Ace put the little letter from Luffy in a frame and hung it on the wall. He put the stuffed hamster on the nightstand in his room. He was thankful for Marco giving it to him. It didn't feel like a bribe for him to return the feelings. It felt like he honestly wanted to do what he could to help. And he hadn't put any stamp or anything to make it shippable on the box, meaning he'd driven there and left it.

He wanted to love Marco again. He wanted to be who he was, he wanted to be happy. But he honestly didn't know if the love would come back. And he didn't know when he'd ever be happy again. If ever. Was he being dramatic? Was he making too big a deal out of it? People die all the time. Shit happens, shouldn't he just put it behind him? Wasn't it time he should have moved on already.

Was something wrong with him? He sat at the table, wanting the pain to go away. He should not have called the counselor but now he had to wait another week. Why had he cancelled it? Because he was scared and weak. Maybe that's what Marco felt when he left Ace alone in the hospital room.

Damn it, he wanted to forgive him! He wanted to forgive him because he felt remorse and that's what people do when someone apologizes, right?! He was supposed to forgive him by now. There was definitely something wrong with him. He was broken even before. So uncomfortable to go out in public, and it only got worse after he met Marco.

He knew it wasn't his fault. The doctor had told him agoraphobia started in the late teens and early twenties. It wasn't Marco that caused that, yet he stuck with him when it got really bad. Never laughed at him for being scared to be in a crowd. Skipped out on events so he could stay with Ace when he was having a bad day.

Ace wanted to move on and forgive Marco. There was nothing good to come from continuing to be angry and hurt at what he did. He couldn't change the past. It was impossible. He couldn't time travel and tell mom and Luffy not to get on that plane. He couldn't time travel and tell Marco to not leave him, that he'd wake up to him eventually.

If only he could do all of that.

The pain and regret was too much, and he wanted to feel something else. He dug his nails across his arms, but this time it drew blood. It wasn't much, but he was bleeding by his own hand. Literally. He was disgusted and horrified. That's why he'd hidden the knives. He didn't want to go that way! This would just be going backwards, but it had distracted him from the loss. It had made him upset at something else. But, he didn't want to do this.

He immediately washed off the small cut and put a bandage over it before clipping his fingernails down as short as he could. Lucy was worried about him, and snaking around his legs. But she tripped him and he hit the floor hard. Luckily, he landed on the carpet and no furniture.

But Ace didn't grow mad at her, she hadn't meant for that to happen. He crawled to the wall and sat down against it. There was nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. Nothing. He was alone and his future was not bright. He couldn't smile anymore. He had been able to with Lucy, but now he just couldn't make his mouth move that way. Couldn't use his muscles to pull the corners up even into a fake smile.

The only good thing was that even through he felt hopeless, he didn't want to die. Even if he wanted to see mom and Luffy again, he wouldn't kill himself. Hurt himself, well, he already did. But he wouldn't comit suicide. Maybe he was afraid of dying, and it wasn't resolve that suicide was wrong.

Maybe it was his own weakness.

He wanted a friend, but not in person. He wanted someone to talk to that wasn't his ex-boyfriend. He stood up on shaking knees - why were they shaking? - and went to his computer, and signed up for the first online grief counseling he found. He was anonymous, meaning he could talk all about what he wanted with no possibility anyone found out who he was.

There was already a chat going on, so he read them for a while before he said anything.

Hi...

Welcome! You a newcomer?

Yeah...

The person talking to him was "anonymous 1". Ace was "anonymous 4".

What's your story? It's anonymous, no one will know who you are. You can get everything off of your chest. No one will judge you.

Ace wasn't really comfortable with it, but he needed to talk and didn't want to have to build up friendships when this person was telling him to spill everything. He took the jump and explained everything. From the car crash and coma to how he woke up, and how he was living now. He explained about his agoraphobia and the briefly situation with Marco. He said everything. All the things he didn't tell Marco. All the things he didn't tell the counselor.

Anonymous 1 replied quickly.

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's a weird coincidence, but my family died, too. Not a plane crash. My mom had cancer and my three brothers were in a car accident. Two of them died and the other is brain dead. I was the only one left and so I had to make the choice of what to do with my brain dead brother.

But I was there for their funerals. I'm so sorry. I think you should keep talking here to people. It really helped me. I'm still not better. I probably won't be for a long time, if ever, but talking to anyone made me end up not killing myself.

Ace was crying, feeling like he could talk to someone who also had his life ripped away. Maybe talking to someone who wasn't in person would help. So he did. For almost the whole rest of the day, Ace talked with anonymous 1. Someone else joined the chat later, who had already known anonymous 1. He or she jumped in as well, but they had a username of "AllyLu". A weird one, but Ace assumed it was something personal.

Ace talked long into the night. He only stopped talking at 1:00 AM, barely able to stay awake.

I have to go to bed now. Will you talk to me again sometime? Ace asked, worried he'd scared them off.

Of course! If you get the app on your phone, we can message like that in a private chat if you want. Anon 1 was a nice person. Ace didn't know if it was a guy or girl, but it didn't really matter. He might have just made a friend. Someone new to talk to with no history with. Anon 1 one didn't know who he was before, meaning Ace didn't need to work to pretend he was the same person. He still didn't know if he was.

If he would always be different or if it was just now that everything was still fresh.

Thank you. It means a lot. I don't have anyone to talk to about my problems except Marco, and it's hard to talk to him after what he did.

I can understand that. And I'm open to talk most times. I'm a programmer, so I mostly work from home which is really cool. I build websites for companies or businesses. And you don't need to give me your name and i won't pry. But you could make a username or something, so you won't just be "anonymous 4".

Ace almost replied that he was anonymous 1, but didn't want to be rude. As he talked, though, he grew afraid and guilty. He'd just told his internet acquaintance more than he'd told Marco. In one sitting. Would Marco be upset? Well, maybe he wouldn't tell him. He said he loved him, and maybe he did. But Ace didn't want him to get jealous.

But he knew Marco would want Ace to have friends. Just, probably not a replacement. Not that anyone could replace Marco, but they could move and attempt to fit in the space he had, even if the role was different. Ace was not looking for love again. Not when it helped break him to pieces once. He wanted a friend. Something he hadn't had since high school. If those people were ever really friends.

I'll try and come up with one. Goodnight. Thank you, really. This means a lot to me.

Anytime! Goodnight.

Ace shut off his computer and went to bed without changing or brushing his teeth. But, though he was exhausted, he couldn't fall asleep. He had talked to a stranger over Marco. Though maybe he was so open with anon 1 because he had a similar, tragic backstory. They'd both lost their whole family. Marco had fourteen other brothers. Ace and anon 1 had nothing.

Maybe he could form his first best-friendship. He'd always wondered what those felt like. He would not get too close to anon 1, he decided. At least, not too fast. He couldn't be abandoned again by someone he could think of as a friend. He already had enough people leave him.

When he woke up, he felt a bit better. He immediately grabbed his phone, and was a bit disappointed to see it was blinking from a message from Marco.

How are you doing?

Ace would be honest. And if Marco got upset, well... Ace didn't know. He didn't think Marco would be mad at him making a friend. Ace didn't want another lover. He wanted Marco, but he didn't. He wanted to want him. Maybe talking to someone else would help him with his Marco troubles. He didn't know how anon 1 would feel about boyfriend troubles. But he was a big piece of his problems.

Better today. I think I made a friend.

Really? That's great! How'd you meet them?

Ace replied with, I joined an online grief counseling site. I don't know who they are and they don't know who I am. They were really nice, and had similar problems to me. Their family all died, too.

Marco didn't reply for a while, and Ace wondered why. But he couldn't judge, he left Marco hanging now, too. But Marco didn't sound upset or anything. I'm happy for you. Having someone you can talk to who knows what you feel in detail will be helpful.

You're not mad?

Marco replied immediately. You aren't my property, Ace. I'm happy you found someone to talk to. You know I'm not the crazy ex-boyfriend type. Besides, you aren't and never were my project. I want you to be happy, even if it's not thanks to me.

Ace had a small smile at the response. He should have known better. Marco had always encouraged Ace to find friends in his own way. Ace just didn't know how to. Or felt he needed one. He had his family and Marco. Now he had no family and a more awkward Marco. Well, Ace made it awkward. Marco didn't, it was all Ace. Thanks, Marco.

Of course. I hope the grief counseling helps you out.

Me too. Though Ace didn't know if it should actually be called grief counseling. As far as he knew, anon 1 wasn't a therapist. He or she was someone who knew pain and wanted to help others. Didn't mean they were a professional.

He ate and showered before going on his phone. He tried to come up with any username, but couldn't think of one. Something meaningful would be good, but he didn't know what. He finally decided on something that was his name but wasn't obvious. AceOfSpades. That worked out. He had come up with it on the spot, but it fit alright.

He set up the account on his phone with the new username, and went to his chat history. The website was formatted strangely, but also simply once he knew how to get to everywhere.

I'm anon 1. I made the account, this is the person from last night. He didn't give his gender becasue it might affect their relationship if they didn't like gay people. If he talked about Marco, it was obvious he was a man. Ace didn't need to share it. At least not yet.

A few minutes passed before he got a new message, only this one had a different username. MaskedDeuce. Yo! I'm glad to hear from you again. How did you sleep?

I didn't have any bad dreams. Had trouble falling asleep, but that's normal for me nowadays. Did you... have bad dreams, too?

All the time. Still do. It's been a year now, and I feel a lot better, but I'll always feel sad when I think of my lost loved ones. Luckily, I had friends to help me through my tough times. I'm sorry that you have no one left. But you can talk to me, if you're comfortable. I don't want to seem pushy, but time is of the essence when you're depressed and lonely. Loneliness and hopelessness can leave for some bad consequences.

Ace agreed. He looked down at the scab on his arm and sighed. He wouldn't tell anyone about that. They might think he was crazy or pathetic. Marco might call help for him, and MaskedDeuce might think he was pathetic. He didn't want to have someone to talk to only to have him leave him.

I agree. I do have someone, but it's complicated.

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

Ace bit his lip. This was one of his biggest problems, he couldn't get help from anyone without telling them about it. Plus, MaskedDeuce might just think Ace was a girl. And not gross for being gay. He'd never been called something offensive, but Marco said he had.

My sorta-ex-boyfriend. When I was in the coma, before my family died, he just left. He didn't come back. We'd been together for three years. I woke up and my family was dead and he had left me. I couldn't call him. I waited, you know? And I thought maybe something had happened to him, but he was fine. He said he left because he felt guilty every time he saw me. He says he still loves me over text and wants to be with me. That it wasn't my fault he left, it was his own weakness.

He's really nice about it and all, I can't seem to get past feeling abandoned and thrown away. It's hard. I want to love him again. I don't know if I can, and it makes me feel bad. I want to forgive him but I haven't. I don't know what to think or feel.

He finished and drummed his fingers on the table nervously. But it showed that he was responding.

I understand where you're coming from, but I also understand where he's coming from. Just based on that little snippet of information, I think that, if you want to love him, you could talk with him in person. Maybe that would help. You could see if he truly sincere and he can see you and understand the hurt you felt.

Ace was afraid to see him again. He didn't know why. He wanted things to work out. He really did, but it was scary. He didn't like taking risks, seeing him might be a risk. What if he's so happy to see him that it clouds his judgement? What if he forgives him all at once, because he can't do that.

Marco had hurt him too much, even if it was unintended. But... Ace was going to wake up some day. He wasn't brain dead or a vegetable. He had been in a coma, asleep. He wasn't dead. Things were so complicated but so simple. Complicated because he was feeling all sorts of mixed feelings that just left him confused and sad. Simple because Marco left and it hurt Ace.

I don't know. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It's easier to sort them out by myself, Ace replied.

Masked Deuce said, Don't you not want to be alone? I'm sorry I'm just trying to help and I know having someone who cares by your side is a savior. At least for me it was.

Ace looked at his phone, opening the window of photos and looked at the last one he took with Marco. They were so happy. Ace didn't remember what that felt like, just that it felt nice. He felt special with Marco. But he walked out on Ace when he couldn't protest.

Maybe he has survivor's guilt. He would have been in the car with you, too.

Ace's face crumpled. He knew what survivor's guilt was. He felt he had it, being only living because he was unable to be on that plane. It was a terrible feeling. Was Marco feeling that? He immediately went on his computer and googled symptoms of survivor's guilt.

Self-isolation, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Ace dropped his forehead onto the table and groaned. He didn't want to feel bad for Marco, he didn't want another feeling he had to deal with. He didn't want to feel guilt. Marco was trying so hard to get past it and Ace had been nothing but unhelpful. Marco was trying to help solve Ace's problems and not addressing his own.

But was he looking too far into it? Maybe he was. But he hadn't seen Marco since he woke up. He'd seen photos, but he was happy. Then there was that video on Izo's facebook. Where Marco was miserable at a party with his brothers. Ace knew he loved his brothers deeply, treasured them.

Ace had never met any of them except Izo, who he was rude to. Was he the one hurting Marco now? But he didn't want to worry over someone else. But he also wasn't meaning to hurt Marco. He hadn't talked to him on the phone, and he knew how easy it was to add an exclamation point to make something sound cheery.

AceOfSpades? Did I overstep a boundary? I didn't mean to. Ace quickly responded that he was just thinking about what he said, and that he wasn't mad.

I need to think about some stuff. Thank you. I'll tell you if anything happens. Um, is there a way to friend someone on here?

MaskedDeuce sent a smiley face and said he'd friended him. I hope what I said helps and does not make things harder for you.

Ace thanked him again, and then closed the app, staring back at the photo of him and Marco. They were both happy, could they both be happy again? Was Marco even wanting to be together anymore after Ace was shutting him out, even when he was trying to be nice? He might have changed his mind.

His breath left him when he thought of Marco changing his mind. Throwing him away a second time, even though he might deserve it this time. He wanted to see Marco in person to talk about this. So neither of them could fake their emotions. Couldn't hide behind a screen. And over the phone still wasn't enough. He had to see Marco's face and his body language.

Ace's hands shook as he opened the text on his phone and looked at Marco's last message. He sounded so nice. There was no hint in his words that he was faking. But that was easy to do. Pick the right mix of words to not give away what you were really feeling.

Marco, I want to meet up.