"I hear you gave an order for the stranger to stay here?" Theodore's voice called to me, I turned to see him jogging to me. I'd expected to see an angry face, to have him yell at me and remind me who's king. Instead, the golden boy glowed with excitement as he approached me.

"I did." I agreed, turning back to the lake. It seems I come here a lot when I'm angry. He didn't say anything at first after he approached, only stood there admiring the lake with me. "Are you going to scold me?" I asked, after he hadn't said anything for a while. He looked at me shocked, a confused smile pulling at his lips.

"Why would I do that?" Theo asked, kicking off his shoes and treading into the water.

I shrugged, tugging at a strand of hair. "I don't know? Because it wasn't my choice to make? Or because he doesn't have memories or know who he is but I blindly trusted him?" It seemed stupid in heinsight, but at the time it had felt like the right thing to do.

"The way I see it is, you just showed first hand to the court that we are better than my father. Erran would have never taken in the stranger, would have never had the ability to trust as you did." I said nothing, just stared out across the water. I let us sit there quietly for a while, it felt nice to exist next to him without him having his crown on. So we listened, the trickling of the lake water and birds chirping being the only sound.

"He reminded me of myself." I explained quietly, my voice breaking the silence. "When Ember came to me on my birthday, I was so scared and confused, I felt alone. He has no memories of the last year, no memories of his personal life. All we know is his name, Jaxon. For all we know his family is dead like mine, or evil like Beckett's. I just wanted to help, it's silly I know."

"No, not silly." Theo muttered, shocking me again. "Brave." I didn't respond to that. Brave, that didn't feel like a very fitting title. I laughed dryly, trying to apply the name to my actions. No, they'd been out of pain.

"I wasn't brave, I was...angry. It made me mad that Lendon could be so on board to invite the Umbra Realm to a party, but be so afraid to let one spend the night." My tone was still sour, I guess I was still frustrated.

"Thank you for inviting him. I would have done the same thing," Theo smiled at me, so bright and honest I felt one pulling at my own lips. Like this, he reminds me of the Theodore I met when I first came to the Lake Court. The golden boy, the one who welcomed me and cared for us, fought with us. King Theodore is still kind, generous, a good king.

"Do you ever miss not being in charge?" I asked, risking sounding stupid. "I know that we're better off now, but sometimes I miss just being a teenager in the Terra Realm. Do you ever miss having free time? Not having to plan celebrations, or attend meetings, or be in charge of the peace?"

The time before the trauma. Before the nightmares. Before the guilt.

"Of course, but I also know we're the best people for the job. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, we owe you everything. I'm sorry we forced the celebration, Astra." I turned and placed a hand on his arm, silencing his apology.

"No, it's the right thing to do." I replied earnestly, "I was frustrated before, but I understand why we're doing it. No need to apologize...if anything I should apologize." Theodore shook his head, but I pushed on. I felt the need to elaborate, to get my guilt off my chest. "I feel guilty all the time. That I'm here, living and breathing and loving, but good people died because of me."

Theodore nodded, understanding. I know he lost soldiers, people he knew his whole life. "Everytime I look at Arden, I see Oliver." Theodore admitted, and I nodded grimly.

"They look more like twins than Arden and Juniper." I said laughing lightly, and Theodore agreed with a smile. Oliver had been one of Theo's best friends, Parallax had killed him without mercy. The resemblance is uncanny, from the red hair, to the freckles, to the lanky appearance. I can understand why Arden reminds him of his best friend, just as Lendons love of blue reminds me of the powers that nearly took my life.

"We'll be ok, Astra." Theo vowed, his mossy eyes earnest as he smiled down at me where I stood. I could only nod, unable to verbally agree. "Are you ready to come back to the castle? I need to return to pick platters for the celebration tomorrow, and I don't feel comfortable leaving you here alone."

I sighed, nodding. "I need to apologize to Ember and Beckett, anyways." I admitted sheepishly. He extended his arm, and I took it as we made our way back home.

*****

"Hey," I said quietly as I entered the bedroom. Apologizing to Ember had felt like a walk in the park, doing it with Beckett seemed harder. More intimate. His eyes met mine, they held no anger to me or resentment.

He scrambled off the bed and rushed across the room to me, embracing me quickly. His hands held me close, and he pressed his lips to my head.

"I'm sorry," I murmured into his chest. Beckett's only response was him gently stroking my hair. It had grown quite a bit in the last year, it now falls to nearly my elbows. My favorite thing now is him playing with my hair, he does it often when I'm afraid or sad. It reminds me a lot of time before the war, when we were designed to be apart, but he pushed for me anyway.

There were times, memories I'm so fond of, when we would be alone together despite the odds. He would look down at me, his eyes would lose their edge for only a moment, and he would gently tuck my hair behind my ear. It was memories like those that saved my life in the war, that helped me reach Beckett and free him from his dark powers.

"No need, love." Beckett reassured me, pulling away to look down at me. I shook my head, I wasn't going to let this be brushed off.

"Beckett, please. I really am sorry. I've been behaving awfully lately, and you've been so great putting up with me. All these nightmares, my anger, I just feel like I'm always a mess and I'm sorry." He didn't say anything, but his face didn't hold judgement or irritation for me.

"What can I do to help?" Beckett whispered finally, his thumb tracing a smooth pattern along my jaw. I shrugged, closing my eyes and allowing myself to feel the peace he brings me.

"Love me anyways?" I asked hopefully, smiling. Laughing, he brought his lips to mine for a brief moment. Too brief. When he pulled from me I stepped onto my tip toes, craning my neck to meet his lips but he smiled and pulled away.

"I have a really important question, love." He murmured, a playful grin playing on his lips.

"Yes?" I asked, looking up at him from under my lashes. Slowly he lowered his face, so our lips grazed lightly together, so I could breathe him in. I tried to get closer, to close the small space but he kept me just far enough away.

"Be my date to the party tomorrow?" Beckett teased, his voice husky. Oh, right. That. "The RSVP's came back, nearly every court accepted and will be here. Except for the Montem Atrium, but that's no shocker."

"Why haven't we heard from them in so long? If you rule that realm don't you have a say over it?" I asked, reluctantly pulling away from his embrace. I'd been curious about this, but never had the courage to ask in front of everyone else. I know with Beckett there would be no judgement.

Beckett sighed, pushing his hair off his forehead. "The Mountain Court was the one that disagreed with my father the most. So for the entirety of his rule they locked the world out, and have yet to open their doors. I've tried time and time again to send them letters explaining there is a new rule, but I've never heard back."

"Have you ever tried, I don't know...walking in?" He raised an eyebrow, a cocky sheer taking over his eyes.

"Don't you think I've tried that?" Beckett chuckled, "you need to know how to access the court before walking in. It's not like there's a front door." I chewed on my bottom lip as I pondered, mulling over the possibilities. Having a whole court that is so closed off is a bit scary to think about. They could be doing anything, but we'd have no idea.

"Well, if they disagreed with Parallax then they can't be evil right?" I asked, hopeful of that alternative.

Beckett shrugged, looking a bit uncomfortable. "Sometimes the unknown can be just as bad." I felt the underlying statement there, lingering within the words. Annoyance crept up my neck, it made my hands hot.

"How do you figure?" I asked, my tone careful.

"Well, I figure, if we don't know then we really can't be sure they won't attack us." There, I understand. This isn't about the courts at all, especially after he had defended them so intensely at the meeting.

"Is this about Jaxon?" I asked, deciding to not beat around the bush. "You were all for the Shadow Realm joining us until he fell into our world."

He cocked his head slightly, his brow furrowing with his immediate defensive emotion. "So is that his name?" Beckett countered, an icy chill falling over his gaze. "You were so against them coming into our court until he came around."

I open my mouth to snap, to defend myself. But I don't. Instead I stare at him from across the room, the fire in both of our eyes enough to light the room up. This isn't how he really feels, this stems from jealousy. That feels so genuinely mundane, to be jealous of another guy.

With the war and everything else our relationship had never left any room for anything mundane. When we met he was cold, calculated, and was filled to the brim with resentment. Us coming together was something that happened besides all odds, and it was my love for him that helped defeat Parallax. After the war it was never discussed, if we wanted to even be a couple. It just...happened. Sometimes I have to wonder if he even wanted to be with me, or if it was the pieces of me in his soul that kept him by my side.

I stand there silently, my lips parted with the words that don't dare leave my mouth. Do I say how I feel? I know he would not judge me for feeling unsure, for doubting someone could love me inconsequentially. In my heart I know he would listen and help if I opened up.

But I can't.

My lips tremble with my thoughts, all of them bubbling to the surface with my rage. It's so easy to push them down, but a bottle of intense emotions can only be held for so long when they keep being shaken. The guilt, the thought that I wasn't supposed to live, that I somehow did, but didn't deserve too...it's too much. Anger, all the time, that so young we all had our lives turned upside down, got dealt shit hands in this messed up game. Sad, so unbearably sad, that I failed my friend who was good with a bow.

It's too much. Way too much. I try to push it down, but the harder I try the more I feel it building in my chest, forcing its way up my throat. Beckett stood across from me, the anger had left his face entirely as I sat there gasping for air. My hands grew hot with my power, unable to be contained. I didn't deserve this, did nothing to deserve this agony. Living is harder than dying, how simple it would be to just let go. Right now.

My body shook with my pain, and in a cry my tears and choking sorrow burst free. I screamed, letting the bottled year of pain explode as I dropped to the floor, my head in my hands. As I screamed I felt the release, the pain, my power. It all exploded from me.

Guilt, death's companion, strangles me and watches me die. Help me, please. I beg the stars that made me, please for the love of everything good take this pain. I cannot bear it anymore.

"Please!" I screamed, raising my face from my hands and raising my chest to the air, my power exploding within. Pent up pain, anger, guilt, waves off me in golden light. I think in the distance I hear shattering wood, and glass. Beckett was there, scooping me up, taking me from the floor and into his arms. My power ceased, slowed, and only glowed lightly in my body. My body, that trembles uncontrollably in his arms.

Through teary eyes I can see his chest glowing as well as mine, our hearts reaching for each other. I cannot breathe still, I choke on air and tears. He sits on the broken bed, protecting me in his lap, stroking my damp face and hair.

I'm sure he is saying something to me, but I cannot hear it over my own thoughts. I can't be here anymore, I can't do it anymore.

"Yes you can!" He cries to me, holding my face tightly and forcing me to look him in the eyes. Was I talking out loud? No, I can't breathe. I closed my eyes, begged the stars for help. A numbness secamb me, my lips and legs and hands tingling with sudden release.

I came to, opened my eyes, feeling suddenly weightless and free. Beckett still holds me gently, soothing me calmly. But we are no longer in our room, our belongings shattered from my despair. No, we're in the library of Beckett's mind. Our favorite place. There is no pain here. The warm light surrounds us, the smell of books and bread fill the room. We sit on the floor where we once danced, where we fell in love.

"Love?" He asked, eyes wide with worry. I gasped, relishing the feeling of relief.

"I feel," I whispered, "so empty." A deep breath, as he tucked my hair behind my ear and rocked me. "Yet, everything. All the time." Another sob came from my lips, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes.

"We survived, Astra. Despite all odds. The issue with living is knowing the people who passed don't get to. It's so easy to let the guilt be shackles, but love you need to let them be your armor. Living for them is the hardest part but, we were given a beautiful opportunity. We need to seize it, not run from it." I dare not speak, I clung to every whisper like it was my life line. When he paused briefly to plant a kiss on my temple, I confessed.

"I'm so scared. I wake up everyday waiting for the next death, for the next war. I can't find it in me to enjoy our life." I paused, his eyes held so much love for me I'm baffled I doubted it earlier. I know Beckett loves me, so much so that he died for me. With that, I will adorn myself with hope and try. I have to, I owe it to everyone who sacrificed themselves.

"And if that day comes, love, I will be right here. By your side, always." Beckett vowed, and with that I inhaled freely. Letting the love, and sentiment, seep into my cells and chase the darkness away.