"I-I can't do this..." I wipe my tears before closing the door of the office. "Sino ba kasi ang gumawa sa'yo nito?"

"Jivian and his friends."

Bakit ganito ang nangyayari? Tangina naman, oh. Naghihingi ako ng awa, hindi problema nanaman. Hindi ko alam kung maaawa ba ako o dapat masaya. He deserves this, doesn't he? Pero bakit ako nasasaktan?

"I-Im sorry, Mau. Please, let's talk about us-"

"Please huwag muna ngayon. Mabigat pa puso ko, Hailes.. Hindi ko kayang sabay-sabayin kayong ang lahat.. Masakit pa. Let's talk about this next time." I mumbled.

One at a time, Hevrea...

I tried my best not to burst out. No one can describe how much I'm angry. I don't want to here him yet. Not yet. Masakit pa ang puso ko.. Hindi lang naman siya ang problema ko dito at sana maintindihan niya rin.

My heart is getting tortured every minute I see his face. Nakakaawang tignan ang mga mata niya... it's asking for my empathy.

I thought me and Isaiah are okay now. Kaya, hindi na ako nangulit pa noong okay na sila ni Hailes. Hindi ko na tinanong pa o nag-alala sa kanilang relasyon dahil alam kong magkaibigan lang sila.. Akala ko, tapos na at ako na.. Bakit nangialam pa talaga?

"Mau, can you please talk to me? Please, tell me what happened to you in the past few days.. atleast tell me, please? I was worried."

Hailes walked to me and his arms wrapped around my waist. He buried his face on my neck and I felt his breath. I stopped when I heard his heartbeat. It was palpitating hard.

"Please? I love you."

I avoided Hailes. I shook my head and took the box and opened it. I continued taking out all I need. I placed them on the table before pulling his head from my neck and his hands away from my waist.

"Umupo ka muna. Huwag muna nating pag-usapan ang nangyari... hindi ko kaya," I avoided his gaze. Hailes nod and sat on the table, putting both of his arms on the edge of it.

"What happened to you? Why are you wearing a hospital gown? Who hurt you?" He softly asked as I took off the cap of the ointment before squeezing it on my finger. "Sino ang lalaking kasama mo?"

"I just got unconscious for 4 days.." I calmly spoke and face him. I saw how his eyes bewildered as his forehead creased.

"Because of what? Sino naman ang gumawa nito sayo?"

I scattered the ointment on his cuts. I didn't replied. Ano nga ba ang dahilan? I was just feeling a lot of emotions that day and I couldn't take it. My heart stopped and my eyes shut. Ang sakit na ng nararamdaman ko noong araw na iyon. All I want was peace and comfort. Well, the heavens did grant it...

"What?" I hissed when Hailes grabbed my wrist to stop me. I glared at him but his eyes screamed concern. "I just got unconscious because I was feeling unwell. I had too much emotions inside me." His hands on my wrist loosen when I answered.

His eyes softens and his lips pouted. He averted his gaze. "I-I'm sorry..." I continued to wipe the ointment on his cuts, not minding him. "Was it because of me?"

"No, it's not just you Hailes. Marami kayo ang dahilan at dumagdag ka lang."

We were silent. I didn't spoke and wiped the side of his face after I put the ointment. Grabe ang pawis niya, nag-marathon ata ito.

"Can you please tell me what happened? Hindi ko kayang kumalma habang nakikita kitang nasasaktan.." He softly spoke. I stopped. Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya?

I didn't know what to say and my eyes looked away in fear. Saan ako magsisimula? Paano kung magagalit siya?

This is too much for me to tell him. Paano niya matanggap ang nangyari? Ako nga, hindi ko kayang tanggapin paano pa kaya ang totoo niyang anak?  

"I love you... I really do, please let me know why are you hurting." His soft voice calmed my heart.

"Can you stop telling me you love me? It hurts.."

Hailes took both of my hands and held them. "No, Mau. Mahal na mahal kita-"

"Hailes, ampon ka ba?" I suddenly spoke. My eyes began to bulge when I realized what I just said. I cursed under my breath, looking away from his gaze. Fuck that turned out disrespectful!

"W-what? Sino nagsabi sayo?" he asked, surprised. I shook my head, completely regretting what I said. "If I tell you the truth, will you still stay with me?"

"Why would I stay? You hurt me. But I'm asking you, Hailes... A-Ampon ka ba?"

"Oo na..." He left and faced the wall, banging it with his fist. I got startled by the sudden sound. "Tangina, ito ang kinakatakutan ko..."

"W-What.. No! D-don't get me wrong.." I said, panicking.  "Kilala ko ang mama mo, Hailes." I mumbled, biting my lower lip to suppress from sobbing.

I hold back my tears when memories of lola started to flash on my mind. I can't do this right now. I won't cry.

His head immediately turned around when he heard my words. Hailes' eyes lit up in amusement. He looked happy to hear my words and a smile creeped on his face immediately.

Fuck, this is what I hate. I couldn't help but to let tears escape from my eyes. He is happy.. Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya?

"Really? But why are you crying, Mau?" He face me and took my hand from my mouth to cup my cheeks. His eyes were now mixed with concern. "Bakit? May nangyari rin ba?" How can his voice be this soft?

"I-Im sorry.... S-She passed away," I cried, letting out every tears that I held back. I can't take it. Nakakasakit nawalan ka ng isang ina na hindi mo pa halos nakilala.

"H-Ha?" He tried to let out a short laugh. "What are you saying, Mau? My mom's doing fine. My parents support her needs. A-Anong napatay? Baka you're thinking of another woman."

I abruptly shook my head. "N-No.. She told me herself, Hailes.. S-she gave me a picture of of you before she passed away," I mumbled and tried to grab something from the pocket of my gown, expecting that the picture would be here. And I wasn't wrong.

I placed the picture on his palms, gripping it tightly as my tears fell like waterfalls. "A-Ang picture sa wallet mo... S-Siya ang nakakuha."

I closed my eyes. I can't see his reaction. Losing a mother is hard.. I can't see myself in his position. I can't bare to see him suffer. Nasasaktan na ako, baka dadagdag lang kapag nakita ko ang mukha niyang umiiyak.

Tama na siguro ang lahat ng ito, no? Huwag niyo nang saktan pa si Hailes. Marami na naman akong dinaanan ngayon. Marami ang tumusok sa puso ko. Kinaya ko naman, sa huli. I can't let him suffer as well. Sanay na naman ako, sa akin nalang.

My heart shattered when I heard his sob. Hailes shouted which made me fall from my position and cried more. I look up to him to see tears falling down on his cheeks continuously. Fuck, I hate what I'm seeing. I should be mad at him. I should be but I can't take this anymore. I'm scared.. I'm worried...

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi?!" He screamed at me.

I cried, clenched my fist, and shook my head. Fuck, I'm scared. "I-I was about to tell you, Hailes... I went back to school to look for you b-but.."

I never saw him crying hard like this. This was his side that made me feel weak. It hurts so much to see him cry.. I couldn't do anything— kasi kahit ako nasasaktan na. 

"Fuck, I couldn't even spare her a time. Bakit siya nawala?"

"How did you both met?"

I looked down at Lola's casket, eyes swollen from crying. I've been skipping school for 4 days already. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep well thinking of lola. Everything I do... It just reminds me of all the advices she gave me. Lola was a big part of my life. She wasn't just a stranger I met. She was a blessing from Above.

"Dream big, Mau." Tinawanan ko si lola.

"Malamang! Palagi kasi akong tulog sa klase!" Tumawa kaming dalawa.

"Kumain kayo palagi, lalo ka na Maurie." Sigaw ni lola at kumaway kami ni Stella sa kanya.

"Mag-aral ka ng mabuti. Sayang naman yung talino mo, Mau." Tumango ako kay lola bago sinara ang librong binabasa ko.

"Huwag mo akong iwan, ha? Promise ko mag-aaral ako nang mabuti para sayo, lola. Ikaw ang sasabit sa akin ng medal. Valedictorian pa!" Ngumiti kaming dalawa nang malawak.

"Ano ka ba, Maurie! Dapat sila mama mo ang gagawa niya." Tinapik niya ako pero umiling lang ako.

"E'di damihan ko para sayo! Isa lang ang isasabit nila, tatlo ang para sayo para I love you!" Tumawa lang siya sa sinabi ko at umiling-iling.

"Mau, matuto ka magluto. Paano kung wala na ang papa mo?" Tumawa lang ko nang marahan sa sinabi ni lola.

"Nandyan ka pa naman, lola. Ikaw na magturo sa akin magluto!" Sambit ko at ngumiti ng malawak.

"Okay lang umiyak, basta bumangon ka muli." She embrace me for a hug. "Babalik ka rin sa dati mong kalagayan. Tutulungan kita,"

"I've never knew what is the essence of love and happiness, not until I met you and Stella." She smiled, patting my back.

"Be happy always... Maurie."

"I met her in the park.. when I was in 8th grade. She invited me and Stella over her house for dinner. Then, that's how she became part of my life." I hold her white casket, staring at her face. She looks beautiful. So beautiful for someone her age. I want to wake her up so bad but she looks peaceful.

"She wasn't just a stranger for me.. She was a mother to me, an adviser, a teacher, and a bestfriend. I love her so much... that I could risk everything just to see her again." I mumbled, forcing a smile.

Tears started to fall again. Walong araw na ang nakalipas. Walong araw na rin ako umiiyak kasi hindi ko pa matanggap.

"I love you..." I wiped my tears before turning my back to her casket. When I look up, Hailes' family was standing behind us. My jaw clenched when I saw that woman standing beside Hailes. Bakit siya dito? Kailangan ba siya dito?

My eyes fumed. I turned back to them and didn't even greeted them. Andevean pulled my hand but I immediately yanked it and left the place.

Sa harap ko pa talaga? Tangina naman. Ang sarap niyong i-untog sa pader. Nag-break pa kayo. Minahal mo pa ako tapos siya rin pala ang pipiliin mo. Sinaktan mo pa ako. Tangina, sinayang ko oras para sayo Hailes. Marami akong ginawa para sayo. Pero siya rin naman pala. Nagpauto rin naman ako.

I sat down on the stairs. I can't cry. This was anger. Kapag walang tao lang kanina doon, kanina ko pa siya hinagisan ng upuan. Tangina, saan niya nakuha ang kapal ng mukha para harapin ako pagkatapos ng ginawa niya sa akin?

"Hevrea."

I didn't look up. I just hid my face on my knees and my arms around them. Kapal naman ng mga mukha niyo.

"Hevrea, can we talk?"

Hevrea can we talk? Kapal ng mukha mo.

"Hevrea please -"

"Ano ba ang gusto mo?!" I yelled, standing up to face Isa.

Isaiah rolled her eyes. Her eyes are also full of resentment. Hindi ko siya maintindihan. Bakit siya galit? Ako dapat ang galit dito!

"Can you cut you're fucking depress phase, Hevrea, at kausapin mo naman ako nang maayos? Naaawa ako kay Hailes dahil ilang araw na siyang halos iyak dahil sayo. Nakakainip makitang dismayado siya! Pwede ba, kausapin mo naman ang lalaki?!"

"Oh, nakalimutan mo atang ikaw ang nakikisawsaw sa relasyon namin ah? Sa tingin mo, magiging ganito kami kung hindi dahil sayo?!" I swore, clenching my fist.

"Hindi ko naman na sadyang halikan siya!" She raised her voice but I laughed at her remarks sarcastically.

"Pero ginawa mo naman."

"Ginawa ko lang naman iyon dahil may gusto akong malaman! And for the record, hindi naman seryoso relasyon niyo-"

I cut her words by slapping her. "Still, we're in a fucking relasyon, Isaiah!" I couldn't fight back my anger. Seeing her face– God, I think I want to murder someone right now. "Mahal ko naman siya! Ginawa ko naman ang lahat ng kaya ko para mahalin niya rin ako. Hindi naman ako nakisali sa inyo at hinintay ko naman si Hailes sa desisyon niya para naman malaman ko rin kung saan ako lulugar.. Pero tangina, ito na e... Ito na ang hinihintay ko pero bakit nangialam ka nanaman?"

"I'm sorry, nga diba! I'm sorry sa nagawa ko. Alam kong nagkamali ako so please stop you're fucking depress phase and talk to Hailes about this madness!" My fear trembled hearing his words. Fucking depress phase? Ginagago ba ako ng hayop na'to?!

Isa walk near me and whispered. "Don't even think I'm being sincere because in the first place, all I want is him to forgive me. I'm doing this for him to stop crying all night because of a dumb witch like you. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang nasasaktan ngayon, Hevrea... Kaya, gamitin mo naman ang utak mo at ayusin ang problema niyo."

My blood boiled more. I can't stand this shit anymore! Ano ba naman ang magbabago? Si Isaiah parin siya. Ang babaeng pokpok, nangingialam sa mga relasyon ng iba.

At fucking depress phase pa talaga? Ikaw nga itong desperadong makuha si Hailes pagkatapos siyang saktan at iwanan.

Alam ko namang hindi lang ako ang nasasaktan dito. Ayaw ko lang talaga pag-usapan muna ang nangyari sa amin dahil nga nasasaktan pa kami ni Hailes sa nangyari sa mama niya. Tangina, ikaw kaya sa posisyon ko! Nalaman mo lang nakikipaghalikan na yung mahal mo sa ibang babae tapos maya-maya malalaman mo lang nawalan ka na rin ng isa pang mahal sa buhay. Kingina, hindi rin ba nila maintindihan ako?!

"Oo na, kasalanan ko na nga! Kasalanan kong nangialam pa ako sa buhay niya. Pero, kahit konting awa lang hindi niyo ba kayang ibigay sa akin? Mas marami ang nangyari sa akin at hindi ko pa kayang tanggapin sila. Isa ka na, tangina mo. Pinagkatiwalaan kita kay Hailes! Kung alam ko lang talagang pokpok kang nilalang at hinding-hindi iyon magbabago, e'di sana hindi ko na minahal si Hailes!"

"Bahala na kayo, pagod na pagod na ako para pag-isipan yang mga malandi ninyong lahi! Kung gusto mo siya, edi kuhain mo na! Nasayo na... ayaw ko na talaga... Ang sakit niyo na, e!" I let all the tears I've been trying to hold fall from my eyes. "Ano ba kailangan mo? Patawad? Pera? House and lot? Ano? Gusto mo bang ako pa ang mag-sorry kasi naging hadlangan pa ako sa inyo? Tapos ikaw lang naman pala ang pipiliin?" I brush my hair using my hands before continuing.

"E'di sorry, ginang! Sorry kasi ang pokpok mo at tanga naman ako!" My fist clenched as I frustratedly let out all my anger.

I frustratedly ran my hand through my hair as she rambles infront of me. Hindi ko na siya maintindihan. I wasn't even listening to her. There's are more things that ran inside my mind for me to care what is she saying. I was too lost and the pain was too much.. I don't want to face them right now. Not now.

One at a time, Hevrea..

"Oh my god, Hevrea! Hindi ito ang hinihingi ko! Hindi ko siya gustong agawin sayo, bakit ganito ba ang iniisip mo?! Ganito ka ba ka-selosa?!" Isaiah place her hands on my shoulders. "I'm telling you to stop mourning and fucking talk to Hailes about this matter!"

"Isa, tama na." I look up to see Hailes grabbing her arm.

Hailes looked... fine. There are dark circles around his eyes and dried tears are also evident in his cheeks. Pero hindi ito malala kagaya sa akin. Para akong zombie ngayon, hindi man lang nagpasyang umayos kahit papano. My eyes were swollen. I didn't had time to fix my hair and sleep. I looked tired, as hell. 

Halos hindi na ako makatulog sa takot na baka sa susunod na araw, may masamang mangyayari nanaman. Na baka bukas, malala pa yung dadating. Hindi rin ako makakain nang ayos dahil masyadong masakit ang nararamdaman ko para magkaroon ng lakas na lunukin ang mga pagkain. Naaawa na ako sa sarili ko... Hindi ito ang gusto ko. Hindi ito ang gusto ni lola.

I rolled my eyes. Anong kinain nila at ba't kumapal ang mga mukha nito? Sa harap ko pa talaga, ha? Pagkatapos ng nangyari?

"Hailes, talk to her. Sabihin mo na ang kailangang sabihin para-"

"Can you fucking stay out of our problem?! Huwag kang desisyon diyan. Ikaw na nga itong pinasama sa amin dahil hihingi ka ng tawad kay Hevrea pero ang gago mo pa rin!" Hailes sneered and slightly pushed Isa away. The girl got caught off guard as Hailes approach me. He held my hands, "Take your time. I know you're suffering the most among us... So, I understand, Mau. I'll wait until you're ready."

I nodded before leaving both of them. I walk inside the room rented for the wake of lola and sat down beside kuya. He looked at me before placing his arm on my shoulder. He slightly push my head to the side, in order for me to rest in his shoulders.

He pats my back, "I'm sorry Mau. I'm sorry kung nasaktan ko si Hailes.. I know you didn't like it..." Kuya softly spoke. "I was just caught up by my anger. I trusted him, I trusted Isa as well. Pero sinaktan ka niya, e. At hindi ko kayang palagpasin ito. Sinaktan niya kapatid ko kaya dapat handa na siyang mabugbog ng kuya niya." Kuya let's out a short laugh.

Ah.. mas naintindihan ko pa kung si Isaiah ang sinuntok niya kasi malalaman ko kung saan nanggaling ang kapal ng mukha niya.

"Sila Iñigo, Juan, Nicholas, at Kian nandoon rin. Sinundan ako ng mga kumag. Nalaman rin nila kasi pala kaklase ni Iñigo yang si Hailes noon." I nodded, listening to kuya. "Sila ang unang tumawag sa akin at sinamahan ako sa paaralan niyo. Yun, nakasalubong namin si Hailes sa gate at hindi ko na natigilan ang sarili na sugurin siya.. Gumalaw kamay ko, e."

"Sila Iñigo naman niresbakan lang ako noong sinugod rin kami ng mga tropa niya.. Si Kian naman ang tanga, pumasok sa loob ng paaralan at hinanap si Isa." Kuya added while laughing softly. "Nakipag sabunutan na siya kay Isa tapos tinulungan pa ni Stella.. Yun tuloy, pina-pulis siya. Bawal pala outsider."

Ah.. Si Kian lang naman pala.

"Okay lang kuya, nilakasan mo pa sana, joke." We both laugh despite the sad atmosphere.

Silence engulfs us.

"Handa ka na ba? Nandito na yung sasakyan.. Ikaw lang ang kulang," I sighed after hearing kuya. "Hindi mo naman kailangang makita yun. Masasaktan ka lang at wala ka ring magagawa. Baka iiyak ka lang.. Ayaw ko nang nakikitang umiiyak ka, Mau."

Lola... she was abused before she died.

That's why she got bruises and cuts on her body before she passed away. Lola was the one who got Hailes' lost wallet.. Well, basically some men had it first. Inagaw lang ni lola noong nakita niya ang trahedya.

"Hindi na ako iiyak.. Tama na yung isang linggong iyak." I took a deep breath. "Tawagin mo na si Stella."

"Ayaw niya, baka iiyak lang raw siya.. Kaya nag-aalala rin ako sayo, baka iiyak ka rin." I shook my head. I won't cry, this is not what lola want.

For the last time, I got to feel Lola's presence. It was hard but I did it anyway. I love her.