Elle

So much for keeping things casual and fun. After my catatonic freak out, which felt like it had stretched on for and hour but was probably only seconds, Josh had kissed me and broken the spell. I'd kissed him back, more to cover up my lack of response to his declaration of love than out of any desire to be intimate with him. Then we'd just carried on watching the movie like nothing had happened.

I wasn't sure whether he'd even noticed my internal screaming. Was he really that oblivious? Eventually we fell asleep and in the morning we'd gone to breakfast like normal. Now I was back in my dorm, lying facedown on my bed while Lee talked me down from the ledge, his disembodied voice laughing at me through my phone's speaker.

"Elle, it's not that bad!"

"How can you even say that?" My voice muffled by the pillow.

"So he said it and you didn't say it back and then you kissed?"

"Yeah."

"Well that doesn't sound so terrible. I mean it's not like you said something stupid, like thanks or okay in return. You just didn't say anything."

"I guess."

"And you said he didn't act any differently than he had before he said it right?"

"Yeah."

"Well don't you think you'd have noticed if he was upset?"

"I suppose so."

"Have you thought that maybe he regretted saying it and was glad for the chance to ignore it?"

I lifted my head off the pillow, turning to the side.
"What do you mean?"

"Well do you think maybe it was a mistake?"

"How can you mistakenly tell someone you love them?" I scoffed.

"Well maybe he got carried away in the moment and it just slipped out?"

"Whatever. It wasn't like we were on some big romantic date and were dancing to a slow song under the moonlight or something."

"Ugh, you can be such a girl sometimes, Elle." I could almost hear his eyes rolling through the phone.

"Well yeah, because I am a girl, Lee."

"A fact I have been painfully aware of ever since my mom made me start carrying an emergency pack of tampons for you in my school backpack when we were 13," Lee sighed.

I giggled. Mrs Flynn had sat Lee down when I first got my period and told him in no uncertain terms that this was something completely normal that he was never under any circumstances to tease me about and proceeded to put the fear of God into him. I loved June. She was my spirit animal.

"Okay, so what in particular am I being a girl about now?"

"This idea that you have to be in some totally romantic setting to blurt out that you love someone. That's the stuff they brainwash you with in movies, Elle. Those rom-coms are rotting your brain."

I blew him a raspberry in response to that ridiculous comment.

"It's true, Elle. The fact is people can feel in the moment when they feel safe and content. Maybe that's what happened with Josh. Maybe it just slipped out because he felt super happy right then. It probably doesn't mean he wants to marry you and have lots of soccer playing babies together."

"Ugh!" My face was back in the pillow. "But what if he does?"

"Well then, you my friend are stuffed."

"Gee, thanks."

"You're welcome."

"So what should I do?"

"Well, you could end it or you could just wait and see how things pan out. But if you choose option number 2, you're going to have to get over this freak out and not act all weird around him."

"I don't know if I can do that Lee."

"Well then you're back at option 1. Break up with him."

"I don't want to! I still like him. I'm just not ready to love anyone."

"Well then I suggest you keep your head down for the next few days before break and then use the time over Thanksgiving to get your shit together, Shelly."

"So motivational Lee, thanks."

"Anytime. Now go see Brad and tell him I'm coming for him next weekend."

"What are you talking about?"

"Me and your little bro have a date with a couple of Nerf guns on Saturday so don't get in the way or you'll end up as collateral damage."

"Yeah fine whatever," I smiled. "The reason the two of you play together is because neither of you can beat me."

"Pfft, dream on, Shelly."

"Yeah yeah. Love you."

"Love you too, byeee."

"Byeee."

Despite what I'd said to Lee earlier, his little pep talk had helped. At least I didn't feel quite as bad about the whole Josh situation as I had earlier. I just had to get through the next few days and then I would be off campus staying at home for five days.

This Thanksgiving was going to be weird, though. For the first time ever, my family would not be spending the day with the Flynns. Instead we were going to Linda's brother's house where all her family usually gathered. Dad had brought up the matter a couple of weeks ago at Sunday dinner, where Linda was conspicuously absent.

I could tell he was nervous and I was growing suspicious when he finally cleared his throat after we'd eaten and said "Kids, I'd like to ask you a question."

I'd looked at Brad, who shrugged like he had no idea what this was about either.

"Sure Dad, what's up?"

"Well, Linda asked if maybe we'd like to go to Thanksgiving with her family this year, so I wanted to see how you'd feel about that?"

I think he'd been expecting me to throw a fit about not going to Lee's, but the truth was I was still nervous about seeing Noah. So really this was just an excellent opportunity to avoid that awkwardness for another time. Also, Linda and I were getting along well. I was glad she was in my life, and more importantly that she was in Dad's. I wasn't about to make things difficult for them.

So, I'd shrugged and said "Sure Dad, that sounds like fun."

He'd looked relieved and Brad of course had agreed too, though he'd had one condition.
"As long as we can still have Christmas with the Flynns. And Linda comes too."

Dad had chuckled. "Okay Bud, I think we can manage that."

I wasn't so sure I could manage that, but I guess that was a problem for future Elle.

I spent the last few days before the break with a fake smile plastered on my face whenever I saw Josh. When we'd said goodbye the Wednesday before heading off in our separate directions, I couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't going to end well.
If he did love me and I didn't love him, there would always be an imbalance in our relationship that wasn't fair to either of us.