yeah it's that chap ;-;

graphic throwing up! for emetephobic people,, i'll give a warning :)
i don't think it's bad but i wouldn't want to accidentally trigger someone just in case
♡ ♡ ♡

y/n sat down at the informal dining table with a bowl full of ramen that she actually managed to make averagely, and pressed the power button to the tv.

"we're ho-ome!" mitsuki and masaru opened the front door and started taking off their shoes.

"welcome!" y/n grinned.

"watcha got there?" masaru set his briefcase down and walked past y/n to the kitchen.

"ramen~"

"ooh~ making food without burning down the house, i see." mitsuki followed masaru.

"don't even." y/n snickered.

"i'm just joking, darling!" mitsuki cackled. "what're ya watching?"

"i'm not sure i just turned it on.." y/n fumbled with the remote as she got up for some water.

"we interrupt our regularly scheduled program with breaking news."

y/n paid no attention to the tv as she filled her glass up with ice and water, taking a sip as she held the remote.

"you guys want to watch something?" she held the remote out.

"u.a. students have been attacked by villains during a training exercise. the details are unknown, but it seems as though the students are let off with minor injuries and one student kidnapped. more details as we learn further, but look out for suspicious figures with.. the winner of u.a's sports festival, bakugou katsuki."

y/n almost dropped the glass of water in her hand, as all three people stared in shock at the tv. she set down the glass and remote gently, holding her stomach.

she felt sick. like she was on an incredibly fast carousel with no sense of where she was. her head repeated those same words in her head like a broken record, and she looked around.

"not again, not again." she mumbled as she grasped her chest. "not again."

she started taking big breaths because she felt like she was suffocating. everywhere she looked was a blur and she couldn't focus on any one thing.

she shut her eyes to try and make it stop. she pressed her palms on her ears to make the thoughts stop echoing.

she didn't realize she was crying until she'd looked at herself in the bathroom after running there to relieve her nausea.

god, her complexion had lost all of its warmth, the only color there from the rubbing on her face and mascara running.

"you have to calm down, baby." mitsuki's voice sounded far away, like y/n had no control over her body and she was just watching everything go to shit through someone else's eyes.

she didn't feel like herself, she didn't even know who she was.

! graphic throwing up !

y/n grasped her stomach and spilled her guts into the toilet, mitsuki holding back her hair as a mixture of tears and vomit mixed together.

she felt it coming up her throat which only worsened her breathing.

she could feel all of her regrets and shame building up as she retched into the toilet, curling up on the bath mat.

! over !

how was she supposed to breath, how does she breath, can she breath?

"masaru get an inhaler or something!"

y/n closed her eyes and tried to think about anything except katsuki. anything except him being kidnapped by villains.

but she couldn't.

she'd felt this feeling so many times before, she's had terrible panic attacks before so she should just get over it already. she begged.

"no inhaler—call an ambulance or something!"

she felt someone's hand caressing her face and patting her head.

"it's okay, lovely. katsuki's going to be okay."

"you don't know tha-at." she managed to slur out.

she lifted herself up again rapidly to throw up again.

her arms shook from trying to hold her body up as mitsuki held her hair and tried to support her.

"he'll be fine. the heroes will save him. katsuki will live."

"you don't know that!" she lifted herself from the toilet.

"that's just your nerves making you believe the worst possible scenario. y/n, heroes will rescue him. you'll be okay. katsuki will be okay."

y/n scratched at her skin. she felt hot, she felt cold, she felt suffocated. she pulled on her hair and bit on her cheeks until mitsuki trapped her hands in her own.

she heaved in a couple times and came back to reality for a moment to see mitsuki full of tears.

"selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish." y/n repeated absentmindedly as she stared at the ground.

the thoughts in her head repeated and swirled until she calmed her breathing. she seemed like a completely different person from her normal self, or even her panicky self, face blank and eyes empty.

"y/n?"

"yeah."

"a-are you okay?" mitsuki let go of y/n's hands.

y/n stayed quiet, taking deep breaths every couple moments and wiped her face.

"yeah. i'm good." she spoke monotonously.

"we called an ambulance..you're staying in the hospital tonight, okay?"

"..i can't."

"y/n, you're unstable right now."

"but i can't. i have to be happy for katsuki to come back. i can't take away his trauma. i'll be good. i'll be good so he can be happy."

mitsuki's heart ripped apart at y/n's words.

"who told you you needed to be happy for him? he loves you the way you are.."

"nobody can love a selfish girl. not one who dresses like i do or wears as much makeup as i do. nobody loves someone that drags them down."

"did katsuki tell that to you??"

"no." y/n stayed in her own world and leaned against the bathtub.

"then who?"

"does it matter? it's the truth anyway. i'm a selfish whore. i need to be okay for katsuki to come back."

"it matters, honey. you aren't selfish. you aren't a whore. you're beautiful. who said that to you?"

"s/d/n."

mitsuki growled.

"i know i hate him a lot, but only because i know what he says is true. i can only be good when i'm not dressed like a slut. good girls only get good grades and aren't selfish. they don't seek attention and they follow orders."

"y/n that's not true! you're following exactly the way he wants you to react! baby, you're not selfish. you're not a slut or a whore."

"good girls don't drive their dad to suicide."
y/n held her head in her hands.

"you didn't, baby he was depressed for a long time! it wasn't your fault."

"mitsuki, the ambulance is here!" masaru came into the bathroom.

"y/n, we have to go." mitsuki brought an derationalized and absentminded y/n up.

"only powerful and cool girls can be with katsuki." is the only thing she said before being dragged into the ambulance.

♡ ♡ ♡
i re-did this chap a couple times because i have no idea how to write 😀😀

++y/n's sort of deranged thoughts come from her trauma of her dad's suicide, her mother's depression, and her step-dad's emotional abuse, so please don't b insensitive! everyone has their unresolved issues and y/n blamed herself for them instead of holding the other people accountable. (which is not healthy pls understand when others r at fault even if u rly like them!)

:)