Clarissa

Jill waits for me to explode. I hope she's ready.

"First, I realize through my best friend, not my own husband, that I was a bad mom. I'm trying to do better but it was a painful slap on the face." I say, trying to stay calm.

Jill nods and motions for me to keep going.

"Then, I walk in to my husband on my own daughter. Our daughter." I continue, my hands waving in the air. "I find out, I get hurt and go to the hospital, she tells me it's been going on for years, she gets hurt and goes to the hospital, more things happen at school, we both get hurt and nearly die. My own baby nearly died because of his boss, his friends, him!"

Tears run down my face now. We're outside in her car. Sparing people from my dramatic and painful scene.

"You saw how we fell in love. You know how bad it was. I love him, Jill. He loved me. I thought he would be the perfect father. And he was. Until this man came in. But even then, it was his decision. He didn't actually have to do it. But he did! And he liked it. He liked not having me around." My voice breaks at the last line. "When he made love to me that night after just abusing our daughter, I thought things could go right again. But it's all so wrong. Too wrong."

I slam my hands on the dashboard and Jill tilts her head. "It's amazing how God loves us so much and how Jesus died for each one of us when so many clearly don't deserve it. We all don't but you know what I mean. I'm so glad His love is so much better and so perfect compared to human love. If I were god, the human race would be endangered." I whisper with a hoarse laugh.

Jill nods along, her hand on my back now.

"I just- I don't see how things are supposed to change or get better with his confession. It's a confession for goodness' sake, it's real! How do I deal with that? My own daughter is stronger than I am. I'm so, so-" I break down. My chest heaving and my words mush together. "How do I accept him? Forgive him? Let him in? Do I even? And what about the secret he kept? His sister? How deeply connected are we to that boss of his? Are we in danger? Will I lose all I know? Will any of us die because of this?"

Jill strokes my hair, clearing out the knots, listening quietly.

"What do I do?" I ask for the last time as I let the tears carry me away.

Jill doesn't say anything. She turns on the radio and songs start to play.

I'm so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So I followed through
Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray, all I get is hurt,
and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You're good
But this don't feel good right now
I know You think things
I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy
distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense of all Your promises
Sometimes I have to stop and remember that You're God and I am not so

Thy will be done

I try to relate the song and sing it in my heart as a prayer. I really don't understand. I really am confused. I've only recently started going to church. God, how do I trust for Your will to be done?

The next song plays and I know Jill's watching me carefully.

Don't seem to want to hold me
Like you did before
We don't go out to dinner
Ain't no flowers at my door

You do a lot of talking
There's a word you never say
Sorry would go a long way

I stayed up all night waiting
And you forgot to call
Oh, I feel so lonely
It's like you don't care at all
And maybe it's your ego
Or just your foolish pride
It's like I'm not on your mind

You never tell me that you love me
Oh, what a mess of me you've made
It won't make it all better
It won't make it okay
But sorry would go a long way

I cry out, wailing in Jill's car as I relate to this story. Sorry... Why is this one word so hard to say yet also thrown around like nothing sometimes?

"Do you think it'll get better?" I whisper, surprised at almost no sound coming out.

"Hm. I think if you place it all in the right hands, they'll weave it into a beautiful tapestry. But if not, the threads will break and tear and you'll be left undone." Jill replies as wise as ever.

"What did I do to deserve a friend like you?" I whisper, leaning on her shoulder.

She smiles as she hugs me. "Nothing. But God knows. We both need each other."

I smile at that.

The week goes by and Ron has somehow found another place to stay. According to Annika who told Mina, he's found a job. We just don't know what.

I observe my daughter as she joins classes again. She's much happier and putting on some weight. She gave up boxing class but stays fit for track.

Cole spends more time at our house and the two are closer than ever. I'm getting the mom-feeling Jill told me about. Those two don't know what's yet to hit them.

It's like they're allowing childhood back into their lives. Charity and Carson have somehow managed to get more days off and spend time with the younger two.

The track team also visit more often, helping me around the house too.

I sometimes visit the diner to see my daughter work and have some good conversations with Honey. She's a gem.

Today is another Monday. Yesterday was refreshing. Every Sunday is now.

I watch as Mina meets Cole in the driveway and they walk to school.

The phone rings and I answer it.

"Clarissa? I'm off today. Would you like to go get some coffee?" Jill asks. "Charity will meet us too."

"I'd love to." I reply.

I've been trying to apply for online jobs since I quit my last one. It had good pay but I wasn't being a very good mom.

I meet Jill in their driveway and she leads us to a café in the city.

We order and sit down at a booth.

"This is nice, isn't it? Like when we were younger and without the kids." Jill asks, letting out a contented sigh.

"Should I leave then?" Charity asks with a smile as she walks up to us.

Jill laughs and shakes her head. "Of course not. It's just- memories."

I agree with her. Recently, the littlest things trigger some of the heaviest memories.

We talk about our plans for the last month of the year. We talk about our kids, especially Cole and Mina. And we finally reach the topic.

"What're you going to do?" Jill asks, playing the role of the older sister.

I sigh. I still don't know what to do. We never filed for divorce or anything. We're married by certificate but we just don't feel married. Or at least I don't.

I never imagined myself to be in this kind of situation. Brokenness, betrayal, pain, confusion, jobless, and all that comes along with it.

How do I get out of this?