// 1507 words //

// inspired by laughter lines by bastille //

"MEMORIES ARE MAPPED OUT BY THE LINES WE TRACE"

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M I L L I E

october 8, 2018

i. 

miss.

him.

so fucking much.

it's like i'm breaking on the inside and no one knows. we can't look at each other anymore without tears falling from our eyes. 

i still love finn, more than anything, and it hurts to be this distant from him. i miss his curly hair that i used to braid, i miss his dorky smile, i miss him tickling my neck whenever i felt down. 

i miss him.

**************

F I N N 

october 8, 2018

i miss her. a whole fucking lot. i yelled at her yesterday and now i regret it, because i might've lost her. 

it hurt me trying to come to terms with the fact my mother is no longer in my life, but to lose another person might be the breaking point.

i find myself thinking about millie every waking moment and writing out unsent texts and playing songs that remind me of her, but it just makes it worse. i see her in the halls every day, and i want nothing more than to reach for her and hold her in my arms, but hold myself back in fear of hurting her again.

i miss her.

***************

M I L L I E

october 9, 2018

he skipped school today.

october 10, 2018

and today.

october 11, 2018

and today. 

***************

i brush past sadie and my mom as i run up the stairs and slam the door of my bedroom shut behind me. with my back against the cold wall, i slowly sink down to the ground, hugging my knees to my chest and my hands shaking. 

it's getting worse.

fuck, why can't it stop?

i hear my phone ring, the familiar ringtone echoing through the room and triggering memories in my head. hesitantly i reach for my phone and accept the call, ignoring the fact that every bone in my bone was telling me to decline. my hands clench into fists as i hear her voice again, the voice that has been tormenting me for the past week. maddie.

"hey millie." she says, in a sickly sweet tone. "how're you doing?"

i don't reply, pressing my lips together to try and keep myself from breaking down. 

"well, you deserve this don't you?" she says. i can just imagine her with an evil grin on her face, twisting a strand of her hair as she speaks through the phone to me. 

i close my eyes, trying to drown out her words, but failing.

"what did i tell you?" maddie continues. "finn doesn't want you anymore. i know you want him. it's kind of sad actually." i hold in a sob as she laughs. "first romeo, now him? wow, mills."

"don't call me mills." i whisper.

"oh righttt. mills reminds you of finn. the boy who dumped you because you're a worthless little brat who-"

"why can't you stop?" i say quietly into the phone as tears make their way down my already tear-stained cheeks. my fingers grab at the carpet under me, as my breathing becomes rapid. "you've done enough... please, maddie, stop."

"well, where's the fun in that? its not my fault you can't keep a guy. you know the only reason finn dated you was because of a bet? jacob told me. he made a bet that he could get you to fall in love with him. what do you think of that? why don't you just give up, yeah? just give up on life? that might be best-" i hang up before she can finish her sentence.

and slowly every single shield i've ever put up against anyone falls down.

and i shatter.

**************

F I N N 

"finn, you can't stay holed up in this room for the rest of your life." iris says from the other side of the locked door. 

"oh yeah? watch me." i say throwing a baseball at my wall, starting a dent.

"don't act like you don't want to see her." iris says in a matter-of-fact tone, now banging obnoxiously on my door.

"i do, but she probably doesn't want to ever look at me again." i say, sighing, the thought of millie popping into my head for the millionth time today. spending these last few weeks with her in life like has changed me. i smiled more, laughed more, loved more. she was never just a bet. she was my home and i love her.

i hear iris accept a phone call and a yelling sadie fills my ears.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS FINN?"

i sit up confused as iris finally gets the lock open and barges into my room, holding the phone out to me. i hesitantly take the phone from her. "right here."

"WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU HERE? WITH MILLIE?" sadie yells into the phone again, causing me to cringe and hold the device as far as possible from my ear. "millie, please open the door!"

"what's happening?" i say, standing up and running a hand through my hair. 

"FINN WITHDRAWAL IS HAPPENING." sadie says as i hear the quietest sob from millie. 

and with that i'm out the door.

*************

i bang at the brown-sink front door, growing more impatient with every passing second. just when i'm thinking about going through a window, a confused mrs. sink opens the door. without even saying a greeting, i walk right past her and go up the stairs at full speed, determined to close the distance between me and mills. 

i see a frustrated sadie leaning against millies door, and her face contorts to one of rage when she sees me.

"where the hell have you been?" she says, pushing me and making me stumble backwards. "she needs you."

i ignore sadie as i try to turn millies doorknob, realizing that it's locked. "mills." i say, pressing my forehead to the door. "please let me in. please."

i hear shuffling from the other side of the door, and millie opens it a crack, just enough for me to take advantage of her hesitation and push the door open all the way. i stare at her for a moment, taking in her beautiful, messy hair, and beautiful tear-stained face, and her beautiful sad eyes. i slowly make my way into her room, and close the door behind me as she looks up at me, tears welling up in her eyes.

and i kiss her like i never have before.

i pick her light body up and she wraps her legs around my waist as our lips connect and we become whole again. i run my hands up and down her back as i feel the saltiness of her lips against mine, making me pull her even closer to me. she curls her shaking fingers in my hair and tightens her trembling legs around me as our lips move in sync and i hold her, never wanting to let go. i never will let go of her. not again.

we pull away slightly for air, both of us breathing hard and millie rests her forehead against mine, with her limbs still tightly encircling me. i bring my hands up to gently cup her face and i wipe her tears away with my thumb. my brown eyes stay locked on her hazel and i tuck stray piece of her hair behind her ear as she tentatively touches my face as if i'm not real.

"i love you." i whisper, and her breath catches. "i love you, mills. so much. i was an idiot. such a fucking idiot. i-" my words falter off as i see the expression on millies face. she looks at me like shes never looked at anyone before. "i'm in love with you..." i finish, as millie slowly lowers her legs so shes standing and without any warning pulls me down and presses her lips to mine as if she's drowning and i'm air.

"i love you, finn." she whispers against my lips. "more than you know." 

**************

i just want to thank everyone that reads this story.

i know it sucks at some points, but i appreciate the comments and votes and adds to reading lists more than u guys know.

i was in a pretty terrible mood this week just cause of life. 

my friend group is falling apart and there's nothing i can do about it. it was very toxic in the first place but those people are my home and even though we fight like every day they're my best friends. its more like distancing. issa new school year, we have new friends, new classes, new lunch periods, we don't spend as much time together anymore. i realize that friends separate over time but it just feels weird and sad. 

i had no motivation this entire week for updating but then our first bit of fillie content arrived

CONTENT

the fandom freaked

anyways i feel better and i'm happier and i hope you loved this chapter

- rose