I watched the lights from through the window, casting bright trails of different colors against the night. Toni was released after they'd restored her strength and assured us that the baby was fine. That it'd just been a fainting spell that occasionally happened during early pregnancies and nothing really to write home about.

By the mood in the car as papa drove mama, Toni and I home, you'd think that someone had actually died.

It was so bad that no one said anything even despite the fact that the radio station that was dialed on the car was one of those that were more static than anything that made sense. But tonight was the first time in a couple of weeks that we were all together and that was a good thing. Even if at the end of the night Toni and I died from our eardrums splintering and leaking out all the blood in our heads from all the screaming our parents were sure to do once we made it home.

I felt something nudge against my thigh and when I looked down I saw my sister's outstretched hand. Toni faced forward, serene. Or maybe resigned to her fate. I clasped my hand in hers and squeezed. As I swallowed past a lump in my throat I decided I had to do something. This couldn't go on like this any longer. If not for them, for the fact that I wanted my big sister back. I was done with having to sneak around our parents to see her. Yes, she'd done a terrible thing and the consequences were hers to bear for life, but it wasn't fair that I had to pay for our parents anger as well.

Toni and I took a deep breath as if choreographed when we got out of the car outside our garage. I sent her a little smile and offered my hand. We walked behind our parents like that until we were in our living room. They turned around, ready to unleash a world of suffering on us. Except I was faster.

"Are you really going to do this?" I asked, as if I didn't fear the chancletazos that mama could unleash on me. She'd never hit Toni now, but I was fair game. Still, my boldness caught them off guard and I took a step forward. "We just came back from the hospital and thank God everything's fine. But what if it hadn't been?"

The lump in my throat was back, this time in partnership with a certain sting behind my eyes that I had to work hard to blink away. Toni's hand reminded me that this wasn't about me. I didn't have a right to make a scene and make this all about me.

But our parents didn't, either.

"What if something bad had happened to Toni and the baby?" I shook my head and said, "What if the last words we said to her were the harsh things you said that drove her away two weeks ago?"

She tugged at my hand and said my name with her soothing voice. She'd never had the nerve to say this to our parents, having grown up as the obedient and deferent daughter. It had earned their approval up until this happened, and even though I'd always craved that and tried to follow in Toni's footsteps as much as possible to get it, I'd never really receive it because our parents simply did not hold me to the impossibly high standards they held Toni at. The ones she'd always surpassed.

I studied hard. I didn't use foul words. I hung out with good kids. I didn't date. I dressed conservatively. I aspired to go to the best business school in town. I put all of this pressure on myself from seeing what they demanded of Toni. The second she'd made a mistake, they'd turned against her. Their perfect daughter had embarrassed them, made them feel nowhere near as perfect as they portrayed themselves to our community.

How would they react if I screwed up?

Did I have any hope that they'd forgive me, support me, embrace me, if they hadn't done the same to Toni?

And ultimately, that was why I lifted my chin up and said, "Wouldn't that have been so much worse than the embarrassment of having a grandson out of wedlock?"

It was as if I knew I had to cover my bases. As if somehow I knew that I was also bound to fail in their eyes.

Mamas eyes started watering then and suddenly papa had difficulty meeting our eyes. I took that as a victory that I felt deep in my gut. I tugged Toni along and said, "Let's go."

Of course, in the privacy of my mind I could admit that the churning in my gut was not all due to victory gloating. I was aware that what I'd done just now came across as though I was Toni's biggest champion when in truth I was doing this for myself. Because no matter what, I always looked out for myself first.

Yes, the definition of selfish on Merriam-Webster cited me as the prime example.

I locked my bedroom door behind us and sat Toni on my bed. I put my hands on my hips and before I lost my nerve I said, "I have to apologize to you."

Her face turned into a mask of skepticism.

"Are you kidding me? That was amazing out there," she said, shaking her hair so her dark hair fell forward. "I've never seen you have the—the balls to say something like that to them. And it was for me."

"No, that's precisely what I'm trying to apologize for." I sat down next to her, grabbing my hands together. "I did it for myself."

Toni chuckled. "What, are you pregnant too, or something?"

I gave her a look. From the Holy Spirit? But instead I said, "No. I just think that if they don't forgive you for this, they'll freaking write me off the family if I ever make a misstep." I looked at my hands. "That's what I was thinking about while I gave that little speech back then. The point is that you shouldn't feel so grateful to me right now."

Silence fell between us.

There, that was the price I had to pay for my rare show of honesty. You know that advice people give of being yourself? It was a load of bull droppings. I was not in the habit of revealing my true motives to anybody, much preferring to let people think I was a sweet and proper little lady. If I were to draw my true soul, I probably would look like Ursula from The Little Mermaid, but instead with a more horror villain vibe. If everybody saw me for who I was, I'd be shunned from polite society forever.

This was why Sawyer terrified me. Sometimes he made a comment or gave me a look that let me know he saw right through the polite veneer I'd created and to the ugly core of me. This was the origin of the nickname he gave me. We'd been playing in papa's office with some of my Disney princess toys once when I accidentally snapped the head off of Aurora, who I fancied as my favorite for obvious reasons. As he tried to fix it I started crying, but when papa came over to see what the commotion was I was gripped by the fear that he'd scold me for the careless way I handled my own things with. So I pointed my finger at Sawyer and said it was his fault. The two pieces of the toy fell from his hands and he cowed, sure that papa would strike him. Sawyer didn't accuse me back. He just curled up and started crying. In total silence.

After papa reassured both of us that everything was okay and we were both overreacting to what really was a minor incident, I was cut to the bone by the way Sawyer looked at me. As though I had hurt him so bad that he'd never trust anybody again.

He'd stood up and as he looked down at me and the pieces of Princess Aurora between us he said, "You're no princess. You're a horrible villain."

We'd been six. At some point when we were ten was when he started calling me princess on the regular, and it wasn't because I lived in a castle. Every time he uttered the word, it was charged with the memory of that afternoon in papa's office.

Toni flopped backwards onto the mattress with a sigh, bringing me back to the present. She said, "It's fine. Fighting for your rights also helps me." She pulled at my long hair until I turned back to look at her. "Besides," she continued. "You're not telling me anything new. You think I don't know you're a bit of a bitch?"

I gasped. "Toni! Language-"

This time she laughed. "Oh, Rory. I'm past caring about papa and mama's rules. I just want to live."

I flopped down next to her, on my side so that I could look at her profile. "Did he turn you into a rebel?"

"Who?" she asked.

"Adam."

Her hand smacked her forehead and dragged down her face. "Crap."

That probably had something to do with the fact that after she'd been discharged, papa and mama had got a few nasty words in about Adam on our way to the car. At least Sawyer had already left at that point and didn't also witness that.

Crap was right, because now I was wondering if Sawyer was going to say anything at school. I'd never seen him to be much of a gossip, but it was true that he had a few grudges against us. And I was supposed to tutor him at lunch.

I also rubbed my face. I was so tired.

"No, he's not the cause," she answered to my earlier question. "He's the consequence of my rebellion. And now that he knows I'm pregnant and that I hid it from him, he's probably going to become a sad consequence."

"You don't know that," I mused, brushing her hair away from her face. She turned to me, hope shining in her eyes and it made me smile a little. "I think that if he had the bravery to stay in the presence of Alberto and Maria Lucia, even as his physical integrity was being threatened, it's probably because you mean something to him."

"Is it bad if I hope so?" she asked, sighing. "I mean, it's not like I'm dreaming of marrying him tomorrow and riding off into the sunset, but I think-" Toni interrupted herself as she put her hands on her belly before saying, "I think I want him in our lives."

"If you ask him, I think he'll be."

This earned me a bright smile.

"You're not as terrible as you think, Rory."

Finally that wrenched a laugh out of me and my whole body relaxed. "Gee, thanks."

But secretly I was elated. This was the first time I openly revealed a little of my true self and was accepted. I hugged Toni and vowed that even though I was the way I was, I was going to be Toni and the bean sized baby's champion. What I wanted was simple: to be the best version of myself, which I couldn't accomplish only on great grades and college acceptances. I'd only be able to get there if I had somebody who accepted me by my side, and that person was Toni. If that included accepting the father into the fold, fine. If that also included fighting off our parents and completely destroying any chance I had at becoming the perfect daughter in their eyes, so be it.

I was ready to finally start fighting for myself.

is this...

what people call

character development??