Atifa's pov: 

It was rare for ammi to cook something since we moved to Ba town, but today was one of those rare days when she was in the kitchen, making our favourite kheer. It was kind of surprising for us, for her to suddenly want to make kheer, but we didn't say anything. 

Mira was in our room, learning something for her upcoming test. Our finals were just around the corner, the syllabus done, just the revision with occasional tests remained. 

It was my last year in University before my bachelors would complete and I would graduate. And with that, one of my dreams would come to an end. Or should I say, it would be accomplished. 

But here's the thing, since I was unable to concentrate on my studies, I decided to dust the house, because maybe then I would get bored enough to actually study. But so far, it wasn't working, my mind was busy wandering to my old memories, making me frustrated. Why couldn't it just stay in one place?! 

I was dusting ammi's room when something caught my eye. Squinting my eyes, I moved closer to the half opened bedside drawer to slide the half closed lid of a wooden box. Weirdly enough, there were a number of folded chits in there. But there was something else which caught my attention too. So keeping the lid back on the box, I opened the drawer anxiously, highly aware of the fact that ammi was still at home and she could burst into her room anytime. 

But focusing back on the task at hand, I took out the wooden box to have a clearer look to quench the thirst of my curiosity. It was not just the slightly opened drawer which made me intrigued but a brown leather journal which was kept inside was what caught my eye. 

Opening the drawer, I hesitated before finally taking it out. Running my hand over the cover, I was about to open it when a stack of envelopes caught my eye. They were stuffed to the back of the drawer, under the journal, as if to keep them concealed. But before I could even touch them, a folded paper fell from the journal, making me frown. What was that? And why had I never seen this diary before? 

Bending down, I picked up the paper, but in that process, something else fell from it. Confused, I was about to pick it up when ammi quickly picked it up and snatched the paper from my hand, a furious look on her face, which clearly indicated that I was doomed! Ya Allah, save me now! I murmured in my heart when I noticed her tight hold on the paper, which crumbled it and made her knuckles turn white. 

Quickly keeping the journal at the table, I attempted to clarify myself. "Am- ammi, I- I was just dusting your room when-" 

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! DID YOU ASK ME BEFORE  ENTERING MY ROOM?! HOW DARE YOU EVEN COME HERE LIKE THIS AND SNOOP AROUND?!" Gritting her teeth, she yelled angrily, her face red.  

"A- Ammi no, it- it's not like that. I wasn't snooping around or anything. I- I just came here to dust your room." Stumbling while trying to step back, I replied, scared about her next move. 

"Oh really?! Then what was that journal doing in your hand? And what about that box, huh? Who took it out?" Folding her hands and looking at me inquisitively, she inquired, not believing me. 

"I- it caught my eye so I took them out to see. I'm sorry, I-" 

"Don't. Don't you even dare make any excuses for this! Besharam ladki! Kamre se kuch der ke liye gayab kya ho jao hamare to kamre ki talashi shuru ho jaati hai!" Muttering angrily, she interrupted me while snatching the journal from the table and keeping the paper back in it. 

(Shameless girl! I just left the room for a while and people started fishing around my room!) 

"N- nahi ammi, I'm sorry. Aisa- aisa kuch nahi-" 

(N- no mom, I'm sorry. It's- it's nothing like that-) 

"Maine tumse kuch pucha? Nahi na! To kyu mujhe tum apni safai dene me lagi hui ho? Ek to chori upar se seenazori! Wo to mai waqt par aa gayi aur maine tumhe dekh liya warna pata nahi aur kya kya karti tum. Abhi to bas meri journal nikali thi, aage kya nikalne ka irada tha Allah jaane! Aur pata nahi isse pehle aur kitne baar tum mere kamre me aayi hogi aur mere samaan ki talashi li hogi! Yahi sab sikha hai tumne?" Shooting me a glare, she slammed the journal back in the drawer before keeping the box inside. 

(Did I ask you something? No, right? Then why are you trying to clarify yourself to me? Thank God I came on time or else I don't know what else you would have done. Until now you just took out my journal, God knows what else you were planning on taking out! And God knows how many more times you would have snooped around in my room and fished around my things! Have you learned this only?)

Gulping the lump forming in my throat, I tired once again. "Ammi…" 

"Haa jab kuch bolne ke liye nahi hai to tum aur bol bhi kya sakti ho! Nikal jao mere kamre se! Mera saara mood kharab kar diya!" She mocked before giving me an irritated look. 

(Yeah, when you don't have anything to say, what else can you even! Get out of my room! You have ruined my whole mood!) 

"I- I'm sorry." I mumbled, ashamed. 

"Nahi chahiye mujhe tumhara koi sorry worry. JUST LEAVE!" Pointing towards the door, she thundered, making me flinch.  

(I don't want your sorry or anything.) 

"J- jee." Suppressing a sob which was threatening to escape and blinking my eyes, I scurried away. 

(Y- yeah.) 

"Yaha to koi mujhe sukoon se bhi rehne nahi de sakta!..." I heard her mutter under her breath as she slammed the drawer shut. 

(No one can let me be at peace here…) 

._._._. 

As I sipped the last bit of my coffee, my gaze flickered over to the wall clock in front of me. Realising it was getting late, I quickly got up to rinse the mug and get ready. I had to pick up Mira from her school before cooking rice. 

It had been two days since that incident, which meant that it was Friday today. And since it was Friday, I decided to make pulao, a mutton soup rice. The soup was ready, I just had to add rice and let it cook for a while. 

Locking the door and checking my mobile for any message or calls from ammi, I started walking the short distance from our home to school. 

I was studying in Ba National University, which was also thankfully around here only. And although there weren't many students there, I was kind of glad that at least I could complete my degree. 

Picking up Mira on my half days had become my routine, which gave me a chance to get a breath of fresh air and not think about anything for a while. It helped me clear my mind and schedule my day, which included trying to keep myself busy and not think about him… 

Taking the usual route, I turned into the familiar alleyway which was the shortcut to the school. Whenever I was in University, Mira used to come home alone, to an empty home. And it made me feel bad because neither I nor mama could be there for her when she returned home. It must feel so empty and lonely for her, because that was definitely the case for me on the days I returned home early to an empty house. But I had gotten used to it, to being alone and staying alone. 

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't realise when I bumped into someone in front of me, making me lose my balance as I stumbled back. 

Closing my eyes, I bit my lips when I realised that it was a guy. How could I be so careless?! Ya Allah, help me! Quickly picking up the phone which had slipped from the guy's hand, I extended it towards him. When he didn't take it from me, my gaze flickered up, only to realise it was the person who was the reason behind my sleepless nights. The reason for my happiness and maybe sadness too. The reason because of which my world stumbled and messed up, the reason for my hope. 

He was finally here. 

Wearing a white kurta pajama, he looked dashing to say the least. I couldn't even move my gaze away from him. It felt like a dream. Like if I blinked or looked away, I would just lose him once again. And I didn't want that, not at all. It felt so surreal, so… unbelievable… Was he really here? After all this time, after all this wait, he was actually here? Maybe he was actually here, right in front of me. But I couldn't believe it. At least not until and unless I touch him, or maybe pinch him. But- but what if it turned out to be someone else? What would I do then? 

Suddenly, his vaguely familiar signature scent hit my nostrils, bringing back our old memories. So it was him?! He was actually here after all. His scent, ya Allah, how could I have forgotten it?! How could I have not recognised it?! But wha- what was he doing here? And when did he come here? 

Tears obscured my vision as I continued to stare at him, unable to believe myself. He seemed lost in his thoughts, not even concerned about his mobile. I wondered what he was thinking about. What was so important that he couldn't even notice his own phone extended towards him? And did he not notice me? Or recognised me? 

Oh who was I even kidding?! I was wearing a niqab for God's sake and he wasn't even looking at me! He had his gaze lowered, which was a good thing, but not even noticing his phone?! This guy needed some brain, I thought. 

"Your mobile phone." I finally uttered, hoping for him to look up or maybe just recognise my voice. But instead, he just blinked his eyes, as if coming out of a trance, before grabbing his mobile from me and walking away. 

I continued to stare at where he was standing, dumbfounded. Was this guy serious?! Did he actually not recognise me or was he just trying to avoid me? 

'No Atifa, no assumptions! Just ask him instead before it's too late and you miss this chance.' My heart reminded me, bringing me out of my daze. 

"Did you not recognize me or are you ignoring me purposefully?" Turning around on my heels quickly, watching him walk away, I quietly asked, hoping for him to have heard me. I didn't know what happened to me at that time, but my voice refused to get any louder. It was as if someone was choking me, stopping me from saying anything out loud. Like if I said any louder, I might lose him from my sight, I might break the mirror of illusion built around me. Maybe my own thoughts were choking me, stopping me from ruining the moment? I didn't know. And I could care less about that at that moment. I just wanted him to turn around, acknowledge me, answer me and… Be with me. Hug me closer to him and tell me that everything was going to be alright this time. That everything was fine. That we passed this test and there won't be any more tests anymore. 

But those were just my thoughts, who knew if they would ever come true or… 

I knew he heard me when he stopped in his tracks. But when he didn't immediately turn around, a number of negative thoughts invaded my mind, making me kind of regret stopping him. 

What if he had already moved on and that's why he was avoiding me? Or maybe his parents didn't forgive him and that's why he hates me now? 

And without turning around or even acknowledging me, he walked away, taking with him my hope, my happiness and the remaining of my sanity. 

What… What was the matter? Why did he even do this? Did he actually move on? Or maybe… he hated me now… Yeah, that must be the reason for this behaviour of his. His parents might not have forgiven him and maybe, got him married to someone else. Ya Allah, what have I even done?! I just ruined someone's life! Tears streamed down my face as I continued to stare at the -now- deserted alley. Blinking my eyes, I tried to cease my tears and compose myself, reminding myself that it wasn't the time to ponder upon these thoughts. Mira must be waiting for me. 

I had no idea myself about why I was even hoping or expecting anything from him. I- I hated to say this but I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. And I- I felt lost. What was I even expecting from my future? 

Wiping my tears away hastily, I turned around, only to bump into someone else. And this time, it was Mira. 

"Wha- what are you doing here?" Bewildered and trying to clear my throat, I asked her while looking away, trying my best not to show her my teary gaze. 

"Oh api you are here! I was waiting for you but since you didn't come, I decided to go home alone." Looking up at me with her eyes gleaming, she replied excitedly. 

"Yeah, I- I'm sorry for being late. I got caught up in some work." Wiping a finger under my nose, I mumbled quietly before turning around to head back home. 

"It's okay, I'm happy that you are here." She chirped while hopping beside me, looking extremely happy. And I was glad. Glad that at least one of us was happy. 

._._._. 

"Api?" A tap on my shoulder brought me out of my brooding thoughts. 

"Y- yeah?" Looking up from my book, I replied, confused. Was she asking me something? 

"Kya hua?" A concerned look crossed her features as she inquired, sounding worried. 

(What happened?) 

"Kuch nahi Mira, but why are you asking me this?" Shaking my head, I replied while attempting to give her a small smile. 

(Nothing Mira,) 

"But you look lost and upset." She implored, sitting down. 

"Accha. But aisa kuch bhi nahi hai. I'm perfectly fine alhamdulillah. Bas aana wale exams ka stress hai." Lying, I looked away, already feeling guilt course through my body. But it wasn't entirely a lie, my mind defended itself. 

(I see. But it's nothing like that. I'm perfectly fine. Just stressed out about my upcoming exams.) 

"Accha. Then you shouldn't worry about that. Because I know that you are going to ace them!" Looking at me, she replied happily, making me raise a brow. What was the matter with her today? She looked extra cheerful and active today. 

(Oh.) 

Nevertheless, with a chuckle, I replied. "I hope so princess, I hope so." 

"By the way, you know api, I heard that a new office is going to open here soon. In our town." Looking inquisitively, she informed me. 

"Accha, but I haven't heard about it yet." Glancing at her, I murmured, trying to concentrate back on my work. The book in front of me had teaching strategies and I was aware of that. But just that and nothing else. Even when I had tried reading the context again and again, I realised, I hadn't understood even a thing! And it was all because of that guy! The guy who was the reason for the hurricane in my life! The guy who was my husband! 'Ya Allah, give me sabr!' I murmured quietly. 

"One of my classmates was telling us because her father works in an office na. She isn't nice." Mira replied, mumbling the last sentence quietly to herself. 

"Mira, we shouldn't say anything about anyone like that." As soon as I heard her, narrowing my eyes, I reprimanded her sternly. 

"Api, I said that because she was trying to show off! You know that most of the girls in my class aren't rich, right? So she was trying to make them feel bad!" She quickly defended herself, a scowl already forming on her face. 

"And how do you know about that? Did she tell you that herself?" Raising my brow, I inquired knowingly. 

"No but…" 

"No excuses Mira. What if she wasn't boasting but was genuinely happy and wanted to tell her friends about it? We shouldn't judge anyone like that, princess. That isn't right. No one has any right to judge anyone. Only Allah knows our intention and what is in our hearts. Only He can judge us. Always remember that." I explained softly, hoping she would understand me. 

"So no one can judge me too, haina?" With curiosity glinting in her orbs, she asked me.  

(Right?) 

"Yes, no one should. If we judge someone, then it doesn't tell us about others' character but of our own. Because we are the one being judgmental and making assumptions, not them." I told her while turning to the next page, finally giving up on the current topic. 

"Then you should tell ammi not to judge me." She mumbled quietly with a pout, and a small smile threatened to escape my lips. This girl! 

"Mira!" Glaring, I warned her sternly. 

"Okay okay. Sorry. I will try not to do that again." Looking at my expression in bewilderment, she quickly replied while raising her hands. 

"Good." Shaking my head, I turned back to my textbook. 

"Anyways, you know what this means?! This means that our town is expanding api! And soon, everyone will know about it! Then In Sha Allah one day, bhaijaan will come here and take us back to our old home." Sighing dreamily, she looked into the space with a faraway look on her face. 

(Saad) 

But her words; they hit a chord, making me breathless, hurting me from inside, slicing through my skin and piercing through my heart. 

"We shouldn't hope for much princess. Sometimes our own expectations hurt us more than we could ever imagine." Sighing, I muttered tiredly. 

"But why? Bhaijaan promised us na. He promised us that he will come to take you back." Frowning, she looked at me in confusion. 

(Saad) 

"Some promises always remain unfulfilled..." 

"But you said that you believed in him. That he will come to take us back. Then what happened now?" Trying to get a clearer look of my face, she tilted her head slightly in wonderment. 

"Nothing Mira. Just leave it and focus on your studies." Without looking up at her, I mumbled, as once again, tears constricted my chest, clogging my throat. 

"Api tell me na. I want to know." She whined, sliding closer to me. 

"I'm just confused. I will tell you when I figure it out myself, okay?" Blinking my eyes quickly, I glanced at her, attempting to give her a tight lipped smile. I didn't have it in me to lie or to make up any excuse. I was tired and just wanted some peace of mind without any interruptions or excuses. 

"Then don't be! Believe me when I say that bhaijaan will come and he will come here soon, In Sha Allah! And he won't break his promise. I know that he won't. Have faith in Allah, api, he won't let anything bad happen again. And trust Him, He will bring back bhaijaan. Don't lose your hope, api. See, even I haven't lost it yet!" Holding my cheeks, she turned my face to look at her as she told me, her eyes gleaming with hope and trust, something which compelled me to have hope too. 

But wasn't this same hope broken today? Will I be able to hope again? No actually, the question should be, should I hope again? 

"In Sha Allah Mira. I will remember this. Now complete your homework jaldi se." Cupping her face with one of my hands, I rubbed my thumb on her cheeks with a small smile, hoping for that accidental meeting to somehow turn out to be my illusion... 

(Hopefully) 
(Now complete your homework quickly.) 

But we can't turn every sad event into an illusion, can we? 

._._._. 

• Now why would Saad do that?!

._._._.