Chapter Fifty-Nine: Losing Hope

July 20th 1887

Southwest Wyoming Territory

Ox kicked at the dirt as he watched Colt working with Susette.

It had been two weeks since they'd left Silas and Charlotte's graves behind. Susette's health had improved steadily though for some reason her hand didn't work the way it had before. Colt said that was common with snake bites and it may or may not be permanent. In order to ensure Susette could still take care of herself, Colt was teaching the girl to use a knife and gun with her left hand.

Ox looked toward Katherine but just like she had for the last two weeks, she turned away from him and pretended he wasn't there.

Ox felt his heart break. He didn't understand it. He had thought that they were a family. He had thought that Katherine loved him and that they would raise Susette together but now the woman was pulling away and acting as if she and Ox had never shared anything at all.

"Ox!" Susette's voice called out excitedly. Ox pulled his mind from his depressing thoughts and focused his attention on the little girl he loved like his very own. Ox had never really given much thought to having children. He hadn't figured any woman would ever want to have a child with a man like him—now that Katherine seemed to have ended the relationship they'd been building, he realized he'd been right.

"What is it, Sue?" Ox asked as he crouched down and braced his arms on his knees.

"Watch what I can do!" Susette was glowing with pride as she quickly pulled her revolver and then holstered it several times in a row with her left hand, the movement was smooth and gained speed with each repetition.

"Well shit, Sue, that's real good." Ox beamed.

"Colt is a real good teacher!" Susette smiled.

"Don't matter how good the teacher is if the student doesn't have talent." Colt assured her with a wink, "And you, my dear, have talent."

"Hardly seems a thing to be so proud of," Rachel whispered as she walked by with an armful of wood. "Children her age shouldn't be so talented at violence."

"I'd rather her know how to use that than end up being killed by these monsters." Ox countered.

"We're all going to be killed by these monsters." Katherine spoke up from where she was pouring canned beans into a pot.

Ox glared at the woman. He wasn't sure what was wrong with her lately but Susette didn't need to hear such talk. "Sue, you wanna go to the lake with me?" Ox asked, pointing at the sparkling water thirty yards away.

"Yeah!" Susette exclaimed happily. "Colt, wore me out!"

"He's a regular slave driver." Evangeline agreed, sliding her arm around Colt's waist.

"Katherine, do you wanna come?" Susette asked and Katherine didn't even look up from the pot of beans.

Ox sighed. Not only had Katherine turned her back on Ox in the last couple of weeks but she had turned her back on Susette as well. As a matter of fact she seemed to have turned her back on all of them.

"Come on, Sue, ya gotta help ol' Ox swim. I ain't no good at it." Ox said as he stood straight and held out his hand. Susette laid her weak right hand inside it. She was unable to squeeze or grip well with the hand but at least she hadn't lost it and she could still move her arm; that was more than they'd feared she would be able to do.

"Ox—" Colt called out as Ox and Susette walked toward the lake,

"What is it?" Ox asked, glancing back at him.

"Just keep your eyes open."

"Don't worry, Colt. I'll keep him safe!" Susette promised as she began to skip alongside Ox and Ox had to jog to keep up.

***

Evangeline chewed on her lip as she looked from Ox's retreating back to Katherine standing beside the fire that Jedidiah was working to get started.

"Uh-oh," Colt teased as he poked her nose. "I've seen that look on your face before. What are thinking about so hard?"

"Something is wrong with Katherine. Something has been wrong with her since..... well since you know..."

Colt nodded. "Yeah I know."

Evangeline chewed her lip with renewed vigor. No one spoke much about what had happened to Charlotte and Silas. The wound was too raw; too fresh. "It's like Katherine has separated herself from everyone that cared about her. She's breaking my brother's heart and Susette's as well."

"It is odd." Colt agreed thoughtfully. "The last time I really talked to Katherine, which was before, she was talking about the three of them were a family."

"Ox and Susette still are. It's Katherine that seems to have taken herself out of that unit."

"And I'll bet you're going to go talk with her about it, aren't you?" Colt asked with a knowing smile. Evangeline nodded as she put her arms around his neck and rose on her toes.

"Of course I am."

"Don't hurt her."

Evangeline grinned and kissed him quickly. "I'll leave her breathing; that's all I can promise."

Colt sighed, "I guess that'll have to do."

Evangeline pulled away from him and walked over to the small cook fire that Jedidiah now had burning. She glanced around at the mesa's and plains surrounding them and marveled in the beauty. The world had gotten harsh and ugly in a lot of ways but the natural beauty was still around if you looked hard enough for it.

"Katherine, can we talk?" Evangeline asked as she came to stand beside the other woman.

"You're the one married to the boss so I guess you can do what you want." Katherine replied with venom in her voice that surprised Evangeline. What in the world had Evangeline done to her to deserve such animosity?

Evangeline glanced at Jedidiah and Rachel who were watching the pair with curiosity of their own. "I'd like to talk to her alone." Quickly the two of them rushed off toward the lake.

"What is it, Evangeline?" Katherine asked without looking up from the pot of beans she had suddenly taken a very serious interest in.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting my brother and Susette this way?"

"What way?" Katherine snapped. "I haven't done anything ."

Evangeline crossed her arms beneath her breasts and cocked her hip to the side. "You could at least be woman enough to stand up, look at me when you speak and tell the truth instead of hiding behind evasive lies."

Katherine rolled her eyes and stood, tossing her tangled blond hair over her shoulder. The last month of hard traveling west had taken an impact on all of them. They were losing weight, wasting away and exhausted. Evangeline knew that's why Colt had stopped a bit earlier today when they'd found this lake. She was hoping to talk him into at least spending two nights here—though she wasn't sure he would after what had happened the last time they'd camped somewhere for any length of time.

"Evangeline, what goes on between me and anyone else is no concern of yours."

"It is when you're hurting my brother."

"Your brother is a grown damn man; not some little boy who needs your protection."

Evangeline felt her fists clench and twist. She breathed in deep through her nose, reminding herself that she was supposed to be a lady and had plenty of dead people to fight with; she didn't need to be fighting Katherine.

"And Susette? You're hurting her as well. You were like a mother to her, Katherine, and now you've simply abandoned her."

"I don't have to explain myself to you, Evangeline." Katherine tried to walk around her but Evangeline wasn't about to let her get away that easily. There was clearly something wrong with the other woman and Evangeline wanted to know what it was. They were family and like it or not Evangeline cared about Katherine.

Evangeline grabbed Katherine's arm and stopped her. "Talk to me!" she exclaimed. "What is wrong?"

"We're all going to die! That's what's wrong!" Katherine screamed. Just like that the attention of the entire group, (save for Comanche who was gone hunting for fresh meat),was on the two women.

"Why would you say that?" Evangeline asked, calmly. "We're still alive, Katherine—"

"Not for long! You all are so blind to reality! You keep living your fake lives; trying to convince yourselves that at the end of this journey you're going to find peace and happiness—you're pathetic! You are going to die, Evangeline. Colt is going to die. Ox is going to die. Rachel, Jedidiah, Susette.... Everyone is going to die!"

"Katherine, don't say that," Evangeline warned when she saw Susette clinging to Ox's leg and listening to the outburst. She and Ox had walked back from the lake when they'd seen Evangeline and Katherine arguing.

"Why not? Does that mess with your little dream of your future with Colt? You have no future with Colt!"

"That's enough." Colt stated as he walked over. "Katherine, if you're upset about things that's just fine but I won't have you stirring up panic and trouble."

"That's fine, Colt," Katherine looked at the man as if he had slapped her. "I'm leaving anyway."

"Leaving?" Ox demanded. "Shit, Miss Kate, where you going?"

"Don't call me Kate. My name is Katherine." Katherine snapped. "And I'm leaving this group."

"Katherine, I think you need to just take a few minutes and cool off," Colt urged gently. "You're acting a little addled."

Katherine smacked his hand away when he tried to take her arm gently. "Don't tell me I'm crazy!" she screamed, causing Evangeline to take a step away. Everyone had a breaking point and clearly Katherine had reached hers. "Y'all are the crazy ones for thinking there's a future! There is no future! Silas and Charlotte were the ones with the most faith; so sure that there was something waiting for us out there and look at them! They're dead! Grace is dead! Lily is dead! Frankie is dead! Our families are dead! Our wives, husbands, children, parents, siblings; everyone is dead!"

"Katherine—" Colt began but she smacked his face.

"Don't Katherine me. You pretend like you're something special; like you're leading this pathetic group to some sort of salvation when really all you're leading it to is death! If the rabid don't get us all than sickness, starvation and exhaustion will. There is no hope."

Evangeline saw Colt's eyes narrow and his jaw tense. She didn't know what to say or do and when she tried to lay her hand supportively on his arm, he jerked away.

Colt took a step toward Katherine and stuck his finger in her face. "If you want to leave then you go right on ahead and see how long you last out there without this pathetic group as you call it. I ain't never promised nobody that I was leading them to salvation or better things. I'm just doin' the best I can to take y'all where Jedidiah and Susette tell me to."

Katherine snarled and took a step back. "Well I'm not playing this game anymore, Colt. I'm leaving."

Colt shrugged. "Fine. Get a sack full of food and get the hell out of here. I don't need nobody with me that's gonna be scaring the shit out of everybody and losing faith in what we're trying to do."

"And what exactly is it we're trying to do?" Katherine snapped with her fists clenched at her sides.

Colt spit in the dirt and wiped his hand across his sweat slicked face. He looked down his nose at Katherin. Evangeline could see the determination written in his eyes as he met the angry woman's gaze full force. "Survive."

***

"Miss Kate, you can't just leave..." Ox whispered as he cornered her beside the cart a short time later. Katherine finished stuffing some food, a canteen and blanket in the sack and turned to face him.

"Yes I can, Ox, and I am." She would not stay here and watch Ox and Susette die. It was better to cut her losses now. They wouldn't miss her for long, they'd be too busy surviving as Colt called it. Dying was more like it but Katherine had decided not to tell him that again. Colt had appeared ready to throttle her and she hadn't wanted to push the man any further.

"But, Miss Kate—" Ox had tears in his eyes. "—I love you."

"Love isn't real, Ox." Katherine sighed, feeling no emotion. She hadn't felt any true emotions in weeks. Something inside of her had broken and she simply wanted to be alone. "It wasn't real before the monsters and it certainly isn't real now. Love is just something that the poets and play writes invented so they could sell sonnets and theatre tickets."

"Miss Kate, how can you say that?" A tear slid down Ox's cheek.

Katherine turned away from him. "I told you my name is, Katherine, and it's better this way, Ox. You're just too simple minded to see it."

Katherine's words had been meant to hurt him; meant to make him back off and let her go. She glanced over her shoulder and saw that his face was pale and he looked as if someone had punched him in the gut. Satisfied that she would be left alone, Katherine headed off over the plains, ignoring Susette's pleas for her to come back and all the eyes that were staring holes through her back.

She walked for several hours and darkness began to fall. Katherine found a small outcropping of red rocks with just enough space for her to lie underneath. She ate a stale biscuit, wrapped the blanket tight around herself and lay down on her side in the tiny cave.

Katherine felt tears fill her eyes as loneliness settled in but she pushed it all away. There was no point feeling lonely or sad. This was the world now and she was better off alone. Thinking things could be any different had simply been fantasy; a dream that couldn't come true.