? you don't think i feel bad for how shitty i've been to will? i feel so guilty for not playing dnd with him last year, i feel so guilty for joining a new party and not telling him." i stop.

"you did? you know he didn't join a party because he promised you he wouldn't." jonathan sounds sad more than anything. shit, i was sure he would join a new party, how am i going to tell him?

"oh." i say quietly. "i tried for so long to push him away, i tried to let him go, but when he finally started to, i couldn't let him. i couldn't let him go, i need him and i know he needs me. i'm on edge constantly knowing vecna's after him, i can't let anything happen to him, i don't know how to live without him. he had a nightmare last night and i hugged him and we fell asleep like that, we slept all night like that but this morning, he wouldn't look me in the eye. i'm pretty sure it's because he thinks it's weird for two guys to do that but i don't know-" i pause when jonathan laughs but i brush it off, "i don't know what's going on with him but i care about him. i've always cared about him and i still do, that won't ever change." tears are forming in my eyes, i don't wipe them away, i let them roll down my cheeks.

"tell him you still care about him, tell him you still need him, tell him you're sorry for how you treated him." jonathan responds.

"i have! i've told him all that. i apologised for how i was, i told him i couldn't live without him, i told him i needed him but he wouldn't listen. he just left. i..." i pause and think carefully about what i'm going to say next, "i lo-" i can't bring myself to say it, "like him and i care about him a lot."

it's silent, a very uncomfortable silence. i can feel jonathan'a eyes burning into the side of my head but i don't look at him. why isn't he saying anything? he doesn't possibly know how i feel does he? no, i covered it up, i said like instead of love, and i can love my friends lots of people say they love their friends.

jonathan looks like he's about to say something but he doesn't. "what?" i ask.

"you love him, don't you?" he questions.

"what? i mean, yes he's my best friend, obviously i love him, as a friend," should i just tell him?

"no, i mean you love him, don't you?" he asks. how does he know? isn't he grossed out by me?

"i don't know," i sigh and look back at him, "i guess." i feel tears running down my cheeks again, why is it so difficult telling people.

i put my sleeves over my hands and put my hands up to my eyes to wipe the tears away. i'm so stupid for crying, all because i'm in love with a boy. i'm just about to put my hands down when i feel jonathan wrap his arms around me. i feel like it should be awkward but it's not, it's nice.

"it's okay, mike. like i said, i've known you since like forever, i don't care if you're gay or what, i always thought you had some feelings towards will but never brought it up. i care about you so much, i always have." he tries to pull away from the hug but i don't let him, he realises and stays. this might be the first time we've ever hugged but it's comfortable.

"thanks," i say and clear my throat. "so, uh did will tell you about what happened just now?"

"he kinda did but it was confusing."

what has will been saying? if he told nancy and jonathan that i kissed him maybe jonathan didn't believe it or something. "what's he been saying?" i ask but jonathan doesn't answer my question.

"do you think you can tell me what happened before i say anything? it's fine if you can't but if will's got this all wrong, it would be better if i knew." got what wrong, the fact i kissed him? i'll just tell him, he said he doesn't care if i'm gay so i can tell him.

"so you know will came up to see me when he got back? well, he acted like nothing happened before, i'm guessing he told you what happened when you and him went wherever you went, and i didn't like that he was pretending nothing happened. we both sat down on my bed and i tried to hold his hand but he pulled it away, i always used to so i thought he wouldn't mind but maybe after last night he thought it was weird." i'm about to continue when jonathan cuts me off.

"so, you tried to hold his hand?" didn't i just say that?

"yes, i did. after that, he tried to leave, i grabbed his hand, pulled him back and asked him to stay. he tried to leave once more but i pulled him back again, closer this time. he was a few inches in front of me and i don't know what came over me but i kind of," do i just go for it and say it? would jonathan hate me for trying to kiss his brother? no, that's stupid he's not like hopper. "i leaned down and i kissed him."

it's silent again, another uncomfortable silence. jonathan isn't confused or angry, he's thinking something, i don't know what.

"so you did kiss him?" what is it with him, is he not listening to me?

"yeah." i reply. again, he doesn't say anything. "and then he left and when he left he said 'why did you do that? why would you do that' and ran out crying. i fucked this up, i don't know how to fix this. even if he doesn't feel the same way, i still want him in my life, i still need him in my life."

"and you definitely love him?" he says, why is he asking all of this?

"yes, i do," i say but i regret it when i think about it, is he going to tell will? i can't have someone else tell him, after all these years of feeling this way, i need to be the one to tell him. "please don't tell will, i know he doesn't feel the same and that's fine. if he doesn't know how i feel it's for the better, i don't want him to stop being friends with me."

"i won't, don't worry. can i just ask why do you think he would want to stop being friends with you?" jonathan asks, i don't know if i should tell him the truth or not.

"i'm scared of being rejected by him, he's the one person i've ever really liked," that's the main reason but there's more, "and probably your dad. the things he used to say about me and will when we were together. i hated the things he would say about me because he was right. he wasn't right about will but he was right about me and i hated it. as we got older i guess i just thought will would feel the same way he did after being told so many times how wrong it was."

"will doesn't think that at all. i know that for sure, he doesn't think it's wrong." he says, speaking softly again.

"have you two spoken about it before or something?" i ask, jonathan smiles.

"yeah, something like that." the fuck does that mean? he stops smiling and has an almost serious look on his face, "listen, i'm not going to tell him anything but if i can get him in here to talk to you, would you be able to at least tell him that you love him, romantic or not it's your choice."

"i already did earlier, but i can tell him again if you think it can help." i want to at least stay being will's best friend, i'll do anything at the moment to get him back.

"okay, wait here," jonathan says and quickly leaves, he doesn't shut my door but i hear him shut nancy's. he's gone for two minutes before he comes back. will was supposed to be here, not him.

"where is he?" i ask and jonathan sighs and looks around.

"nice painting," he's talking about will's painting. why can't he just answer my questions for once.

"you said you were going to get him, where is he?" i ask again.

"he doesn't want to see you right now, i don't know what else we could do to get will to talk to you." he stoops looking around the room and looks at me.

"i have an idea but it's stupid," i say, i could give him the letter i wrote for him, it doesn't have anything romantic about it, apart from the fact i subtlety asked him to go on a date to one of lucas' basketball games and signed it 'love, mike'. the only thing is, i wrote about the new party, the one he doesn't know about. i did write it while he was in california and if he can see that, then he would know i really do care about him and want to see him.

"what? what's your idea?" he asks.

"just give him this," i pass him the folded piece of paper.

"okay," he takes the paper. "i'll be back in a second. and hey," he says and i look up at him, "everything's going to be fine, will cares about you too, you're both going to be okay." he leaves with a smile and closes my door this time.

i don't know when jonathan is coming back. after two minutes, there's a knock at my door, he's back. "yeah, just a second," i say and unlock the door, "so, what did he-" i stop.

"mike, what is this?"

a/n: when mike says "the fuck does that mean" i imagined richie when he says it at the start of it chapter two lol