And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself

Because I could find no language

to describe them in

-Jane Austen

***

Orion was not good at hiding the secret.

It wasn't his fault.

I knew that much was true later, as I felt my head sink into my hands. The office was silent. Blissfully silent. The night sky reflected back my somber mood as both the stars and moon hid away.

Slowly the door to the office pushed itself open. The large tan wolf head peaked from around the corner, grey eyes guiltily staring at me.

I glare back at him, crossing my arms and leaning into the chair, "I'm still angry."

He slinks into the office, ears down, tail dropping and belly to the ground. The sight did make me smile, but I tried hard to repress it as his tongue darted out to wrap apologetically around my fingers.

"Don't give me that look." Puppy eyes were slowly emerging. He knew they would always win me over in our fights.

His head raises, a hopeful expression coming through him as he looks up to me.

I spread my arms out. It's the signal he needs to jump into my embrace. He's too large though. Definitely not an animal that should be fitted into one's lap. He scrambles into me, hind legs trying to find some grip to keep close.

Slowly we settle in. My legs are propped up, stretching to allow him enough room to lay upon me.

He sighs, warmth hitting my face as his jaws open in a silent pant.

It's without thinking that my hand goes up to stroke his head.

Those grey eyes close in contentment, a small hum forming in the back of his throat at the contact.

We lay there for a long time.

"They can't find out Orion."

His head doesn't move. I look down, thinking he might have fallen asleep, but grey stares intensely back at me, taking in every word I say.

"They can't know...It's just the way things are."

A low whine leaves his jaw. A whine of deep regret. I laugh at the sound.

"I know. "

His eyes close again, as we resume our silence.

I reflect back to the previous day, and Orion's actions.

The sudden bursts of excitement, his contagious smile. The change in personality- no longer was he hiding or shying away from others- but instead rushing up to them in his child-like way. It was obvious something had happened. And it was obvious from his actions, that he was happy.

Already I was receiving odd looks from the pack. Members who whispered, and women who pointed.

Males lifted their heads in the air, trying and failing to scent out a difference.

It was a thin string that I walked upon. And any moment it could snap.

So much information was being pushed on me now from both grandma and mom.

Strain is not good, Soraya.

You need to eat better.

Sleep more.

Let Orion be near you.

Hold him. Embrace him. Be next to him.

It's all good for the-

Orion was asleep now. The soft snores of his rest carried up to my ears. I watched him, smiling silently at the random twitches from his nose and paws.

*    *     *

He wouldn't be happy with me. None of them would be. But it had to be done.

Rhett's shoulder cracks out and back in, the noise intimidating those who heard it.

"Skin or Fur?"

"Skin. I like this shirt."

He smiles, the banter of the excuse all he needs to not think deeply about my choice. Or maybe I was wrong. The dark eyes saw through it all. Maybe I was fooling myself into believing I could deceive them about something for so long.

Dangerous, Soraya.

It's not long.

I didn't expect it to be long.

It a fight of skill, not blood or emotion. We hold no malice for each other and instead train with the thought of observing. Of learning.

Rhett is fast. He's strong. But there is a shift in our power that leaves him behind. A link in our blood that allows for me to be the victor as I stand over him.

It doesn't last long. Most fights don't. There wasn't enough sense or stamina to draw a battle out for an unneeded amount of time.

"Very good. I wonder sometimes why you didn't fight Atlas."

My heart skips at the bold words. I only hope my composure can be maintained.

"I did. Just not physically."

He smiles, a type of smile that tells me my words have no effect on him. A type of smile that tells me whose side he is on.

Ah. That's how it is.

The battle for Alpha was still in play.

I leave the training fields in the hopes of reaching the pack house before Orion. My forged lie doesn't last long though. He's already there, helping Sandra in the kitchen.

We both freeze as eye contact is made. Sandra continues on, blissfully unaware of the thunderstorm that has erupted behind Orion's grey eyes.

"You trained."

I edge away from the steel that pinned me down, moving towards the stairs.

"Yes."

He doesn't say anything. It's not until later as he walks into our room, that he lets his anger come out.

"How could you."

"How could I what?" Ignorance was not the best play to act. He watches me undress, following me into the bathroom as the water for a bath is drawn.

"Train."

"I had to."

I turn to find his hands clenching and unclenching beside him. Conflict is on his face. He doesn't know what to say.

"I had to. You know I had to. This..." I bite back my words, unable to say exactly what, "doesn't change the fact that I'm the Alpha."

"I know."

"If you know, then don't get mad at me."

His face comes into my view. I can't look at it. It shows astonishment at my words.

"Mad?"

I step into the boiling water, ignoring his question.

"I was not mad at you."

I continue to ignore, not wanting to point out all the signs that showed clearly was what he was feeling.

"I'm worried. I'm worried about the-,"

"It's fine."

"Why can't you say-,"

"It's fine."

He stops short, a frustrated sigh leaving him as he pulls back his hair before letting the long strands flow around him.

We stare at each other, our anger and frustration slowly slipping away. His eyes examine me- at first out of concern, but soon it grows into something else.

I move towards the edge of the tub, smiling up at him.

"Do you want to join me?"

*     *     *  

Later as Orion slept peacefully on the bed, I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

Slowly I raise my shirt, feeling the skin of my stomach.

Smooth.

Nothing but the muscle that I had worked so hard for.

Light scaring could be seen around the edges, small scraps that twisted around from my back to the sides of my ribs.

There was no evidence to show that I was going to be a mother.

"Hello."

I quickly look at Orion, checking to make sure I didn't wake him. My hand makes small circles now, a soothing rhythm for me. I lean closer against the bathroom counter, squinting my eyes to see any difference, but I can't.

There is none.

"We'll have to choose a name..." Orion could do that. Hopefully he had some sense in a choosing a practical name.

"Boy or girl..." I can't decide if I want something specific. There's no choice in the matter. What was- was- but Orion's eyes would become something distant and cloudy whenever a little girl was mentioned. The image of that small boy with the blond curls and grey eyes still haunted me.

I stop my hand, slowly pulling back. There was an attachment that was forming already that scared me. Something stronger than a mate bond. Something that I didn't even know existed in this world. An attachment like this, already being made...it was frightening.

I pushed aside any thoughts I had to it.

"I'm sorry." I had to say the words. I had to say them somehow and in some way, because I knew, like everyone else within the family who now watched my stomach as well- I was not a soft creature. Life had taken away that opportunity from me.

Or maybe, I just took it away from myself.