Chuuya steps through the front door of his home, ready to kick back on the couch with a glass of wine and his juvenile but endearing boyfriend. However, his return is to an empty house.

He checks his phone and sees no messages from said boyfriend, and sighs. He immediately jumps to the conclusion that that man most likely stepped out to try and commit suicide—which would be a shame, he's been doing so well lately—so he turns around to leave his home again and go find him—but then sees a sticky note attached to the inside of the door.

Went out for groceries. I'll be home soon.

Chuuya immediately feels an odd sensation in his gut.

Dazai never ran errands. The only times Chuuya's sure Dazai has ever even set foot in a grocery store are the times Chuuya went and he dragged Dazai along. This definitely isn't right, so Chuuya opens the door anyway and exits his home to find the brunette doing who knows what who knows where.

~

After their days as partners, Chuuya has learned many things about Dazai, including his behaviors and mannerisms, which very few people can comprehend. Chuuya ponders if that's a blessing or a curse frequently.

Chuuya knew Dazai hadn't left to commit suicide. He knows if Dazai wanted to do that, he'd either explicitly say it, or not leave a note at all. From past experiences with that odd man, Chuuya learned that he doesn't beat around the bush with suicide.

By eliminating that possibility, Chuuya deduced places Dazai tends to go at certain times of the day, or year, or simply places Dazai tends to frequent in general.

One location immediately comes to mind, so Chuuya decides to go there first—and of course, that's where Dazai is.

He stares down at Dazai, who is sitting up against an arched rock. It's like a ritual for the brunette, visiting this place. And Chuuya doesn't blame him, he'd do the same thing.

Chuuya opens his mouth to say, "You know, you're way too predictable," but chooses to stay silent instead, given the situation. He leans over to look down at Dazai, who has his head tilted to the sky, eyes shut. He sighs, then opens his eyes, which widen slightly at the sight of Chuuya.

He'd ask why Chuuya's here, but he knows the answer already.

He immediately paints a smile on his face. "Ah, Chuuya. Good to see you~"

Chuuya crouches down until he is sitting in the grass, on the other side of the stone. He stares down at the inscription: S. Oda. He, too, sighs, and goes to put a hand on Dazai's shoulder, but changes his mind at the last minute, instead putting his hand on top of the stone.

Dazai's voice is softer than normal. "Don't mind me. I'm just...contemplating things."

Chuuya's face falls slightly. While he wasn't close to the man this grave is in honor of, he remembers how much he meant to Dazai. "Would you like to talk about it?"

Dazai shrugs. "Dunno. Maybe I will later. Thank you, Chuuya."

The words are empty, and Chuuya doesn't like it. But he chooses not to bring it up, lest he trigger something in Dazai. "Okay," Chuuya whispers. "Well...let me know if you need anything."

"I will."

Chuuya hates when Dazai is sad. Maybe part of it is because he's corny and hates seeing the man he loves sad. But a large reason behind it is—Dazai is complicated. Chuuya has accepted that the man has issues with feeling depressed often, but masks it a lot. When the sadness shows through, however, is when it's especially worrying.

Dazai when he's visibly upset is cold and empty and he seems lost. Whenever Chuuya sees Dazai in a state like this, he wants anything to change it, to make him not sad. But not even Dazai knows how to achieve that.

Especially when he's sad about something like this, something that cannot be changed.

"I'm cold."

Chuuya snaps out of his daze when he hears his lover's voice. He stands up and walks to the other side of the grave, and he looks at Dazai. His eyes are hollow and his body is trembling.

Chuuya frowns. What a heartbreaking sight.

"Poor baby," Chuuya says lovingly. "Want to go home?"

Under normal circumstances, when Chuuya sees Dazai in a state like this, he'd not bother even asking and immediately throw Dazai over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and run home with him. But this circumstance is special. This is a different kind of sadness the brunette is feeling. A sadness that requires extra precaution and gentleness from others when tending to. Which includes giving Dazai choices on matters he normally wouldn't get a choice on.

Dazai nods meekly, and Chuuya gently lifts him up in his arms, holding him in a gentle and comfortable way with both hands, unlike the way he regularly holds him.

He brings Dazai home, placing him on their couch gently, quickly swaddling him in a soft blanket.

"Would you like me to get you anything?"

Dazai stares off into space silently for a moment before he answers, "Spiked tea."

Chuuya blinks a few times. "Spiked tea?" He wants to make sure he heard the brunette right.

Dazai nods. "I need warmth...but also numbness."

Chuuya's eyes fall at that statement, and suddenly, he also feels sad. He turns around and heads to the kitchen, filling his kettle with water and boiling it.

Chuuya despises it when Dazai is sad like this, but despises it even more when Dazai is sad like this and he can't do anything to help him feel better. He doesn't like the idea of enabling Dazai's want to drink this feeling away, but at least by doing this himself and not letting Dazai do it, he can monitor Dazai's alcohol intake.

Once the water has boiled, Chuuya finds his special lavender tea, steeping the water with it for several minutes, then goes to his liquor cabinet, finding one of Dazai's bottles of sake, regretfully pouring it into the tea. He stirs the concoction for about a minute, then takes out a tea cup and brings it to Dazai.

"Hope you like it," the redhead says as he places the cup into Dazai's pleading hands.

Dazai looks down at the tea, then up at Chuuya. He offers him the best smile he can give at the moment. "Thank you, Chuuya. You're so sweet."

Chuuya presses a quick kiss to Dazai's forehead. "You're welcome."

At that, he leaves Dazai to sit on the couch alone, and he sits in a chair adjacent to the couch.

He picks up his television remote, turning it on and surfing the channels until he finds light jazz. He puts it on; he's not feeling like watching anything right now, and he knows Dazai would be unhappy with any show put on right now. So he settles for calming music, hopefully to get Dazai to relax as the tea should hopefully accomplish, too.

Periodically, as the evening darkens, Dazai requests a refill on his tea, and Chuuya grants this request, until the tea is all gone and Dazai is brought to be tipsy.

Chuuya stares at the brunette as he slugs the last sip of tea. His jaw is slightly slacked and his eyes are dazed. Chuuya can't tell if the alcohol has given Dazai the effects he wanted, but he can tell it definitely calmed him.

"Chuuya…" Dazai whispers.

Chuuya's eyes well up with sadness at the pathetic and half-drunk tone of Dazai's voice.

"I'm sleepy...would you carry me to bed?"

Chuuya stands up immediately. "Of course," he cooes, and he removes the blanket from the brunette's head and picks him up in his arms, carrying him into their shared bedroom.

He stares at the way Dazai stretches all his limbs as his back hits the mattress. Usually, Chuuya would find that adorable and endearing. But right now, he just feels sorry for the man.

"May I put you in your pajamas?"

Dazai opens his eyes as little as he needs to in order to see Chuuya. "Mhm...extra soft and comfy ones, please…"

Chuuya grants this wish, stripping Dazai of his dirt-covered work clothes, replacing them with soft and fuzzy sleepwear that he got Dazai for his birthday last year. Chuuya then promptly changes into sleepwear himself.

He climbs into bed beside Dazai, administering three taps on his shoulder. Dazai immediately rolls to face him in acknowledgement.

"Would you like me to snuggle you tonight?"

Dazai stares into space for a moment until he answers, "Yes please."

Chuuya then pulls the blanket up over the both of them, and then gently pulls Dazai into his arms; Dazai does not hug him back. Chuuya closes his eyes.

"Chuuya…? May I ask you a question?"

Chuuya doesn't open his eyes. "Of course. What is it, Osamu?"

Dazai takes a deep breath, the exhale reaching Chuuya's bare neck. The breath is cold. "Do you ever wish...you could change fate? Turn back time? Do you ever wish you...had the power to alter the past?"

Chuuya tries to not exhibit an emotional reaction to that question. "Sometimes. Why do you ask?"

Dazai closes his eyes, and at last embraces Chuuya. His breath hitches, as if he's trying not to cry. "Because…"

He kisses Chuuya's ear, the kiss weak and barely there, but Chuuya registers it.

"...I really wish I could, sometimes."

~

Chuuya wakes up to an empty second half of the bed.

He sits up, stretching his arms over his head, grunting at the satisfying pop his elbow makes. He stands up out of bed, stretching his legs, kicking his feet a few times before he feels stable to walk. He approaches the mirror, using his fingers to adjust his sleep-plagued hair to make it someone less messy before he gets ready for the day.

He exits the bedroom and finds Dazai in the kitchen. He's leaning against the counter, holding a mug in his hand. He has a smile on his lips for the first time in awhile. But something about the smile is off-putting to Chuuya. It's reminiscent of Dazai's smile back from his Mafia days, the smile he used as a mask to disguise his true feelings.

"Ahh, good morning, my lovely Chuuya! I made us some coffee to start the day. Here's your mug~"

Dazai holds out the mug in his hand. Chuuya takes it, somewhat surprised. He takes a sip, and feels the familiar burst of happy energy he usually does when he drinks good coffee.

Something's very off. Dazai made coffee, and it tastes exactly like Chuuya likes it. This isn't normal.

Chuuya puts his mug down and grabs Dazai's hands. "Talk to me, Osamu."

Dazai blinks at him, feigning ignorance. "What do you mean?"

Chuuya sighs. "You know what I mean. Last night. You were really sad, and you were hanging out at Oda's grave. I know that that's not an unusual occurrence, but...you were a lot sadder than normal. Please, talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you."

Dazai stares at the redhead for a bit, contemplating his options, until his mask falls off his face and he reveals the same sadness from last night underneath it.

He takes a seat at the table, motioning for Chuuya to sit across from him. Chuuya takes the seat, and holds both of Dazai's hands.

"I...had a dream two nights ago."

Chuuya tries to meet Dazai's eyes, but it is impossible, as Dazai has his head tilted down at the table.

"I...got the chance to change fate, change the past. I could create a world where Odasaku was alive, and...he could be happy and lead the life he deserved. But it would be at the cost of my own life."

Chuuya's face falls at this. "...and?" He knows the follow-up, but asks anyway.

"I took that chance. I did it."

Chuuya sucks in a deep breath. Something about this is painful to hear.

"Part of me felt somewhat sad I was actually for real throwing my life away, but...I died happy. Odasaku had so much potential for his life, and he never got to see it. I was happy to sacrifice myself to create a world where he could have that. But then...I woke up."

Chuuya's grip on Dazai's hands tighten with each sentence. It may be selfish, but he'd hate that reality. He didn't know much about Oda other than the fact that he was the lowest-ranked member of Port Mafia, and that he was Dazai's dear friend. The idea of living in a world where Dazai didn't exist felt...boring, depressing, pointless.

But maybe that's how Dazai feels about living in a world without Oda.

"...I see," Chuuya whispers, a catch in his throat. "May I ask you a few things, Osamu?"

Dazai nods, still not looking up.

Chuuya takes a deep breath. "Is life harder without him here?"

Dazai shrugs. Chuuya knows it's not dismissive. He knows that, perhaps Dazai actually doesn't know.

"Are you happy you followed through with what he asked of you?"

"...yes," Dazai answers. "I love saving people. I often think, every time I succeed in a mission, that maybe he's looking down at me, smiling, telling me he's proud of me."

A tear runs down Chuuya's cheek at that. He knows what it's like to lose someone important. To know someone so well, so deep, care about them immensely, and then watch them die right before you, and you can't stop it.

But Chuuya has a hunch that the way he felt about his friends who bit the dust is different from how Dazai felt about Oda.

Chuuya saw how happy Dazai was with him. It was some of the only times he ever saw Dazai with a genuine smile. He savored the way Dazai's eyes lit up every time he saw Oda, and he'd wish he could make Dazai that happy. He'd stand longingly outside of Bar Lupin for ages while Dazai was inside it with Oda and Ango, wishing that Dazai would smile like that for him.

Which causes him to wonder—

"Did you love him?"

Dazai freezes up at that question. He stews silently, trying to think of an answer, until he says, "I dunno, maybe."

Chuuya's heart thrashes in his ribcage at that.

"I didn't know what love was back then, so I can't say for sure, but...if I had to guess...yeah, I might've."

A tear runs down Chuuya's cheek. Now he feels even worse for Dazai.

Chuuya knows how much he means to Dazai. He'll never deny he has a special place in that man's heart—that's why they're together after all.

But Chuuya wonders, if Oda were alive now, would the present be different? No, he doesn't need to wonder about that. It would definitely be different. Chuuya wonders, if Oda were alive now, how different would the present be?

His breath hitches. He has to ask.

"This'll be my last question. I want you to answer this one honestly."

Dazai squeezes Chuuya's hand gently to indicate he is listening.

"If you got the chance...would you throw your life away now to save him? Would you drop everything and change this world so he would be alive?"

Would you throw our love away?

Dazai sits silently for his longest break now. Probably at least two minutes, until he answers.

"That...depends on the situation."

Chuuya's eyes widen slightly. That's a very different answer than he expected. "What do you mean?"

Dazai takes a deep breath. "I-if...if I were in hiding, waiting for my records to be cleared to start my life new, yes. If it were when I was twenty-two and working with the Agency, most likely. If it were now...I don't think so."

Chuuya blinks, trying to stop his tears from falling. He never thought that would be the answer Dazai gave to that question. "Would you," Chuuya sucks in a deep breath, "please tell me why?"

Dazai closes his eyes, then straightens his head, no longer directed at the table. "Well…"

He opens his eyes, finally meeting Chuuya's gaze. His eyes are cloudy and empty.

"When I first left the mafia, most of what consumed my thoughts was finding a way to fulfill Odasaku's wish. But...if I were given the chance to bring him back, even if it cost me my life, I would do that in a heartbeat."

Chuuya is the one to break eye contact, looking down at their joined hands rather than Dazai's eyes.

"If it were after I was in the Agency and I had brought Atsushi-kun there and helped Kyouka-chan get there, then...it would depend on how clear my mind was. If I were handed the opportunity to bring Odasaku back at the cost of myself, I most likely would do it. But...if I had the mental capability at that moment to remind myself that there are people out there who need me, people out there for me to save, people out there who might care about me, then...I might say no. I might miss out on that chance so I can keep living, keep trying to fulfill Odasaku's wish, see my protege and coworkers every day. But knowing me...I don't think that would be enough to convince me to stay."

Dazai squeezes Chuuya's hand.

"If it were now...I highly doubt that I'd take that opportunity. I...I do think I loved Odasaku. But I don't necessarily think I was in love with him. I loved him like family. Like someone who would stick with me through thick and thin, no matter what. Someone who always had my back. Someone who helped me, listened to me, believed in me. That's why I loved him. But I'm sure if someone asked me if I wanted to kiss him, I'd say no. Thinking about it now...I wouldn't. I don't think I was in love with him. But I loved him."

Chuuya squeezes Dazai's hand.

"But...you know who else I love? You, Chuuya. Odasaku was one of only two people I knew always had my back. I knew I could trust with my life. I knew cared about me. You were the other one. Yes, our relationship as partners was more...unconventional than my relationship with Odasaku...but I think it's because you and I are so different yet so similar, running at each other at all times so fast, no one can stop us...that made it so. And what I mean by love is different between you two. Odasaku was a dear friend, and nobody could ever replace him. But you, Chuuya...you understand me in a way nobody else, not even him, does. You've been the one constant in my life. You've been the one person who never left me. Even after I left you, you gave me a second chance. I think that, if it were within the year we first reunited and hadn't fully gotten to know one another again...I'd take the opportunity to save Odasaku. But now? Now that you and I have gotten past the headbutting and can actually look into each other's eyes and say 'I love you,' now that you and I live together, now that we've found happiness together? I don't think I would. I couldn't do that to you. I'd want to stay with you forever. I could never leave you. And...knowing Odasaku, I'm sure he wouldn't be hurt by me making that choice. I think...he'd be proud of me for growing rather than clinging to the past."

Chuuya looks back up at Dazai, eye contact regained.

"I miss him all the same. But since I have you, since I have love...I could never throw it away. Never. Instead...I'll just continue my routine visits to Odasaku's grave, and I'll continue seeing his wish through, and keep the memories he gave me, without him. And I'll stay here, with you. Always...and forever."

Chuuya's eyes well up.

"I love you."

Chuuya squeezes Dazai's hands, then grabs both of them, bringing them to cup his own cheeks. A small smile graces his lips.

He kisses Dazai's palm and sighs, breath wavering.

"Oh...he'd definitely be proud of you, Osamu. I'll bet he'd just be proud to see you now. You're still saving people. You're not even just doing it for his sake anymore, you're doing it because you want to. You're still alive. If he could see you now, he'd be so fucking proud of you, I swear. I know I'm proud of you."

A tear runs down Chuuya's cheek.

"I love you, too."

Dazai, too, starts to cry silently, but he smiles, too.

Yes, he's finalized it: he wouldn't trade this for anything.

"May I...make a request, Chuuya?"

Chuuya closes his eyes, stroking Dazai's hand with the back of his thumb. "Of course, Osamu. Anything."

Dazai smiles with his teeth. "Would you make me some cocoa please? God, I hate the taste of coffee!"

Chuuya chuckles softly, letting go of Dazai's hands, and he stands up, heading to the pantry to gather what he needs to make hot chocolate.

"Thank you, Chuuya~"

Chuuya wipes his eyes and smiles, but rolls his eyes.

"I love you~"

Chuuya's heart palpitates and he swallows. "I love you too, Osamu."

Chuuya didn't know much about Oda. But he definitely knows what he said is true. If that man could see Dazai now, he'd be so proud of him. Chuuya smiles a little at the thought. He remembers how Dazai's eyes would sparkle when Oda would say things like that.

Chuuya's happy that finally, he can make Dazai's eyes sparkle like that, too.