Mom woke up. I can't say I'm fully happy.

She's been quiet. Not speaking a word except for I'm sorry. They've all been trying to talk to her but she just nods or shakes her head.

When it's just us, we talk about what happened. How wrong it felt, how broken we are.

She asks me about those days when I was held captive in a horrible web of hidden secrets, dark days and more pain.

She nods as she listens, eyes distant as if imagining a time when things were too good to be true. I guess they were.

I start to put myself in her shoes and my heart breaks even more. Imagine falling in love with the one guy of your dreams, giving that you are and l that you want to be to him. Everything turns out fine at first but then as the years went on they went horribly wrong. The child you made together and eventually you bore being stripped away from the best life you thought you were working hard to give her. Imagine being betrayed, hurt, and stolen from by the one you thought you loved the most.

"Mom, I'm sorry I ever got mad at you." I whispered when the sun just went down and we were alone in the room.

Her eyes filled with tears and she hugged me close. "I'm once again sorry I ever left you."

It's Thanksgiving week next week. Too much time has passed with so much going on.

We sit in the Ramsey's living room, our house too big and too full of memories for mom and I. As much as possible, we stay away.

"So, how about that little vacation?" Jill asks, handing out hot chocolate.

Mom and I look at each other. We totally forgot about that.

"Where?" I ask, excited.

"Well, since the doctor agreed and highly recommended a good getaway before your checkups, I decided to change our trip from a roadtrip to a cruise." Jill says, with a raised eyebrow making sure that no one would challenger her decision.

"Mom and I worked out the details so technically, you can't object." Charity says with a smile. "This'll be fun!"

Mom smiles and hugs her best friend. "Thank you for never giving up on me. For always being there."

Jill hugs her back and I smile.

"Do you wanna hug?" Cole asks, a silly look on his face. "I've never given up on you and I've always been there."

I roll my eyes. "Your head's already too big. I'll pass."

He sighs and hugs a pillow to himself.

"I'll hug you brother." Carson says with a grin.

Cole looks up in time to see Carson engulf him in a bear hug.

We laugh at the scene since they're both definitely too big for baby boy hugs.

"When do we leave?" I ask, redirecting ourselves back to the topic. I haven't been out of the city in years.

"Tomorrow. After church. We fly to Orlando where we take off on a Disney Cruise to the Bahamas." John, Cole's dad adds. "I may have peeked at the details."

Jill looks back at her husband. "John! It was supposed to be a surprise."

His arms wrap around her as he pulls her in for a hug. "I'm sorry, love. Couldn't help it."

They're such a cute and ideal couple. Really good role models and parents. I sneak a look at mom and see her smile, but her eyes are on the wall.

We finish talking about the details and soon, Charity's helping me pack.

"What do I pack for a cruise? And to the Bahamas?" I ask, staring at the clothes in my closet.

"Well, it won't be so cold. So something for summer and the beach." Charity says, helping me choose things to put in the small suitcase I borrowed from her.

She helps me pack in a few hours, probably having too much experience traveling. We help mom next then I go to Charity's room to help her out. Not that she needs it. I do enjoy spending time with her though.

By evening, we're set. Ready for our little seven day vacation. I'm so excited! It's a very much needed break. And hopefully, I can forget the dark thoughts still lingering in my mind.

Sunday morning comes fast and we get ready for church. It'll be mom's first time with us after all these years.

Annika's family  sits in the front but always takes the time to welcome everyone.

Their eyes light up when they see my mom.

"Clarissa!"

They do more than give a handshake, hugging her and welcoming her into the service. Mom looks around, marveling at how much bigger it's gotten.

Praise and worship starts and I listen to the songs, trying to sing along.

Afterwards, Pastor announces that two girls will be singing and giving a testimony before the preaching.

A young girl walks up on stage, microphone in hand. She has a sweet smile and bright young eyes. "Hi. My name is Melanie. I get sick a lot and there's another girl who bullies me a lot at school. I thought it would never stop but then I heard this song and sang it a lot. I sang it during our talent show and she surprised me and asked for forgiveness. I'm so glad God speaks through songs. I hope you enjoy this and are reminded."

The song plays and the lyrics hit me.

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum
of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know

You say I am loved
when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong
when I think I am weak
You say I held
when I am falling short
When I don't belong
You say I am Yours

and I believe, oh I believe
what You say of me, I believe

I lean over to Charity and whisper, "What song is that?"

She smiles. "You Say by Lauren Daigle."

I nod my thanks and take notes. I guess there are more songs I can listen to now.

The young girl finishes singing and we give her a standing ovation. She smiles sweetly and steps down, another girl taking her place.

She's a bit older, a teenager. "Hi everyone. I'm Madison. Melanie's older sister. While she went through that, I went through a super rough time in school. I was comparing myself, feeling insecure with everything people were wearing, talking about or posting. I felt so behind, like not part of this century. Being part of a Christian family makes it hard to stand up for what's right yet find friends too. I was struggling. Like my sister, a song played and I connected with it, lifting my prayers to Him and He answered them in ways I didn't evem imagine. Now, my broken prayers have turned into fruitful miracles."

She starts singing and I wonder where I've been all this time.

I've been taught how talk to You
hold it together make the bad look better,
say all the words that I'm supposed to
bow my head, say amen, yeah that'll do
makin' every dead end look like Heaven
like being okay's the way to reach You

but You're not afraid of all the things I feel
so why am I afraid of being real?

You want my tears, every messy word
every scar, and every fear
You want all I am
with no holding back
when I'm hurt, at my worst
You see me there
'Cause You see the beauty
in my broken prayers

Woah.

"So God doesn't need me to be formal or go to church to talk to me." I say as we walk out of church. "He loves me and welcomes me as I am but of course, wants me to grow to be the best of me too."

Charity nods happily. "He welcomes us with open arms. Sometimes we don't get that all He wants is for us to spend time with Him and talk to Him. See, the amazing thing is, He already knows what we're going to say but He's still willing to listen. How many people could you name that'd do the same thing?"

I nod, understanding her point. I look up at the sky and wonder what He's thinking. He's surely seen all I've been through. Are You sure You can make my life beautiful? Cuz I don't know how...

Cole

We carry the luggage into the port and to the designated area.

We wait for about three hours before we're checked in and ready to board.
We take a big family picture with Mickey Mouse and head into the lobby. I guess it surprises people how Carson and I are the most energetic here because many people smile at us.

It's our second Disney cruise but their first. Mina takes pictures of almost every angle, Clarissa taking pictures of her. Their smiles are bright and wide but at moments they'd think no one's looking, you can see the small sighs and sad smiles.

We head up to the Lido deck for lunch and find ourselves competing with many other families and little kids.

We finally settle down at a table with burgers fresh from the grill, fries and fruits.

The weather isn't as cold as a summer cruise to the Bahamas but it's still hotter compared to where we're from.

I sneak a peek at Mina and see her eating the food happily. I'd forgotten that she's only started eating proper meals when the Ron problem was temporarily solved.

She looks back at me and raises an eyebrow.

I smile and shake my head. She gives me a wary look but goes back to eating.

Once it's time, we check into our rooms, Carson and I sharing, my parents with their own, and Charity, Mina and Clarissa.

Annika was ever so kind to take care of Mina's shifts. She's so good that she wishes she could work even though she's blessed without the need to. Honey was glad she took over and it gives them time to bond.

Soon we're back on the twelfth deck, watching as we push off. Mina and Clarissa are at the rails, taking pictures and enjoying the view.

Their hair is being whipped around, bit they don't mind. Their smiles show how happy they are. The doctor was right. They so needed this.

"Mina, wanna go up one more deck? The view's really pretty." I say. I wanted to add, 'just like you' but man that would be cheesy. And weird.

She nods and happily follows me, like a little child on her first trip to Disney. Oh, wait. It's been over a decade since Mina's been to Disney. More plans to make.

I help her up and we lean against the rail. We take pictures and watch as the sun sets and the sky turns shades of orange and pink, and the water reflects it.

We head back down for a movie in the ship's cinema. I love the cruise ship and the stuff they offer here and I'm not ashamed to say it.

After the movie, we head back to our rooms and say goodnight.

"Mina, if you need us, just call, knock or whatever okay? We're right beside you." I say, patting her cheek.

She pushes my hand away but nods. "I know."

I wait for her to get into their room safely before I enter ours.

"Look what I got." Carson says with a mischievous smile on his face.

I raise an eyebrow and look at his phone.

Normally, I'd push it away, demand him to delete it or something. But this time- "Could your airdrop it?"

He grins and nods. "You got it."

I stare at the pictures before I sleep. We're only silhouettes in the pictures but the genuineness, innocence and beauty of it are captivating.

My favorite is of her leaning her head against my shoulder, our figures almost as one as the sun lay half above the horizon and the sky was painted in shades of orange and pink.

I add it to my favorites and sleep with a smile on my face.

God, I don't know what I'm feeling but You better give me the go signal on how to act on this. She's too precious to be rushed on and too beautiful to stay broken. Help me loved her like You do.