Author's Note

And here we are, the last chapter of Mujhe Pyaar Hua Tha! I feel like this has been the quickest I have finished writing a novel. I really enjoyed developing Fawad's character and the slow burn between him and Alizey. There was something very ordinary about their everyday lives that brought them closer, so perhaps it's rightfully said that happiness lies in the small things.

I thank each and every one of you for your support and time! I hope to see you all reading my next book very, very soon 😉

Lots of love and stay well,

ChalWahanJaateHain 💫❣️

👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻

🎶"Ajj te hoyi si shuruaat, soniye. Badal gaye kyun jazbaat, soniye? Bura mere dil wala haal kita e. Jo tere naal hoyi, mere naal kita e. Kise gal te je tainu koi shaq si, puchh leti mere kolon tainu haq si. Ikk baari mera na khayaal kita e. Jo tere naal hoyi mere naal kita e.

It had just started, my beloved. Why did your feelings change, my beloved? You put my heart in a bad state. What happened to you, you did to me. If you had any doubts about anything, you had the right to ask me. You didn't think of me once. What happened to you, you did to me."🎶

- Uchiyaan Dewaraan | Bilal Saeed

Alizey's P.O.V.

I moved back, adjusting my pants. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

Fawad was breathing heavily, his eyebrows furrowed with deep, utter confusion.

"I'm sorry," I shook my head, tears racing down my cheeks as my lips trembled, "I'm sorry."

"Alizey-"

I began sobbing silently.

I NEVER imagined things to go this way, but my mind felt like it was on the verge of exploding.

"I'm sor-"

He studied my eyes after kneeling in front of me, perplexed, "What happened?"

"Main Sana nahin ban sakti," I whimpered.
(I can't be Sana)

Fawad paused, staring at me.

"I can't meet those standards. I saw her picture—I-I'm not as beautiful as her, I'm not as skinny, I'm not as talented, I'm not as smart, I don't make you as happy as she did," I blubbered vulnerably before whispering, "and I don't think I can."

The picture of a madly in love Fawad on his knees in front of Sana so she can put a garland on him flashed before my eyes. It was burned into my mind. Only she had that effect on him, to make him that happy and love drunk. I could never come close.

"At the New Year's party, there were a few guests saying we don't match, and-and I think they're right. Sana brought out the best in you," I sniffled, "while I'm just a loser. I don't know why you want to be with me-"

"Ali-"

"I work a mere 9 to 5 job, I earn nearly half as you do, I spend time writing unrealistic fictional stories online, I'm not thin- I've been trying to skip meals to lose weight, but I don't see any results," I broke down into tears again, not realizing I revealed that I wasn't eating properly, "I've been trying, but it's not working. I don't have an attractive body." I then murmured, embarrassed, "I'm also not experienced, and I'm afraid you won't like what you see."

Fawad's eyes flooded with tears.

"I'm afraid you're going to realize there's better out there and that you don't want me anymore. Nothing has ever lasted in my life. Nothing stays. No one chooses me. I'm afraid you and I are on borrowed time because I'm not good enough."

He cupped my cheeks, tears streaming down his own. "Stop," he told me firmly. "Be quiet."

Suddenly, I was reminded of my father, of how I always had to refrain from expressing my emotions.

The difference here, though, was that I was inflicting pain on Fawad through my words whereas my feelings only made my father angrier. Fawad was my safe haven. I was always uninhibitedly able to be myself around him. We were different from each other, but he never judged me.

The pressure, however, of being the perfect romantic life partner, the transition from our marriage being one of convenience to an actual lifetime commitment, in addition to my past experiences, created the fears of losing Fawad and what we share.

He searched my eyes with anguish, "Where is all this coming from, jaan?" He looked around slowly, as though trying to absorb all that I had just said. "Did I say-" he reflected until a flame of anger ignited in his eyes, "Who the f*ck said that sh*t that we don't match? What did they look like- that's why you were outside by yourself that night. They f*cking don't know  sh*t, Alizey. I told you they only like to chat up utter bullsh*t for their entertainment. It doesn't mean anything. What the f*ck do they know?"

My shoulders shook from my sobs, extinguishing his anger.

Fawad took my hands, "Alizey, I-" he appeared at a loss for words until another wave of tears washed over his eyes, "I love you." I reached out and wiped his tears while my own continued to fall. He paused and gripped my hands, kissing them before taking them into his own, "I love you. I-I didn't know," he sniffled, "that you were carrying these kinds of thoughts in your head. I don't understand why-rather, how you could think these things about yourself." He gazed into my eyes firmly, "I don't want you to be like Sana. I fell in love with Alizey, for the qualities that make her different from others. I never want her to change."

I searched his eyes, biting my quivering lower lip.

"I-" he sighed exasperatedly, "I can't explain in words how pained I am to know that you've been skipping meals, Alizey. I feel like a f*cking sh*tty husband for not realizing that is what you were doing... You trying to compare yourself to the way Sana looked—Alizey, she wanted to look like you," he looked at me seriously, "She didn't like how thin she was. She had a fast metabolism. She struggled to gain weight no matter how much she ate."

My orbs widened. She wanted her figure to be like mine?!

"Maybe it's on me, that I didn't comment too much on how she or you look outwardly, but it's because that's not what's important to me nor what I fell in love with. I am attracted to you because of your faith in Allah, Alizey, because of your nature, because of your personality and resilience. But of course, I think you are incomparably beautiful. You have the prettiest eyes. Sometimes when you wake me up for Fajr, I pretend to be asleep just so you wouldn't realize I was awake before you, admiring how you look without makeup. I love how you look, including your figure, which is very appealing to say the least. There's no reason for you to lose weight."

I sniffled, listening to him intently.

"Whether you decide to stop working or if you made three times more than me, I would still be equally as proud to call you mine. Alizey, I've told you before. You were proud to call me your husband when I was a mechanic and when we weren't pursuing our marriage in its actuality, but that's just not why. You are my wife, but beyond that, you are your own person. I respect whatever it is that makes you happy and choose to do. You belittle your writing and claim to be untalented—I'm not sure you would have gotten your publishing deal if it weren't serious work. Anyone can write a story, Alizey, but not everyone can evoke emotion like you. Why do you not see that?"

Fawad leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead.

"You make a heartwarming impression wherever you go, baby, whether or not you realize it. You're gentle, funny, caring, intelligent, and so well-mannered. In this superficial world where people care about what others think and say, you've always prioritized what matters to you, and I commend that. You're genuine, Alizey."

Genuine.

"I could never leave you. Jaan-e-jaan kaha tha maine tumhe. Jaan ke beghair zinda raha nahin jaa sakta. Aur tumse behtar ho nahin sakti. Tumse behtar mujhe koi samajh nahin sakti. Tumse behtar mujhe koi aur pyaar nahin kar sakti, aur mujhe kisi aur ke pyaar chahiye bhi nahin, Alizey. Mohabbat ho tum meri. Mera pura ka pura dil ho."
(I called you the life of my life. One cannot live without their soul. And there cannot be anyone better than you for me. No one can understand me better than you. No can love me better than you, nor do I want anyone else's love, Alizey. You are my love. You are my entire heart.)

I lowered my head and kissed him, my tears dripping onto his cheeks.

I felt bad for letting the whispers in my head come in between us and make me doubt him. They're out of my control, and I hated it.

I pulled him up onto the bed in front of me. He engulfed me in his tight embrace and continued, "Pareshaan toh mujhe hona chahiye ke kahin tum mujhe chodh kar chali jao, lekin mujhe iske baare mein sochna gavara hi nahin hai. Main pyaar karne ke layak nahin hoon, Alizey, phir bhi tumhari achchai ke wajah se tum kuch na kuch wajah bana leti ho. Agar main tumhe kho dhoonga, khatam ho jaaonga main. Jeene ke aas nahin tha, lekin tumse milke phir se jeena chahta hoon, tumhare saath, tumhare pyaar ke saath. Mere liye kitni keemti ho tum, main bayaan nahin kar sakta."
(I am the one who should be worried about you leaving me, but I can't tolerate even thinking about it. I am not worthy of love, Alizey, but because of your goodness, you create reasons to love me. If I lose you, I'll be destroyed. I didn't have the desire to live, but after meeting you, I wanted to live again, with you, with your love. I can't explain how precious you are to me)

"I'm sorry, baby-"

He placed his hand on the back of my head as he held me in his arms, "Ghussa aata hai mujhe duniya par jo tumhe aise mehsoos karwaya. Nafrat hota hai khud se ke tumhe iss tarah ke khayalat se mehfooz nahin rakh sakta." He pressed his lips to my neck, giving me protective kisses. "Mujhe pehle kehti thi ke jo bure khalayat aate hain mann mein, woh sab na sunne ke liye, na maanne ke liye ke main woh sab hoon. Tumhe bhi nahin sunna hai phir."
(It makes me angry at the world that it made you feel like this. I hate myself for not being able to protect you from your thoughts. You used to tell me not to listen to the bad thoughts that come into my head, to not believe that I am what they say I am. Then you aren't to listen to them either)

I nodded.

It wasn't easy, but I would try.

He kissed my temple then caressed my head.

I moved my head back, "I love you, Fawad. I'm so grateful for you. I don't know what I would do without you."

His lips connected to mine. "I love you."

I cupped his left cheek while pressing my lips to his right. I trailed kisses down his neck, combing my fingers into his hair as I moved closer, straddling him.

"Alizey-"

I kissed Fawad gently. My arms then slung around his neck, "I want to, Fawad."

He searched my eyes for a moment.

I nodded softly with sincerity to reassure him.

As he studied my eyes, we came to a silent, mutual understanding that what was about to transpire between us wasn't coming from place of lust, but rather the intention to make pure love to each other. It was coming from a place of putting aside of any doubts regarding each other, a place of trust, and a place of utter love. It was to put our emotions, souls, and hearts in sync.

My husband kissed me passionately, tightening his grip around me.

Our clothes strewn over the grey wooden floor, the messy bedsheets crinkled beneath us, and the ectasy from our skin against each other's—we had become one like never before.

The following morning, however, my understanding of the previous night grew muddled, and it felt like my fears had come true.

Sunlight seeped through the blinds, the rays shining on my tired, closed eyes. Clad in Fawad's shirt, I peeked through my eyelashes and pulled the blanket closer to myself while turning around. The world seemed brighter, and a smile tugged on my lips at the thought of last night.

I scooted closer to Fawad in hopes of cuddling with him when my eyebrows furrowed and my smile disappeared.

I opened my eyes again slightly.

He wasn't in bed.

My head lifted from my pillow to check if the lights were on under the bathroom door only to find that the door was open and it was dark inside.

"Baby?" I called out.

Nothing.

I got up slowly and went over to his armoire, my limbs aching lightly from our activities. His car keys weren't inside.

My heartbeat sped up as I grabbed my phone and sat back down on the bed.

I anxiously chewed on my lower lip while listening to my phone ring.

"You have reached the voicemail box of..." the automated voice went on to recite his phone number.

I set my phone down after reaching his voicemail again.

Flashbacks from how Fawad reacted after our first kiss played before my eyes.

'But after we kissed and you reminded me of the conditions of our marriage, the ones that I set up for Sana, it made me realize she had slipped my mind in that moment. I can't do this to her. It would be unfair to her if I moved on. She didn't choose to leave me, she loved me till her last breath. How can I be unfaithful to her?'

My eyes closed as they flooded slowly.

'I'm sorry for kissing you, Alizey. I shouldn't have done it. I tried to hold back, but- I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry if I led you on.'

"I didn't realize what day it was tomorrow."
"Sana and Musa's-"
"Main bhool kaise gaya?"

'I'm sorry, Alizey. I was so stuck in my thoughts that I didn't think about anything else. I met Sana's family and-It was all like reliving my life five years ago. I felt frozen by it. I'm sorry I didn't contact you all day or pick you up, jaan. I wasn't aware-'

'I don't want to hurt Sana... I'm struggling, Alizey, to reconcile staying faithful to Sana and moving on.'

'Sana was the mother of my child, my wife. To even think of myself mistreating or neglecting her or Musa made me upset.'

My wet eyes opened, tears streaming down my cheeks.

'Sana duniya thi meri. I loved her. I loved her so much. I learned what love was when I met her. And I promised I would love her forever... I told myself I would never get married again because I could never give anyone her place.'

He regretted it.

My lips trembled as I pushed myself off the bed and grabbed my towel.

He can't move on.

I went into the bathroom and used the toilet then brushed my teeth before standing under the hot water pouring from the shower head. After performing ghusl, I prayed.

All the while, my mind repeated over and over—he regretted it.

"Lizu?" Mama greeted me skeptically with surprise, studying my dull, bare face and wet hair. "Sab kuch thik hai na, beta?"
(Is everything alright, dear?)

I attempted to push a small smile to my lips as I nodded.

"Aise bina bataye?" There was hesitation in her voice.
(You're here unannounced?)

Normally, she would welcome me inside with no second thoughts, but it seemed like with that small question, she was stalling.

Noticing my confusion, she glanced over her shoulder then leaned closer to me, whispering, "Siraj Bhai aur Safeena Bhabi aaye huwe hai nashte ke liye."
(Siraj Bhai and Safeena Bhabi are over for breakfast)

"Kaun hai, Afreen?" Papa asked from inside.
(Who is it?)

Mama sighed defeatedly, dreading my encounter with my father's mentor and his wife. "Alizey."

"Toh andar bulao ussey."
(Then invite her in)

"Aao," Mama ushered me in gently.
(Come)

"Assalamwalaikum," I nodded at the couple sat across from my father on the sofas with teacups in their hands.

"Walaikumsalam," they returned. Siraj Uncle's tone was missing the usual warmth, and Safeena Aunty barely glanced at me before turning her head away.

It was justified. I had stood them and their son up, and it had been months. It brought humiliation to them and their name.

The sight of them blurred.

It still hurt. They had known me since I was born. Uncle used to always greet me while endearingly rubbing my head when I was a child. Safeena Aunty would gift me a new salwar kameez every Eid al-Fitr. Magar ab toh main unke gunehgaar hoon. Mera koi haq nahin banta hai shikayat karne ki.
(But now I am their culprit. I have no right to complain)

Papa met eyes with me pointedly before looking at Siraj Uncle. "Alizey keh rahi thi ke woh aap dono se kuch kehna chahti hai. Alizey."
(Alizey was saying she wants to say something to you both)

I wet my lips and took a shaky breath, tears flickering in my eyes. "Uncle, Aunty, main aap dono se tah-e-dil se maafi mangna chahti hoon. Main aap ko, Tahir Bhai ko, bohat sharminda kiya. Mujhe aap sab ko Fawad ke baare mein bata dena chahiye tha. Aise na bataye maine anjaane mein aap ke tauheen ki. Jab se main chhoti thi, aap dono ne mujhe bohat pyaar diya aur mujhe ussey izzat karna chahiye tha. Please mujhe maaf kardein."
(I would like to sincerely ask the both of you for forgiveness. I really embarrassed you and Tahir Bhai. I should have told you all about Fawad. By not telling you, I unknowingly insulted you. You both gave me a lot of love since I was little, and I should've respected that. Please forgive me)

I knew I was in the wrong. I was remorseful for the embarrassment and shame I caused them.

But there was also something slightly humiliating about standing here and indirectly apologizing for not wanting to marry someone against my will, for not choosing something I did not want from the bottom of my heart.

Siraj Uncle's shoulders slumped slightly when he noticed me wipe my tears away quickly. "Had you told us beforehand, Alizey, we would have understood," he spoke in a calm yet resolute manner. "There was no pressure. If you weren't content with the proposal, then it was fine."

It was easy to say, wasn't it? But at that time, there was pressure from Papa and the fear that ties with the Ataullahs would have gone sour if I rejected the proposal because it'd hurt egos.

Safeena Aunty piped up seriously, "Magar aisey dono khandaan ko shaamil karke aur phir nikkah ke ek din pehle-"
(But involving both families like this then the day before of the wedding-)

Uncle placed his hand on hers, blinking at her slowly. "Jo ho gaya so gaya. Ab iske baare mein baat karke aur koi faida nahin. Usne maafi mangi hai. Ab baat khatam."
(Whatever happened, happened. There's no point in discussing it further. She has apologized. The topic is over)

Aunty's frame shrunk, as though physically suppressing her complaints.

"We've known you since you were little, Alizey," Uncle expressed, "You are like a daughter to us, which is why we wanted to make you ours, but ultimately, people get married where Allah has written for them to get married. Your Aunty and I hope that you and your husband are happy."

His wife inhaled deeply, looking at me through the corner of her eyes.

"Thank you," I sniffled, trying to blink my tears back.

Siraj Uncle gave me a small polite smile.

Mama then came to my rescue. "Lizu, mere saath chalo. Kuch khaya tumne? Bhai, Bhabi, kuch aur biscuit vagera la doon?"
(Lizu, come with me. Did you eat anything? Bhai, Bhabi, should I bring more biscuits or anything?)

They shook their heads before Papa engaged them in conversation and thanked them for forgiving me. He explained how important they are to him and how them being pleased with me mattered a lot to him.

I followed my mother to the kitchen. She looked at me with sympathy and pride before wrapping me in a hug. She kissed my forehead then proceeded to ask, "Kya khaogi? Paratha hai-"
(What will you eat? There's paratha-)

"Main khake aayi hoon," I lied.
(I've eaten before coming)

It wasn't anything to do with my diet. With Fawad's disappearance, I literally had no appetite.

"Fawad kahan hai?"
(Where's Fawad?)

"Baahir. K-kuch kaam hai unhe."
(Out. He had some work to do)

Our heads turned towards the corridor when we heard the front door unlock. I trailed behind Mama to see who it was.

"Assalamwalaikum," Jia Api greeted everyone quietly, an envelope in her hands.

"Walaikumsalam," our guests answered.

"How are you, Jia?" Aunty asked her.

"I'm fine. Yourself?"

"Alhamdulillah."

Api nodded quickly then gulped, looking towards Papa. "Papa, mujhe a-aap se k-kuch baat karni hai."
(Papa, I want to talk to y-you about s-something)

Our father studied her then glanced at Siraj Uncle. "Thodi dair mein karte hai, Jia. Siraj Bhai aur Bhabi se thoda-"
(Let's speak later, Jia. Let me talk a little with Siraj Bhai and Bhabi)

Uncle stood up, "Nahin nahin. Humein bhi ravana hona hai. Darasal humein bhi koi plans hai. Chalo, Safeena."
(No no. We also have to get going. We actually have some plans. Let's go, Safeena)

Aunty nodded and got up.

"Arrey, itne jaldi? Abhi toh kha-"
(Already? You've just eat-)

"Phir kabhi. Shukriya nashte ke liye. Bhabi, chalta hoon. Bohat mazedaar tha. Shukriya."
(Next time. Thank you for breakfast. Bhabi, I'll take your leave. It was delicious. Thank you)

"Shukriya, Bhabi," Aunty added.

Mama smiled nervously before eyeing Jia Api.

Papa saw them off to the door and told them to come again soon before closing it.

Tears were now slipping out of Jia Api's eyes.

"What is this?" he asked as she handed him the envelope. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

She kept silent.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" he took a letter out from it, glancing at her skeptically.

"Kya hua, Jia?" Mama asked urgently. "Pareshaani ho rahi hai mujhe."
(What happened, Jia? I'm getting worried)

"Api?"

Papa's eyes moved across the paper, his expression faltering.

"Heartbeat ho rahi hai, Jia. Jaldi batao mujhe," Mama demanded.
(I'm having palpitations, Jia. Tell me quickly)

"Mu-mujhe mere d-dental school se baahir nikalne chah rahe hai."
(They are wanting to kick me out of my dental school)

Mama gasped, covering her mouth with her hands. "Kya?! Kyun?!"
(What?! Why?!)

My father's jaw clenched. "Drugs karti hai tumhari beti."
(Your daughter does drugs)

My mother's and my eyes widened.

"Likha hai ke usne drug test fail ki hai. Uske khoon mein marijuana ke nishanat mile hai."
(It's written that she's failed the drug test. They've found traces of marijuana in her blood)

"Jia?!"

"I'm sorry," Api whimpered. "Pata nahin kaise-"
(I don't know how-)

"Tumhe pata nahin tumhare khoon mein yeh sab kaise tha?" Papa glared, asking sarcastically.
(You don't know how it was in your blood?)

"I-I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I'll never do it again. Papa-"

"All these years invested, all this money spent on your dental program only for you to be caught doing drugs, Jia?"

"Papa-" she stopped short, seeing him stare at the ground. His eyes were turning glossy.

After a long moment, he turned towards my sister, "Who are you, Jia?"

She sniffled, looking up at him with remorse.

"Is this what you learned? Huh? Is this what they teach you in school? Because this isn't what your mother and I taught you."

"Mere k-kaye dost karte hain. R-relax karne ke liye. Padhai ki bohat stress rehti hai aur yahan toh legal bhi ha-"
(A l-lot of my friends do it. To r-relax. I've a lot of stress from studies, and it's also legal her-)

Papa's head snapped towards my mother, "Dekha? Itna laad-pyaar kis liye? Itna sab humein kyun sehna hai?" He looked at Api, "Is this how your mother and I raised you? Is this what's in our deen? Doing drugs? Kisi ko munh dikhane layak nahin chhoda tumne."
(Did you see? What was all the love and affection for? Why do we have to bear all this? ... You haven't left us able to show our faces to anyone)

My heart trembled for Api. I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end.

"Pehle naaz se, fakhar se kehta tha, meri beti dentist banne ja rahi hai. Ab kya? Kya kahoonga main jab woh dekhenge tum ghar baithi hui ho? Meri beti ganjakhor hai?"
(Before I used to say with pride that my daughter is going to become a dentist. Now what? What will I say when they see you sitting at home? That my daughter is a stoner?)

My sister's lips quivered.

"Maine kabhi kya tumse koi cheez maangi hai?"
(Have I ever asked you for anything?)

Api stared at him with fear and guilt.

"Kaho. Maangi hai?"
(Tell me. Have I?)

She shook her head.

"Ek hi sirf chah tha mera, woh hai ke tum padhai karke ek achchi se naukri karo. Maine yeh mere liye nahin chaha! Tumhare liye chaha!"
(I only had one wish, and that was that you study and work a nice job. I didn't want this for me! I wanted this for you!)

"I'm sorry," she peeped.

"Aitebaar tha mujhe tum par. Kis cheez pe kya kharche kar rahi ho, maine zaroorat hi nahin samjha jaanne ke liye. Lekin tum jo peet peeche aise nasha karti rehti ho, kaise kiya tumne aisa, Jia? Aise aankh mein dhool jhokti gayi ho aur humein pata hi nahin chala," Papa expressed with a mixture of astonishment and disappointment.
(I trusted you. I didn't find it necessary to know what you were spending on. But the way you were doing drugs behind our backs, how did you do it, Jia? You continued throwing dust in our eyes and we didn't even know)

"No-"

"Yes."

"Ab kya hoga?" Mama questioned. "Ab padhai sab khatam?"
(What will happen now? Are her studies now over?)

"Papa, aap baat karke dekhein na mere school se. Shayad maaf kardein mujhe. Ainda aisi harkatein nahin karoongi."
(Papa, try talking to my school and see. They might forgive me. I won't do anything like this again)

"Mere baat karne se kya hoga? Tumne jab yeh sab karne ki faisla liya, ussi waqt hi tumne sabit kardiya ke tumhe na padhai ki na hamari koi fikar hai." He sighed. "Aur kya kahoon, Afreen? Thak gaya hoon main. Aur nahin hota mujhse," he shook his head, sounding defeated, then disappeared down the corridor.
(What will happen from talking to them? When you decided to do these things, it was then that you proved that you don't care about your studies nor us. What else do I say, Afreen? I am tired. I can't do this anymore)

Mama approached Jia with teary eyes disbelievingly, "Tum nasha karti ho, Jia?"
(You do drugs, Jia?)

I walked over and rubbed my sister's back as she looked at us with glassy eyes.

"Galti ho gayi hai mujhse," she whimpered. She turned to me, "What am I going to do, Alizey?"
(I made a mistake)

I wiped her tears as I took a shaky breath.

"Mama, Papa se baat karo na," she begged. "Please."
(Mama, talk to Papa)

"Kya baat karoon main, Jia? Samajh mein kuch nahin aa raha."
(What should I say, Jia? I can't understand anything)

"Shayad mere school ke dean maan jaaye aap dono ke baat karne se. Koshish toh karke dekh sakte hai, hai na?"
(Perhaps my school's dean will agree if you speak to them. We can try, right?)

My mother went and sat on the sofa exasperatedly, wiping at her own tears with her dupatta.

"Alizey, you talk to Papa. Please. He might listen to you."

"Me?" my eyebrows lifted.

She nodded desperately, taking my hands. Api then walked over to Mama and sat down beside her, pleading to her.

My eyes travelled down the corridor.

My insides grew jittery with anxiety as I thought about talking to my father about this. I knew it would end with me being inflicted with more pain. It's just how it's always been.

I had given up going out of my way to make amends with him. I still tried to be polite and make small talk when we saw each other. It was always left at that. Very rarely were there any efforts to make conversation with me from his end. He was slightly more open towards me now after all these months, but the huge distance between him and I since Fawad and I got married had nevertheless become the norm.

I took a deep breath before walking towards the kitchen. The backyard door was open, and I could see my father sitting on a chair outside near my mother's garden, his back towards the house.

I crept up behind him quietly. "Papa?"

He continued staring at the fence ahead.

I placed myself next to him on the empty chair. My eyes trained on the grass while I fidgeted with my fingers, trying to think of what to say.

As sad as it was, words of comfort didn't come to me naturally for him because we were never that close. Being emotionally vulnerable with him made me uncomfortable; our quarrels had taught me to put up a wall while I was near him because my thoughts and feelings were always shut down by him.

I opened my mouth after a long moment of silence when he spoke up suddenly, his eyes distant, "Pata hai, Alizey?"
(Do you know, Alizey?)

My back straightened with nerves.

"Jab main Pakistan se yahan aaya tha, mera paas kuch nahin tha. Na paisa, na koi rishtedaar, na degree. Kuch bhi nahin. Din me do teen odd jobs karta tha ghar chalane ke liye. Baad mein Siraj Bhai mile mujhe. Meri mehnat aur lagan dekh kar unhone mujhe sahara diya. Jo bhi naam hai mera samaaj mein, jo bhi izzat hai, ussey maine kamayi hai."
(When I came here from Pakistan, I didn't have anything. No money, no relatives, no degree. Nothing. I used to do 2-3 odd jobs in a day to make ends meet. Later I met Siraj Bhai. After seeing my hard work and passion, he gave me support. Whatever name I have in society, whatever respect I have, I have earned it myself.)

I nodded silently.

"Hamare paas utna nahin hai jitna mere doston ke paas hai, lekin jitna bhi hai, bohat saaron ke nahin hai. Phir bhi, log mujhe izzat deta tha. Adab se pesh aata tha mujhse. Tumhare Mama aur mere parvarish ko tareef karte the. Hamare paas teen betiyaan hai, lekin tum teenon ko humne utna hi tavajjo diya jaise beton ko diya jaata hain."
(We don't have as much as my friends have, but we do have a lot more than some people. Regardless, people used to give me respect. They used to behave courteously with me. They used to praise how your Mama and I raised you all. We have three daughters, but we gave the three of you as much attention as sons are given)

My frame shrunk in remembrance of how he's always wanted a son.

"Maine hamesha tum teenon ki padhai aur naukri ke mamlein mein koi kasar nahin chodi. Kya maine yeh sab mere aur tumhare ma ke liye kiya?"
(I always left no stone unturned when it came to your guys' studies and careers. Did I do all that for your mother and I?)

I shook my head.

"Kya maine ya tumhari ma ne tumhare ya tumhare behnon ki sahara ya paisa kabhi chaha?"
(Have I or your mother ever wanted your or your sisters' support or money?)

I shook my head again.

"Toh phir? Kabhi socha hai maine itna zorr kyun diya iss baat pe? Iss liye diya ta ki tum sab ko kabhi cheez ki kami na ho. Kisi ke ehsaan na lena pade. Tum teenon ko toh ek na ek din shaadi kar ke apne apne ghar jaana hai. Yeh hamare liye nahin tha."
(Then? Did you ever think why I put so much pressure on these matters? I put it so you guys would never lack in anything. So you wouldn't have to take a favor from anyone. Three of you were to get married some day and go to your own houses. This wasn't for us)

My gaze lowered to the grass again.

I always knew that was why, but further education wasn't something I wanted nor did I want to face the academic pressures of being in school again. It was too much stress. I didn't make that much money, but for now, it was enough. Maybe I'll take Fawad's advice and ask for a promotion or look for a new job.

Fawad...

"Tumne jo stunt kiya," he uttered with distaste. "Uske baad main tumhare liye bohat pareshaan tha."
(The stunt that you pulled. I was very worried for you after it)

I cowered into my chair.

"Tum apni ma par gayi ho. Bachpan se hi, bohat nazuk dil. Padhai karti thi, har sab kaam karti thi, aur phir na jaane kis sapnon ke duniya mein khoyi rehti thi. Aise lagta tha ke tum padhai khatam karke apne haath dho leti thi usse. Tavajjo nahin deti thi. Phir na jaane kaise tum uss lafangey ke chakkar mein pad gaye."
(You've gone on your mother. From childhood, very fragile. You used to study, do everything, then who knows what dream world you would be lost in. It was like you would finish your studies as fast as you could to get rid of it. You wouldn't give it much focus. Then who knows how you got involved with that good-for-nothing)

His inner thoughts were coming out. Nevertheless, my heart clenched at him referring to Fawad negatively.

"Dar gaya main ke meri sab se chhoti beti kis ke baaton mein behak gayi? Tumhare aankhon par kisne parda dal diya? Ek mechanic? Tumhe itna achcha school mein padhaya ek mechanic ke saath shaadi karne ke liye? Shaadi do barabar logon ke beech mein hoti hai-"
(I got scared that in whose words did my youngest daughter fall for? Who blinded her? A mechanic? Did I have you study in such a good school for you to marry a mechanic? Marriage happens between two equals-)

"Woh mujhse behtar school mein-"
(He went to a better school than me-)

"Pata hai. Baad mein jab tumhari ma ne mujhse kaha, aakhir thoda chain mila mujhe. Aur shukr hai ke tumhare shohar ko bhi akal aa gaya. Phir se engineering kar raha hai."
(I know. When your mother told me that later, I finally felt some peace. And thank goodness that your husband came to his senses. He's doing engineering again)

I let out a silent deep breath to keep calm. I couldn't remember when we had spoken for this long.

"Aur tum."
(And you)

My eyes shifted to my father.

"Mujhe lagta tha ke tum likhti thi time pass karne ke liye," he said in a more sincere tone, though his mannerisms were still firm, "waqt zaya karti thi jab tum kisi aur cheez par focus kar sakti thi... Mujhe pata nahin tha tum itni achchi likh sakti ho."
(I thought you used to write as time pass, that you used to waste time when you could've been focusing on other things... I didn't know you could write so well)

My lips curled inwards in appreciation.

"Fakhar hai humein... ke tumhe yeh publishing deal mili hai."
(We are proud... that you got this publishing deal)

"Shukriya," I said quietly.
(Thank you)

"Allah ke shukar hai ke tumhari aur tumhara shohar ke halaat sambhli hai." He then sighed deeply, "Jo bhi hua, jaise bhi hua, aise hargiz nahin hona chahiye tha, Alizey." His face cringed with scorn, "Tumhari na farmaani, yeh peet peeche jaana, tumhara dhoka dena, bohat dukh hua mujhe."
(Thank God that your and your husband's situation has stabilized. Though whatever happened, how it happened, it should not have happened at all like that, Alizey. Your disobedience, your going behind my back, your betrayal, it hurt me a lot)

My eyes began flooding to the brim with guilt.

"Samaaj mein munh dekhane ke layak hi nahin chhoda tha."
(You hadn't left me capable of showing my face in society)

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Sheher chhod kar chale jaata, ya phir logon ke saath utna betna chhod deta—kidhar munh chupao, samajh mein nahin aa raha tha. Tumhari wajah se khudkushi karne ke khayal bhi aane lage-"
(Should I have left town or stopped socializing with people—I wasn't able to understand where to hide my face. Because of you, thoughts of committing suicide started coming to me-)

I froze hearing his words, tears cascading down my cheeks.

"- phir socha jo hona tha, woh toh ho hi gaya. Waise bhi gunnah hai. Lekin main ghalat tha. Badi beti saalon ki mangni tootkar kisi ghair mulki se shaadi karne ja rahi hai."
(-then I thought what was to happen already happened. It's also a sin anyway. But I was wrong. My eldest daughter ended her engagement of years and is going to marry a foreigner)

His words echoed in my ears as my limbs went numb with extreme guilt. 'Tumhari wajah se khudkushi karne ke khayal bhi aane lage.' Meri wajah se.

"Aur teesri beti ganjakhor? School se nikali hui?" he scoffed with disbelief and self-pity. "Meri kamayi hui izzat toh sab mitti mein mil gaye. Main toh kahin ka nahin raha."
(And my third daughter, a stoner? Expelled from school? My hard-earned respect has been destroyed to dirt. I have nowhere I belong)

Meri wajah se.
(Because of me)

"Kya karoon main?"
(What should I do?)

He wanted to commit suicide because of me.

I was that horrible.

"Batao," Papa's palms opened exasperatedly as he searched for answers.
(Tell me)

I gulped, wiping my tears though my eyes continued watering. "Try talking to Api's school. They might let her off with a warning."

"This is higher education, not elementary."

"I know. It doesn't hurt to try. You always told me that."

He looked at me.

"They might take it into consideration." My vision grew blurry, "And Jia Api's your pride. She's a brilliant student. They won't want to lose her. Don't worry."

I got up and went back inside, finding it hard to breathe.

'Tum mere khoon nahin ho. Ho hi nahin sakti ho. Kyunki tumhari ragon mein mail ke siwa aur kuch nahin daurta.'

'Jiss din tum paida hui thi, mujhe tumhari ma ki baat sunne hi nahin chahiye thi. Uss din mujhe tumhe Shehroze ko de dena chahiye tha.'

'Baap-beti ki beech main hi kyun hamesha phas jaati hoon?!'

'Phupa ki baat alag hai, Jia Api aur Amaira Api toh behenein hai tumhari. Ek dafa mujhse puchcha bhi nahin tumhare baare mein. Hadd hai, yaar.'

'But I want to say I'm sorry, Alizey. You took had to take the blame for something I did. I'm sorry Papa yelled at you.'

'Jia and I were scared he would start checking them, so we decided to block your number till things got better... And then things just got in the way. Work, home, Sarafaraz, friends, Ma-'

'Magar aisey dono khandaan ko shaamil karke aur phir nikkah ke ek din pehle-'

'Jo maa-baap ke mohabbat haasil nahin kar saki, woh shohar ka pyaar kaise haasil karegi? Uski asli fitrat ko dekh ke, woh bhi chhod dega ussey kuch hi mahinon mein.'

'Tumhari wajah se khudkushi karne ke khayal bhi aane lage.'

Thak gayi hoon main.
(I'm tired)

Yeh dard.
(This pain)

Yeh pyaar jo kabhi kabhi ek tarfa lagta hai.
(This love that sometimes seems one-sided)

Yeh intezaar. Yeh intezaar sab thik ho jaane ka—yeh intezaar jo kabhi kabhi lagta hai khatam hi nahin hoga.
(This wait. This wait for everything to get better—this wait that sometimes feels like it's never going to end)

Sehte sehte, ek waqt aata hai jab insaan haar jaata hain. Thak jaata hai.
(Enduring it for so long, there comes a time where a human becomes defeated. They get tired)

Koi chaah bhi nahin rehti.
(They have no desire left)

I passed by the now empty living room and opened the front door to go to my car when I saw Fawad walking up the driveway.

"Alizey," he called, his concerned expression relaxing.

'She didn't choose to leave me, she loved me till her last breath. How can I be unfaithful to her?'

My legs carried me to meet him halfway.

'I don't want to hurt Sana.'

'I just don't want to make any promises that I can't keep-'

"Sana duniya thi meri. I loved her. I loved her so much. I learned what love is when I met her. And I promised I would love her forever. I told myself I would never get married again because I could never give anyone her place."

Samajh mein nahin aati hai ke kya behtar hota—ke sab mujhse anjaan hote, ya sab se anjaan, begani main hoti. Ke koi mujhe nahin jaante ya agar main kisi ko nahin jaanti.
(I don't know what would have been better—if no one knew me, or if I knew no one, if I had nothing to do with anyone)

"Alizey. Why haven't you been answering your phone? I went home and you wer-" his eyebrows furrowed, "What happened?"

Kisi se rishta, kisi se koi taluq agar nahin hota, toh phir niraashi aur mayoosi ki gunjaish hi nahin hoti.
(If I had no relationship, no ties with anyone, then there wouldn't have been any room for disappointment and sadness)

Sab apne sirf naam ke. Sab rishte sulajhne ki jaari koshish mein, khud ulajh ke kho gayi hoon.
(Those 'close' to me, it's empty words. In ongoing attempt to iron out all my relationships, I have gotten tangled and lost myself)

Kaash hum kabhi nahin milte—yeh baat jhoot hain. Bohat saare haseen pal aur khushiyaan mili mujhe tumse yeh gyaara mahinon mein. Tumhare liye meri mohabbat, main inkaar nahin kar sakti.
(I wish we had never met—this is a lie. I got a lot of beautiful moments and happiness from you in these last 11 months. I can never deny my love for you)

Lekin yeh bhi nahin inkaar kar sakti ke iss pyaar ki kashti mein sirf main hi chal rahi thi. Tum saahil pe khade rahe.
(But I also cannot deny that on this boat of love, I was the only passenger. You remain stood at the shore)

Ghalatfehmi thi meri jo maine iss kashti ko mazboot samajha.
(It was my misunderstanding that I thought this boat was strong)

Haqeeqat mein yeh kagaaz ke bane hai.
(In reality, it is made of paper)

Kaagaz ke kashtiyaan bohat dair tak chal nahin paati hai. Jab kagaaz bheeg ke kamzor hone lagta hai, uska musafir ko leke kashti bikharne lagte hai.

(Paper boats can't sail for too long. When the paper gets wet and grows weak, it starts falling apart, taking its passenger with it)

"You were right, Fawad."

He searched my eyes with confusion.

"You were right to have given our marriage the 1-year clause," I looked at him with my glassy orbs, watching his face drop, "We shouldn't have broken the rules of our marriage." I shook my head, tears spilling down my cheeks as my lips trembled, "We shouldn't have."

"Alizey-"

"I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm sorry."

Pani mein doob gayi hoon main, Fawad. Ab tedni ki zorr nahin raha mujh mein.
(I've drowned in the water, Fawad. I no longer have the strength to swim)