"Well that's the most I've heard you laugh in a long time. I could hear you down the hallway" Harry says to Louis he comes back into the room carrying drinks.

"Its Lauren - she's really on my wavelength. We're gonna be good mates I can tell" he says as he sits himself back up and takes a drink from Harry.

It's the most surreal hour of my life as I sit with Harry and Louis and chat. I feel like we're just 3 normal twenty odd year olds hanging out. I'm desperate to ask Louis for a photo together and one of me, him and Harry because it would make my life complete - but I don't really think rehab is the time or the place, so I refrain from asking. Hopefully with what he's said we're going to stay in touch and there will be chance in the future - and even if not - I'll always have the memories. An hour sat with him is worth so much more than a picture.

"Well - I think we can safely say that I'll get through this next few weeks now. You've really cheered me up and meeting you had just made me realise even more how badly I want my old self back" says Louis hugging me as myself and Harry get ready to leave.

"H take a photo of us" says Louis as he hugs me tighter and hands Harry his phone.

He has harry take a photo of us hugging.

"Right I'm gonna step out and give you a minute to say goodbye. I'll be at the car when you're ready Lauren" says Harry as he hugs Louis. "And I'll be back to see you tomorow" he tells him then leaves.

Louis takes my hand and walks me back to his bed, sitting me down and opening his drawer.
"Here - it's the letter I wrote to you" he says handing an envelope to me.
"Its kind of embarrassing now we've met and chatted because I've been really honest in it and now I feel mortified because you're gone know a lot about me that's probably gonna make you hate me when all I really want is for you to like me like you always did, but I'm hoping once I'm out of here I can spend some time with you, you'll understand" he says sweetly.

"You really do want to be friends? You're not just saying it?" I ask and he smiles.

"No. I really do. I want you in my life because I know you'll make it better - and maybe once old Louis is back I can make yours better too. Nothing would make me happier than making you happy after letting you down so badly" he says as his eyes fill with emotion.

"You do. This last five years have been amazing" I tell him truthfully.

"Well, the next five are gonna be better. I promise you" he says taking back hold of my hand.

"Am I really your idol? Like you look up to me that much?" He asks insecurely and I laugh.
"Yeh. To the point I even started buying Adidas stuff because you wear it" I laugh.
"What did you buy?" He asks with his eyes lighting up at the mention of his favourite clothing line.
"The red tracky top with the white stripes. I wanted the black one too but you can't get that over here it's only in America - I'm gonna get but when I go in the summer" I tell him excitedly.

"Dont bother" he says standing up and opening his wardrobe.
"You can have the real deal" he says pulling it out and handing it to me.
"But when I'm out and we hang out, I might wanna borrow it back from time to time - it's my favourite" he adds shaking his head.

"No. You keep it. I can get one. I'm not taking your favourite jacket" I tell him sincerely.

"You are. Because that's what friends do - and the other doesn't mind. So stop being a fan and start being my friend?" he says as he starts putting it on me.

I feel myself starting to get upset and fight my tears back.

"But youre my idol. I love you so much. I can't stop that - believe me - I've tried" I tell him as the tears come and I cry into his shoulder. He pulls back and looks me in the eye.
"Lauren. I love you even more. I've done nothing for you. You've saved me. You're my idol" he says stroking my tears away.

"Now come on. Stop crying. I'm gonna start and that's no good! I'm trying to find my chill in here" he says smirking.

He stands me up and hugs me again then kisses my cheek.

"Dont let Harry kiss you when he drops you off - he'll try to if he's got any sense" he says as I step out of his room, making me laugh.

"As if! And anyway - I'm a Louis girl! Always have been - always will be" I tell him.

"I hope so" he replies as he waves me off.

I get back in the car with Harry and he gives me a smirk when he realises I'm wearing Louis tracksuit top.
"God he must be grateful to let you have that top - that's his pride and joy" He says as he starts driving.

On the way home we chat about how he seems to be doing better and looks a lot healthier and then conversation turns to the letter.

"I'm actually scared to read it" I tell Harry and he nods.
"I can understand that - sometimes when he opens up to me and tells me stuff, I struggle, and I've been through it all with him, I'm in this batshit crazy bubble with him. For you, on the outside, it must make even less sense. I just want you to know though, even if hes said its been hell, its not all been bad and he has been happy most of the time. He just doesnt seem to remember that now, he's lots perspective which is why he needed the help. It's all in his mind. Basically it's depression" Harry explains. I'd thought as much myself many times so it's good to hear harry confirm it.

"Do you want me to sit with you whilst you read it?" He asks but I shake my head. This is personal and I'm going to respect that.

"Ok. Well put your number in my phone and I'll give you a ring in an hour - then anything you can't make sense of - I can try to explain?" He suggests handing me his phone. I thank him and type my number in.

He drops me off and walks me to the door as I laugh to myself about what Louis said about not letting him kiss me. I know it's nothing like that and its just Harry being a gentleman but I still can't help but giggle. He hugs me and kisses me on the cheek and says he'll speak to me in an hour. I go inside and go straight to my room, take a deep breath and open the letter. Here goes.

Dear Lauren.
Your letter hit me harder than anything I've ever read about myself before and believe me when i say I've read some pretty nasty stuff about myself over the years. Normally reading these things hurts - but reading your letter literally killed me inside, because you're my fan - and I've hurt you.
I am really, truly sorry for hurting you, for disappointing you and for letting you down and I genuinely don't blame you for hating me right now but honestly, you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself for doing it.

There is no justification for what I did to you and no reasons or excuses will ever be good enough, it was completely disgusting. However I feel like I need to at least try to explain the place my head was in at the time so that maybe you can at least understand.
The last 5 years have been an insane rollercoaster ride and if the truth is to be told - I could have handled it better. The fame, the media, the lack of privacy and the crazy schedule have slowly but surely taken their toll on me and I haven't coped well.
My private life has been controlled by management and manipulated by the media and I'm now not even sure who I am anymore, I've been putting on an act for so long that I've no idea.
I'm sure you've heard conspiracy theories about my friendship with Harry and that im gay or about my son Freddie and about how I'm not really his dad.... theirs truths and lies in both. Ive had to play a role for years and lie about who I really am in order to please management and the media and its ruined my own life and happiness in the process. It was impossible to cope with and I'm ashamed to say I turned to drink and drugs to escape it.
I can't say too much in this letter but I'm hoping that in the future we can sit down and chat properly and I can tell you the story of my life - the real story -and that you'll forgive me for being horrible to you and maybe understand why I was.
I'm glad you wrote the letter because it's made me face up to my deamons and address them - and without doing that i know i would have self destructed. I'm trying my hardest to get better - not just for myself but for you too - but please bear in mind that this has been a long time coming and its been a long way down to this point and it will take time for me to get back up again, but with your support and love I know I can do it.
From the bottom of my heart please know that I love you.

Love always, Louis xxx

The tears flood down my face. He's so messed up. I knew it but to hear him admit it - in his own words - on paper - it just kills me.

I reach for my phone and inbox him on instagram - the only way I know how to contact him. I don't have his number - he has mine.

"I've read it. I just want you to know that I am here for you. I know it can't be easy in your job and I'm not sure I'll ever understand the pressures of your life, but I'll try - and I won't judge. I love you, even if you don't love yourself right now. You're still my idol xx"

I get a reply.

"Check my feed xx"

I click through to his public page. It's the picture of us hugging. The caption reads.

All along she thought i was her idol. It turns out that she's mine.

I sob so loudly my mum comes into my room. I can't explain anything to her. I'm crying too much. She zips Louis jacket up around me and takes my phone out of my hand to look at the picture, and when she reads the caption, she cries too.