ＦＯＲ ＷＨＡＴ ＩＴ＇Ｓ ＷＯＲＴＨ

𝔟𝔲𝔣𝔣𝔞𝔩𝔬 𝔰𝔭𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔣𝔦𝔢𝔩𝔡

♟

"Jackie, I'm sorry, but we really don't want to hear about your sex life with Kelso!" I groan as I shuffle through the snow with the girls.

"Whatever. We're in love and we don't need your approval to be together!" she scoffs like a defiant child.

Donna shakes her head fondly as she opens the door to the Formans' basement. "Hey guys," she nods to the boys.

I take a seat on the armrest of the couch between Eric and Hyde. 

"Hi, sweetie." Jackie greets her boyfriend in a sickening tone.  "How are you?"

He sighs proudly. "Well, I am a  bit chilly, but I left my coat up in the car."

She gasps. "I'll go get it for you! Miss me."

I wrinkle my nose in disgust as she blows him a kiss and exits the room. What has gotten into her?

"Handy little thing isn't she?" Kelso sneers.

I glare at him. "That's no way to treat a woman! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"But that was so cool!" Eric snickers.

Donna raises an eyebrow at him. "Cool?"

Trying to save himself, he adds, "And by cool, I mean 'wrong' and 'stupid'."

Hyde reaches over to the television set to turn the volume up. "Alright, shut up, wrestling is on!"

"Aw, man, I love wrestling!" Donna gushes. I inch away from her as she grabs Eric by the neck and tangles her and the boy up, effectively pushing his face into her chest. "Come on! You're not even fighting back!"

"Why would he fight back?" Hyde shrugs from beside me.

While she releases him, I stifle a laugh. "Ew."

I turn my attention to the screen. 

"Don't forget," the announcer reminds, "this Saturday night, pro wrestling is coming to the National Guard Armory in Kenosha, Wisconsin! Watch Rocky Johnson take on twenty snarling little people!"

I snort. I'm not one for wrestling. It doesn't interest me whatsoever. But I have to admit that watching someone fling around almost two dozen people at a professional tournament might be interesting.

Eric leans forward excitedly. "Rocky Johnson's coming to Kenosha? Oh man, we've got to go!"

"I'm in," Hyde chimes. "I love this stuff, man."

I give him a strange look as the group watches the tournament. I go back to reading my Cosmopolitan magazine. I don't find the gossip in them particularly enjoyable. I don't really care about how "Tough, Temperamental, and Tremendous" Barbra Streisand is, nor do I need to know about the "Women Who Dare to Become Men Through Surgery". If they want to be men, let them be men! It's not a big deal! "How Not to Be Tired All the Time". Finally, something useful.

My thoughts are interrupted by Red yelling down the stairs. "Eric, come here!"

"Just a second, Dad!" his son yells back, unmoving.

"You're not going up?" Fez grimaces.

"I'll go up when I'm ready."

I chuckle quietly. "You're going to get a foot up your ass," I sing.

Hyde peeks over to see what I'm reading as the match ends and Eric finds his father. "What are you reading?"

"Cosmo."

"Jackie loves Cosmo," Kelso chirps. "She-"

"Shut up!" we chorus.

The boy next to me scoffs. "You like that crap?"

"I never said I liked it. But it's useful for both knowing what Jackie's talking about half the time and occupying myself. Oh, and also for doing this." I roll the magazine up and whack him on the head with it. "I'm going home. See you guys."

As soon as I reach the top of the stairs, a hand pulls me aside. To my surprise, the girl who grips my wrist is Laurie.

"Hey," she nods.

I hesitate, pulling my arm out of her grasp. "Hey?"

"Is your brother around?"

Oh. "No, he moved back to Chicago."

"Okay, thanks."

She doesn't leave. I furrow my eyebrows. "What are you doing?"

"What?"

"Being nice to me. Everyone's told me you're a real bitch."

She laughs nervously. "It's mostly because you don't get in the way of Nikolai and I. And I've heard you're kind of a manipulative lying whore, too, so I guess we understand each other."

Strangely, I'm not angry at the comment. I chuckle. "Yeah, I guess we do."

"Do you... want to come inside?"

I contemplate it before agreeing. She probably doesn't have any real friends, so she should probably have someone to talk to.

Eric chokes on his glass of water when he sees her marching through the kitchen with me in tow. "Anastasia, what are you doing?" he hisses.

I smile sweetly. "Oh, just hanging out with Laurie."

"Good," Red grunts, pointing to me. "She's smart, that one. Knows a dumbass when she sees one."

I salute jokingly and slip up the stairs with my new companion. 

We spend the rest of the night laughing about sex and drugs and Nikolai and Eric.

"Has my little brother done it with Donna yet?" she asks tiredly.

"I don't think he'll be doing it with anyone anytime soon," I giggle. Of course, I'm kidding. The sexual tension between those two is thicker than Kelso's skull.

"Damn right!" she sneers.

I yawn. "This was really fun and unexpected, Laurie, but I should probably go now."

"Alright. I'll see you later, whore."

"Bye, slut," I wave as I leave the room to start on my way home. Who knew that I'd become girlfriends with Laurie Forman?

♟

"Guys, what are you doing here? You hate wrestling," Donna queries as we prepare for our expedition.

"Midgets," I answer simply.

"Michael likes it!" Jackie beams. "And anything that Michael likes, I like. Because I like Michael."

She hugs him as he grins, "Yeah, that's my girl!"

They climb into the trunk as Donna and I circle around to the side doors. "Oh, barf," the redhead laughs.

She takes her seat.

"Psst. Princess!"

I turn and make my way over to Hyde's window, leaning an arm on the hood of the car and bending down to his level.

"You excited for the little people?" he chimes.

"Child," I chuckle.

"Oh, come on! Twenty of them! Also, I can see down your shirt from this angle."

I tilt my head to the side. "So?"

He huffs, unable to get a good enough reaction out of me. He sticks his face out of the window. "Hey, can we get a move on? If I miss that twenty-person free-for-all, I'm gonna be super pissed."

I open the door and shove him lightly. "Shut up! Now, move your ass."

In a half-hour, we're all chattering and pushing each other to get some space while Red yells at Eric about the road signs. Through the chaos, I feel hands on my waist. I'm pulled into Hyde's lap and he wraps his arms tightly around me.

"What do you think you're doing?" I hiss.

"Just saving space, Princess," he smirks.

I grumble nonsense under my breath but don't budge. It's the only way I'll get enough room to breathe. I relax against his chest, trying not to crush or be crushed in the process.

Eventually, we work it out anyway, with Red driving, Eric in the passenger's seat, Donna on the Hump and the rest of us tucked neatly in the backseat and trunk. Unfortunately, I still find myself sitting on Hyde.

Once we get to the event, I find myself placed between him and Eric, listening to conversations from both sides. While Red ridicules his son, Bob sobs to poor Fez about Midge being unhappy. I feel uncomfortable. Not with the seating, but with the whole setting.

I'm Anastasia Volkov. I don't do wrestling tournaments. Nikolai doesn't even do wrestling tournaments, and he's a sports fanatic. The grimy smell of sweat and beer fills the air, and it takes everything not to clog my nose or whip out a can of air freshener. Or incense. Some incense would be nice.

Hyde finally shifts from beside me. "Yeah, Bob, women are hell."

I send him a glare.

He laughs heartily. "Don't pretend you're not the devil herself, Princess."

I roll my eyes as he faces Mr. Pinciotti again. "Why don't you grab us all beers and we'll talk it over."

He shakes his head. "I could get you sodas, 'cause I know you're underage."

"Bob, this isn't about us. It's about you. And you need friends. And beer."

"No."

"Well then, Bob, you're all alone."

As the match starts, I watch disgustedly, but my interest grows as it progresses. It's not necessarily amazing to see people fighting for no real reason, but they're difficult to predict and it adds a thrill factor. Some guy in a blue unitard chants as he wins against another dude.

From behind me, Kelso groans. "It's hot, isn't it?"

"Oh, you poor thing!" Jackie coos. "Here." She takes an ice cube out of her soda and holds it against his head. 

Donna and I share a look and I grab her arm. "Jackie, can we talk to you for a second?"

I pull her away and to the side. "Okay, what the fuck is going on with you and Kelso?"

"I already told you! Michael Kelso and I have made beautiful love."

Donna's face puckers. "Ew! I mean... no, ew! Why.... why are you being such a doormat?"

"I have to be nice! What if he gets bored now?"

I throw my head back, chortling. "Oh, sweetie. He'll want to do it again!"

Her face lights up in realization. "So what you're saying is... I'm really in charge?"

Donna interjects. "Well, a partnership-"

"No! I own him! I am the man!"

"Jackie-"

"No! Thank you so much, girls." She stalks off.

I cross my arms. "Was this a mistake?"

"Oh, definitely not," she chuckles. "I can't stand it when Kelso acts like he's a god."

I smile, nodding. "Yeah, well, I'm off to find some booze."

I stroll to the concession stand just in time to watch Hyde and Fez's "Father-Son" Act completely blow up in their faces. 

I send them a wink before taking their places. I lean over the counter, similar to the way I rested on the car earlier. I look up through my eyelashes.

The cashier scans my body before clearing his throat. Perv.

"Could I get three beers, please?" I plead, biting my lip.

"Uh, wh-what size?"

"The biggest one you have."

"Right away, ma'am."

My actions gross me out. If it were a guy that was at least around my age, it wouldn't have been that bad, but this man is around Red's age. Around my father's age.

He returns with the drinks and I thank him, managing to slip out without paying. I pivot to meet the scowling and shocked faces of Hyde and Fez, respectively. 

"Boom," I grin, handing them each their drinks.

"You're such a whore," Steven scoffs.

"Yeah, but at least I can get free beers."

"You can get me for free!" Fez eagerly offers.

I kiss his cheek. "Maybe another time, Fezzie."

♟

"And they started stripping?"

"Yeah! The doctor was kind of cute, but my mom pulled me away too quickly."

I giggle. "Oh, those pesky mothers. Always dragging you away from pervy doctors who are probably way too old for you."

"Ana, age is just a number."

"Yeah, Laurie, and so is nine-one-one!"

"Seriously!" the girl on the other end of the phone sighs. "If you find a hot old guy who's rich and get with him, he'll literally buy you anything."

"Thanks for the tip, brat."

"That's what my mom called me today."

"Your mom is a very smart person."

"What about your mom? I haven't heard you talk about her once since you came here."

I shudder. Morana Volkov is not someone to be trifled with. She is evil. She is heartless. And she's the only one who can manipulate my father. If she doesn't like something I do or something about me, she makes him use his influence to get in my way.

She doesn't care about me. She especially doesn't care about Nikolai. She despises him, in fact. Even though he's literally the most charismatic person ever, she thinks he's too soft. 

But even though she's a bitch, she's the most intelligent bitch on the planet. She knows how to get what she wants, and she always gets it. Even my father and I aren't that good. She's like a goddess. The goddess of lies.

"We... don't have the best relationship."

"She thinks you're not good enough?"

"Something like that."

"Well, she's wrong. You're pretty cool, and you're hot."

Again, compliments from Laurie Forman. Who would have known?

"Okay, well, I have to go eat dinner now. I'll see you around."

"'K. Bye."

"Bye."

I hang up, rubbing my eyes tiredly and flopping onto my bed.

♟

As always, feedback, comments, and votes are appreciated.

Love you guys,

Lissy

P.S.: Yes, those were real Cosmo titles. I did the research.