🎶"Raah taan saare band yaar tak, ik raah labh laina. Main khud hi pat ke qabar meri, khud nu hi dab lena... Ohnu saddeyo na koi jad janaza niklu Jaani da, kithe mareyaan nu na maar de ohda parchawaan."
(All the roads to my beloved are closed, I would find one road that leads to her. I would dig my own grave and bury myself... No one invite her when Jaani's funeral procession has left. It may be that her shadow may kill the dead)🎶

- Pinjra | Jaani | Gurnazar

Alizey's P.O.V.

As Fawad's lips pressed to mine, it felt that our hearts became one. The feelings that he's never openly uttered, he was pouring through the kiss. It whispered that I was his.

The warmth, the soft yet passionate touch of his lips against mine, it stilled everything around me.

This was my first ever kiss.

All of my senses were too overwhelmed to realize that I was supposed to kiss him back.

Uncertainty taking over Fawad's demeanor, he paused then began pulling back slowly. I quickly lifted a hand to his cheek and leaned closer, reciprocating the kiss before he could break it. The smooth slow caresses of his soft lips bloomed flowers in every corner of my body. It was nothing but pure magic.

As we drew back, my heart pounded in my ears while I caught my breath, my lips tingling. I slowly opened my eyes shyly to find him gazing into mine with warmth and deep emotion.

Everything was now changed between us. We'd crossed the boundaries and broken the rules of our marriage.

I wanted him to tell me his feelings with his words.

"The-" I whispered, searching his beautiful orbs, "the conditions?"

He froze after he processed my words, his eyes wavering. He then took a step back.

Sh*t sh*t sh*t.

I shouldn't have asked that. It was like I could see him putting up his walls again, brick by brick.

Why?! What did I say wrong?

His phone began ringing in his pocket, but he continued staring at me, his mind racing with thoughts that I couldn't read.

"Fawad, your phone," I pointed out quietly.

He snapped out of it, pulling his phone out of his pocket and holding it to his ear without even checking who it was. "Hello... I'm coming." He slid his phone back into his pocket, avoiding eye contact with me as he went to search for his keys. "We'll-... we'll talk later, Alizey," he murmured while I pushed myself off the counter and watched him. He strode through the corridor and left through the main door.

I blinked several times, confused.

What just happened?

Fawad's P.O.V.

I stormed out of the elevator and to my car that rested in our apartment's parking lot. After unlocking the car door, I opened the glove compartment and scrambled for my cigarette box and lighter.

My fingers ran through my hair shakily as I blinded my vision with smoke.

"No kissing. And... a-and n-no se-"
"Don't worry. I have no interest in pursuing our marriage in that way."

"Shaadi karli usse aakhir. Ab kya? Hamare darmiyaan toh ab kuch bhi nahin."
"Pyaar toh main sirf tumse hi karta hoon, Sana. Aisey mat kaho. Maine jo bhi kiya, hamare liye kiya. Main yeh shaadi nahin karna chahta tha. Maine majbooran yeh faisla liya. Hamare khaatir."
"... Dekho na, pehle kehte the ke kabhi kisi se shaadi nahin karoge, lekin ab tum nikkah ke do din baad milne aaye ho. Ab woh priority legi na?"
"... biwi hai woh meri. Zimmedari hai. Lekin tumhari jagah koi nahin le sakti."
"...Tumne kaise usse shaadi karli? Ek baar bhi khayal nahin aayi meri?"
"...Main khud ko bhool sakta hoon, lekin tumhe kabhi nahin bhool sakta main, Sana."

"Why are you depriving yourself of the goodness in front of you? I want you to be happy. I won't mind-"
"No. I can't do that to you."

"Lekin pichle kayi hafton se, haftein mein ek baare mujhe bulaate ho yahan. Tumhare nikkah se pehle har dusre din hum aise baat karte the... Alizey ke saath waqt bitana achcha lagta hai tumhe."

"Tumhari aakhon mein main dekhai nahin de rahi. Koi aur hai ab inn mein... Tum mujhe bhoolne lage ho. Pehle se kam kam milne aate ho."

"I don't want to hurt you."
"It won't."
"Jhoot."
"No. We both did things that we never wanted to, but it's because our circumstances compelled us to. If you move on, I-I won't mind."

My eyes shut tightly while my insides shook, the cigarette trembling between my lips.

"Lekin tum toh bewafa nikle."
"Nahin."

"Lekin tum toh bewafa nikle." "Lekin tum toh bewafa nikle." "Lekin tum toh bewafa nikle."

Bewafa.
(Unfaithful)

Her words repeated in my head, pounding against my brain.

"Lekin tum toh bewafa nikle."

Alizey's P.O.V.

I hadn't messaged nor called Fawad all day, but I've been waiting for him since he left. It was nearing 9:45 PM now.

My stomach rumbled. I hadn't eaten since the morning. My mind had been too busy whirling with what happened between to even think about food.

I got up from the bed and stepped into the balcony, taking a deep breath.

I couldn't comprehend what went wrong. Why did me reminding him of the conditions shut him down like that?

"Meow." I turned my head to the right to look at Pebbles as he strolled across the ledge of the balcony then hopped onto ours. The furry grey cat sniffed my hand after I extended it then began licking it out of affection.

I scratched his jaw, "I wonder where he is, Pebbles. I don't think it took him long to get the keys and sign the papers. He probably went to go see the house after. Where is he now?"

"Meow."

"I just hope he comes home soon," I then couldn't help but whisper solemnly, "I didn't picture the aftermath of our first kiss being like this."

Pebbles bumped his head against my hand before sprawling onto his back.

"Honestly speaking, marriage is not something I want in my life."
Is it because he still thinks that? The way we had both gotten in the groove of things and became so comfortable with each other, I was beginning to think he enjoys what we have.

I bent down to grab some treats from the bag then set them next to Pebbles. He immediately flipped over and began nibbling on the crunchy fish snack.

The front door began unlocking and I quickly went back inside, my heartbeat speeding up. I didn't know what to expect.

Be easy, Alizey. Act casual. Don't add to the tension.

I went over to the sink to wash my hands when Fawad stepped in wearing his navy-blue coveralls. He usually takes it off before he drives home. Regardless, he was supposed to be off today.

"Hi," I greeted him, drying my hands with a napkin.

"Hi," he answered quietly, avoiding my gaze.

"You went to work?" I asked softly with confusion.

He grabbed a fresh pair of clothes from the armoire, "Yeah."

"I thought you called off today?"

"I went in anyway."

"Oh. Were you able to get the keys?"

He nodded.

"Did you go see the house?"

"No."

I thought that would have been the first thing he would have done.

His responses were short, but his tone wasn't rude. Nevertheless, he was distant.

I watched as he disappeared into the bathroom, the shower turning on minutes later.

I sat down at the edge of the bed, my leg bouncing up and down.

I wanted to hug him, to cuddle with him, to banter with him, but now I felt as though we were tiptoeing around eggshells, pretending as though the kiss this morning never happened.

When I heard the showerhead come to a stop, I heated up leftover tacos we got the other night and sat at the dining table.

Silence.

I stole glances at him while we ate in silence, save for the chatter coming from the TV.

Fawad swiftly got up when he was done and washed all the dishes. When we found ourselves in bed, idly staring at the bright TV in the dark, I looked at him. "Are you ready for your interview tomorrow?"

He kept still for a moment before nodding, and it made me question if he even remembered about it.

"It'll be fine. You'll do great... Did everything go smoothly when you got the keys?"

He nodded. After some time, he turned away onto his side. I switched off the TV and laid down, facing his back, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

My eyes watered as I watched my fingers curl into a fist, stopping myself from drawing a heart on his back.

When I imagined our first kiss, I thought it would have been the beginning of the shower of love we pour on each other.

I forced myself to turn away. I clutched the comforter tightly, as though doing so would push the thoughts that were pricking my eyes away from my mind.

From when we stayed the week at my parents' house, I had gotten used to sleeping tucked near him. But, for some reason, here we were at the furthest edges of our bed.

I wasn't sure how long it had been that we laid in the deafening silence, but I eventually felt the bed move. I heard Fawad open the armoire and slip on his jacket. He carefully swiped his keys off the table and began heading for the door.

No.

He can't kiss me and act like nothing happened then just leave for the night, leaving me alone like this. Not tonight. Not anymore. I deserve an explanation. He has to clarify why he was acting this way. He can't keep running away like this. I need to know where he goes. I need to know what's wrong. He has to let me in.

As soon as the door closed, I scrambled off the bed and quickly shrugged my jacket on, zipping it up. I grabbed my keys and left through the door. I raced down the emergency stairwell to catch him when he reaches the parking lot using the elevators.

By the time I reached the bottom of the staircase, I saw him walking towards his car. I carefully maneuvered through the parked cars to stay hidden and went to my own. I sat down and watched through the rear-view mirror as he ignited the engine and pulled out of his slot. Once he passed the gates, I turned on my car and followed suit.

He was already turning left at the nearest light when I turned onto the main street. I needed to maintain a distance, but I couldn't lose him.

I turned left at the light then followed using the adjacent lane, keeping two cars in front of me.

I wanted to think that he was going to our secret spot, but I knew he was not. That night when he left my parents' house upset, he wasn't there, unless it was just a one-off night.

He proved me right when he drove past the road leading to the hills.

Then? Where was he going?

We got onto the freeway, which was surprisingly void of traffic.

I nearly lost sight of Fawad's Lexus a few times, but I managed to follow him to the exit. We were now in a different city, 25 minutes away from home.

Maintaining a distance of another 2-3 cars, I watched as he finally came to a stop and turned on his right blinker before he entered through an opening between tall trees.

I stopped at the opening after I turned on my signal.

My lips parted when I read the words on the stone sign. 'Rahma Memorial Garden.' We were at a Muslim cemetery.

Fawad had already parked and was making his way down a winding path of white pebbles between endless green lawns.

I quickly parked my car in the lot and made way to the start of the white road.

I used to be afraid of cemeteries when I was younger. When I accompanied a family friend to visit her father at a cemetery two years ago, however, I had grown to feel a sense of peace. We were all going to end up underground. This was to be everyone's outcome.

However, despite the tall light posts, I couldn't deny that it felt a little scary being here at night. 

Small shrubs with flowers adorned the sides of the path, and there were breaks in between for the openings into the various rows. Some rows had white stone benches, while others had thick trees planted here and there.

There weren't any headstones, but rather each grave was marked with a plaque on the ground. If Fawad were to turn around, he would easily spot me. I hid from tree to tree, watching him from a distance until he finally came to a stop.

As I stood behind a tree trunk, Fawad knelt in front of a grave, and I began feeling guilty, like I was intruding. He was visiting one of his parents. Here I was- I don't even know what I was thinking. We still needed to talk, but I wanted him to have his moment in private. I was already here, but I would rather wait in the car and confront him in the parking lot.

I turned to leave when I heard Fawad, "Alizey."

My eyes widened as I froze.

I looked at him over my shoulder to find him peering up at me from where he was. He turned his head back, inhaling deeply before wetting his lips.

I mustered the courage and walked over to him slowly, kneeling down next to him.

"You followed me here."

"I-I wanted to know where you were going, and... and I wanted to talk."

"About what happened this morning."

I studied his face while he stared at the grave in front of us. I nodded softly.

"You deserve an explanation," he stated quietly.

"We can talk after," I offered softly, beginning to get up.

"Alizey," he took my name as he exhaled, grabbing onto my wrist.

I remained sat on my knees, looking at him curiously. My eyes followed his to the plaque, and my eyebrows furrowed. His mother's name was Fatima, but that wasn't the name on the shiny, stone plate. "Who's-"

"Sana Sohail," Fawad whispered the name written in bold, his eyes glassy. He took a shaky breath before collapsing the sky onto my shoulders, "She was my wife."

Fawad's P.O.V.

I stared at Sana's grave, "Sana and I met during our freshman year at Berkeley. It was at our first PSA event. We fell in love and got married right after university. We were just 22."

The moment I saw Sana for the first time at the PSA gathering flashed before my eyes--she was laughing with a group of friends when our eyes met. We spent the rest of the evening stealing glances from across the room until I managed to approach her and strike up a conversation.

Waiting to grab lunch after the other's class ended, studying together despite being different majors, late night ice cream adventures, skipping class and spending the day in the neighboring city of San Francisco, the connection we shared was instant and indescribable. Apart from attending classes and living in separate dorms, we became inseparable.

"She grew up in the bay. Her family was reluctant about us getting married so young and her moving away to live with me here, but we knew that's what we wanted. Nevertheless, they agreed, and we had a small nikkah at the mosque. We moved into the house that Baba gifted to us as our wedding gift. I was starting my career in engineering, while Sana continued on studying. She loved animals. She wanted to become a veterinarian."

"Janaan, did you know when cats have their tails curved up, it means they're curious?" her excited voice rang in my ears, "C'mon na, janaan, let's get a horse stable made in the backyard. We can learn how to ride them. It would be so much fun. Haadi can come and ride the horses too. Wait! We can get a pony for him."

"Sana got pregnant three months after we got married, but we couldn't be happier," my eyes shifted to the smaller plaque to the right of Sana's. I caressed the grass that blanketed the tiny grave, "Musa was born on my 23rd birthday." A small smile found its place on my lips. My son Musa Raza was the happiest little man I had ever known. He was the most precious birthday gift I'd ever gotten. "We share the same birthday."

He was the friendliest baby, always smiling at anyone he would meet. He had enough energy to tire his mom and I when we used to play with him.

My vision blurred as I recalled, "He was about a year and seven months when the three of us were driving home one night after dinner at a friend's house. We were at an intersection," my chest constricted when the fateful moment played before my eyes. "It was a protected turn, so I began turning left. The oncoming traffic had stopped, but before I completed the turn, a drunk driver decided to start going. He rammed the car into the passenger side where Sana was sat up front with me, Musa strapped in a car seat in the back." Whether it be in my nightmares or in a state of consciousness, remembering the accident made my limbs numb. "The car flipped after it totaled. Somehow, I'd gotten away with glass in my chest and a concussion, but Sana and Musa--they died on the spot."

The loud sound of the crash, the screeching of metal, the screams, the cries that all have been burned into my memory make my soul shudder.

I wiped at my tears with the back of my hand futilely. "After the accident, I lost touch with reality. The loss of my wife and my son derailed my entire existence. Work was the last thing on my mind. I turned to drugs and drinking, anything that would numb the pain of living without them, anything that would numb the pain of their remembrance. I showed up to work intoxicated a few times. Initially, they just gave me warnings, taking into consideration that I was in a state of mourning, but then they let me go permanently. I'd spent days locked up in the house or roaming the streets, wasted. Baba was concerned about me, and I think that drove him to have his cardiac arrest. It had hardly been two months since the accident when Baba left me too."

He tried so hard to make me live with him so he could keep me under his eye, to take care of me, but I refused. Sana and Musa were everywhere in the house he'd gifted us. My wife had decorated every inch of that home. My son had taken his first steps in that house.

Perhaps if I listened to him, Baba would've still been here.

"I lost the house eventually. I spent most of my money on all the drugs and alcohol I could get my hands on, and I would forget about the bills and loans I owed. I spent some nights on the sidewalk while others were spent crashing at friends' houses. When I realized I wasn't welcome in my drunken condition, I found the studio we now live in. Using the rest of whatever money I had left, I started renting the place. It wasn't until I overdosed one day that I came back to my senses. It was Dilnaaz Aunty who found me when I was nearly good as dead. I hadn't seen her in years. She kept an eye on me as I recovered. She didn't know about Sana and Musa... Once I was more stable, I managed to get a job at the mechanic shop. It was very different and more practical than what I studied. I learned quickly and, more importantly, it kept my mind occupied."

I retreated my hand, my gaze shifting back to Sana's stone plate.

"After the accident, Sana's family severed ties with me. They told me I wasn't able to take care of Sana and Musa. They hold me responsible for their deaths. And I blame myself as well... I wish from the core of my heart it was me. I wish it had been me who died that night, not them. Musa wasn't even two-years old, Alizey. He was a baby. I don't know what his interests would have been, what he would have been into. His life was taken from him before he even got the chance to live."

But I was utterly grateful to have heard him call me Baba, to have held his little hands when he took his first steps.

"And Sana. All her life, she wanted to be a vet. She wanted to rescue animals and open her own shelter. Had she been here, she would have been able to accomplish her dream. She would've continued being the best mother to Musa and raised him well without me here... Sana duniya thi meri. I loved her. I loved her so much. I learned what love was when I met her. And I promised I would love her forever... I told myself I would never get married again because I could never give anyone her place. When I started spiraling, Rangila Aunty told Baba to add the marriage clause to his will so I would have someone to keep my spending in check if I wanted the money. The house I lost was a symbol of mine, Sana's, and Musa's life together. It's filled with their memories. I had to get it back. For them. I had started saving up since the moment I got the job at the shop, but it was nowhere near enough for how much the house went on sale for. When someone placed an offer on it, I began running out of time." I turned my head towards Alizey. 

Tears dripped from her eyes as she sat next to me like a statue, her nose pink as she stared at Sana's plaque blankly.

Alizey's P.O.V.

"I had no choice but to get married. Dilnaaz Aunty suggested I marry you," Fawad gazed at me with soft wet eyes, "and I was hesitant because I was drawn to you from the moment I met you. I was afraid of it happening, but it would be foolish if I denied it. I have feelings for you, Alizey."

My eyes pressed shut tightly, tears racing down my cheeks.

"But after we kissed and you reminded me of the conditions of our marriage, the ones that I set up for Sana, it made me realize she had slipped my mind in that moment. I can't do this to her. It would be unfair to her if I moved on. She didn't choose to leave me, she loved me till her last breath. How can I be unfaithful to her?"

I opened my eyes and peered at him through my wet eyelashes, my heart pounding in my chest.

"I'm sorry for kissing you, Alizey. I shouldn't have done it. I tried to hold back, but- I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry if I led you on. You are an incredibly remarkable woman. You deserve so much better."

My tears spilled even more as I stared him while he reached out and cradled my cheek with his hand, wiping my tears away with his thumb while his own fell.

"I know I should have told you about my past sooner. Before we got married even. But it takes me some time to trust people. More importantly, it's... it's easier for me when people that newly come into my life don't know about Sana and Musa. It makes their absence feel less real. When I would have to explain it to people, they ask questions or look at me different with sympathy in their eyes that act as a constant reminder of the loss and pain I have to deal with each passing day." His tears dropped down onto his lap as he whispered, "The nightmares are rough as it is, but waking up each morning without my loved ones hasn't gotten any easier."

My lips trembled as I couldn't help but take him into my arms.

He drew his arms around me, resting his cheek against my chest. "Why did everyone I ever love leave me, Alizey?" I heard him ask quietly, his voice laced with emotion, "Ami, Baba, Sana, Musa--everyone. Why did they leave me behind?"

I bit my lower lip, screwing my eyes shut as I suppressed a sob.

"Talking to ghosts is one of my favorite pastimes."

 "F*ck, it's so good, San- Alizey. It's really good, Alizey."

"I saw Fawad a few hours ago. He was buying flowers from the market. He didn't give them to you?"
"Oh! Those. Yeah. They're beautiful. I love them."
"I didn't think of him as the romantic type, but I'm glad. As long as he's trying to make you happy."

The picture of a younger Haadi smiling at newborn Musa.

"You seem to know a lot about cats. Where did you learn all of this from?"
"... I just know it."

"Sa- Mu- Mu- I- No-Mu-Sa-"
"Fawad. Wake up. Fawad, wake up."

"Please take it all down, Alizey. I don't like it."
"But why, Fawad? Please tell me."
"Those... those who used to celebrate it with me aren't here anymore.... and I don't deserve it."

"I love your brother a lot. I just want to make him happy."
"You do. He wouldn't have agreed to any of this otherwise. After the accident, he stopped celebrating his birthday, because- well, you know. It's really hard on him. I never thought he would celebrate his birthday ever again, but you made it happen. Thank you."

"Sana Sohail. She was my wife."

"Ami, Baba, Sana, Musa--everyone. Why did they leave me behind?"

"I wish from the core of my heart it was me. I wish it had been me who died that night..."

"I have feelings for you, Alizey."

"How can I be unfaithful to her?"

"Sana duniya thi meri. I loved her. I loved her so much. I learned what love is when I met her. And I promised I would love her forever. I told myself I would never get married again because I could never give anyone her place."

I didn't know what I was crying about in particular.

Every tear asked me the same question.

'Why?'

Because my husband has experienced so much loss?

Because my husband bears pain to such an extent and I had no clue?

Because my husband knows the pain of losing his first child?

Because my husband lost his first love?

Or was it because I was upset at myself for becoming so selfish that alongside his wounds, which forget about empathizing with them, I would never be able to tolerate any of it, I was thinking of my pain? That there is someone else who lives in my husband's heart, that I am not his first wife, that I was unaware of that fact, that I am in love with someone who loves somebody else.