disclaimer: just realized im a mastermind and if i really wanted to own grey's anatomy i could do it, sadly, i haven't yet

—

On the ride back to my house my pager started to go off like crazy, so did Meredith's. I debated on what should I do. I could get Meredith somewhere where she could sleep off but if something truly tragic had happened, they will need as many people at the hospital as possible.

I turned my car around and drove off to the hospital. While driving, I tried to talk some sense into Meredith and prepare her for the night she was about to have.

"We're going to get there, you're going to insert a banana bag, and walk like that around the hospital till the alcohol wears off, only then you are allowed to help, do you understand?" I spoke very carefully, knowing how fragile her mind was at the moment. All I heard was a nod from her but that was enough.

We got to the hospital and I got Meredith to settle down and get some rest while the banana bag was doing its magic. In the meantime, I had to get myself in the shape to cut people open.

No one needed my help that much, most of the cases were trauma cases, so I just walked around the hospital while also check on my sister.

I did, however, stumble upon a room with doctors who were having an argument. Those doctors were Derek, Bailey, and Burke.

"What happened to these poor people?" I started as an attempt to stop them from bickering, which it did. I looked at the scans that they were arguing over, it was quite messy.

"An accident, there is a big metal pole between them, which makes this all the way more complicated." Dr. Burke answered first, passing me the chart, most likely waiting for me to agree with him rather than Derek.

"There's not much we can do, is there?" I raised my eyes from the chart to them. "This woman's chest has suffered the most, we can save one of them, not both." I exhaled, this was something truly tragic, there was no doubt.

"The woman's nerve system, in this position, is more fragile, if we move her, she will most likely die, but if we move him, we have a better chance at saving her," Derek added, agreeing with me. I hated this most about medicine, the days we got to play God, but is it worth it when its either saving one or saving the other?

"So how do you choose, how do you decide which one lives?" Meredith had appeared out of nowhere, the banana bag still intact.

No one answered her question, because no one had any clue. Derek took down the scans from the board and folded them together, making it known to everyone that this conversation was over.

We all walked out of the room and it almost felt like a weight lifted off my chest, that room was so heavy.

Bailey and Burke went their separate ways, most likely to inform other patients, but Derek stayed with Meredith and I.

"What happened?" Derek whispered to me, eyeing Meredith, who was playing with the ends of her banana bag as if it was a jojo.

"Heartbreak and lots of tequila." I didn't want to be mad at Derek, I was tired of being mad at Derek, but this night, I realized he'd done much more damage to my sister than I had thought before.

"Should I talk about it with her?" the guy furrowed his eyebrows, he had no idea how to handle a situation like this.

"That's the last thing you should do." I stopped him with my hand, a little alarmed that he had even suggested that. "The best thing you could do for her is let her go, tell her it's over." with that, I grabbed Meredith's hand and led her away from him. The further she was away, the better.

—

I did not want to go talk to the pair with the pole stuck between them. I knew it was my job to go and talk with them, but it was just so hard. I had to practically drag myself there.

"Can you feel that, Miss Krasnoff?" Derek asked as I tickled her leg with a scrub. I knew the answer by the way her body responded, which it didn't, which meant that she felt nothing and that was not a good sign.

"Feel what?" the woman answered, a little confused about the question. Derek eyed me, also knowing that this was nothing good.

"Maybe you can feel this, Bonnie?" I went lower, tickling her feet now since the nerves there were on stronger impulse. Her body did not react.

"Can I feel what?" Bonnie was panicking right now and the look of every doctor in the room was not helping.

"Don't look at them, look at me." I smiled at the patient, making her smile back.

"You're cute, don't tell my fiance." she giggled, it was nice seeing her this relaxed when she probably shouldn't be, I would be freaking out if I was her.

George entered and started explaining something to Derek, I wasn't listening, I was paying attention to the woman, not because I pitied her but because she was kind, brave, and smart, she didn't deserve this happening to her.

"Is that other cute doctor, Dr. Shepherd, is he your boyfriend?" Bonnie leaned in and whispered, her comment almost made me burst out laughing, it was a little ironic.

"No, God no." I couldn't stop myself from giggling. "My sister, however, is head over heels for him, it's awful," I added, this girl deserved some drama if it was her last day on earth. "She's that girl over there with an IV, I had to drag her out of a bar tonight because she was hell-bent on waiting for Dr. Shepherd to come." speaking this out loud, it was funny and depressive at the same time.

Bonnie made a pitiful face and looked at Meredith.

"She's just as cute as you, it's a shame," Bonnie added, making me smile again.

"Dr. Grey, a word?" Derek called over. I turned around and nodded, exiting the hospital room and walking further away from it.

"We have to save the guy, there is no other choice." Derek pointed out something I already knew. I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing how else to answer his sentence.

"I know it's hard, Malia." Derek sighed, his head down and he was looking at the floor. I just furrowed my eyebrows, not understanding where this was coming from. "Her injuries are almost the same as Kaleb's were, aren't they?"

I had no idea how he had read my mind. When I came into the room and saw Bonnie's scans, it was as if I was back in the past, back to that night it all went down.

"How do you know that?" my tone was low, almost threatening. There was almost no way he could have known, I had those files sealed away so that no one would find out about my past, so I could have a fresh start.

"You sealed away your file along with his but I have connections, I saw the file." I couldn't believe what he was telling me right now. Why on earth would he ever do that?

"You looked into my ex-boyfriend's death file because you wanted to spy on me, wanted information on me?" my voice was raising now, how could I keep calm? What was Derek thinking right in that moment he decided that he had to see that file.

"I just-...I know it was wrong, I'm not sure why I did it." Derek was at loss for words. I wasn't even sure why he decided to bring this up tonight when we had major trauma going on.

"I could have looked into you, I could have found out you had a wife no one knew about, but guess what, I didn't do that, I didn't invade your privacy because I have a sense of humanity and respect in me!" Now I was yelling, his story was not making any sense, he had no motive, no reason why he invaded my privacy.

Derek stayed quiet, he had nothing to say now, he had nothing to say when it was time for him to explain everything.

"You want to know, you really want to know?" I went up close to him so that I could smell the whiskey on his lips. He too had been drinking today, it hadn't been only Meredith. "Just before my flight, I came to the hospital and plugged him off of life support, his mistress begged me not to, and told me he still had hope but I didn't listen." I was now in a dangerously low tone. "Maybe he did have hope but I was so mad at him, that I killed him and I don't regret it for one second." I narrowed my eyes, slowly watching Derek's expression change. "Is that what you want to hear, is that what you were looking for when you decided to invade my privacy?"

Derek didn't dare to speak, that's why I went on.

"I talked to the mistress, I found out she had an emergency C-section from the crash, she named her baby girl Scarlett." the memories of that night hit again, I just tried my best to show that I didn't care, that I was over it. "After I pulled the plug on Kaleb, the woman offered her child to me, she was ready to give everything up because it wasn't worth it anymore, not with Kaleb gone." even in high school, I hated girls that were so in love with their boyfriend they'd give up anything, family, friends. It was sickening, that was before I had done the same and ran away with Kaleb. "I told her to get her ass up and raise that baby girl because that is what I want and she owed me that, now I send them a paycheck every month." I was finished and when I sensed that Derek wasn't going to talk, I turned around and walked away.

I needed to get ready for this surgery.

—

The surgery went as planned and it was no surprise that Bonnie died. I hated this, it was so hard to live in a world where people die like this, good people. I don't believe that anyone deserves to die like Bonnie and Kaleb, with something stuck in their organs and pressing, and pressing so much it hurts to open their eyes anymore.

We live in a world like that, unfortunately. We live in a world where you have to take your dying boyfriend off of life support just because you're frantic and desperate for revenge. Maybe I am a bad person for doing that, for leaving Scarlett, an innocent child, with no father figure, not even a fracture of him, but I like to think of it as giving her a gift, Kaleb was not going to make a great father.

Or at least, that's what I tell myself at night when that decision to play God and kill someone was given to me.

—