˗ˏˋ stalling caresses and looming anguish 'ˎ˗

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The closer they get to the cottage, the faster Amoli's nervousness grows.

Mahika's head not only weighs over her shoulder but also her heart, and she's convinced that she hasn't breathed properly the whole time they have been driving. But honestly? That's the least of her worries.

Every time, every time she inhales, she feels the mild scent of Mahika's hair - roses mixed with mint - invade her senses and slowly cloud her thoughts, until it's the only thing she can think about.

Amoli has never been this overwhelmed in her life.

To make matters worse, she can feel Naina's eyes skating over them from the rearview mirror every few minutes, unintentionally swallowing in stress every time she notices it. With her hands wrung together in her lap, Amoli doesn't dare meet her eyes.

Even though it's just something as simple as Mahika falling asleep with her head on her shoulder, Amoli feels like the ambience around them shifts to something distinct every time they're put in the same space; something that makes it obvious that Mahika and Amoli have never been friends, and if there was a possibility of them being anything together, it would never be just friends.

Because she doesn't know where else to look, she fixes her eyes outside the window instead, trying to ignore the way that the escaped hair from Mahika's bun tickles the side of her neck and instead trying to focus on the orange glow of the setting sun. The sky is pretty, of course, with the orange bleeding into the blue. It always is. But with the scramble inside Amoli's head, it looks like nothing but a blur.

When she gives up and turns her face with a soft sigh, she makes the mistake of meeting Naina's eyes in the mirror, and then another mistake of quickly looking away when her breath hitches in her throat.

She wasn't in the right head-space to conceal her expression on time, but she presses her lips together and internally beats herself up over the moment of weakness anyway.

Against her better judgment, she ends up looking back in the direction of the rear-view mirror, meeting Naina's eyes after a moment yet again. Amoli isn't sure what the expression on her own face looks like, but Naina definitely sees the hint of desperation in her eyes because her expression softens only seconds before she passes her a little smile.

Amoli lets out a shaky breath, but keeps the eye-contact intact until Naina gives her the tiniest of nods, a subtle, tender sign of assurance that calms the storm inside Amoli's chest in the blink of an eye.

Unable to help herself from not looking away this time, Amoli blinks quickly when she begins to get teary-eyed.

Of course, she thinks, shaking her head at the realization that Naina has given her the acceptance that she hadn't been able to ask out loud for. The acceptance she had been begging for without letting the words actually leave her lips. Just from one person. Just one. To begin. To be able to acknowledge that she doesn't have to stomp over her own feelings until they're buried at the deepest pits of her heart.

And of course, of all the people that she knows in the world, it's Naina that gives her the small push she had needed to hold on to her happiness without saying a word.

When the car stops and Amoli's figure is pushed forward for a split-second, she's convinced that Mahika has definitely woken up. Things are now going to be awkward and tense, and they're going to go back to square one. The rest of their trip is going to be weird, and they'll probably spend the entire time avoiding each other.

Except... Mahika is still asleep.

"Mahi always needs a moment to wake up when she's really tired," Naina announces loudly, and Amoli's eyes widen at the attention on herself. "There's something I need to show you." This time, Naina's words are directed at Akash, and Amoli is just left to stare between them with cluelessness on her face. "Let's go inside first. I'm sure Amoli can get her to wake up soon."

Amoli stares after her, eyes following after her brother as he nods and simply slides out of the car, shutting the door behind him. Naina follows after him, and Amoli blinks because what Naina just said makes no sense.

It's obvious that she's just trying to get Akash to leave them alone. It's both baffling and terrifying that he just goes along with it, because Amoli isn't sure if he knows or if he's just too absentminded to pay any mind to his wife's whys and wherefores.

So not long after that, with the sound of Akash and Naina's receding footsteps, Amoli is left all alone with Mahika still passed out.

It's odd how small Mahika looks like this, considering she basically towers over other girls when she's standing. And endearing, of course. But that's a thought Amoli is going to save away for later. When she isn't engulfed in Mahika's scent inside an empty car with the said girl sleeping peacefully with her head on Amoli's shoulder.

She takes a few calming breaths, so her voice doesn't come out shaky and finally says, "Mahi?"

Don't call me that.

Amoli presses her lips together at the echo of the words inside her head and stares down at her lap, closing her fingers into fists so her hands wouldn't shake. Then after a few more seconds, that she just spent chewing on the inside of her cheek, she finally says, "Mahika?" in a slightly louder voice.

That makes her stir, just a little, and a moment later Amoli hears a low hum.

Since Amoli isn't sure if she can actually let out another word, she just reaches out, hesitance clear in her action, and takes hold of Mahika's shoulder before gently shaking her awake.

There's another hum, this time a little louder and sounding like a noise of protest - Amoli quickly drops her hand back in her lap - before Mahika sleepily clicks her tongue and slowly raises her face.

And bad, bad idea because God their noses are now within a hair's breadth of touching each other.

Mahika's eyes, that had been half-open with exhaustion, slowly begin to open more, and Amoli records the exact second when she blinks once, slowly, as if finding it a little hard to believe who she's seeing.

Although Amoli can't think of anything other than wanting to slot her nose alongside Mahika's and close the barely-any distance between them, she forces herself to settle with a lighthearted, meek, whispered, "Hi."

Because it's my own damn fault I can't kiss her.

Amoli only has a second to catch Mahika's lips parting in the slightest before she's quickly pulling away, staring straight ahead with her expression still looking a bit disoriented. "Sorry," she mumbles quickly, and Amoli feels her heart squeeze in her chest at the apology. She watches Mahika's eyebrows draw closer until two lines form on her head to spell a 'v', and she doesn't like the sight.

She hates it, even. She hates that she has said things that made Mahika apologize to her for something as simple as falling asleep on her shoulder. She hates that she couldn't simply rest her cheek against Mahika's head the entire ride.

Instead, she was stuck with a stiff, awkward posture and a brain running in overdrive, solely because she was too big of a coward to act on what she truly wanted even though she was already aware of the fact that Mahika returned her feelings.

The stark contrast between the expression Mahika has on her face right now and the expression she was wearing when they were at the farm hits Amoli harder than anything else. The idea of being the reason behind the downward switch in her spirit is something she had been avoiding up to this point.

And now it's right in front of her face.

The silence between them stretches to a length that's clearly far from comfortable, the delicate string of the untitled nature of their relationship beginning to fray from the middle. Mahika releases a soft, shaky breath and reaches for the door handle, while Amoli desperately searches for words inside her head - any words, because there's no way they're going to be okay if she lets Mahika leave just like this.

"Mahi?"

She pauses, right as Amoli flinches at the realization that she has messed up again. Mahika, she reminds herself. You lost the right to call her by any other names when you accused her of taking advantage of your drunken state.

Mahika might have turned to look at her. Amoli wouldn't know. Because her eyes are fixated strictly on her lap, the words, 'I'm sorry' clawing at her throat. But what good would an apology do? What good would any words do now when Amoli has already lost the right as well as the time to speak them?

She doesn't correct Amoli for the name.

It's the whispered, "Is everything okay?" instead from Mahika's side that makes Amoli's shoulders sag in defeat, eyes closing for a split second in pure exhaustion from all of the words that she has been hoarding before she opens her mouth and shakily asks:

"What are we?"

There's another beat of prolonged silence between them before Mahika sighs and leans back in her seat. "I don't know," she says finally, and Amoli couldn't relate to the defeat in her voice more. Then in a quieter voice, she adds, "Certainly not friends."

It stings harder than Amoli had expected it to. The possibility that she's nothing but another person Mahika has to be around solely because of her best friend has Amoli's breath catching in her throat with desperation."Why not?"

"Why are you toying with my feelings?" Mahika asks instead of answering her question, and Amoli flinches yet again, because that was not what she was trying to do. One tentative look in Mahika's direction tells her that it was exactly how her question had come across.

If this was a few months ago, Amoli would have replied with something cutting of her own. But because she's tired of fighting her feelings - sometimes with snark and the other times by skirting past every not-so-platonic thought she had about the girl beside her - she tries to muster all the sincerity in her voice that she possibly can without breaking down and whispers:

"That wasn't my intention. I'm sorry. I..." She looks away when Mahika continues to stare at her like she's trying not to snap, swallowing the lump in her throat before she adds, "I realize I've been... giving you mixed signals this whole time a-and I swear I didn't mean to do that. It's just that I'm conf-"

"Confused?" Mahika interrupts, crossing her arms across her chest. Instead of getting intimidated by it and then immediately trying to counter her words like Amoli would have a few months ago, she simply shakes her head.

"Conflicted," she corrects, and then raises her face to meet Mahika's eyes. It's hard to not look away but now that it's her turn to be honest, she wants- needs Mahika to know that she's being sincere about every word that she speaks. "I've never doubted how I feel about you." She pauses, watching the fire of the first traces of fury in Mahika's eyes die down.

"Friends aren't supposed to see each other the way I see you," Mahika says, looking away. Her arms are still folded across her chest, but it doesn't look like a posture of defense anymore. With the way she swallows and purposely turns her face away a little bit more tells Amoli that she's now trying to protect herself. "Does that answer your question?"

There's no harshness in Mahika's words. just frustration. Amoli feels the burn behind her eyes grow in intensity, barely being able to get the words past when she says, "I don't... I don't want us to simply go our separate ways when the trip is over."

Mahika sucks in a sharp breath, as if that was the last thing she had expected to hear out of Amoli's mouth. "Well, I can't be friends with you."

Eyes swimming with tears, Amoli whispers, "Mahi..."

"I won't sit here and pretend like I don't think about kissing you every time we're around each other," Mahika interrupts, her voice starting on a firm tone but then wavering towards the end. She bites her lower lip, staring outside the window with her fingers curled into fists on her lap. "I refuse to swallow my feelings after I've finally acted upon them, drunk or not. I respect your decision to not..." She gestures between them, looking up just in time to see a lone tear slide down Amoli's cheek, immediate sorrow clouding her own features. "...to not pursue whatever this is between us. I understand that you're scared. But all I'm asking is for you to respect how I feel in return."

Mahika looks away again, drawing in a shuddering breath.

"I'm not going to try and convince you to be with me when you're obviously terrified of the consequences. And I get that. In case you're forgetting it, I'm just as far buried in the closet as you are."

Amoli's tears only come faster when Mahika reaches out to hesitantly, yet tenderly brush the dampness on her cheek away with her thumb. Her touch lingers for only a second longer, but it's enough for Amoli to wrap her fingers around her delicate wrist and lean into her touch, the throb of pain in her chest more prominent than ever.

"I don't know what to do," Amoli chokes out, the warmth from Mahika's hand a beautiful yet devastating contrast against her cold cheek.

It's the anchor holding the vessel of Amoli's emotions together because as soon as the tender caress of Mahika's fingers leaves her skin, a faint, miserable whimper makes its way past her lips.

"Me neither," Mahika whispers with tears in her own eyes, reaching out to loosen Amoli's hold off her wrist. "I can't be friends with you, Amoli."

And then she's pulling away and her hand that had just been on Amoli's cheek is now pulling the door of the car open, and within seconds she's walking inside the cottage and away from Amoli's eyesight.

They might see each other as soon as Amoli leaves the car and follows after her.

But she has a sinking feeling in her stomach that it's not going to matter.

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a/n

i was too anxious to sleep so here's an update :')

i'm too tired to say anything else today i just hope y'all are doing well.
thank you so much for reading <3