AUTHOR'S NOTE: Shoutout to Stephanie0981 for making me this amazing cover!! It makes me want to get a nice, hot cup of coffee. Also, I had to change Katie and Ava's little brother's name from Ben to Finn. Apologies for the confusion. Another also: I totally didn't even see the Mean Girls' reference until a few readers pointed it out to me. I didn't intentionally put an MG reference in here, but since it is, enjoy (:

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Sometimes I still wonder why things happened the way they did

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KATIE

FEBRUARY

Ava and I walked down the halls after lunch, talking about the big snowstorm we were supposed to get this weekend. "No, the hot weatherman said we were supposed to get 12-16." Ava shook her head.

"I heard 16 inches and up for our area." I drew a circle with my finger.

"Did you hear that from the hot weatherman?" Ava crossed her arms.

"No, I heard it from the bald weatherman." I laughed.

Ava put her hands up. "That's it. I don't think we can be friends anymore," she said. "You watch the bald weatherman on channel 5."

"I like the channel 5 news!" I laughed.

"But the channel 7 news has the hot weatherman." I swear Ava almost stomped her foot.

"Do you even know the hot weatherman's name?" It was my turn to cross my arms.

"Yeah. Hot Weatherman. That's his name. He knows it. I know it. Everyone who watches channel 7 news knows it." Ava laughed.

I put my hands out as if to say, I don't know what to tell you. "I'm gonna stick with Bald Weatherman," I said as the bell rang for class.

"You are so strange." She gave me this repulsive look.

I shrugged.

"See you after class," Ava squeezed my hand before walking off.

I turned in the other direction and walked to my English class. We were reading Julius Caesar.

I sat down in my seat, which was still next to Isabel. She and I hadn't talked in four months. I looked over at her empty seat before going back to texting Derek. He had a free block right now, and he told me that he was in the library studying, but I'm not sure I believed him. Isabel walked in a few moments later and sat down next to me, not saying a word. I had grown accustomed to it.

"Alright, class! Let's get started, shall we?" Mr. Pin said before closing the door. "So what happened in last night's reading?" Mr. Pin asked.

"My main man, Caesar, got stabbed!" Alex said, throwing up his hands.

"And who stabbed Caesar?" Mr. Pin asked.

"His best friend," Isabel said without raising her hand to be called on. "Because Caesar forgot about him." Isabel casted a sidewards glance at me, or well, it was more of a glare.

I raised my hand. "I totally object," I said. "Well not to Alex, cause he was right, but Caesar didn't forget about Brutus. He was too busy denying the crown to worry about Brutus, who by the way, wanted to kill him." I leaned back in my chair.

"Katie, you make a good point. Would anyone like to respond to Katie?" Mr. Pin asked the class.

Jules raised her hand. "I agree with Katie. Brutus was just mad at Caesar, and he should have taken a lap instead of stabbing him."

Isabel raised his hand. "But Caesar and Brutus were friends and in Rome, that's like being brothers."

"Yeah, if they were really brothers, then Brutus would have supported Caesar instead of killing him." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh so we should just ignore the fact that Caesar is having a moment? News flash Katie! Maybe Brutus was having a moment too and he needed Caesar's advice, or something." Isabel shouted at me.

"That doesn't change the fact that they were brothers!" I threw my hands up.

"Well Julius Caesar left everyone he cared about!"

"You guys are totally forgetting about Cassius," Jules said. "You know, the guy that was plotting to kill Caesar?"

"Correct Miss Vanderbilt. Would you care to elaborate?" Mr. Pin asked her.

"Well, Cassius never really liked Caesar from the beginning, but Brutus did. They were friends like Katie said. But Cassius put the idea in Brutus' head that Caesar might become a tyrant if he ever accepted the crown, so to prevent that from happening, Cassius convinced Brutus to kill his bff. And as we all know from most Shakespeare plays, everyone ends up dead," Jules said, twirling her pink pen between her fingers, before sticking the end of it into her mouth.

"Very good, Julianne." Mr. Pin nodded.

Isabel turned to look at Jules. "Well I think Cassius should have minded his own business instead of sticking his nose into places where it doesn't belong."

"I think Brutus should have taken a chill pill instead of stabbing his other half, Caesar. Maybe Caesar would have been a great ruler." I shot back at Isabel. "But Brutus didn't give him the chance, because he didn't believe in him." I rolled my eyes.

"Ladies, ladies," Mr. Pin interjected. "I'm glad you feel so strongly about Julius Caesar, but we must remember that it is just a play. Written for amusement."

"Then why is it called a tragedy?" Isabel asked before standing up and walking out. And I swear I almost saw a tear make its way down her cheek.

The door slammed and everyone sat in silence. I stared down at my notebook, my eyes running over yesterday's notes, which I had written in pretty blue ink. The words jumped out at me, but I didn't really process anything. Was I Caesar? I didn't feel like Julius Caesar...

"God, what is her deal?" Jules spoke up, breaking the silence that hung over the class like a heavy cloud. Jules rolled her eyes before flipping her hair over her shoulder.

I looked at Mr. Pin, who was still staring at the door, the one Isabel had walked out moments ago.

△

"So I heard the drama in English today," Ava said to me as we walked into work.

"It was bad, Aves," I shook my head. "I've never seen Isabel get so mad before."

"Isn't she the quiet type?" Ava asked me.

I was about to respond when I heard a voice call out my name. A voice that I prayed I wouldn't have to hear again. I turned around to see my mother running towards me.

"I'll catch up with you in a bit," I said.

"You sure?" Ava asked me.

I swallowed and nodded, watching as Ava made her way towards the changing areas. When I turned around again, my mother was way too close for my liking. I took a step back, which didn't deter her from pulling me into a bone crushing hug. My arms hung limply by my sides, like a skeleton hanging on someone's door around Halloween. My mother didn't seem to notice because she proceeded to crush me, like, if she didn't hug me hard enough, I would disappear. Her plan seemed to work because when she let go, I was still standing in front of her.

"Oh, baby, I've missed you," she said to me in the same tone a parent would say to their kid after picking them up from sleep-away camp, like it was a decision that both the parent and kid had talked about. She said it like she knew she would see me again, that me walking out on her wasn't strange. To think that a little over a year ago, my dad was the one chasing after me... and now my mom was. God, couldn't anyone have their life together?

"Hi," I said in a curt tone once she let go of me.

"You look good, Kate," she said it a smile, holding her arms out on either side of me, rubbing my arms. I felt like she was afraid that if she wasn't touching me, then I wasn't real, and this wasn't happening.

I could have said "hello," or asked how she was doing, but I took a different road instead. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't the high road. "What are you doing here?" I asked her.

"Mr. Castleton gave me my job back." She clapped her hands together like it was just the most darnedest, most wonderful thing that could happen.

"Why?" I asked her, wanting to take a step back from her, but didn't want to risk another suffocating embrace.

"Well, I told him how I've been sober since Thanksgiving and that I planned to stay sober," she told me proudly.

"Awesome." I rolled my eyes, fighting the urge to smack my hand against my forehead.

This was the third time my mother had attempted to sober up since I had left. The first time she had lasted a week. I knew this because she missed an entire week of work. Then, once she relapsed, she showed up to work drunk for the next three days. What a sight that was. The second time she tried—four months later—she actually got a sponsor who was supposed to help her avoid drinking. Well, mum's pick for a sponsor was the checkout lady at the liquor store, and instead of giving her advice and helping her stay sober, she gave my mother the weekly wine deals. Needless to say, her sobriety lasted as long as a bottle of wine. Her third time—where she claimed she had been sober for about two-and-a-half months—had been her longest so far.

"I'm really trying here, Kate," she said.

"Where's your chip?" I asked. If she was really trying, she would be in AA meetings and have an actually sponsor, and have chips marking her accomplishments.

"Umm, well..." she began.

"Do you even have a legit sponsor this time, mom?"

"The important part is that I've been sober for almost three months now. I don't need some silly sponsor." She reached out and tried to touch my arm, but I slapped her hand away.

"Then what's to say you're not going to relapse again?" I backed away from her.

"I would do a lot better if you moved back in with me, sweetheart." She completely dismissed my question and got to what she actually wanted to say.

"Are you drunk?" I asked, which probably wasn't the best question I could have asked her, but out of all the question she could have asked me... All the favors... And that was the one she chose.

She just looked at me,

"You've got to be seriously drunk right now if you think that I'm moving back into a house with no heat and strange men." I shook my head.

She waved her hand dismissively at me, as if those were the least of my worries. "Oh, Kate, don't be ridiculous. Those men never bothered you."

I threw my hands up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Yeah, you're right. Old, creepy men crawling into bed with me is completely okay." I stared at her, watching as the shock slowly made its way across her face.

Once again, she was speechless.

"Haven't you even wondered why I left?" I asked her, my voice barely audible, yet still felt like it was echoing off the lobby walls. "I can't go back to that place. I can't live in a house that doesn't feel like home," I said. "where I don't feel safe," I clarified.

"Honey, I've changed." She shook her head. "I got heat. And food. And I even fixed the light in your room."

"Just because you fixed a light doesn't mean I'll ever feel safe again." I tried not to adopt the "you're-completely-insane," voice.

"How can you live that man and his family?" She sneered at me. "After what he did to us?" Her face went from soft and apologetic to contorted with rage. "After he left us..." Her words hit me like a cement truck, full force. I'd be lying if I said they didn't hurt.

"They're my family too," I whispered as a tear slipped down my cheek.

"They didn't raise you. I did." She pointed a finger at her chest. "Me! Not them!"

I opened my mouth to reply, even though I didn't know what to say.

"Katie," I heard Derek call my name, and I turned around to see him standing there in his uniform, wondering what was going on. I wondered how much he had heard. I mean, he knew I used to live with my mom and now I lived with my dad, but he didn't know why.

I turned back to my mother. "I gotta go." I said before slightly bowing my head and walking over to Derek.

He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him. I breathed in his soapy, boyish scent, trying to steady my heart and stop it from jumping out of my chest. When Derek let go, I looked back to where my mother was standing just moments ago, only to find that she was no longer there.

"You okay?" he asked me as I rested my forehead on his chest.

I nodded, my face rubbing against the textured material of his shirt. I picked my head up, wiped my face with the sleeve of my sweater before lacing my fingers through Derek's and walking off towards the restaurant with him. And the entire walk there, I couldn't stop thinking about what Isabel said today in English... about how Julius left everyone he cared about.

I left Jake... Because he was going to have a kid.

I left my mother... Because a strange man crawled into my bed.

I left Isabel... Because I got new friends and completely forgot about her.

I had valid reasons for 2/3. But I didn't really have a reason for leaving Isabel. I was just a shitty person.

△

Ava and I were lying on the living room floor playing with Finn and Emma. Finn and I were building a Lego tower and Emma was sitting in Ava's lap turning the pages of a book.

"What's that?" Ava asked her, pointing at one of the pictures in the book.

"Choo choo." Emma slapped the cardboard page with her hand. I laughed as I pushed a red lego into the tower.

"Finn, how's that helifighter coming?" I asked him.

"Awesome. It has four guns, two claws, and it flies faster than Buzz Lightyear." He held up the ship for me to see.

"Wow, that must be pretty fast." I nodded handing him a few crewmen to fly the plane.

I opened my mouth to say something to Ava, but there was a knock on the door. I was getting cut off a lot today. "Jules?" I asked Ava, who merely shrugged. I set down my legos and walked off towards the door.

"Hi," Jake said to me once I opened the door.

"H-hi," I managed. I totally wasn't expecting Jake to answer be standing there. "Where's Jules?" I asked.

"Taking a shower."

"Oh..." came my clever response. I looked down, only to see that I was wearing purple polkadot socks. The same socks I had worn the night I met Jake. I looked back up at Jake only to see that he was looking down at my socks as well. I wondered how different my life would be right now if I had stopped to put shoes on that night. Would I have met Jake in Blackie's? Would he and I be standing here right now?

"She sent me instead to pick up Emma," Jake said, picking his head back up.

"Oh, yeah, right." I nodded, remembering how to speak. "Come in." I opened the door wider and stepped back.

I walked into the living room to see that Emma was handing Finn various assortments of legos. I bent down and scooped her up. "Daddy's here," I said to her, bouncing her in my arms a little. I watched as a smile spread across her face and couldn't help but smile too. Emma reached out towards Jake, holding her pink elephant in one hand.

Jakes fingers brushed across mine as I handed Emma over to him, and the electric current that traveled up my arm was strong enough to cause a blackout across all of town.

I looked at Jake.

And he looked at me.

And I found it very hard to tear my eyes away from him. And once again, just like the first night I met him, I was struggling to breathe. Ava and Finn and Emma didn't exist right then. It was just me and Jake... for those few moments. Finally, I managed to tear my eyes away as Finn crashed into my legs.

"Katie! Katie! Look at it! It's done. I finished it!" He held up his helifighter for me to see.

"Whoa, Finn! That's awesome! This is totally gonna stop Dr. Galatico's evil space drone warriors!" I said getting down on my knees and flying the ship around Finn a few times.

"Hi, buddy," Jake said to Emma, who only leaned her head on his shoulder and stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Oh, someone's tired." Jake laughed. "You're tired." He rubbed her back a little. "Hey, thanks for watching her for a little." Jake said to Ava and me.

"No problem. She was easy." Ava said, waving her hand dismissively at Jake.

"I'll see you this weekend at A-Mart's, okay?" He asked about the party that A-Mart was having after the boys had their quarterfinal game.

"Yeah, we'll be there," Ava said as she walked Jake to the door.

Once he left the room, I took a deep breath, savoring the oxygen that Jake had left for me. I took a few more breaths, trying to steady my heart for the second time today. And suddenly, I felt so guilty for feeling those things for Jake. I hated how he could jumpstart my heart just by touching my finger, and how whenever I was at a party, he was always the first person I looked for. Granted, I was trying to avoid him so I could breathe and focus, but he was always the first person. Most of all though, I felt guilty because I had a boyfriend... a boyfriend whose name was not Jake Roswell, a boyfriend who wanted to literally give me the world... but I didn't want the that.

I just wanted Jake.