xxx

Today feels like some kind of strange alternate reality, Lisa can't help but think.

Because only in a parallel universe would Jennie Kim be seemingly afraid of losing Lisa's friendship. Only in a parallel universe would Lisa feel like she held the power. And Lisa thought that it would take a parallel universe to completely ruin their friendship, to leave it as shredded as it seems to be. The likelihood of that had seemed similar to that of Lisa being abducted by aliens, or leading a rebellion against some tyrant leader. Impossible, improbable, nothing to worry about.

But Lisa is worrying, because she's just not sure what to do. Every word seems wrong, like it doesn't quite fit into the gap in the conversation and every time it seems like their friendship is on the mend, one of them says something that sends them spiralling back to the ruins. Like they're both holding wrecking balls that they can no longer control.

Lisa doesn't voice any of these worries aloud though, instead she smiles at Jennie as if nothing is wrong and for a brief moment Lisa allows herself to believe that nothing is.

The pair are sat outside, using one of their shared frees to work through a bag of crisps and a pile of English homework they've just been given. Little work is being done, instead Lisa finds her gaze lingering on the girl opposite her for just a little bit too long. The weather is just starting to warm up, and the sun only serves to make Jennie's hair begin to glisten golden. Jennie looks up from her work briefly and smiles warmly.

"How's Grandma Grace?" Jennie asks.

"She's good."

"And how's Albert?"

"Well they called off the engagement again," Lisa admits, "but as of this morning it seemed to be back on."

"You seem very sceptical."

"This time was supposed to be different," Lisa points out, "they'd booked a venue and everything, and yet it was still called off."

"Did they cancel the booking?"

"No, everyone was so confident that they'd get engaged again within no time that no-one bothered."

"So it's still going ahead?"

"It seems that way."

"Am I invited?" Jennie says.

"I don't see why not."

To be perfectly honest Lisa can see a thousand reasons why not, mainly revolving around the fact that taking Jennie as her guest to a wedding doesn't seem like the most conductive environment to get over her feelings but Lisa decides that that's a bridge she'll cross when she comes to it.

"Good," Jennie replies, "because I've kind of missed your grandma."

"That's weird."

"And yet true."

"This always happens," Lisa mutters, "people always prefer my grandma to me."

"Perhaps it's because your grandma is so much cooler than you," Jennie tells Lisa teasingly.

The joke falls flat though. Usually the two would jokingly insult each other without a second thought, but it currently doesn't seem as easy as that, perhaps it's because the two of them currently don't really know where they stand. It's a lot easier to jokingly tell someone that you don't want to be friends with them when the two of you are definitely friends.

"Well I suppose I can't deny the truth," Lisa says, trying to keep the same lightness and bounce to her tone as Jennie seems to provide so effortlessly.

Jennie offers Lisa a small smile in reply and Lisa focuses simply on that. And when the feelings all begin to bubble up once again, until Lisa is convinced that they're going to spill over into those three stupid words all over again. Lisa curses her own stupid emotions, tries to dispel them with a certain thought but it's no use. Every time Lisa looks at Jennie, she can still hear her voicing the great big secret aloud.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Lisa wishes that she was one of those people that could switch off their feelings with a second thought, that could separate their crushes from their friendships, could fall in love with someone who wasn't so utterly wrong for them.

But she's not.

Lisa is the kind of person who crushes on anyone who'll give her a chance. Whose feelings flourish as a result of acceptance. Who falls in love with sweetness and reassurance and the feelings of being wanted. Maybe if Jennie wasn't so damn kind then none of this would have happened.

Maybe if Lisa wasn't such a damn idiot then none of this would have happened.

Friends. Just friends. Lisa almost wishes that they could rewind back several weeks, that she could have never asked Jennie out. Or that she could never have agreed to 'see how things went'. But it's easy to say that she shouldn't have made those decisions in retrospect, but Lisa knows that if she was given the chance to make that choice all over again, she'd still end up making the same decisions.

"I'm just kidding," Jennie says Lisa, her tone conveying more seriousness than Lisa might have expected, "you know I'll always be your friend."

"No matter what?"

"Well if you killed my family then we might have to have a few stern words, but I'm sure we could work past it."

"That's it?"

"Well the chances of you breaking the 'sister code' are kind of slim," Jennie tells Lisa lightly, a smile lingering on her face for just a second.

"That's true I suppose," Lisa replies, "but I thought you told Nayeon off for calling you sister."

"Yeah but the 'Female Friends Rulebook' doesn't have quite the same ring to it."

Lisa can't help the small giggle of laughter that escapes her lips, nor can she help the blush that begins to creep across her cheeks either when Jennie looks up at her.

"Well I think our friendship's safe anyway," Lisa says, "I don't have any plans to kill your family."

"That's what all future murderers say, and then they go ahead and do it anyway."

xxx

Jennie is in the middle of writing up a geography essay when Rosè approaches her. The other girl moves quietly, so that Jennie doesn't notice her until Rosé is stood right behind Jennie's chair.

"Can I have a word with you?"

Rosé's voice is clear but Jennie is half tempted to pretend that she can't understand her, maybe that way she won't have to say yes.

"Uhm... sure."

Jennie's not entirely sure what direction Rosé plans on taking this conversation in, but Jennie can't imagine that it's going to be all that good. That being said, Jennie doesn't feel like Rosé knows. If she did, then Jennie is pretty sure she'd have a broken limb by now. That thought is enough to make Jennie sit up a little bit straighter, to make her take the conversation a little bit more seriously.

Jennie feels slightly better when she sees that Rosé is smiling, but then again, Rosé could just be a sadist.

"What's up?"

It's not the question that Jennie was expecting when Rosé sat down next to her and shock briefly flickers across Jennie's features. It all seems so casual, as if Rosé didn't act as if she was about to begin an interrogation.

"What do you mean?"

"Something's bothering you, I don't know what it is but it's obvious there's something you're thinking about, a lot, so what's up?"

"Why do you want to know?"

Jennie doesn't mean for her tone to come across as harsh as it does but she can't help it. This is just such a strange situation for her to be in that she's not entirely sure how to react. Jennie isn't used to people asking her if everything is okay, and the fact that it's Rosé, out of all the possible people, just makes the situation seem even more unnatural.

"I want to make sure you're okay. Look I know it's probably weird and all but I know that whenever something's bothering Lisa she feels better after she's talked about it."

The mention of Lisa must trigger something in Jennie's expression as Rosé raises her eyebrows expectantly, leans back in her seat and lets out a sigh. Her fingers tap out a quick rhythm on the tabletop before she pitches her question.

"Is whatever's bugging you something to do with Lisa?"

"No."

Jennie's tone is obviously not convincing enough as Rosé's eyebrows remain high on her forehead.

"Spill."

"No."

"Fine," Rosé says, "tell me about something else, I need gossip or an interesting fact or something to make this conversation worth it."

"I'm slightly scared of you," Jennie admits, "you can be surprisingly intimidating when you want to be."

"So if I threatened to hit you would you be more inclined to tell me what's wrong?"

"No."

"You don't sound certain."

"It's nothing important, Rosie," Jennie tells Rosé.

"Well can you at least give me a vague idea, I'm worried about you."

It seems that everybody is currently worried about everyone else, but that no one is bothering to worry about themselves. Jennie's worried about Lisa and Rosé's worried about Jennie, maybe if Lisa worries about Rosé then they can form some sort of weird club.

"I'm confused."

It's the first time Jennie has voiced it like that before, and she allows herself to grow accustomed to the feel of the words rolling off of her tongue.

"About?"

"Myself."

Jennie doesn't miss the faint shock that crosses Rosé's face but the other girl quickly schools her features into a more neutral expression.

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not really."

"Can I give you a piece of advice?"

"Go for it."

"Stop being confused," Rosé says. "The one thing that's always seemed weird to me is that we're trying to get rid of labels, trying to make it clear that we can be whoever the hell we want, that the old labels don't fit us. And yet we just seem to be creating new labels, trying to force ourselves into new boxes. And what if we don't fit in them? My question is: why don't we just get rid of the boxes altogether?"

For a moment what Rosé says sounds so simple, sounds just like what Jennie needs to hear. And then Jennie's thoughts come crashing around her. Because it's easy to say we should get rid of the labels, and it's easy for Jennie to then say that she'll follow her heart, not care about whatever other people think. But it's just not that easy.

Jennie is sick of people telling her to just be who she is, because Jennie has absolutely no idea any more. Her feelings are too conflicted, her thoughts too tainted by her own preconceptions that she just doesn't know what to do anymore.

Jennie Kim is scared. More scared than she'll ever admit aloud. More scared than she'll admit even to herself.

Jennie Kim is scared that she's screwed things up with Lisa forever. Jennie Kim is scared that she's missed her chance, that by not figuring out how she feels in time she's lost her one shot at proving to Lisa that maybe she could like her back. Jennie Kim is scared of being hurt. Jennie Kim is scared that people are going to leave her. Jennie Kim is scared of what other people think.

Jennie Kim is a little bit scared of herself.

And so it's easy to say screw labels, just be who you want to be. But Jennie doesn't even know who the person she wants to be even is anymore. She doesn't know who she is right now, and that's the scariest thing of all.

Jennie wants to figure out what the hell she wants, she wants to figure out her feelings, she wants a break from all of this.

Most of all, Jennie Kim wants to be happy.