Part III

...but now it's her mantra

she is stronger now than she was

and more focused on her needs...

***

The back porch door flew open.

My head snapped up at the sound, alertness coming into me as I took in the sight of the running figure, fleeing from the house.

Eagerness flooded into me as I quickly stood and followed it.

I couldn't tell where we were going. The path that I followed was shredded from the chaos of swinging arms and hurried pace.

It was easy to track him down until he stopped. I paused, tensing as I watched him from the cover of the low hanging trees.

Steam came from his shoulders as the heat of his body rose against the cold air. His heavy breaths came out to fast. A sharp inhale was taken in. Shoulders shook, and for a second, I wondered if it was in the act of crying.

He turned abruptly in my direction, eyes blazing to meet mine. I froze, looking at his face. There was no sign of sorrow as I thought there may be. Nothing to indicate that he was breaking...

"Go away Soraya."

I stepped out of the trees, my cover useless.

"What's wrong?"

Vincent glared down at me, his lips curling into a fierce scowl.

"Nothing. Leave me alone."

I leaned forward, standing upon the tips of my toes to move as close as I could without taking a visible step. He still continued to glare at me, waiting for me to leave.

"Let's fight- get your mind off of whatever it is."

"Soraya- I swear if you don't leave I-,"

He doesn't finish. He takes a step closer, something dark flashing on his face.

It was just a few weeks ago that Vincent had gone through his first shift. I had seen it.

It was awe-inspiring- something I would never forget. Dad looked proud at him. He helped him through it, yelling and encouraging. He and Grandjay both were there. They both congratulated him and looked at him. It had caused a sense of longing in me.

"Let me see you shift! Please!"

He takes another step closer.

Something catches my attention as Vincent stares intensely at me. He had never paid this much attention to me for this long. When we were younger, I would be able to bait him into fighting. But as he got older, the teasing worked less and less. Rarely did he give in anymore.

"Could you at least tell me what it's like?"

He doesn't say a word. He still is staring at me, as if trying to figure something out.

I grow impatient with his silence.

"Why did you come out here?" A sudden thought hits me, "are you training?"

He stiffens as I laugh at the thought.

"I'm training too!"

Vincent growls. The sound unnerved me. It was something he did often to every small thing that bothered him. Something he did now that he had fully integrated into his wolf.

"It won't make a difference," Vincent said.

"It will."

Vincent grins evilly at me, "Dad won't even let you in the training ground."

I flinch at the point he always made known.

His smile widens as he watches.

My anger flares.

"I can be Alpha. I will be A-,"

"-I will be Alpha." He mimics in a baby voice, a laughter following.

We glare at each other, at an impasse. We always seemed to reach this point. A tremble runs up his arms. Something about the movement gives me courage.

"I watch you outside of training when you fight. You lose a lot."

"Shut up."

I move closer, pushing his shoulder roughly. He moves back, letting a growl loose within the air.

"You lose. An Alpha doesn't lose."

"Shut. Up."

Another shove.

"You can't lead a pack."

He moves past me, but I block his path, holding my arms out.

"Let me fight you. I bet you'll lose. I bet you won't win and then we'll see who the real leader is we'll see-,"

"Shut the fuck up Soraya," his breathes are coming out in pants, his hands raised to run through his hair and cling to his head as he shakes his head. "Be quiet."

I smile as I watch him losing focus.

"I bet you're scared of me. Scared because you know I'm better and you-,"

He yells in my face. His hands grab the collar of my shirt. The shirt rips, the hands find flesh and I see a flash of his face.

It was twisted in agony, distorted in pain as skin fought against fur. Teeth elongated to canines and I felt the scrape of twisted nails against my neck.

There was a feeling of being weightless.

Like I was flying.

Feeling nothing under me or over- nothing but air as I fell.

And then pain.

*   *   *

"Alpha, are these the mountains?"

I stare ahead at the looming figures before of us.

"Yes."

Rex sighs next to me in relief. I shift uneasily beside him, knowing that the real reason he had accompanied me was to make sure I didn't run away.

He didn't like being away from the pack- neither did I.

The conflict in my heart had only grown as I fought to decide which pack that was.

We continue trudging forward. The season was growing into summer, spring melting away to warmth. Even so, there still were patches of snow here and there. Rex cursed silently under his breath as his foot slipped into one such patch.

"Where is this mysterious mate? Hurry up and grab him so we can go."

I can't help but laugh at Rex's impatience. Even with his own mate, he didn't have a concept of taking the thoughts and feelings of others struggles into consideration. A selfish beta- one that had good intentions.

I push back the image of Henry's face, guilt making me not want to dwell on it.

We continue walking in silence until Rex grunts out a question.

"I didn't know you had a mate."

"No?"

He shrugs, limp becoming more noticeable now as we walked deeper into the forest.

"The rumors I heard around you all said you were a...mmmhh...lone wolf?"

"In a way that's true."

Rex smiles, "well we each have our personalities."

Rex stares forward into the woods, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Why are we going into the woods again?"

I shrug. Rex had been all too willing to help me in my "request" until he heard the travel that entailed behind it. Then his complaining had begun. It grew as I kept details out. I didn't want to explain why we were going into the forest. Why I would find what I was looking for there. Why it was there in the first place.

Rex, however, had been persistent.

"We'll go further in, but then I need you to stay in place for a couple of hours."

"Hell if I am Alpha."

"I'm not going to run."

He eyes me with mistrust. I feel the irony that this was the same male who was asking me to lead his pack.

"I promise," I said, holding my hand up in a show of my pledge.

He continues to side eye me until I sigh and stop.

He stumbles at the abrupt halt.

I turn to him, startling him back a few steps.

"Look Rex. In that forest-" I point to the woods, "is my mate. I'm going to try to convince him to come back with me-," my voice breaks at the last few words. Rex's eyebrows raise in astonishment at the show of weakness but I ignore it.

"I want you to stay away because when I see him I plan to beg, cry, plead- anything I can think of to make him come back to me."

Rex is still, his eyes wide as if he is seeing me for the first time.

"Why did he leave?"

It's an insensitive question. Rex is an insensitive person though. He only wanted facts and reason.

"Because I made him."

He raises a skeptical eyebrow. I turn away from him and exhale, feeling that same bleeding wound upon my heart as I whisper, "because I took away the one thing he wanted."

I turn back to his baffled expression.

"But that's where you come in. The pack I mean. I think it can- I can- we can-," I stop my rambling.

Rex shrugs then. He steps back and spreads his arms forward.

"Alright then Alpha. Go and get him."

The next hour I walk alone in silence.

Occasionally I look behind to make sure Rex was not following. I would raise my face to the air, letting the breeze carry the different scents with it. I knew where they were. I had known for several hours now. It was faint but there, the underlying trace of the wild coming from the roots to the ground up.

The steps of the animals imprinted such a lingering smell upon the earth. I knew but still took a roundabout way, trying to push off the encounter.

Until I couldn't. Until there was nothing standing in the way anymore and I started to hear the first sounds of the wolves.

I stopped and leaned against the closest tree, closing my eyes and trying to listen to the different yaps. Trying to hear if I could distinguish one from the other- one sound in particular.

But I couldn't. Nothing stuck out to me and I wondered vaguely if the bond had shattered. If I would walk up and find nothing but an animal staring blankly at me, with no feelings of recognition behind those steel grey eyes.

No man in the background to take ahold of the body and mind.

Just the take over of the wild, coming and invading the thoughts until there were no thoughts but only instincts.

My chest tightened at the route of my mind. I clung to it, fear leaking from every pore in my body.

Could they smell it? They had to. There was no way they could miss the overwhelming scent of fear and panic coming from me.

My breaths were coming out short. To short. Short and fast until it was hard to catch any breath at all. The tree I was leaning against seemed more solid and real than anything else.

A few seconds more. Just a few more seconds and then I would go and look. I felt my knees give out then as my hand tightened around my chest.

Fur fought against skin, and with panic, I realized my body was naturally conditioned to do this. I was undergoing a stressor, a warning signal going off within me somewhere that something was not right. My mind was shutting down, letting my body take over with it. Trying to bring some protection to me in my weakness as I clawed desperately for air.

I looked up to the sky, vision blurry against the haze of grey that shone above. Were those dark clouds or just spots in my sight? I couldn't tell.

I felt the bark under my hands. My nails gripped into the texture, clamping down and pulling from the skin of the tree to force me into standing. I staggered forward.

A weezed laughter left me at how weak I was becoming when I had not even seen him yet. I hadn't even laid eyes on him and then-

I was.

The trees cleared around me. The wolves were spread out in a clearing before me.

One wolf, who I would recognize anywhere, was standing apart from the others, his nose raised to the air in alarm- head turning dangerously in every direction until finally landing on me.

And then he froze.

I didn't though. I continued to move, continued to trudge forward.

I held up a hand, "Wait."

It was not the welcome I wanted to give, but my breath had yet to come back to me and I still did not know what I would say. The wolf patiently sat down, eyes not leaving me as I pushed air back into my lungs.

The other wolves had scattered. They had immediately run into the coverage of the forest, seeking shelter from the foreign prey. They wouldn't recognize me after these long months.

I finally lift my head and stare down at him.

I wanted to do a lot of things.

Scream. Cry. Beg. Throw my arms around him and inhale his scent that I had missed. Demand for him to shift or even shift myself and join him in the wild.

So many options.

And out of all of them, I stood up straight, raised my head and laughed.

I heard a startled bark come from him. He had skittered away, shocked at the sudden behavior. His grey eyes were wide and watchful, a trace of confusion in them on what I was doing.

"I'm sorry I'm just- I just- I'm so happy to see you."

My words unfreeze him. Slowly, a wolf-like smile begins to creep onto his face. Small but there. His shoulders hunch over, rolling down to bring his head closer to the ground.

My laughter soon dissolves though as our eyes lock together. I move closer to him, inching forward like how a predator would to prey. Not wanting to startle or scare away.

He sits back down, waiting until I finally reach him.

I extend my hand out. It stays there in the open. The limb is shaking. I can't stop the movement of the limb as I watch his gaze linger on it.

Slowly, he leans his head forward, letting his tongue wrap around my fingers. I move closer, reaching to stroke his head. His back. The fur along his chest and front legs. He closes his eyes, a humming noise leaving him as he leans further into me.

"Orion."

His name whispered through my lips brings those grey eyes back into the open.

"I missed you."

A cracking noise issues from his back. The popping sensation of limbs realigning and merging together. His arms wrap around me, wild hair brushing my cheek and neck as his scent invades my nose.

"I missed you too," he mumbles, head still buried deep in the corner of my neck. We stand there on our knees for a long time, not breaking away from the other.

His touch burns me in a way I had forgotten. I pull him closer, as close as I can. The barrier of skin was the only thing to stop me from merging him to my soul, but holding me there, I could feel his arms tighten. I could feel as his lips brushed along my neck- his mark- cheek brushing my own, fingers rising to trace my face and take in the long missed details.

I pull back as well, feeling a sorrow inside me as I take in the shadowed eyes and hallowed in cheeks. Orion looked much the same as when I first stumbled across him. Bones could be seen through skin, sticking in a way that was obviously unhealthy and malnourished. Only a couple of weeks had gone by, but he had taken his body and dragged it through the woods with no regard for the consequences.

We both raise and remain silent. I know he won't be the one to break the silence. But I don't know what to say. Or more...I don't know how to say what I want to say. How to find the courage to say it.

"Forgive me."

He doesn't look startled. On the contrary, I see a trace of a smile behind his beard. As if he were expecting those words from me.

He shrugs his shoulders, raising his hands to pull then through his hair.

"I have."

"Tell me." I was begging, but it wasn't the begging Rex would think of when trying to win back your mate. I was begging for my soul, knowing he was the only one who could restore it back to me. Knowing because he himself was the very essence of it.

His grey eyes harden over, sharpening into something serious as he whispers, "Soraya. I forgive you."

I exhale, feeling tears come to my eyes at the words I needed to hear.

It's his next words he whispers, that send drops to run down my face.

"And you? Do you forgive yourself?"

I shake my head, opening them to find Orion's knowing gaze. He looks across the woods, eyes searching for the wolves that had long left him.

"I had time to think. To much time, but time. I forgave myself."

"What could you possibly be at fault for?" I laugh, a bitter sound buried beneath my tears.

He turns to me, face burning with an agony I never noticed before.

"I failed as a mate. I failed as a father. I couldn't protect my own child, I couldn't protect my mate. And it was my own selfish desires that led to such a thing in the first place when I had already told you that I was fine with just you. I was content with just me and you and then I did that to your body. I put you in that position."

His long stream of words startled me. But then the meaning behind them hit me.

"You failed? You did nothing wrong, Orion! It was me! I had that choice of choosing between a family of my own or the family of the pack and I chose...I thought I could have both and when it came down to deciding when I realized I couldn't have my dream of getting all of it- I chose...I chose the pack," I didn't fight against my tears anymore. As useless as they were, I couldn't stop them. Maybe I had been holding them back for so long, that the dam had finally burst. I reflected back to the day when I cried in front of Schulman. When I broke down in front of him and felt nothing but sympathy and love.

Orion stares at me wide-eyed before he finally shakes his head.

"Should there be someone at fault?"

"Me!" I point to myself, "if you need someone to hate or blame, choose me!"

I quickly realized that this was not the way to win back your mate. This was not how I would get Orion to come back with me.

But then the awful truth surfaced in my mind as I thought through all his words. The reason why I had been so scared.

Because part of me had already accepted that I would be walking back through the woods alone.

Orion shakes his head, "Soraya, why did you come here."

I swallow thickly, wiping furiously at my tears.

"I came because I'm..." I stare down at the ground, wondering how to word all I had gone through since he left.

"I'm lost," I spoke in a weak, tired voice.

He looks at me in confusion, head turning to the side, mouth opening to answer but I cut him off.

"I'm lost on what to do."

I inhaled deeply then, and begin to explain it all. The pack and their attitude. The arrival of Alpha Theon and Sandra. Rex. The offer. Coming to find him.

He does not move as I retell my events. He only crosses his arms, staring at the ground the whole time. As I conclude my story, his eyes lift up to greet me.

"Are you going to take it?"

"I don't know!" I move closer to him, grabbing his hand. The connection of skin sent a shiver through me. I saw his flesh rise, small bumps appearing along his arm.

"Should I? We could...I could give you what you wanted if I did."

Orion stares into the forest. I squeeze his hand, trying to draw his attention back to me. Away from the wild. Away from the wolves. He turns to face me, a sad smile on his face.

"Do you want that?"

"What?"

"That. Another attempt at it, but really, do you want..." he is silent a few moments, gathering his strength before he whispers, "a child."

I had not thought of that. My mind had been so focused on Orion. Getting back Orion. Making Orion want to be back with me, to see me as less of a demon, less of a monster.

But then that underlying question was still there.

Even if I could give him what he wanted, did I want to give it to him?

I didn't know the truth.

"I...I want you..." I whisper, clasping his hand with both of mine, "I want you. Please, Orion, I've seen the effect that happens when I don't have you and I...I'm nothing. I'm a shell of anger and pain."

I don't look at him. I don't want to see his eyes that are staring probably at the woods.

"I promise, I won't harm you. Not like I did before," my voice was slowly cracking, breaking with each word, "I won't hurt you like I did. I'll make you so...so damn happy." I look up to meet his grey eyes.

He lowers his head, letting our foreheads kiss.

A shuddered sigh leaves him at the contact. I close my eyes, trying to absorb the feel of him before I was pushed away. Like the early days when Orion and I sat on the ledge, watching the wolves below. I had given him a choice, asking him who he would be with. He had followed me, unaware of the pain and suffering I would wreck to his soul.

Now, given the same choice, with all his facts known and wiser from it, I knew what he would choose.

"Let's go home."

My eyes fly open in astonishment as he looks down at me, grinning.

"What- but-,"

"Soraya. I thought I needed to say this only once. But I have to remind you- You."

He cups my head within his hands, moving closer to breathe life back into me with his words as he whispers, "you are my pack."

Thoughts on the song? 

*virtual hug* 

Love you guys