Present day

I'm back at the police station, sitting inside an interrogation room, again and my mind is racing. I can't believe this, I just ... I cannot believe this.

Time finally seems to be slowing down, but it's too late. The damage has been done. I've been holding it together for my son, telling myself that after today my husband will come home and everything will go back to normal... or at least what I thought was normal...but now

I lean into the table with my hand over my eyes. My head is throbbing and my forehead feels hot. I blink back the tears that threaten to come out of my eyes...this isn't how my life is supposed to go, this isn't fair... I take a deep breathe in an out.

What am I going to do now?

Khanya has slept in tears every night this weekend and I don't know how to console him. I honestly thought that today would be the last night my baby would have to cry himself to sleep...

I put a hand over my mouth, as if it could stop the sound of me choking on my tears from escaping.

My poor baby, he doesn't know any better and it's not his fault. He has never gone to sleep without his father holding him, and now he is inconsolable before bed and even whimpers in his sleep.

I breath out loud in an effort to calm myself, but I cannot stop my head from shaking in disbelief - how? why?

What now?

I know I shouldn't take his incessant crying personally, but it's starting to make me feel like a bad mother. Like, what kind of mother doesn't know how to put her baby to sleep at night and I'm pretty sure the neighbours think I'm a bad mom with how loudly he cries into the late hours of the night but I have tried everything I can think of, nothing works.

Its as if my baby knows what time his father is supposed to come home and he doesn't understand why his Baba isn't with him. I don't know what Warren does with him every night because it's their bonding time, it's our routine...was our routine.

I wipe a stray tear that finds its way down my face, I have to hold it together, I can't fall apart before I see him...the more I try to think, the more memories come rushing back ...

Every night I would wash the dishes from our evening meal and clean up the kitchen, while Warren bathes Khanya and puts him to bed.

Every night I'd hear my baby giggling followed by splashes of water on the bathroom floor, which I would no doubt have to wipe afterwards, but I didn't mind... My baby was happy.

Now, I feel like I don't even know my own son, it's a struggle to bathe him and put him to sleep. All he screams for is his father and now, his father isn't coming home..

One hour ago..

I should have known something was wrong as soon as I saw Hleli enter the Court room without her gown on. As soon as she sat down,  I asked her about it and she just shrugged and said Warren got new legal representation. How could he even talk to someone and get another Attorney, I couldn't talk to him all weekend, I've been sick with worry.

I look around the Court room and notice that it is packed with people, all the benches are filled and the only way to tell the difference between the Attorneys and regular people is that the Attorneys are wearing their black gowns. It's useless to try and figure out who his new Attorney might be.

I'd been there since 9am and the court has been hearing bail applications for a seemingly endless list of people. Their crimes ranging from theft and fraud to assault and robbery. By around 11:45, I was still inside and they had yet to call for Warren's matter and I felt grateful that I decided to take Khanya to daycare for the day, it started to feel like I might be there for the entire day.

"Case number 4085/ 2023 State v Warren Thamsanqa Adams, the charges are money laundering, racketeering and murder" the policewoman shouts. I hear people start to chant " no bail for killers!, No bail for killers" throughout the court room and it dawn's on me that they are here because of him. They are standing on their feet chanting so loudly you can nearly hear the Magistrate bang his gavel, "Order, I will have order in my Courtroom or you will be removed from these proceedings" but you can nearly hear him over their passionate chants.

I want to stand up and tell them my husband isn't a killer, I want to defend his innocence and before I can stand up to do just that, I feel Hleli's hand tightly grip my arm, keeping me firmly in my seat.

I look at her in disbelief, doesn't she hear them, how can she just let them call him a killer. She doesn't say anything except shake her head, and eventually the chants settle down to murmurs before they are instructed to quiet down by a policeman.

Another police officer opens the metal door inside the courtroom and goes inside the holding cells, when she comes out, they have my husband in hand cuffs with a chain around his legs.

My heart breaks as hear the sound of the chains as he walk out of the holding cells slowly to the box.

Seeing him for the first time since they took him away, like this, I wanted to cry. He looks exhausted, he has dark circles around his eyes, like he hasn't been sleeping and his hair is an unkempt tangled mess, I almost don't recognise him because my husband is always neat, neater than I am and calm, collected and right now he looks ... unhinged. This time I grab hold of Hleli's arm but don't take my eyes off him.

I see him lift his head as he looks to the back of the Courtroom and his eyes almost  soften for a split second before his facial expression becomes unreadable.

He must be so scared, I'm sure he heard all of their chants and doesn't want to show any weakness, but I saw his fear in his eyes. I know that I want to run to him and hold him, comfort him. I want to tell him our son misses him and that I miss him but the moment passes too quickly.

He is quickly ushered into the box and the Magistrate starts talking.

"Is the Defendant's Attorney present?" I look to Hleli seated next to me on the bench, she looks like she's ready to jump in at a moment's notice. The Magistrate looks at Warren and asks " Do you have..."

"Yes your Worship, Advocate Karen Coetzee on behalf of the Defendant, my apologies your Worship, I got caught up in the line to the ladies" I hear her before I can see her.

She's a coloured lady in a dark grey power suit with black court heels and she's rolling a big black bag behind her. Her blonde hair is in thick, long curls coming to the collar of her blazer, the type I only see in pictures and her make up gives her a perfectly natural look.

She walks passed us without sparing us a glance, and  straight towards the tables in front of the Magistrate. The Magistrate, an old man who clearly sees through her lie but for some reason let's her slide, nods and continues with the proceedings.

"On the charges of Racketeering, Money Laundering and Murder how does the Defendant plead?"

"Actually your worship, the State and the Defendant have entered into a .....Plea,- a Plea agreement for which the Defendant pleads to culpable homicide and agrees to a sentence of 10 years."  Loud yells of "NO!" could be heard throughout the Court room, once more the Magistrate bangs his gavel and shouts "order", and crowd quiets down.

I am frozen, I don't know what is going on, I had no idea Warren's case was this high profile. As I look around the Court, I notice that the prosecutor who just spoke, for first time since Warren  was brought out look... conflicted. He was a young black guy, who's been calm and collected throughout the entire morning but now looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here.

"Is this correct?" The Magistrate turns to the Defence table, waiting for her response.

"It is true your Worship, the Defendant has agreed to these terms"

The Magistrate turns and looks directly at the prosecutor, " That is a significant reduction of charges, can you explain your reasoning for abandoning these charges? "

I see the young man start to look nervous, " As the Court pleases, your Worship.... the State believes that it would not be in the interest of justice to pursue..."

"Justice! What Justice! This thug came into our shop and MURDERED MY HUSBAND!" , hear yells of yes and cannot make out the rest of the woman's rant as her voice is overpowered by that of the crowd, shouting " Justice for ....!"

I look up to see this elderly woman, she must be in her late 50s or early 60s. She is being held by a boy and a girl, as she is visibly distraught by the news of a Plea agreement.

So am I, but for very different reasons.

And this time no matter how many times the Magistrate bangs his gavel and shouts for order in the courtroom, the crowd does not stop.

Next thing I know we and everyone who isn't an Attorney are being escorted out of the Courtroom by police officers. The crowd remains undeterred, they resort to shouting outside of the Courtroom.

Hleli leaves with me and ushers us to sit on a bench outside another courtroom, far enough from the crowd but close enough to see when the Advocate comes out.

I can feel her hands griping mine but my mind feels like it's taking too long to process what I just heard...plea agreement.

10 years in prison...

I thought I was going home iwth my husband today...

Before I can finish rationalizing what just happened, I feel Hleli gently shake my shoulder, when  I turn my head to look at her she motions for me to look the other way. I look and see the Advocate coming our way, walking through the crowd without flinching as they shout at her.

She looks at straight at me, with her chin up strutting as though she were a runway model. She walks as though coming towards us but when she gets close she doesn't stop, she drops a piece of paper on the floor and without a second glance or a misstep she struts right passed.

Hleli picks up the paper and opens it, then she gives it to me. POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM 5, 14:00 DON'T BE LATE! is all that's written on the paper.

Present

And that is how I ended up here. As soon as I walked on I walked around until I found it, right at the end of the hallway. It was open so I let myself in. I'm not sure why I'm here but I told Hleli that if I wasn't out in an hour to come look for me.

I've been waiting for 10 mins, I get up about to leave when the door opens and Warren is shoved into the room. The police office pushes him to the chair and once he's seated, chains his cuffs to the table. Once he's secured Warren he speaks, "you have 30 mins".

Then he walks out and locks the door, leaving me trapped inside.

I step away from the table until I feel my back hit the wall. Warren hasn't looked up since he walked in, he hasn't said a word and my throat decided this would be the perfect time to close up.

He slowly lifts his head and I gasp when I see a black eye forming and there's dried blood on his lip. "It looks worse than it feels", I cock my head to the side, wondering what is going on in his head. We've got 30 mins before he goes to jail for the next decade and he wants to make light of getting into a fight?

I take a deep breathe in and out, "So what was the final verdict?", I choose to get right to it, rip the plaster off, he clearly wants to beat around the bush but we really don't have the time for it. I look him dead in his eyes, I don't want to forget this moment, the look in his eyes right now.

"15 years" I have to brace myself on the wall " with the possibility of parol, the Magistrate thought 10 years was to lenient due to the nature of the crime..." He rambles on but I don't hear any of it.

15 years

15 years

I feel so stupid, of course I fell in love with a criminal and will spend the next 15 years as a single parent, I slide down the wall and sit in the floor. I feel my migraine coming back...

"... Karen said it's a better deal than before because with good behaviour I could be out in 7.5 years.."

In that moment, i don't know what comes over but I get up so fast and slap him so hard my hand stings.