Nonhlanhla

I'm having trouble swallowing, my throat feels tight, like its closing and I can't breathe properly.

This is my first time in a police station and I can't help but feel nervous. I came in a while ago and the police woman I spoke to said to sit down and someone would come speak to me shortly...that was 30 minutes ago.

I'm feeling confused about these charges and anxious because I haven't seen or spoken to my husband since they took him away. My husband and I are law abiding citizen's, we pay our taxes, he is involved in community watch groups, I volunteer at our church's soup kitchens and Warren doesn't have so much as a driving ticket and yet here I am. Sitting on a police station bench, with police officers walking past me, some even dragging people in handcuffs, hoping and praying to see my husband.

The only reason I haven't completely lost my mind is the child sleeping in my arms. I hold on to him a little tighter, and kiss his forehead my precious Khanya, he really is the light of my life.

It's as if the weather chose to mirror my mood today because it had changed drastically from clear sunny sky's to thunder and lightning with dark clouds looming with no rain.

If someone had told me when I woke up this morning that I would be sitting at the police station, waiting to see my husband behind bars I would not have believed them...

On the 14th of April at 10:32 am the police came knocking on our door, I had been surprised having never been visited by the police before. They were looking for my husband and as soon as he had shown his face, they came in and arrested him.

I honestly froze. I watched speechless as they handcuffed him, told him what he was charged with and repeated his rights to him then led him to the back of the police van.

Rackettering, Money Laundering and Murder.

Rackettering, Money Laundering and Murder.

Those were the words I kept repeating to myself, like a mantra so I wouldn't forget as I stood frozen. I watched as the police got into the van and drove away with him, leaving me alone.

As the police van drifted further away from view, I snapped out of my daze and quickly went to the kitchen, grabbing my phone off the counter and I scrolled down to the only person I could think of right now, Hlelile, one of my few close friends and more importantly, my attorney.

"Nhlanhla?", "uboshiwe (he was arrested), the police just knocked on our door looking for him and they took him away"

"Slow down! Who did they take away?", " Warren!"

"Which police station did they take him to?", "I don't know"

" Did they have a warrant?", "I don't know"

"Why did they arrest him?", " It's ridiculous Hleli, like Warren would ever commit a crime like..", "I know but lets focus what are they charging him with?", "Rackettering, Money Laundering and ..and M-Murder." This is followed by silence on her end.

"But you can get him out right, this is Warren, you know him, he would never!" She doesn't respond to this instead she asks more questions, " Did they say anything else?", "No!, all I heard is what I told you and I'm scared because I don't know what's going on, just... i don't know... just help me! "

Panic had begun to set in and my feet were pacing trying to keep up with how fast my mind was racing. " They probably took him to the nearest police station so I'll call you once I've found him, don't worry I'll take care of this just...stay calm."

I nodded as if she could see me an then she cut the call. I walked into my son's room, grateful to see that the noise hadn't woken him up.

In that moment all I wanted to do was to crawl into his bed, fall asleep and wake up from the apparent nightmare that our lives had become. Instead I took a deep breathe in and then breathed out.

I took his overnight bag and started packing some clothes, diapers and bottles, after slinging the bag on my shoulder I carefully lifted him off the bed, making sure not to wake him up, I put him on my chest and then walked to our room.

I put him down on our bed and started looking for my hand bag. Phones, wallets, keys, power bank, charger, ID's, marriage certificate. I just took what I thought was important and stuffed it into my bag. Taking a throw blanket just in case and put it inside my bag.

I want to call Warren's mother but this might be a misunderstanding and if it is, it will be embarressing for him to explain. The fewer people know the better.

While I was changing my shoes, my phone started vibrating, I rushed to get it so it wouldn't wake Khanya up. " Hello?" I answered without looking at the screen.

" Mrs Adams?" "Speaking", "this is Detective Khawula of the SAPS". "Ok, how can I help you?" I felt like my heart was ready to beat out of my chest, I feel like I can't take any more bad news right now, I had to force my voice to come out firm and not stutter.

"We need you to come down to this police station to answer a few quetions we have for you regarding your husband", " yes, of course when do you need me to be there", "if you could come in right now that would be great!"

"Will this take a long time, I have a one year old and no one to look after him, so I have to bring him with me", "Oh, no it shouldn't take long but I suggest you call someone to come with you ,so you don't get distracted while were talking."

"Ok, it just such short notice but I'll see what I can do, I can't come there right now but maybe in an hour's time?", I hear him huff but I know better than to cave, " no problem see you then."

As soon as he clicked off, I speed dial Hleli and tell her about the detective's call , she tells me that she'll meet me there on an hour. Before she can put the phone off I ask her to send me the location for the police station but before I could finish she closed the phone.

I wasn't even sure she had heard me, but that was laters problem, I had made my way to the kitchen to make sandwiches and bottled milk for Khanya because I refuse to breastfeed him in front of strangers.

While making food I can't help but worry about my husband in a jail cell with dangerous criminals, my husby! I hope he's holding up in there. I want to curl myself into a ball and cry but I have to be strong for him and for our son.

If anyone can bring him home it's Hleli, I know she can and after making the food and packing it in another bag then place them in the car.

I walk back into our room and see my baby is still asleep, Thank God! I quickly take the other bags and put them into the car as well. Finally I come back inside for him and put his sleeping form in the car seat and strap him in.

As I finish locking up the house, I feel my phone vibrate and when I look at the screen its directions to the station from Hleli. She says she's delayed at work but will meet me there as soon as she can.

I open the garage door with the remote as I enter the car and start it. I set up my phone on the dash board and once the door is fully open I reverse out and close the garage door. I drive away before the garage door is fully closed not wanting to keep the detective waiting.

So now I'm here, grateful my baby is still asleep but I know this means he'll wake up soon, full of energy and looking for his father. I hope we can clear up this whole situation by the time he wake up. Hleli texts saying she just left the office and that I shouldn't talk to anyone without her present. I don't respond but I'll follow her lead.

I feel a tap on my shoulder, "Mrs Adams?", I look up and see short bald man dressed in a grey suit which I found odd. "Yes?", "I'm detective Khawula please follow me", " Ok, my lawyer is on her way and she said I shouldn't talk to anyone until she gets here."

I see his eyes harden then and then hear him breathes out. "No problem Mam, just follow me to the office and she can meet us inside."

I decide not to argue with the detective and instead I lower my free hand to grab my bag and hand it to him, " do you mind?", he take the bag and proceeds to turn around walking towards the office. I gather my son in both my hands and get up from the bench, I try to walk as fast as I can while holding a child and trying not to bump into any busy police officers.

By the time I catch up with the detective he is waiting outside the door and motioning for me to come through. As I walk in I see a metal table with four chairs, facing each other. This doesn't look like an office, feels more like an interrogation room but I walk towards a chair to sit. He pulls the chair out for me and I thank him but before I'm fully seated I realise that by in the corner of the room is a white board with what looks like an orgonogram of pictures.

As I try to make myself and my sleeping child comfortable on the chair, I hear my son begin to whine and I rub his back in circles. Humming unconsiously as I stare right at my husband's picture on the white board, his picture is stuck on the third row in the middle. Obviously they seem to think he is part of an organisation, probably organised crime or that he is involved in something like that. I huff, clearly they've never met my husband!

My instinct is to defend him, my Warren wouldn't hurt a fly. It's just not in his nature, but I know they want me to talk and say something, anything to help their case, so I keep my mouth shut.

"Well, what do you think?", The detective is now sitting across from me and I hadn't noticed him sit down, he's looking at me like he is studying my facial expressions.

"About what?", I know he's talking about the board but I don't want to assume anything. I try to relax my face as much as possible, I feel my eyes widen as I sit up straight and look him in the eyes. I won't let him intimidate me.

"About why we called you here, do you know why you husband has been arrested?", I nod my head in response. I refuse to talk with him more than I have to, " your husband is Warren Thamsanqa Adams correct", "Yes".

"You reside at 28 Paul Fisher Avenue, correct?", "Correct"

"What is your occupation Mrs Adams?", "I am an App Developer at CubeWorld Inc." "Impressive, I've never met a woman in the IT field", I want to roll my eyes "Mhmn" I'm too nervous to make polite conversation with this man, I just want to see my husband.

"What is your husband's occupation, if you don't mind me asking?", of course I mind!

"He's an accountant for Omega Trust Bank", " Nice, that means he makes the big bucks right?", he says it with a huge smile on his face and I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or insulting, either way I shrug.

"When can I see him?"

"Well your husband is being charged with one count racketeering, one count money laundering, fraud and the big one,- one count Murder".

At the last one my breathe hitches, I had hoped that I had misheard the officer at home but it seems my hearing works just fine. I look from the detective to the picture of my husband on the board.

Warren isn't a killer, the disbelief on my face must be clear as day because the detective continues, "that's just what we can charge him with now, the other people on that board are known gang members. They are suspected of crimes ranging from aggravated assault to murder, kidnapping, extortion, arson and racketeering. We believe your husband has been acting as a bag man for this gang and as their accountant, also helping cleaning their dirty money. The people underneath his picture are those we believe answer directly to him."

I want to scream at him that my husband didn't do any of this, that they have the wrong person, but I keep quiet and he continues.

"The other people on the board haven't been arrested yet so he's the only person in their organisation in custody. This could be a very good thing for you and your husband since he's the only one who can implicate the rest. If he turns on them now he can get immunity but if he doesn't..." he whistles " Warren is looking at 25 years to life in -",

He doesn't get to finish his sentance as Hleli barges in looking like a very angry bull. She gives him the glare of a life time then asks him to excuse us for a moment, but the damage has already been done. As soon as he closes the door the tears start falling and my chest is heaving. I can barely hear Hleli over the sound of my heart beating in ears.

I feel her arms wrap around my Khanya as she tries to take him but I can't let him go. She stops settling on wrapping her arms around the both of us. I'm still not making a sound, "I'm here now, don't worry I'm right here. "

25 years to life! Warren what have you done!

Hleli handed me some tissues and Khanya started waking up, I cleaned my face and blew my nose. I took my son waking up as sign that my mini meltdown had to wait. Hleli handed me some water to drink while she asked if she could take him from me, this time I let her take him.

I took the bottle of water and drank, I felt parched. She asked me if I was ready to continue an I nodded and she left holding my son in her arms. He was barely awake, I could tell he wasn't too comfortable with his surroundings, he clutched onto Hleli's collar and his head never rose from her chest.

With them outside I really took a moment to analyze the pictures on the white board. I'm almost scared to say I recognised some of the men's faces, in passing. I had seen some of them at least once or twice at Warren's office, granted I didn't go to his office often enough to know if they frequented his office.

They didn't look like gangsters or mobsters, not that I have any realistic knowledge of what one should look like. Before I could delve deeper into my own thoughts, Hleli came back with the detective. This time my son seemed more awake and as soon as he saw me he lunged for me, whining as if he could fly into my arms. I gladly took him though, I hate to admit I started feeling a bit naked without him in my arms.

I'm pathetic, using my one year old as a human shield.

"Ok so I've brought your Attorney up to speed on what we've already discussed, so my questions to you are as follows, you don't mind if we record this right?" he places a recording device in the middle of the table and presses record.

I look at Hleli blinking not sure how to respond and she speaks up, " I would like to place on the record that my client is here voluntarily, she is only here because she has nothing to hide furthermore, nothing said by her in this room before or in the presence of her Attorney will be used against her or her husband in a court of law."

I nod and he proceeds, "Mrs Adams, do you know the names of any of the men on the board, excluding your husband of course?"

"No", "Do you recognise any of them from your husband's office or office parties?" Once again I turn to Hleli, I lean towards her and she whispers, " be as vague as possible, while seeming helpful", I nod at her.

"I'm not sure, I think I may have seen one or two of them at an office party but I'm can't be sure", "can you point out which men you remember seeing".

Now I don't know much about gangs and mobs but I know that even pointing out a face could be considered snitching and could possibly put my family in danger. So I shake my head, the detective doesn't look convinced.

"Are you sure, you know withholding evidence from police in an active investingation is -", "yes, yes we know and as such I believe my client has indicated to you that she can't remember or recall very well seeing the men in your photographs, so if you don't have any further questions..."

The detective does not look pleased, I am so grateful Hleli got here in time because I am not in the right headspace to deal with police and their threats right now.

" Just a few more questions, so where were you on the night of the 20th February this year?", "probably at home with my husband and son", "and you husband was with you all night?", "yes! I fell asleep in his arms as I do every night and woke up in his arms the next morning."

I didn't hesitate, if my husband was one thing, he was consistent. He was always there, every night and every morning, I never had to wait up for him or wonder what time he left the bed because he was always beside me.

"Are you sure?" He said it with a smirk that made me falter, like he knew something I didn't, but I know the man I love, " yes I'm sure." I responded with an annoyed tone not seeing the point of these questions, Hleili seemingly reading my mind asked, " Is there a point to this detective?"

He sits smuggly, lifts a laptop that was seemingly on the "empty" chair next to him, as he opens a laptop. He clicks a few times and then looks up at me, "are you sure you were with your husband the night of the 20th February this year?", I hesitate, I don't get why he keeps repeating the same question and as I'm about to tell him I've already answered he presses a button and I hear my husband's voice play on the laptop.

"Where's the money?", " You were told to have the payment ready by 11pm tonight or else. I'm not a bad guy I'm just trying to collect and move on... It's Warren's voice, I know it in my bones and at the worst time my beautiful son, who's been quietly sucking his thumb this entire time decides to scream "BABA! BABA". He starts squirming in my arms, looking left and right for the man.

I flinch as I hear the detective click the laptop again, I know I can't deny it, the detctive is smiling like the cat that ate the canary and Hleili immediately stands up, "Nenzani, nifisa ukuzuzani la? ( what are you doing? What are you hoping to accomplish with this?)

"This is a tape taken the night of the 20th of February this year, in it your husband is attempting to "collect" money from a local businessman for the gang and the man refuses to pay. They get into a heated arguement that seems to escalate into a physical confrontation that ends with your husband killing the man."

He pauses as if for effect, letting the words he just said to me sink in. I feel my chest tighten and my eyes begin to burn.

"Fortunately for us the the man in the tape came to us as soon as his shop was broken into and the gang paid him a visit so he had a recording device in his desk. The tape caught everything." His eyes don't stop staring into mine, as if relaying that every word he spoke was true.

My son wiggles in my arms, as the detective shatters my world and my life with a few long sentences. I turn to look at Hleili, I plead with my eyes for her to take me away because I will not be able to hold my tears back any longer. " We're done here!" She takes Khanya from my arms and I rush to grab our bags from the floor and follow her out.

" You know the truth now, don't deny it, if you do ... it makes you as guilty as him!" He shouts after us as we hurriedly try to find the exit. But I heard every word.

Once we get to my car, she puts my son in his car seat and takes the bags from me. I get into the driver's seat and silently let the tears flow.

As if feeling my sorrow my son starts to fuss as if he's going to cry. I can feel how torn Hleli is she wants to comfort me but doesn't want to leave my baby crying. " Ttthereeee's fffood....in the bag for him" I sniff, trying to make the decision for her. I hear the door close and her open the other backseat door as she climbs into the car. She opens the bag as he starts crying, she shushes him, I hear her open the lunch box and he quiets down as she begins to feed him.

All I feel is helpless, like I'm suspended in a void of endless confusion. My husband, my best friend, the love of my life ... is a killer. I heave silently, the tears just flowing like an endless river, from an endless pit of pain, betrayal and anguish. How could he do this to us, how long has he been lying, what else has he been hiding.

My mind is still spiraling when I feel a hand on my back, gently trying to soothe my weeping self. She stuffs some tissues into my lap and I'm grateful because tears aren't the only things running down my face.

The only sounds that can be heard are the distant sounds of thunder, my son drinking from his bottle and me blowing my noise after wiping my face. She hands me a baby wipe for good measure which I take and use with a soft chuckle.

She gets out of the back seat and into the passanger seat and wraps me in the tightest and warmest hug. I feel her love and empathy for me, no judgement and shame, just love... what did I ever do to deserve this woman. After a final squeeze she lets me go and takes my hands, "we'll get through this" with that she nods and I nod back.

"Do you need me to drive you home?" I hestitate and then shake my head. I can do this. "Thank you for everything", I say my voice coming out softly, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. She nods and looks at Khanya, her godson and smiles, she quickly takes his bottle away and replaces it with his pacifier.

She jumps out of the car, "I'll be following you home, just in case" and she shuts the door before I can protest and I can't help but smile. I start the car, beginning the slow ride back home. My brain feels like mush and I'm basically driving on autopilot, but we make it home in one peace, and I park in the drive way.

I hoot at Hleli letting her know she's free to go and she hoots back, as I wait for the garage door to open. I enter into our home of 3 years feeling sure of way less than I felt when I left that afternoon but being sure of one fact... I have no idea who I am married to.