"Montana I know you might not want to talk about it but please answer me one thing. Why did you not tell me what happened?" Zoe asks still sitting with her arms around me. As much as I'd love to give her the answers she wants, the truth is I don't have any. There's nothing I can say that will justify why I kept this to myself for so long.

"I want to tell you why I kept it quiet but the truth is nothing I say is going to be a good enough reason. I thought I was protecting everyone around me by not telling them exactly what he was like" I say. To this day I can not bring myself to say his name. He's damaged me and in my head he doesn't deserve a name.

"You know I would have quite literally chopped his dick off with a meat cleaver for you if I'd known about this. I feel disgusted with myself that I was telling people that you two just broke up"

"I know you would have but he isn't worth going to prison for. You wouldn't have know any different Zoe. I lied to your face and told you we just decided it was for the best"

"When all along you were stood there bruised and broken because of him" Zoe says cutting me off. This is another reason I didn't want anyone to know. They look at me and all they see is someone who isn't me.

"Zoe don't think about that. I saw my bruises and you don't need that image in your head. Yes it was horrific but I'm not letting it define who I am. It happened to me and I've had therapy to help me deal with it. I've placed that whole thing in a box and that box is locked away forever. Don't think of me as a victim" I say sitting up wiping my eyes. I've already cried too much over him and I need to stop.

"But you were a victim and you were all alone. I can't help feeling guilty for not noticing how hurt you were"

"I hid it well, no one knew apart from the professionals I saw for help. They encouraged me to tell someone who I'm close to but if I'm honest after that happened I didn't feel like I could trust anyone. I know now that was the wrong way to deal with it but in my mind if he could do that when he was supposed to love me, what could someone else do to me" after everything it took me a while to start trusting anyone again, even my close friends and even now I struggle to trust people.

"You know I could never hurt you don't you?" Zoe asks and I can tell she's worried I won't ever trust even her again.

"Of course! I worked on my issues and now I know that it was all on him. I'm not to blame, my friends and family aren't to blame. Literally just him and he made that choice" I say looking down at my hands. "I'm fighting this Zoe. Please don't worry about me"

"You're not fighting it alone. Remember that, you already know any time day or night I'm at the other end of the phone" Zoe says handing me a glass of wine, I shouldn't while I have Anoushka but I feel like I need it "one more question then I'll stop talking about it. Why did you tell Jesse?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I'd just had the phone call from Australia and he was there. He was the last person I ever expected telling but he was so supportive. He just held me and let me cry" I explain thinking back to when Jesse found out. "Now it's time to move on and forget about Australia. Who knows I might actually be able to go back and visit one day"

"You're strong you'll do it. It might be in your own time and on your terms but I believe in you" not responding to Zoe I sit and think about Chris, I have no idea what's going to happen with him or what he's going to say. My mum can't know and the more people who find out the bigger the risk is. I know I should tell her but it will literally break her.

Three days later I walk into Jesse's house with Anoushka, he's finally been discharged from hospital however I'm keeping Anoushka with me so it's easier for him. Realising Jesse's home alone I feel like this is the first time we're really going to get the chance to talk after I ended things.

"Hey, how you feeling?" I say sitting on the opposite end of the sofa to Jesse. He has his leg propped up on a cushion but the truth is I can't handle being so close but yet so far from him.

"Better now I'm home. Thanks for having Noush I know you had things planned with Zoe being over at the moment and I know you've changed them plans to help me I just want you to know that I appreciate what you've done"

"Jesse I'm not being funny but what else where you going to do? I'm not completely heartless, I couldn't watch her being passed around from pillar to post without any stability while you've been in hospital"

"Do you think we could talk? About us I mean" Jesse asks, call me gullible but to me he looks petrified.

"Yeah, I think we need to" I say, I know a lot of things were said that shouldn't have been and there's still a lot more that needs to be said. However it's time to be adults about it.

"I'm sorry okay? I know it's just a word but I mean it. I should never have spoke to you the way I did and I shouldn't have thrown accusations at you without speaking to you first. It's not an excuse but I let Dani get into my head and that's why I acted the way I did" Jesse says turning to look at me the best he can.

"I'm sorry too. I never wanted things to end between us and I overacted and I was immature. I said everything without thinking. I was angry and I went too far" I say. Ending things with Jesse was a mistake. I'm not naïve I know this will end at some point however I'm not ready for it to be over yet, as selfish as it may seem.

"You did't go too far. Anyone would have reacted the same in that situation. Things could have got a lot nastier in that situation".

"I think the main thing you need to know is that I still want to spend time with you and I still want to be with you, if you'll have me" I say hoping I haven't made things worse for myself by ending things with Jesse.

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. Through all of this you're one of the only ones who has been a constant. I was gutted when you ended it. I genuinely thought I'd completely ruined everything"

"I'm a girl Jesse, I'm allowed my moments when I overreact"

"I know that but there's only so many times you can push one person before it's that step too far" moving closer to Jesse I rest my head on his shoulder picking his hand up in mine.

"You haven't push this girl too far" I say kissing Jesse's bare shoulder "Not yet anyway. Chris knows about everything" I say knowing I need to tell Jesse before Chris sees him.

"How does he know? I promise I didn't tell him" Jesse says turning to look at me.

"I know you didn't tell him. He told me he came over that day and heard us talking. He didn't let us know he was there because he was too angry. At first I thought you had told him and I was fuming with you. I thought you'd told him because you were angry with me" I admit. I couldn't have been more wrong.

"Montana, I couldn't ever tell anyone what you told me. You told me that in confidence and no matter how angry I might be I wouldn't go telling people something that personal. If you wanted anyone to know that was for you to do in your own time"

"Thank you. Well he knows now and he's so angry with me. I've never seen him that angry before"

"He's not angry with you. I'm certain of that, he's probably just angry that you had to go through that" whatever my brother is angry with is irrelevant. At the end of the day he's still angry and it's related to me. "Hey look at me" Jesse says as I turn to look at him "This is not your fault and I know you're blaming yourself but you couldn't be more wrong" instead of saying anything I turn to Jesse and kiss him. I've missed him and it's about time I show him how much.

"You have no idea how much I wanted to do that when I came to see you in hospital" I say barely moving away from Jesse's lips.

"I think I have an idea" feeling Jesse pull me onto his lap so I'm straddling him, I'm conscious of his knee and Anoushka who's sitting watching the TV oblivious to what's going on around her. "Can you feel that? That's what you do to me"

"Jess we can't. Not right now your daughter is over there" I smile and can't help laughing at Jesse trying to hold onto my hips. Hearing someone shout Jesse's name I dive off him and move to the other side of the sofa as quick as humanly possible. I'm so flustered I can feel my cheeks burning.

"Hiya Montana. I wondered who's car was in the driveway" Kirsty says walking into the living room. Holy fuck that was too close. Way too close. 

"I just thought I'd bring Noush to see Jesse. She's missed him so much" I say looking over at Jesse who's sat with a cushion on his knee. Biting my lip I try not to blush knowing exactly why he's sat like that.    

"You have no idea how much we all appreciate you giving Jesse a hand. You've been a diamond" seeing Jesse try hold his laugh in I know exactly what he's thinking when his mum says giving him a hand and it's not the same way she means it.

"I wouldn't have it any other way. You've been at the hospital so it's only right I play my part where I can"

"Anyway I came to see if you want anything Jess. I'm going shopping" Kirsty says sitting at the other side of the room.

"Just some things for Noush to keep her occupied. It'll be a few weeks before I'm out and about with her again" Jesse says and I can see from his face he's struggling to concentrate.

"I'll have a look for you. Noush are you coming with nana?" Kirsty asks the toddler who's now sitting on her knee. After a quick change of clothes Anoushka leaves with Kirsty. I don't dare look at Jesse. The sexual tension between us is through the roof right now.

"I think I need a nurse" Jesse says and I look at him worried at the tone of his voice.

"Why? What's wrong?" I say trying not to panic.

"I have a problem, I think it's going to take a specialist nurse to fix it" realising what's Jesse's talking about I bite my lip "That does not help".

"What do you suggest would fix it?" There's no denying Jesse. Why not take advantage of being child free while we can?