Be of good heart.

—Vincent van Gogh

____________________________________

KATIE

MARCH

Let me sum things up for you: It was lunchtime. Everyone was in the cafe eating. People at my table table were all riled up about the semi-final game tonight against Brighton, but regardless, everyone was in a good mood. Ava was laughing at something Charlie said, throwing grapes into his mouth; A-Mart was practicing moves from The Karate Kid, informing everyone that he would channeling his inner Mr. Miyagi tonight. And me? Well, I couldn't stop staring at Jake. I wasn't sure if Derek noticed or not, but at this point, I don't think I even cared. That is, until Ava dug her fingernails into my thigh, snapping me out of whatever trance I was in.

"Katie, hun," she whispered into my ear. Her voice was cheery, but I could tell she was putting on a show, so as to not cause a show. She didn't wait for me to nod, blink, or say anything because she knew I was listening. "Would you stop staring at Jake like a lost puppy?" Her nails sunk further into my thigh. "You have a boyfriend." She hissed at me. And that was that. Ava went back to goofing around with Charlie, pretending like we didn't just have that "conversation." There was always later.

I looked down at my pants, briefly running my hands over the silky fabric, which felt like guilt and money. When I looked back up, Jake was looking my way. He gave me a mouth-watering smirk and then turned back to doing karate moves with A-Mart and Calum. Why was he doing this to me? How? What I felt for Jake... It shouldn't have been possible. But here I was, sitting at lunch, watching everyone around me—feeling like I was in some alternate universe, where staring at Jake Roswell was acceptable, even though Derek was sitting on the other side of me. God, what was wrong with me?

"Hey," Derek slung his arm around my shoulders after we cleared our trays. I couldn't help but smile up at him, because he was always in a good mood. And that led to me feeling somewhat better.

"Hey." I relaxed slightly at his touch.

"You have History, right?" he asked me. I nodded. "Alright, I'll walk you. I just happen to be going the same way." He kissed the side of my head.

"Wait, Derek." I stopped walking, pulling his hand.

"Did you forget your books or something, cause I can go back and grab them." He gestured with his thumb in the general direction of my locker.

"No, it's not that." I said, sitting down on a bench outside the library. Derek got the cue and sat down with me.

"Okay..." he trailed off, waiting for me to continue.

"Uhh," I began. "I'm not exactly sure where to start because I've never done this before." The words rushed out of my mouth.

Derek hung his head. "Katie..." he said my name, and it sounded like he had just been kicked.

We both knew what I was about to do, but I had to say it. I had to say it or it wouldn't be real. That much I knew. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, but it didn't work. "I think we should break up."

He ran his hands along his jeans. "Uh, alright. You wanna tell me why?" he folded his hands after resting his elbows on his knees. Where do I even begin? "Wait, it's not because Jake kissed you and I didn't do anything about it, right?"

"No! Oh my God! Derek, no." I said. Jake had a little bit to do with this, but he wasn't the sole reason. And it wasn't because Derek did nothing and it wasn't because Jake had kissed me in the halls that day. "Absolutely not." I looked at him.

I took another deep breath. "Okay, so you know my friend, Isabel?" I asked. "I used to sit with her at lunch, and now I don't?" Pretty sure this came out of left field for him.

"Yeah... but what does this have to do with us breaking up?"

"Well, she likes you. Or liked you. I'm not sure. But I didn't really care about that, or her for that matter, and just started dating you instead."

"You're breaking up with me because your former best friend may or may not like me?" Derek furrowed his eyebrows together. He wasn't buying it. "I'm calling bullshit." He leaned back against the bench. "No way that's the only reason." When I didn't respond, he kept on talking. "You don't think I see how you stare at Jake? Do you think I'm blind, Katie?" he asked. He shook his head. "At least have the guts to tell me the truth." Ouch. That one hurt.

"Okay, I like Jake." I blurted out not even moments after Derek finished speaking.

"What?" he looked at me, like he had missed it.

"I like Jake." I repeated, much more sure of my answer.

"Maybe I could use a little less truth," Derek looked taken aback by all of this, like he hoped calling me out for staring at Jake wasn't true, like he hoped I would deny it or something. I wanted to laugh at his response because it was witty and funny. Classic Derek to make a joke during a serious conversation, but I'm pretty sure people who were breaking up didn't laugh. "We have history together."

"No, Katie, I don't care that you're gonna be late for class." Derek shook his head. "And Jake's not even in your class."

"No, that's not what I mean. Like Jake and I have a past."

"Oh..." Derek trailed off not really knowing what to say.

"I was with him before I was with you, and when he kissed me, all those feelings just resurfaced. And ever since I met him—"

Derek cut me off. "Where exactly did you two meet?"

"In a coffee shoppe... at 3am..." I didn't really know how else to put it and I didn't really want Derek to ask anymore questions until I was done, so I kept on speaking. "I didn't really notice him until I met him, but now I see him everywhere and I can't get him out of my mind. And that's not fair to you. You deserve someone who's gonna be 100% dedicated to you, someone who's not chasing other boys." A tear slipped down my cheek. Why did I always have to cry during serious conversations. "It's not that I didn't like you."

"It's just that you like him more." Derek stated. And I couldn't have said it any better even if I had tried.

"I don't know, Derek." I shook my head. "I just didn't want to put you through this anymore."

"Wow. I really wish you had stuck with the Isabel reason." He wiped the palms of his hands on his jeans.

"Derek," I reached out and grabbed his hand. "I know everyone says this, but I wanna be friends with you because I think that's what we were supposed to be all along.

"That's all I am." He let me hold his hand. "I'm always everyone's friend. Nothing more." I knew he would never say this to any of his friends because they would give him hell for it.

"What do you call the past year?" I asked him, smiling slightly. "Just because we're over doesn't mean that what we had is suddenly shot to hell or doesn't matter anymore."

"It was fun while it lasted." He sighed, looking down.

"Derek,"

"You should get to class, Katie," was all he said, still studying the tiles on the floor.

△

Ava and I drove home in silence. I didn't know whether or not she was thinking about the game tonight, or whether or not she was angry at me, but when we walked through the door, all hell broke loose and I found my answer.

"Tell me you didn't do what I heard you did." Ava dropped her bag on a chair.

"Aves," I started, clutching my phone.

"Tell me you didn't break up with Derek." She stared at me. I didn't have anything to say to that. "Why? Why did you do that?" She threw her hands up.

"Because I didn't like him anymore," I said. "I mean, I did—I do—but I like Jake more."

"He has a kid, dammit, Katie!"

"I know. I know. But it wasn't fair to Derek for me to always be thinking about Jake." I tried to explain my reasoning. I knew it was sound, but Ava had known Derek since day 1. It was like I was breaking up with her.

"He has a kid!" she repeated.

"Why does that matter? Plenty of people have kids."

"You're supposed to be with Derek." Ava completely avoided my question.

"I'm not supposed to be with anyone." I tried not to roll my eyes.

Except Jake. I was sure I was supposed to be with him, except the universe clearly had other plans in mind.

"Derek would have given you the entire world."

"I don't want the entire world, Ava!" I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water out of it.

Just Jake

"Katie!"

"Just stop it, Ava," I bit back and she turned her back on me with a sigh. "I don't wanna be with him anymore." There was also the small fact that Isabel had liked him first and I completely ignored her, cut her out of my life, and then started dating Derek without even considering how she might feel about the whole thing.

She spun back around. "You should have never been with him in the first place if all you were going to do was jerk him around like a plaything," she yelled.

"He wasn't a plaything!"

"Were you with him because you couldn't be with Jake?" I stayed quiet. "Answer me, Katie."

"At first."

"And then let me guess, you genuinely fell for him," Ava gripped the countertop.

"I didn't want to be a home wrecker. Jake was with Jules at the time and I wasn't about to let him cheat on her with me," I said.

"But then you went and got with Derek. That's almost worse." Ava shook her head.

I stormed over to her and got up in her face. "I wasn't about to be the person that tore their family apart."

"So you went and got with his best friend?" She put her hands on either side of her head. "Do you understand just how senile that is, K? I mean, honestly, come on!"

"I didn't get with Derek because he was Jake's best friend." I clutched my unopened water.

"Then why? Please, enlighten me."

"Everything happened at the wrong time." I calmed down for a moment. "The timing was all messed up. Derek made me a drink one night at a party and we just kind of took things from there," I said. "It's not like I thought, 'hm, you know what? I can't be with Jake, so I'll just go date his best friend instead. Yeah, that sounds like a good solution.' What the hell Ava? Who does that?"

"So he made you a drink at a party and you date him. Seems legit." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Did you expect some grand gesture from him, like roses or a mountain top picnic? Because not everyone can have the perfect relationship like you and Charlie." I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Charlie and I are far from perfect, but at least I'm not with him because I can't be with someone else."

"Jesus Christ, Ava! I actually liked Derek when we were together."

"So why did you break up then? If you actually liked him?" She put air quotes around the last part of her question.

"Because it wasn't fair to him. Because I still liked Jake. Because wrecking me and him was worse than wrecking Jules and Jake." I pushed some hair out of my eyes.

"Lucky for you, Jules messed her and Jake up all by herself. You didn't have to anything."

"Well I'm glad it wasn't me, no offense to Jules or anything." I rolled my eyes. "I wasn't going to be a home wrecker," I said again. "Not like my father did with your family," I said the last part quietly. "Not like him..."

"Katie," Ava reached out to me, all her anger gone.

"No, I can't be like him." I pushed her arms away, stumbling backwards, the cold, hard counter catching me. "I can't be like my father." I whispered before turning and running upstairs to my room.

△

I was just finishing up some homework when there was a knock on my door.

"Yup," I said, not looking up from my laptop, but I should have because I didn't expect my father to be standing there. I mean, he came into my room from time to time, but we hadn't spoken since last week when we got into the fight. Correction: I hadn't spoken to him. I should have said something like 'what do you want?' or 'are you gonna punch me too?' but all I could do was stare, mouth agape.

"Can I come in, kiddo?" he asked and once again, I stared.

Nice response, Katie.

He took that as a yes and slowly made his way over to my bed, tentatively sitting down on a small corner of it. Dad took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and without opening them he said, "You were right." He slowly let his breath out. "You were right and I was wrong. I should have never punched Jake. That was the overprotective father in me making an appearance." I was about to make some absentee dad joke, but he stopped me and held his hand up. "Look, I know I walked out on you and your mother. I know I was stupid for not taking you with me. I'm sorry about all of that. A hundred times over. But I'm trying to make up for it. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I put you through." And there was the bigger topic at hand. Not the whole 'him-punching-Jake thing, but the whole him-walking-out-on-me thing.

I really didn't know what to say to that, because I was expecting some huge fight, but all I could do was nod. Actually, all I could do was nod because at the moment, my throat was all tight and I felt like if I tried to say anything, I would just start crying. I was trying to care as little as I possibly could right now. Or at least, that's what I wanted him to believe.

"We should have had this talk a long time ago," he said taking a deep breath. He was doing a lot of that tonight. "It's not like I cheated on your mother from day one. I stepped out on her because she decided that drinking was more important and I couldn't stop it. In her eyes, you and I came second to the bottle. I don't know if it would have been better or worse if I didn't have a reason for doing it, but that's my reason. Not my excuse."

"How long were you with Nora before you left me?" Not Mom, me.

"Nora and I had been seeing each other for a couple of months and she was going through a divorce at the time. We met at couple's therapy." He threw that one small, seemingly insignificant detail out there.

"You and Mom went to couple's therapy?" I blurted out. I was shocked, because up until now, I thought my father had put zero time and effort into his marriage with Mom.

"Yeah, I convinced her to try and fix us and then maybe she would stop drinking, but I think she ended up drinking more." He gave me a sheepish smile and I exhaled half-of-a-laugh. "So Nora and I would get coffee afterwards and try and help each other. I said she should start taking kickboxing classes and she said I should put a lock on the liquor cabinet." When it was clear I wasn't following the whole kickboxing thing, Dad continued. "I don't know if Ava has told you anything about her dad, but Nora has a restraining order against him."

"Why?" I asked the obvious question.

"Because he was abusive to her and sometimes Ava. Nora would try to take most of it."

"She never told me," I said softly, looking down at my comforter, suddenly feeling incredibly selfish.

"Ava's not the sharing, bragging type, and you were dealing with Mom when you came here."

"But that doesn't mean that Ava is ever going to be done dealing with her dad." I looked up at him.

"When she's ready, maybe she'll talk to you about it."

"Did the lock on the alcohol cabinet work?" I asked after it was quiet for a long time.

"Ahh, no. Your mother is very handy with a screwdriver and just took the doors off the cabinet," he laughed.

"Why didn't you just dump the bottles out?"

"Your mother would buy more and the cycle would continue. And that's something not even couple's therapy can fix."

"So you left?" I tucked my feet under me.

"There wasn't anything else I could do." He shrugged. "Nora's family was broken and mine was falling apart right in front of my eyes, so in a way, we kind of fixed each other."

"I never really thought of it like that." I scooted closer to him.

"That's because you never knew."

"Thanks for telling me." I laid my head on shoulder.

"Still think I'm a monster?" he asked rubbing my back.

"Not so much." I said quietly, and once again the silence set in. "Thanks for coming back for me." I said. It took him a little bit longer than it should have, but he still came back, and I guess that's all that matters in the end.

"Katie, if I could have a do-over, I would have taken you with me the moment I decided to leave."

"I know, Dad." I closed my eyes. "It's okay. I'm not mad at you anymore," I said and he sighed, like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. If only forgiveness could fix everything, because I could use a little bit right now from Derek, and Ava, and Isabel.

"Michael! There's a huge spider in the kitchen!" Nora shouted.

"The Mrs. needs me." He smiled a true, Dad-to-rescue smile. I hadn't seen that smile since I got a paper cut when I was ten and Dad was the only person who could find the Scooby Doo bandaids.

"Michael, it's moving!" Nora's panicked voice echoed through the halls. "No, Finn, do not touch the spider."

"Coming, honey!" Dad stood up.

"Good talk." I smiled up at him.

"We should do it again sometime," he said once he reached the door.

"Hey, Dad." I called out, even though he was probably halfway down the stairs by now.

"Yeah?" He poked his head back into my room.

"I love you."

"I love you too, kiddo."

Not even three minutes after Dad left, my phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered the phone.

"Hi, it's me." Isabel's voice came through crystal clear over my speaker.

"Hi," I said.

"What are you doing tonight?" she asked me.

"Going to the game. Are you?"

"Yeah I'm actually taping it." Isabel sounded a little unsure of herself.

"I thought that was Bradley's job?" I smiled slightly remembering the time he and I ran into each other. Literally.

"Bradley has pink eye." She stated bluntly.

"Oh..." was my only response. It was quiet for a moment.

"Wanna keep me company up there on that platform?" she asked, and I could hear a hint of hope in her voice.

"That would be nice. I'll meet you at the rink?" I asked her.

"See you soon," she said before she hung up.

I leaned back into my pillows thinking about everything... I came to the conclusion that mistakes inevitably happen and there wasn't anything anyone could do to avoid them. But it's not the mistakes that defined us, but what we did after them that shapes us into the people we are, and the people we will eventually become. Mistakes were good.