ＫＡＳＨＭＩＲ

𝔩𝔢𝔡 𝔷𝔢𝔭𝔭𝔢𝔩𝔦𝔫

♛

I shift uncomfortably on the fence of the Formans' porch as Jackie furiously files her nails.

"Jackie, that's really annoying," Donna says irritably.

"What's got your panties in a twist, Little Red Riding Hood?" I tease.

She glares at me before scanning the driveway to make sure there isn't anyone there. "Can you two keep a secret?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Not really."

She sighs. "I'm holding out on Eric."

"Donna, that's great!" Jackie grins. "How long has it been?"

"Three of the longest days of my life. Maybe I should just cave."

"No!" the two of us chorus.

"I think I want it more than Eric!"

Jackie scrunches her nose. "Ew, why? Donna, sex is how we control men. If they find out that we like it, too, we'll never get jewelry again."

I nod. "It sounds bitchy, but she's right. If you show him that you can hold out, he'll think that the sex in your relationship is completely up to you. Of course, it doesn't mean you should use him-"

"Yes, it does," Jackie interrupts.

"It doesn't, but you'll always have something to bite him in the ass with if he's being a dick."

"Huh," Donna nods. "That makes sense, but I still want sex."

"It's up to you," I shrug. "Decide whether sex or blackmail matters to you more."

♛

I nearly fall off the couch when Michael slams the basement door open. "I just saw a UFO!" he yells.

"Oh my god! What an unbelievable coincidence!" Steven retorts with the same level of volume. "I was just telling Fez and Ana about how dumb you are!"

"Oh, lay off of him," I scoff. "But... Mike, why the hell do you think you saw a UFO?"

"Okay, so I'm out in the field, right?" he spews. "And there it was, in the air, and it had lights, and it was, like..." He moves his hands and makes whistling noises.

"Yeah, that's a UFO, alright," Fez taunts.

"Hang on," Hyde chuckles. "Kelso, remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?"

"Yeah!" the boy nods.

"Do you remember what it turned out to be?"

"Just a regular snowman." He shakes his head. "Let's go out into the field! It could come back!"

"So you think I've got nothing better to do than stand in a field and freeze my nads off?"

"We could lay down," I shrug.

He sends me a look when Fez beams, "Who wants to help me connect the dots?"

Steven glances down at his crotch. "Sorry, nads. Let's go."

We race to the field, deciding to lay down across the grass.

I snuggle myself into the cozy spot between Michael and Steven.

"Man, I'm already cold," the taller boy complains.

"Shut up, man, you're in between two people!" Hyde frowns, having no one on his left.

"If you're cold, I can move to your other side," I offer.

"No, I can take it." He bites his lip. "You know what, fine. Switch."

I smirk triumphantly as I climb over him to bury myself into his side.

He opens his jacket so he can wrap me into it, murmuring something about only asking me to move because I'm smaller.

After a few minutes pass without any sign of the so-called UFO, I hear Michael humming the Close Encounters theme. The rest of us join in as I close my eyes and rest my head on Steven's chest.

My grip on his shirt tightens and I let a small squeak out as I feel arms wrap around my waist from behind.

"Hey, man, let me in! I want to cuddle, too!" Leo whines.

I shift closer to Steven. "You can go to Fez's side."

"Leo, what are you doing here, man?" Hyde frowns as he switches sides.

"Wow, that's a really good question, man," he giggles, not answering.

"...Leo?"

"I'm workin' on it, man! Do you want a Chocodile?"

"Yeah, sure."

A wrapper nearly hits me in the face.

"Open your eyes, Princess," Steven chuckles quietly. "You'll miss Kelso's delusions."

"What's that?" Michael snaps, pointing at the sky.

Leo laughs. "It's a Twinkie wrapped in chocolate, man!"

"No! In the sky! Those lights! I think it's a UFO!"

I sleepily turn my head to the sky. "That's a plane, Mikey."

"They're all just planes," Fez sighs exasperatedly.

He takes a picture of it. "Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Now I've got photographic evidence!"

"Of what?" Hyde sneers. "That planes can fly?"

I bury my nose back into his neck and whisper softly, "Be nice."

I don't miss the way he crosses his legs.

"I saw a UFO once," Leo remarks. "Man, it was awesome. It just hung in the air. And then it sent me a message. Big, bright, yellow letters. It told me I was going to have a good year."

"Did this, by any chance, happen at a football game?" Steven asks.

"Yeah, man! And the weird thing was, I was the only one freakin' out about it! Wait a second... good year? It was a terrible year! Stupid aliens."

Fez and Kelso double over in laughter and I giggle quietly. "Leo, are you sure-"

Hyde pats my arm. "Leave it."

For the next hour or so, the boy chat about something or other while I easily drift off to sleep.

♛

"Kelso, man, I brought you your film," Leo says as he steps down into the basement. "The UFO pictures came out okay."

"Ha!" Michael jeers. "Proof!"

"Yeah, but these naked ones of you are far more interesting, man."

Fez and Hyde immediately stand to look at the photos while I climb up onto the couch and peer over their shoulders.

"What? Those were on that roll?" he says in a panic.

"Damn, Mike!" I laugh.

Steven seems to notice that I'm looking and moves so I can't see what's going on.

"Hey!" I protest.

"Sorry, Princess," he huffs. "We don't want to corrupt your innocence, do we?"

I snort. "'Innocence.' Let me see."

"Nope."

Kelso pulls me backward. "Don't look at those! Although, Ana, if you want your own copies, I can-"

I smack him playfully and move to Hyde's chair. "Oh, get bent!"

"Why are you spitting water out of your mouth in this one?" Hyde grimaces.

"I was a fountain!"

"I totally get it, man. It's art!" Leo pipes up.

Michael angrily snatches the photos from Steven's hands and exits outside.

Leo pulls another envelope from his pocket. "Hey, do you guys want to see the other set he brought?"

"I'm apparently not allowed to see it," I tease.

"It's alright, Princess, Kelso isn't that hot," Hyde smirks.

I raise my eyebrows. "No, Kelso's pretty hot."

He lets Fez step in front of him and crosses his arms. "Please, I'm hotter than Kelso!"

"Are you jealous?"

He glares daggers at my shit-eating grin.

"Oh, you're so jealous!" I cock my head to the side. "Acceptance is the first step to recovery, babe."

His ears turn red but he quickly collects himself. "So I'm not hot?"

"I never said that," I quip.

"What the hell does that mean?"

I purse my lips in thought. "I'll put it this way. Robert Plant, for instance, is hot."

"That doesn't help."

I scan his body teasingly. "Well, you've got that curly-headed dark blonde thing going on."

He rolls his eyes, attempting to stay zen. "You're hopeless."

He's really trying isn't he? I decide that I like getting him all flustered.

My perfect lips quirk up at the sides. "Oh, baby, I think it's the other way around."

♛

Two weeks later, the boys and I sit around a table at the Hub. I take my spot on Steven's lap due to the lack of seating choices.

"So, not only are they going to hang my picture at the front of the store," Eric gushes, "but I also get to represent our entire district in the national Price Mart Olympics."

I exhale heavily, "Eric, how do I say this..."

Hyde answers for me, "Nobody cares."

Fez stares off into the distance. "Do you think I would choke to death if I swallowed my straw?"

"No, it's got a breathing hole," Kelso reasons.

"Okay," I interject, snatching Fez's Cola away before he can hurt himself.

A beautiful blonde girl passes by us and stands at the jukebox, catching Fez's eye.

"Oh my god, there she is," he whispers.

"Who's that?" I smirk.

"That's the new girl, Caroline. She transferred from Sacred Heart. Or heaven, I'm not sure which. We have gym together. She barely sweats. Someday, I will make her my bride."

"Yep, no one likes a sweaty bride," Hyde jokes. "Why don't you go talk to her, man?"

Fez stares at her before grabbing his Cola back from me and drinking it furiously. "Oh, I don't know, Hyde. I can't. I don't understand this! Usually, I am... I am suave. I am silky. But this girl makes me... I have to go to the bathroom."

I wrinkle my nose as he rushes to the men's room. 

"There's an open seat, Princess," Steven says.

I smile sweetly at him, unmoving. "I know."

Eric attempts to get our focus back to his achievement at Price Mart, but he's met with a chorus of "Shut up!"

Donna bursts into the restaurant and bounds over to us. "Oh my god! You guys are never going to believe this!"

"Wait, no, me first!" Eric beams.

"Okay, go."

"Okay. I, Eric Forman, your boyfriend, am Price Mart's newest employee of the month."

She bites her lip. "Eric, that's great. Are you done?"

"Yeah, top that, cupcake."

"I just won... two tickets to the Led Zeppelin concert! Callers seven and fourteen got tickets and I was caller number seven and I won and we're going to Zeppelin on Tuesday night!"

"Alright!" Kelso laughs. "We're going to Zeppelin!"

Hyde smacks him. "She said two tickets, not five, you moron, we're not going."

"Oh my god, no, did you say Tuesday night?" Eric groans. "I can't go Tuesday night. It's inventory night. It's mandatory."

"Eric," I say in a serious tone, "it's Led Zeppelin. And free."

"Yeah!" Donna chimes. "Call in sick! Tell them your grandma died! Oh! Burn down the store!"

"Right," he nods. "You know what? I'm going- ah, I can't go."

She sighs. "Well, then, who am I going to take?"

"Now, Donna-" Kelso begins.

Hyde jumps in. "You shut your filthy mouth!"

The two boys bicker until Eric stops them. "Okay, you know what? I am going!"

Steven's posture relaxes and he leans against the back of the chair. "Oh, crap."

"Still friends?" Michael asks.

"Until death."

"Ah, I can't go."

"I'm in!"

"Get killed!"

"Uh," Donna stutters. "Eric, are you sure you can't come?"

"Yeah, I can't," her boyfriend states. "Everyone has to work, plus Red and I are kind of both supervising."

"Huh," Steven spits. "Corporate America claims another victim."

"Eric, it's okay," Donna nods. "I knew you weren't going to go. You're a really responsible guy. I love and hate that about you. So I guess I'll have to take one of you losers. Ana-"

"Take them where?" Jackie peppily interrupts, strutting into the room.

"Zeppelin!"

"Zeppelin?" she shrieks. "Oh my god, that's a band, right?"

Kelso pushes her out of the way. "Donna, in the ninth grade I did an oral report on Stairway to Heaven and I got a B-plus. Take me."

Hyde lifts me off of his lap. "Donna, in the ninth grade I wasn't a dork and didn't do a report on Stairway to Heaven. Take me."

Jackie practically knocks the both of them over. "God, she doesn't want to take either one of you! Because she's taking me, Donna. M-E! Me!"

"Okay, you know what?" Eric yells. "I'm going! Ah, I can't go."

"Jackie, you don't even like Led Zeppelin," Steven complains.

"I never said that!" she protests. "I think Led is hot."

♛

"Jerk."

"Wench."

"Tool."

"Dillhole."

"Moron."

"Moron."

"I already said moron!"

"Moron!"

"Would you guys just cut it out?" I groan. "It was amusing at first, but it's just annoying now."

Kelso smacks my hand away as I reach for an Oreo. "Don't touch! Those are for Donna!"

"Donna doesn't want a bunch of dirty cookies!" Steven sneers.

"They're not dirty."

He lifts his foot from the floor and kicks the plate off of the table. "They are now."

"Hyde? You're dead."

I yelp as they wrestle with each other and Jackie joins in, smacking them with a magazine.

Donna returns and they immediately disband.

"Donn! Where'd you go?" Jackie gasps. "The concert starts in an hour, let's go!"

"The concert?" she frowns. "Oh! Right, the concert. You guys were so busy fighting over tickets, I forgot to tell you. I gave them to Fez and Caroline."

♛

I open the envelope that says, "Caller Fourteen," stepping into the basement where Hyde sulks alone in his chair.

He looks up. "Hey, Princess."

I grin. "Hey, Steven. Want to go to Zeppelin?"

♛

I combined two episodes into one chapter because they were both too short to write about :)

Yes, Ana and Hyde are basically dating without the sex

And yes, Hyde loves when she calls him "babe"

As always, feedback, comments, and votes are appreciated!

Love you guys,

Lissy