Hey guess what haha

MORE JANUS ANGST

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF

also, two chapters in one day! I'm slightly impressed!! :D

TW: C*tting 

Janus's POV:

I was hiding in a janitor's closet, surrounded by paint cans and empty cleaner bottles, my hand curled around a scrap of paper. 

Tears rolled down my face as my thoughts flashed, broken and asymmetrical, dark and hollow. I smeared off a tear and gasped for air, shaking my head and feeling the familiar twist of horror and fear tangle around my heart.

In my hand, I held a piece of paper I had found on a pole outside, taped with dark grey duck tape, and printed with bold words. They had been cropping up recently, each one digging under my skin, each one another slash with the razor blade. 

REWARD

The safe return of my son, Janus Spice. 

An order by the mayor of Lakeside Valley; Mayor Carl Darke

If you see this person please call this number. Do not interact, just follow.

569-730-3327

Please help find him, he has been missing for years.

Please.

REWARD

I ripped the paper in half, hearing the paper rip jaggedly with cold satisfaction. The words tore, and I tore, and tore and tore and tore until it was in shreds.

Until I was in shreds. 

More tears leaked out of my eyes, slipping down my face and landing with silence on the paper, soaking into the words and blurring the ink. 

Balling the paper up, I threw it violently in the trash, crying. 

A pain was spreading through my body, blackened and twisted, like being slashed with a dull knife. It hurt, an old wound reopening, and spilling agonizing blood all over my body.

I thought I forgot I should have forgotten I need to forget please let me forget

My thoughts spilled into each other, blending and mixing until I wasn't sure I could tell them apart. With a horrified, terrified whimper, I crumpled to the ground, my body wracked with sobs and scratching uncontrollably at my arm until it bled. 

Pain was still ripping through me, cold and miserable and I just wanted it to stop--

Something caught my eye.

Something glinting, sharp and grey-- a broken piece of a mop. Dagger-shaped and deadly sharp, it lay on the ground silently. 

With shaking hands, I reached over and picked it up.

Nobody would notice...

Right?

---

I was sitting in the bedroom, having taken a shower and put on new clothes. It was dark, as I hadn't bothered to turn on the light, and the dark disguised my awful face. 

The doorknob rattled and Emile walked in, looking tired and holding something wrapped in white paper. With a smile, he tossed it at me, and I caught it, realizing it was a sandwich. "Thankss, Emile," I forced up, offering him a small grin.

He waved my thanks away and flopped onto the bed, groaning softly into the pillow. 

I glanced at him, amused. "Did ssomething happen?" I asked. 

Emile made another muffled hiss that I took as a yes, and I snorted, unwrapping the sandwich. "You wanna tell me about it?"

"No," he mumbled, turning over. "I feel super completely useless right now."

The door was opened again, and everyone else came into the room, chatting a bit and laughing slightly. Remus lit up at the sight of me, and I stood up, smiling and letting him pull me into a hug. "Hey Jan, you alright?" he asked, tilting his head. 

I hesitated. "Uh... yeah. Why do you assk, iss there ssomething wrong?" I blinked at him, trying to push the dripping-black feeling out of my stomach. 

He paused, furrowing his brow. "No, nothing," he finally said, sitting down on the bench and looking at me oddly. "You just seem a bit off."

I froze, but shook my head, opening and closing my mouth slowly. "Thankss, Remuss, but I'm fine," I insisted, laying down on the covers and curling up. 

"If you say so," Remus shrugged. "Also GUESS WHAT ANDY LOST!" he yelped happily, and I almost fell of the bed in shock. 

That was, perhaps, the best news I had heard all day. 

Grinning now, I high-fived Remus, smiling cheerfully around at everyone else. Patton was sitting on his bed looking extremely very happy, bouncing up and down and literally vibrating with excitement, Logan was sitting next to him actually smiling-- when was the last time he-- never mind. 

Remy seemed to be lost in thought, but the normally dark aura he had around him had lifted, and he felt freer, more open. That seemed good. Emile sat up, still looking slightly disgruntled but smiling affectionately, his grin lopsided and his glasses slightly tilted. Remy reached over and fixed them, and Emile blushed a shade of bright red I didn't even know was possible. 

Roman was squealing to himself, with Virgil rolling his eyes, smiling softly. They were drinking sodas, and Roman kept giving Virgil and Remy suspicious glances, keeping the can close to his chest. Virgil kissed his boyfriend on the cheek, and Roman dragged him into a sweet hug that glowed with happiness. 

Remus grasped my hand, sending me a sweet, cute glance and I kissed him, our hands tangling together. "That'ss wonderful," I laughed. 

"Isn't it isn't it isn't it?" Remus giggled, his entire body practically lighting up. "And now I get to spend the rest of the night with you, this is pretty much my favorite day ever!"

My mind flashed back to the dark janitor's closet, and my smile faltered for a second, my arms stinging slightly. "Yeah, I'm not ssurprissed," I replied, adding a fake lilt to my tone. 

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Remy reach over and kiss Emile on the cheek, my roommate letting out a tiny squeak and looking as if he wanted to jump out a window. 

"REMY," Roman gasped, pressing both hands to his mouth. "WHAT WAS THAT."

"Oh, nothing," Remy said smugly. 

Virgil, who was still frozen in place, scoffed. "I have seen 'nothing' before, and trust me, that was something," he objected. "Now tell me. What happened."

Emile hid his face in his hands. "Some stuff last night," he replied in a muffled whisper. "Uh-- I kind of accidentally confessed? And kisses? Ensued?" He sighed, looking up from under his eyelashes. "I'm not actually too sure."

I clapped. "Well done, darling," I purred. "I knew you could do it! And aww, were you tired?" I chuckled at the look on Emile's face. "How cute."

"Well of course, we were both totally drowsy," Remy pointed out. "It was like one in the morning. And by the way, just for the record, yes I am used to staying up late at night. I am an insomniac, Em."

Patton coughed, and one of the coughs sounded suspiciously like understatement, but when Remy turned his gaze Patton blinked innocently. 

Virgil laughed, and Emile ducked his head, blushing bright red. I smirked, raising my eyebrows and glancing up at Remus, who was staring with evil intent at the two (newest) lovebirds.

Maybe this day was, in fact, looking up.

...maybe. 

---

Or maybe not. 

Later in the night, I was snoozing quietly, when I felt someone grab my hands and I woke with a start. 

Remus pressed a hand over my mouth, looking at me with saddened anguish. 

"What'ss wrong?" I whispered, my voice muffled. "Iss everything okay?"

He shook his head, glancing down at my arms. "I knew there was something going on," he murmured, his voice hushed and quiet. "But I never thought... Janus, please tell me what's wrong. I need to know."

I opened and closed my mouth, looking down at my arms. During the night, the sleeves had rollen up, exposing the tentative slashes going every which way on my dark skin. 

"I..." I made a small whimper, feeling tears pooling at the edges of my eyes. "Remuss, I..."

He kissed me softly on the cheek. "I know. Please, just tell me."

And so I did. 

"I was taking a walk, and it was nothing weird. I was just going for a walk, right? It was just a walk, and I looked over at the lightpole, and..."

I faded off, my voice choked. Tears had begun to slip down my face, salty and metallic, my voice cracked and breathless. "And..." I let out a tiny sob and pulled another of the MISSING posters out of my pocket. 

Remus pulled a flashlight out of his pajama pocket and scanned the page, his face growing more and more horrified as it went on. He looked up at me, his eyes agonized and helpless. "Oh my god, hydra," he whispered. 

I felt his arms wrap around me, pulling me into a tight embrace, and I finally let myself cry. 

Goddammit, it was so hard not to cry all the time I was here. People looking at me, recognizing me, the fear the fear the pain the memories it all just crashed down, and I didn't ever want to remember any of it--

No, no, no no no no no, no--

"Jan, breathe," Remus mumbled into my ear. "You're not-- not breathing." He let out a long, shaky breath and shook his head. I pressed myself closer to his chest, curling up into a tight ball and sobbing, my breath coming in ragged gasps, my heartbeat dropping and rising. 

"Janus," he whispered, grasping at my hands and pressing them to my chest so I could feel my own erratic heartbeat. "Listen to me."

I coughed, a wretched sob clawing its way out of my throat. 

He looked me in the eye, a ferocious expression on his face, fiercely protective and somehow woeful at the same time. "We're getting out of here, as soon as we can, no matter what."

I curled into him, my breath ragged and loose. "Thank you," I mumbled. "Thank you."