It takes one moment to hate who you are,

and a lifetime to remember how to love

yourself again.

This is the most important war.

-Erin Van Vuren

***

A shadow stands over me. Darkness clings to his face, obscuring the features of him from my sight, but his voice tells me who it is.

Grandjay whispers to the room, not knowing that I am awake. I am awake and listening to him as he stands over my damaged body.

"Soraya. Soraya. Wake up. Soraya."

He waits. I can see the debate in his limbs as a stiffness comes over the air. Instincts telling me he is deciding if he can touch me to make me open my eyes.

I know I would be able to handle the pain if he does. So I speak.

"Grandjay."

My voice is rough. It scrapes against my throat, raw and low, dragged out against my will from the reluctance of opening my eyes to cast away the darkness.

He sighs, stepping into my eyesight.

"I heard."

I don't want to ask what he heard. His eyes sweep over me. They take in my body, the bandages that wrap it, the casts that hold it. The tubes that connect into me, dripping and easing away the pain. Goddess, the pain.

"They want to send you there."

I don't want to ask where.

I just want to sleep. I just want him to leave.

He must be able to see it in my eyes. He meets my gaze, holding it as he leans further in.

"I won't let them."

I chill runs down my body, nothing related to the pain of my injured spine. It was his voice. His voice that held danger I had never heard before from Grandjay. Sweet grandjay.

"I've seen the wolves that go there. I've seen them. I've sent them there. But you..." He shakes his head, "you don't belong there."

"Where?"

He doesn't answer. He only moves closer, a heaviness coming over him.

"Atlas wants to send you there. Maybe he's right. Maybe he's right to think that but you shouldn't...you don't belong there..."

"Where Grandjay. I don't belong where?"

He stops, realization coming over him. He wasn't talking to me in those moments. His eyes sweep back over me. I wish I could pull away from him as he presses against the side of the bed. Grandjay never came to close. He never was a wolf who wanted much contact. This was not normal. This sense of urgency and desperation was not normal.

"That pack. That pack. You don't belong in that pack. I've seen the wolves that go there. I know what they are like."

I know what he is talking about now.

That pack.

There was only one pack.

My heart speeds up. Dad. Dad wanted to send me there. Send me there...

"Maybe I do belong there..." I whisper, "I'm broken."

And then Grandjay turn to face me fully. I see a black fire in his eyes as a darkness descends into his features. A look I never knew Grandjay was capable of as he says, "You think you're broken?"

His eyes haunt me with the hollow pain that fills them as he whispers, "Soraya, you child. You don't even know what that word means."

*   *   *

A knock wakes me. It's urgent- the quick raps upon the door telling me to answer quickly.

"Alpha. Alpha wake up. Alpha."

I don't stop to think as I run from the bed to throw the door open.

Rex stands outside it, face flushed. He steps back from the suddenness, but quickly catches my arm, pulling me away.

"Quickly Alpha, we got one."

I don't have time to ask what he means. I'm to busy following him, trying to keep up with his movement. It takes me several seconds to register the scraping noise behind me. I can only glance back and see Orion running, his paws sliding across the wooden floor as he attempts to stay with me.

When we're outside, the questions leave my mind. I see it there, in the middle of the front yard.

A body.

Others are running, quick in their actions. They know what to do. The movement around me is not one of chaos. It's precise. It's thought out.

It's planned.

They know what they are doing.

I don't.

I slowly walk towards him, falling to my knees to cradle his head.

He's young. So young.

Another female comes up next to me, bandages in her hand, but looking at the male, I wonder if it will help.

His eyes come up to meet mine.

He smiles.

"You're pretty."

"Th-thank you."

His eyes are glazed. I see a film of dreams over his pain as he slips back to escape his reality.

The woman still is trying to stop the bleeding from his lower body. Where his mangled legs laid.

"Horrible. Horrible that they didn't treat him first. Only the lowest pack, the lowest one-," the woman beside me is crying. I watch her tears fall, as if this moment is in slow motion. Each drop landing into place along the male's skin.

"Alpha! Alpha you need to move!"

And then I'm shoved away.

I don't act out from the sudden force. I lay there, stunned. My mind is still whirling. I can't seem to grasp what I've seen.

I knew of death.

I knew of pain.

But this...

This cruelty.

This was an old wound that I wanted to forget.

They move him, carrying him away. I hear Rex yell after me, calling for me to follow.

But I still can't seem to move.

I feel softness tickle my side.

Orion licks the side of my face, pulling my attention to his wide grey eyes.

"He won't make it."

I can see the deep folds of sorrow beginning to surface from the grey.

"There was so much..." I look down to realize the word stained my hand. Orion nudges me, pushing my side. I stare at him, watching his efforts. Screams can be heard in the distance. They had pulled the male away from his dreams to face his pain of reality.

"You're right," I whisper.

I stand then, and together, Orion and I run to the building where the screaming could be heard.

*   *   *

Various pack members sit scattered outside. Some hang their heads, tired from the effort that had been drawn out during the night. Others are fully awake, staring into the distance with wide, unblinking eyes. As if they don't want to close them. They will do anything, to keep those eyes from closing.

I sit against the house, Orion's head resting in my lap. The rhythmic stroke of his fur soothes me.

Rex slowly approaches and sits beside me, his eye watching the movement of my hand as it goes up and down Orion's fur.

There is silence between us until he speaks, "It's not always like that."

I nod. My voice had left me. During the night, it felt as if it had been transferred into the male's screaming. As if I were him, I was his pain. I was his voice as it clawed out into the night, demanding to be heard by the world for the sins of men that had been done to me.

Rex leans his head back, closing his eyes against the rising morning.

"Usually we get a call. Then we get them. Or they bring them. Majority of the time we get them. Once a wolf becomes useless, the pack no longer feels the need to be a part of its life."

"And when it's like this..."

Rex's eyes open. He turns his head to meet my gaze. Together we look at each other. A connection is felt in me as I stare into his tired smile.

"At least they made the effort to bring him."

I don't ask him to explain more, but he does.

"Don't be angry Alpha. Sometimes the pack doesn't have a pack doctor. Pack doctors already have a lot to deal with. They don't...they don't want to waste their supplies and medical skills on lost causes- wolves who, when healed, won't contribute to the dynamic of the pack anymore."

"I know."

He stares at me, looking for something. I keep his gaze, letting him search until he found it.

His eyes go back to Orion.

"He would have gone here."

I smile at that.

"I know."

Rex continues to watch Orion. I can feel the way Orion is breathing. He is asleep. Tired from these long months of being in the woods malnourished.

"I didn't act like an Alpha."

Rex laughs, "You actually did. Everyone was watching you. They thought you were going to run. And then you came into that room and just-," he shakes his head, smiling down at me, "you acted like an Alpha."

He holds his hand out. I stare at it, unsure of what he means with the gesture.

He sighs, smiling and shaking his head, before taking my free hand.

"You did good today Alpha."

*   *   *

I wake up in the bed. My body tenses, unsure of how it got there. Slowly I turn around, finding the space beside me empty.

"Morning."

His voice startles me to sit up quickly and find it.

He's clothed. Fully dressed and standing in the doorway to the bathroom.

His hair is pulled back and brushed.

Beard trimmed.

"You-you um...you look..." I suddenly feel flustered, a heat rising in the back of my neck and cheeks as he watches me.

"Clean?"

"Yes," I breath a sigh of relief at the offered word, "Clean. Yes. That's what I was going to say."

He shrugs, walking back into the bathroom. I hear the sink running.

Slowly I get out of the bed, inching to where he stood.

"What happened..."

Orion splashes water on his face. He looks up, letting our gaze meet in the mirror.

"He made it through the night."

I nod, feeling my shoulders fall back in relief.

"You fell asleep while we were waiting."

"Ah," I look back at the bed, "I guess Rex took me back?"

Orion turns the sink off and shakes his head, letting the water fall away from his skin before he moves to face me.

"No. I did."

I'm to shocked to say a word as I watch him walk out.

*   *   *

Rex is waiting for me downstairs.

"Couple of things for the agenda today Alpha."

I nod wearily, still exhausted from what seemed like a long night.

He looks around, searching for something.

"Where's your mate?"

"He should be down soon."

Rex shrugs, "I'm a busy man Alpha. I can't wait all day."

From the corner of my eye, I see a shuffling movement. The male I had seen the other day is there.

Rex sees me staring. He turns his head, gaze curious at what I'm looking at before he sees it and smiles.

"Bram, have you met Alpha?"

The male in the other room stiffens. I can see the tension rolling off his shoulders in waves as he shrinks back in on himself.

Something clicks in my chest. That reaction. I knew that reaction. I had seen it before.

"Yes."

I can barely hear his voice. He doesn't approach any further.

Rex sighs impatiently, walking towards Bram. He softly grabs his arm, whispering urgently to him.

I awkwardly stand there, watching as they argue with each other. Finally, Rex runs his hands through his hair, frustration clear in his stance. Though he is angry, he stops and kisses Bram's forehead, holding his face close to his to say something else before stepping back.

"He's not feeling well."

I have to fight back my smile at the flat tone in Rex's voice. The obvious lie.

But I don't push it or say anything as the door closes to block Bram from my sight.

I hear footsteps on the stairs then. Rex huffs impatiently, "finally."

Even with the noise of Orion's footsteps, Rex still looks taken aback.

His head tilts up, and I realize that Orion is taller. Rex's eyes almost hold...fear. I had forgotten how Orion seemed to others. The wildness that clung to him. The scent of danger and something untamed. A savage aura that haunted his skin. Orion had the scent of the wolf while wearing the clothes of a man.

"You're...the mate?"

Orion's head tilts to the side, gazing down at Rex.

He sticks his hand out.

"I'm Orion."

Rex pushes against me as we walk outside, "Alpha, what the hell."

"What?" my tone was defensive as we followed Rex to wherever he was leading us.

"You're mate is...he's a...I don't have a word for it but I've seen his type before."

"What type do you think that is?" I asked sharply. Rex pulls back, aware suddenly of my tone.

"I was wrong. He wouldn't have been sent here. We wouldn't have taken even that."

My hands are lashing out before I can even think.

Rex chokes, air blocked off from the suddenness of my grip as it pushes him against the nearest wall.

Any who are watching freeze in their actions to watch.

I'm transported back to another time.

Another time.

When had this happened before?

The woods.

The woods with the wolves.

As I gaze at the fearful faces, I see the flashes of the wolves coming back into my mind. Wolves did not think of violence first. Not those wolves in the woods. They only sought protection. Peace. Maintaining the balance and order of their life.

I feel Orion's hand touch my back. Tracing the curved line.

I let go of Rex.

He gasps, holding his throat.

Air is still wheezing back into his lungs as he laughs and shakes a finger at me.

"Bad Alpha," his coughs, still clinging to his chest and airway, "very bad."

"..s...sorry."

Rex stands, fully inhaling. "What I said wasn't wrong Alpha."

His eyes gleam to Orion.

Orion steps forward in front of me. Rex looks confused by my startled gaze, but his focus soon is on Orion as he leans forward and whispers, "I only need to be accepted by one person."

He steps back, face becoming unreadable as he looks to me.

I hold my hand out, extending it to him.

He takes it, a smile curving his lips.

"Urgh, you two." Rex pushes off the wall, walking away and shaking his head.

"Follow me Alpha."

He leads us to an empty clearing in the middle of the houses.

"This is yours."

"Um..." I look around at the space, "thank you."

Rex laughs, "it's yours if you accept the position."

"I thought I already did," I said, confused.

Rex's eyes narrow in a calculating way.

"You did. But I need to be sure."

He holds out a cellphone.

"Call them."

I stare at device. I know what he is asking me. But he still pushes the object into my hands, curling my fingers around and says, "Tell them. Tell them you no longer are the Alpha of the Alba Rosa Pack."

I'm going to apologize again for how long you guys are waiting for updates...My goal is to just finish the story and then post updates (so multiple updates *gasp*!) That way if there are any differences or changes/errors that are found and need to be adjusted, I can do that with the ending of the story there to match instead of causing confusion. 

Stay patient! And thank you for waiting!