o + b residence - 7am

i knew something would happen. it was just a feeling and it didn't leave me alone at all. so when the argument broke out, i didn't know what to do. i didn't know who to agree with. or what to say.

i'm put in such a bad position....i don't know.

"how was i supposed to know that would-"

"onika...." bey sighed heavily and rubbed her forehead. i've been trying to apologize on behalf of my mom since i know my mom is not gonna apologize herself. she's just not that type of woman. "she got mad at me over something that had nothing to do with her. all those rules are not for me. so for her to come at me like that..."

"i just said sorry i- beyoncé there's nothing else i can do."

"me neither onika."

"bey...."

"onika your mother got into a fight with mine... you think that's not gonna have some type of impact on our relationship? we're both close with our moms. then it all started because she said something to me....."

"why does it have to bother our relationship though?"

"onika im not too fond of your mom right now either, it's not just my mother." she chuckled putting her hair into a ponytail. i stopped myself from whining, feeling tears come to my eyes. "first off....why did we even have to start talking about past relationships?"

"because blue brought it up." i wiped under my eyes.

long story short, blue started talking about someone bey dated before because beyoncé called blues girlfriend ugly....then, blue proceeded to bring up the fact that bey used to have sex with him. but the way she said it, you would only understand if you were really listening.

ms tina didn't even catch it. but somehow my mom did. so carol being carol, she scrunched her face and spoke of sex before marriage. my dad tried to stop her but she would speak over him every time.

of course someone's mother wouldn't sit and let someone speak on their child, so tina retaliated. it turned into an argument, my mom called names....it was almost a physical fight.

i didn't know what to say. i didn't know what to do. they looked for me to speak up. i've never spoke up to mom like that...what was i to say?

"onika can we not do this?"

"why not?"

"because i don't want to." she looked at me with this look....i nodded, accepting the fact that there's nothing i say that'll change her mind.

"ok...that's fair." i left out and went to my room. it felt like i wanted to scream. just let all of my emotions out and cry. this is not fair! what did i do?!?

i grabbed my phone and backpack before putting my shoes on. i'm supposed to be heading to work. could barely sleep last night because i had to sleep alone...she didn't even come in my room.

it wasn't until this morning that i realized she was actually mad at me. i'm trying to fix it...

as i was leaving out, she was going inside the kitchen. i had to stop myself from saying anything to her and just went out the door.

should've trust my gut and said no to pictures.

"ma please, i'm not in the mood." i sighed after clocking in. my nerves are all over the place, i really wanna be at home. it took so much to get ready to leave knowing i have someone i love mad at me right now.

and honestly, my mom is the last person i wanna talk to.

"i just don't think it would make sense. i'm sure you guys are at that level and if you didn't know of her sexual-"

"i knew."

"you know she's not a virgin?" my moms eyes widened like it was such a surprising thing to hear. i sighed holding my tongue.

"yea. yea, i know."

"and you're okay with that?"

"yes, i'm fine with that. no reason not to be fine momma."

my heart was beating so fast, i needed to get away and out of her face asap. i can't believe she's sticking her nose in someone else's business. when it's her children i understand but outsiders? that's too far.

"the things you said momma....you didn't have to do that."

"i was just speaking the truth baby. it didn't have to-"

"no momma....no. you didn't have to say those things. you didn't have to be in our conversation. i hate that you don't realize that you're wrong in this."

"i'm wrong? how is it that i'm wrong onika?"

"momma...." i took a deep breath before leaving her office. it's best i remove myself because i don't wanna disrespect my mother at all.

just work....work and go home.

i clocked out and went home. momma kept trying to talk to me but i had nothing to say. it hurt to ignore her but i had to.

as soon as i got in the car i cried my eyes out but i'm fine now. just sitting in my room watching tv. there's nothing else to do because beys not even here. or at least i don't think she is. i'm guessing not with how quiet it is.

i took a deep breath feeling myself get hungry. i'm not even in the mood to get out of bed. this is stressful and i need someone to be with me.

mya wanted to leave with me after the whole argument but m i had a feeling something would happen between bey and i. so i had her go home. now i wish i would've brung her back with us.

laying there i realized that summer was still home. so i called her to see if she would bring mya to me. i miss my sweet girl being around. she can brighten up my spirits anytime of day.

"hello?"

"summer."

"yes? what's wrong?"

"can you bring mya to me please?"

"right now?"

"yes please."

"alright. i'll be there. you okay? what's going on? i know it's something, i can hear it in your voice."

"she's upset and there's nothing i can do about it." i started to cry, wiping my nose. i've been telling myself that it's not that serious or it's not my fault but...in the end i'm pointed as wrong.

"onika it's nobodies fault but mommas...and if you think, it's not really hers either. the way momma acts is the way she was raised. it's like a cycle."

"i could've stopped it, spoke up and made her shut up. but summer i've never had to do anything like that before, i was confused. i've always listened to momma and what she said went...how was i to make her stop?"

"i mean...yea you could've made her stop but at the same time you couldn't. momma is a grown woman, she should know when to not say offensive things."

i nodded. that's true. but in her eyes it's not offensive, that's the biggest problem.

"i don't think beyoncé should be upset with you but....i don't know."

"i don't think she's upset but i think she's not in the mood. the situation is what she's upset about which is reflecting the way she feels about me right now...so i feel like she's upset with me."

summer sighed and i heard her telling mya to put her shoes on. i had to keep wiping my nose to keep myself from snotting.

"just stop crying about it okay? it'll get better with time but right now i say give her a little space. if she's still upset and treating you as if you're the one that said it, let her go. because at the end of the day, you're not the one that did it. everyone there knows how momma is."

"i don't wanna let her gooo." i cried harder at the thought of it. my heart is hurting so bad right now. i'll go in her room on my hands and knees if i have to.

"onika, you're being dramatic."

"ok. i'm sorry." i wiped my face. it made me feel like a little kid the way my cries were getting hard to hold.

"stop before mya gets there."

"she can't see me cry over this."

"right. so wipe your face and put your big girl panties on."

"my big girl panties are only for baba to see." i got out of bed so i could wash my face. "bey and i got matching big girl panties and their seamless." really comfortable too.

"nic." summer chuckled. i'm serious.

"what?"

"i meant just toughen up for the time being. we're on the way."

"oh...ok. see you soon. stop and get her some food because i haven't cooked and i don't want her to be hungry too."

"are you hungry?"

"a little bit." a lot a bit.

"ok. see you." she hung up and i looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. i just look like i've been crying my eyes out. quickly, i washed my face and put some clothes on.

by time i was finished, there were knocks at the door. i heard it open so i stopped in my tracks to going out my room. beys here... did she hear me crying?

my heart felt like it would explode from my chest as i stood in the middle of my room. covering my mouth and breathing heavily.

"is onika in there?"

"yea she is." i heard bey and my room door opened after. summer stood with bags of food before coming inside with mya.

"hi." i pretended like i wasn't a nervous mess. mya ran to my waist and hugged me tightly.

"hi nika. are you okay? your nose is red."

"i'm fine sweets. here, let's eat." i sat on the bed with her doing the same. summer was already comfortable but i didn't say anything. i'm not really in the mood to play.

"did you sleep by yourself?" mya looked confused. i guess because bey isn't in here while my room looks slept in.

"um...yea. i slept by myself."

"that's not right." she frowned her face. i shrugged pulling the food out so we could eat. i'm so hungry, i got straight to it. "nika what'd you get for christmas?"

"i didn't ask for anything so nothing really."

"you didn't get my gift!?"

"aw, you got me a gift?" i smiled wide. that's so sweet, i didn't expect anything from anyone. actually i got bey some stuff, but i haven't given them to her yet.

we were supposed to open presents at my moms house after pictures but...yea that's that. i don't know when i'll give them to her.

"yes. you and yoncé have gifts from me. and you have presents at mommas house. there's still gifts under the tree."

"really?" i looked confused before looking at summer. she nodded.

"everyone left after pictures so literally every gift is still there except for myas. momma let her open everything when we got back."

"oh...." i focused back to my food. the way things are looking we won't be opening those gifts until next year.

"you have to come open them."

"i'll try."

"but....is yoncé mad at momma?" she whispered close to me. i only chuckled small before shaking my head. "then why'd ms tina yell at her and they argued?"

"it's grown up stuff, we're not supposed to know."

"i'm not a baby, i know they said mean things and now they're upset. and that's why you slept by yourself."

ok then.

"well shit." summer laughed out loud. that's not funny, i didn't want her to know. i mean she was there but....whatever. "that girl smart."

"i'm just not a baby." mya shrugged. "promise that everyone will stop being upset?"

"i don't know."

"they have to."

"eventually."

"promise?"

"promise."