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Chapter Thirty-One:What It Feels Like To Get Your Heart Broken

 I flex my fingers around the handle of the spatula and gingerly open one squeezed shut eye. The thing that's on the pan is not an egg, nor does it remotely resemble one. If an egg could be passed through hell and then book, it wouldn't look as burnt as it does now. When I say burnt I'm just being gentle to my ego. The thing is scorched beyond belief and the sight of it makes my stomach heave.

Dear God.

There are footsteps leading into the kitchen so I know he's there, obviously. The Cole senses are tingling and his freshly showered scent hits me like truckload of bricks. But I must resist and not fall for his boyishly charming ways. Squaring my shoulders, I put up a defensive front and pluck the frying pan from the stove top, dumping its contents into the trash can.

Something cooked is out of the order now so fruit bowl it shall be. Or I could forget about fitting into my prom dress and slather my favourite chocolate spread onto a butter croissant. Now that I think about it that would be a great idea since my date to prom will probably be dead before the day arrives. And my brother will be in jail. Reacquainting me with Fatty Tessie doesn't seem that big of a problem.

Heart attack and clogged arteries on a plate it is.

"I can cook something for you if you want me to,"

"No thanks," I mutter and shove past him to go to the fridge.

Even though his voice sends all kinds of tingles through my body, I'm still mad at him. Honestly, I feel humiliated beyond belief that he and my brother would discuss my personal life without actually including me in it. Having spent a long time cast in Nicole's shadow and not really having much control over my actions has made me a little paranoid about things like that. My life is supposed to be mine and it's not an open forum for discussion. Sure, ever since Cole's been back in my life he's had a huge say and role in everything but this particular incident has me reeling to the past and feeling all sorts of out of control.

Say I actually wanted to sleep with him, then what? Would he have said no because he'd made a deal with my brother? My brother who is in a relationship with my best friend, a relationship I've never questioned or stood against. I give them their space, don't interfere and generally stay out of their way.

Could I not expect the same? Yeah, okay sure Cole's being a gentleman and Travis is being a protective older brother but you have to draw the line somewhere right?

"Tessie come on, I said I'm sorry. I shouldn't have discussed our relationship with Travis, especially not that part of it but I really wanted you to come here. He wouldn't have been cool with it otherwise?"

I grab the jar of chocolaty goodness and nearly slam it onto the kitchen island.

"I'm eighteen years old for Christ's sakes! He's my brother not my keeper Cole. Why was it so important for you to make sure he's 'cool' with it?" I ask, starting to feel angry.

"Because," he sighs, "Because he's not my biggest fan and he's your brother. I know how much you love him and how important he is to you. I just, I need him to trust me with you."

"I don't get it. He's always pushed me towards you. Yeah, he was a bit skeptical at first but he's never outright told me to not be with you. But there's something there, something between the two of you that you haven't told me. It's why you feel the need to be accountable to him isn't it?"

His eyes widen, like he wasn't expecting me to make the connection and I know I've hit the nail right on its head. This runs deeper, I know it does.

He doesn't speak so I continue, "You told me you came to see me before you left for military school right? That you were going to apologize, tell me everything. Travis never told me about that, why is that? He said he always knew that you had feelings for me, then why would he do that?"

He roughly shoves a hand throw his hair as his jaw tenses and the vein in his neck pulses. His eyes stay trained on the floor and he curses under his breath.

My voice is softer now, even though I'm scared to death of what could possibly come next. A lot of worst case scenarios flash through my head and I struggle to keep it together. He needs to be handled carefully now since this is something difficult for him to talk about. I can't be too harsh or demanding but at the same time, I just need to finally know.

"Can we not do this now? Can we pretend that the last part of yesterday and this right now, it didn't happen? I want to spend this time with you not thinking about our problems. When we go home, I'll tell you. Please just trust me, whatever it was, it's in the past and it doesn't matter. But right now can we just be us again."

It's the pleading, puppy dog look that does me in. I'd been prepared to stand my ground and demand answers but when he's looking at me like that and being so vulnerable; my heart can't stand to say no.

I'm such a sucker, really am. And I'll probably pay for being so accepting of his temporary need for denial but he's right. We're in this beautiful heaven like place with a just over a day and a half for some alone time and I want to spend it being, like he just said-us.

"Okay." I breathe and his face lights up, "But only if you tell me everything as soon as we get home."

He grins and hugs me close to his chest, kissing the top of my head. "Promise."

Around mid morning, Cole leaves to get some groceries and I lounge around the house in my most worn pair of denim shorts and layered tanks. I'm just about to really get into the OC re-run when the door bell rings. Hmm, that's weird. We have a visitor? Straightening up, I walk lightly to the door, glancing through the peephole. There's a girl out there that I can't see clearly but she doesn't look like an axe murderer.

And Ted Bundy didn't really look like a serial killer, now did he?

Talking myself out of all my slightly neurotic thoughts and open the door to someone who appears to be a Goddess of a girl.

I should've really put on some lip gloss or mascara or brushed my hair or well, worn something less homeless person like because this girl is seriously gorgeous.

In complete awe, I watch her smile at me as she moves in to hug me. "You must be Tessa! Wow it's really good to finally meet you."

She's pretty and not tacky, cake face Kimmy pretty. She has thick, long vibrant red hair and the greenest eyes I've ever seen. I have green eyes, so I know what I'm talking about. Mine do not...sparkle like that! She's pale with alabaster skin but only in a way that redheads can carry off. She's a bit taller than I am and dressed so, so much better. Her body is the real killer though. She's tall and willowy, those devastatingly haunting figures that rule the runway but she's not stick thin. Her body's toned and there are slight hints of curves which are emphasized by her empire waist, emerald green sun dress and her long lean legs appear even longer in her Mary Jane's.

Who is this girl and why is she looking at me like I'm the sister she never had?

I pat her back awkwardly, clearing my throat as she pushes back to beam at me.

"I'm sorry, I don't know who..."

"Erica? Is that you?"

Cole comes into sight, walking towards us carrying the grocery bags. He puts them on the ground as soon as he sees, 'Erica' and said person squeals she rushes towards him, jumping into his arms. I watch, completely stunned as he returns her hug and then kisses her on the cheek as he lets go of her. Grabbing her hand he walks her towards me, where I'm still standing utterly paralyzed on the doorstep.

"Tessie, this is Erica. I've known her..."

"Practically your whole life right?" She grins and looks stunning while doing it.

What is happening?

"I...I'm sorry I didn't know," I say stupidly, looking at the two of them absolutely gob smacked.

"That's Cole alright. I mean you guys have been dating for several months and he doesn't tell you about one of his oldest friends. I should be offended but I'm used to it." She shrugs casually before elbowing Cole at the side.

We're still standing at the door and it seems stupid. So I invite her in but it's not like she needs an invitation and I figure out the cause soon. As Erica and Cole catch up, I make quite the few discoveries. It's still kind of surreal to watch them. They look stunning together, like Hollywood stunning. I'm on the armchair as she and Cole sit on the loveseat and I observe her edging closer and closer to him as she talks animatedly.

"But I thought you wouldn't be here for another two days," Cole looks happy and not uncomfortable like he is around most girls who have a thing for him.

Does he know that she has a thing for him? Because it's glaringly obvious to me right now.

"I got an earlier flight and this one didn't have as many stopovers as the other one. Then I spent a couple of days with Mamaw and Granddaddy at the farm before coming here. It's just a short visit though, I have to get back to school for the next semester soon."

There are so many things that beg to be questioned about her answer. She seems mysterious, intriguing and interesting. Everything that I'm well not...so I start with something that won't make my sound as horribly curious as I am.

"You're in college?"

She looks at me like she'd forgotten that I was even in the same room. I understand though, Cole has that effect on people. Especially people who might have a crush on him.

At least, I hope it's just a crush.

Still, Erica doesn't miss a beat and rattles off what sounds like a much practiced answer. "Yeah, I'm a year ahead than you guys because my parents homeschooled me until my freshman year of high school. They're Anthropology professors, archeology to be specific. So I've basically spent a lot of time around dead people," she shrugs, "They're on a sabbatical as we speak. I took a semester off to stay with them, well actually I really wanted to go to Italy," Grinning, she focuses her attention back to Cole.

"You won't believe how beautiful Pompeii is Cole! I wish you and the rest of the family could have visited us when I was there. It'd be just like old times."

"Erica's parents and mine are friends. Actually they're the friends who sold this house so technically until a couple of weeks ago this was her house."

Okay then. Now I'll feel totally uncomfortable staying here.

"Yeah and they've traded this place for a farm! Can you believe that? My grandparents are going crazy with excitement since they're caretakers but I'd rather be at the beach."

"Wait, where are you staying? I don't see any bags and I told you, you could stay here as long as you want to."

My eyebrows go up but I quickly straighten my expression. I'm hurt but it won't be the best idea to show it and be crowned the heartless bitch while Little Mermaid over there becomes the victim. Obviously I'm thinking about what Cole said to me earlier, about wanting to be alone with me and forgetting about everything else. Having a houseguest who has feelings for him kind of goes against that doesn't it? How can he not notice the hero worship that's in her eyes as she talks to him? Doesn't he see how she eliminates any space between them whenever he tries to create it and that she's always finding little ways to touch him?

I know the signs of an unrequited crush, trust me.

"No, no don't be stupid Cole. I don't want to interrupt your time with Tessa. I'll just be in the way. There's a bed and breakfast not that far away from here and I've already checked in. I'm not staying here." She protests but it's half hearted, she wants to be here.

"Tessie doesn't mind, she's not like that. I'm right, aren't I?" He turns to me and all I can do is nod.

"Of course, please, stay here. You've got more of a right to be here than me at least."

Cole looks at me weirdly when I say this but Erica quickly grabs his attention with some anecdote about her farm life and I take the opportunity to get away. It's suffocating to see them. A girl who I'm convinced now is in love with my boyfriend and said boyfriend who has no idea it seems.

It's too much like the Jay situation and that would make me Nicole. Dang it, I don't want to be Nicole. But now that I'm in her shoes, I can see why she was so mean to me. I'd done all but drool over her boyfriend and Jay had always been really friendly. Fat or not, that must have bothered it and made her bring out the claws.

Entering the bedroom, I collapse on the bed and wonder where the day's headed. This isn't what I pictured for our weekend to be like. Not the thing about Travis and certainly not Erica. Everything's going downhill and there's this feeling in my gut that tells me that it's not going to get better anytime soon.

On cue, my phone starts to ring from its position on the dresser. It seems like the universe is trying to send me a big fat sign since the caller's Jay. My hands tremble as I answer, sitting down on the very edge of the bed. Chewing the inside of my cheek, I mutter an incoherent hello.

"Tessa? Are you there?"

"Yes," I take a deep breath, "I'm here. What's up?"

"I was just worried...I know you're with Cole at the beach house but there's something, or well someone you should know about."

"Let me guess, her name's Erica and she's more beautiful than any woman on the face of the planet?" I say dryly, feeling my heart sink. If Jay's calling me only to mention Erica then there really is something going on.

"Shit. You've met her already haven't you."

"Yup."

"She's still as lovesick as ever isn't she?"

"Yup."

"And Cole's still clueless?"

"Well he is your brother."

"Ouch. Right, I deserved that but I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Erica can be a little...well a little like a love struck puppy on crack when she's with Cole. She called the house to make sure he's still at the beach house. I knew that you were there so..."

"You thought you'd warn me. Thanks but I've already witnessed it firsthand. But how can Cole not see that she's crazy about him? Christ, I could tell the minute she laid eyes on him."

"Well like you said we're brothers and guys in general tend to be..."

"Morons? Blissfully ignorant, in denial? Pick one Jason."

He chuckles nervously, "They haven't seen each other for a while. Maybe it's not as bad as it used to be."

"Oh it's bad alright, it's really bad. It's so bad that I want to catch the first bus and get as far away from them as possible."

"I can come get you if you want?"

"Do you have a death wish Jay? Cole would go ballistic." I sigh, knowing that I'm stuck here. I hear my door opening and I know it's him. "Listen I'll talk to you later but thank you, you know for calling."

"Anytime Tess. Take care and remember Cole doesn't feel that way about her."

Cole staring at me with a small frown on his face, "Yeah I get it. Bye Jay."

Cole's jaw ticks as I end the call and put the phone back on the dresser. He closes the door behind him and leans against it, somewhat casually. But his body's gone all still and he looks slightly pissed off.

"What did he want?"

"He just wanted to tell me that we might have a guest soon, you know so that I don't get caught by surprise."

His tone makes me angry so I snap at him. I don't want to fight again but he has no right to be angry with me for just talking to Jay. He's the one with a girl who's madly in love with him, hanging out downstairs.

His brows crinkle in confusion. "Erica? Is this about her? Are you mad that I didn't tell you about her visit? I didn't think it was a big deal Tessie."

"Not a big deal? Are you blind? Can't you see she's in love with you?" I nearly shriek but then remember that Erica's probably downstairs.

"Did Jay say that to you? I'm going to fucking kill him. You know he's just trying to mess with us. There's nothing between Erica and me. We're friends, we've been friends for a long time and that's all we'll ever be."

"For God's sake Cole, Jay isn't brainwashing me. I can tell just by looking at her that she likes you, that she really, really likes you. How can you not know that?"

"I've known her my whole life," he says incredulously, "She's like a sister to me. It's not like that between us."

I take a moment to calm down so that I don't bash his head into something. But if there's one thing I know it's that I'm not going to become Nicole. I'm not going to flaunt my relationship around a girl who couldn't help who she fell for. Erica doesn't threaten me, much. I know for a fact that Cole's telling the truth when he says that she's like a sister to him but she doesn't know that. She'd be devastated if she did.

"You might not like her that way but she does Cole. She loves you and I can't be her, hurting her feelings."

"Damn it Tessa! I'm not Jay and she isn't you! This isn't your pathetic little love triangle. Not every friendship is as twisted and screwed up as that! Grow up for fuck's sake."

I stop breathing.

I can't breathe.

Tears sting my eyes almost immediately and my hand immediately comes to my mouth to contain the sobs. Cole's eyes go as wide as saucers once he's realized what he's said. He opens his mouth to apologize but he won't mean it. Right now he'll do anything just so that I forgive him. We'll sweep it under the rug, just like we've done it with everything else.

"Leave."

"Tessie..."

"Please just leave. I don't want to fight anymore. Give me some space."

He tries to say something but I turn away from him and lock myself in the bathroom. The slam of a door tells me that he's gone and only then do I come out. Gathering all my things, most of which are still in the carry on, I make the call which might as well further doom our relationship.

When I come downstairs, there's no one there. The lights are dimmed which only means that Cole and Erica aren't here. I wonder what the poor girl thinks about me. She must think I'm a complete nutso, a psychopathic girlfriend who isn't good enough for Cole. She may be right but today I won't feel guilty. He crossed a line and he needs to know that I'm not going to accept that kind of behavior, not anymore. Not from him and not from anyone.

I let myself out unnoticed and walk back the way we came. Remembering the diner I saw on the way here and I follow the same path until I can see the red neon sigh. I text my ride to meet me there, and I'm told that they'll be there in half an hour. It's been a few hours since the fight. I think Cole left almost immediately since he didn't come to check up on me after that. It's okay, I tell myself. I asked him to give me space and I couldn't probably be around him either.

Still I can't help but feel disappointed.

I sit inside the pleasant and neatly kept space with friendly looking waitresses and order myself a cup of coffee. What's going to happen once I get home isn't really clear to me. What I do know is that the beach house is cursed. There is no way I'm going back to that place. Cole and I were good before we got there.

And now we're totally messed up.

I'm nursing the last bit of coffee in the mug when the door opens and Travis walks in. He sees me tear streaked face almost immediately in the mostly empty diner and I rush to him. Forgetting my annoyance with him, I hug my brother closely and he runs his hand over my hair, calming me.

"I've got you Tess," he coos, "It's going to be okay."

"Thank you for coming to get me." I hiccup into his chest and he hugs me closer.

"I'm always going to be there for you little sis, no matter what. Come on, let's get you home."

Travis hastily pays for the coffee and tips the waitress before leaving. We sit in his car and he turns the radio on to my favourite station. They're playing Lifehouse right now and it's just what I need. Closing my eyes I lean against the window and fall asleep.

"She's with me...No I'm taking her home. She's upset asshole; I'm not bringing her back. Yeah whatever. I'll tell her when she gets up but only if she's feeling better. Just back off for a while, okay? Yeah, I'll tell her. I'm driving man, I'll text you later."

Bit and pieces of conversation flow through my ears as I struggle to open my eyes. My head feels heavy and there's an ache starting to set in. It takes a bit for me to get my bearings straight but then I remember everything. The fight, leaving and then Travis coming to pick me up.

I feel like vomiting. How did everything get so bad?

"Hey you up?"

It's dark outside the car window, really dark so we must have been driving for a long time. The five hour journey looks like it'll soon come to an end.

"Hey," my voice is husky from sleep and from the lack of use. I rub my eyes and straighten up, avoiding looking at the questions in Travis's eyes.

"So we'll be home in about twenty minutes. Beth's making your favourite pasta for dinner."

I groan, hitting my head repeatedly against the seat, "You guys were supposed to have fun this weekend! I can't believe I screwed it up. Great, perfect. My own disaster of a relationship wasn't enough, I had to go butt in, in yours as well. I'm on a roll aren't I?"

He chuckles, "You're being a little dramatic. Beth and I weren't going to do something crazy while you were gone. Movie nights and Chinese takeout was the only plan we had so you're more than welcome to join in."

"Gee thanks," I say dryly and then remember the reason I woke up.

Jolting up in my seat, I look at my brother suspiciously, "Was that Cole you were talking to."

"Yes. He wouldn't stop calling you. I guess you didn't tell him you were leaving. The guy was worried to death. I told him you were with me."

"Oh."

I feel kind of bad now. Terrible actually but I can't deny that I wanted to torture him a little by leaving unannounced. Now that my purpose has been achieved, I just feel guilty.

"Did he...did he tell you what happened?"

"No but he wants you to call him. Whenever you're ready Tess, there's no hurry."

"Okay."

I might just need the time.

Beth takes one look at me and knows that I'm not in the mood to talk. But she looks better, for the first time in weeks her face has some colour to it and she's enjoying herself as she cooks. Therapy seems to be really helping her and I'm beyond happy for my friend. She deserves to be able to live her life without the guilt of her mother's death plaguing her every single second. She hugs me tightly and tells me that Cole and I will figure it out, because we're meant to be together.

Hanging out with my brother has made her quite the romantic. I on the other hand am one step closer to turning into a crazy cat lady.

An extremely obese crazy cat lady, I correct myself later as I'm shoving spoonfuls of strawberry ice-cream in my mouth.

I love how Beth's thought of everything.

My phone rings and only one person could be calling me at 2 am. As my heart races wildly, my fingers tap uncertainly over the phone. Cole's breathtakingly beautiful face weakens my resolves as it flashes on the screen. I nearly answer but then remember how he shouted at me and the words he said.

I end the call and then turn off the phone.

As expected I don't get any sleep and I twist and turn until its dawn and then watch as the sun rises high into the sky from my window. Today, I'm throwing myself a pity party which means that I'm in my pajamas and don't plan on leaving my bed. They're showing John Hughes movies all day today so entertainment is taken care of. Travis knocks, Beth knocks but I only come out for food.

Then there's a different knock. A softer one, a much more hesitant one.

I start shaking and scoot further into my cocoon of blankets.

The door isn't locked. If he really wants to come in, he will. I glance at the clock on my wall and it tells me that it's just after noon. When did he leave last night? Where was he after he left me? I haven't switched my phone on so I don't know if he's tried texting or calling again. I'm being a coward, it's not exactly news but I'm more afraid now.

"Tessa, can I come in?"

My heart breaks when he calls me Tessa. It literally shatters.

I still don't say a word.

"Please. I just need to say a few things to you and then I'll leave. Please just talk to me."

No! Why is he talking about leaving? Why isn't he being his usual stubborn self? The Cole I know would have barged right in and made me talk to him, whether I like it or not. That's what I expected of him, that he would magically fix everything like he always does. But he sounds so different now, defeated and scared.

My heart falls into the pit of my stomach.

"Okay," I say loudly enough so that he hears me but not so loud that he hears to trembling of my words.

The door opens quietly, not making a single noise and then Cole comes in, just as noiselessly. He's still wearing yesterday's clothes and he still hasn't shaved. His eyes are bloodshot and his shoulders slouched in defeat.

Something's very wrong.

"You were right. I'm an asshole and you were right." He says almost immediately as he stands a couple of feet away from me, very near to the door. He looks like he's ready to bolt any second and he's yet to look at me.

"Cole...I...overreacted. Maybe I shouldn't have left like that...I..."

"She likes me. Erica, she says she's in love with me."

My vision blurs with tears and my heart very nearly stops. The way he says these words tells me something much worse is going to follow.

"I was upset with you and about what happened with us. We were talking and drinking a little. She started crying. She told me she's always loved me and then..."

"Then what Cole? THEN WHAT?" I shout hysterically, my entire body shaking violently.

"We kissed. She kissed me and I...fuck!" He curses loudly and kicks my door, "I kissed her back. I was hurting Tessie. I was so mad at you, at Jay and at myself. I felt guilty for hurting both you and Erica and when she kissed me I thought that I could at least do one thing right. That was bloody stupid of me wasn't it?"

I'm pretty sure I'm going to puke. Bile rises at the back of my throat but I force myself to stay put. My mind is racing, my heart's breaking and I can't stop shaking. Its cold, it's so damn cold in here.

"Did you...did you do more than kiss?"

I don't know how I got that out but I need to know.

Cole looks like he's going to cry, "No...No I didn't have sex with her but I'm not going to lie to you, not now. It got close before I had the sense to stop."

That does it, I rush to the bathroom and everything I've eaten in the past twenty four hours comes right back out. I throw up for what seems like forever and when I'm done, I realize that Cole's sweeping my hair away from my face and stroking my back.

I shove away from him and collapse on the tiled floor, "Go away. Get the hell away from me." I'm shouting. I yell so loudly that Travis comes rushing in and once he sees the state I'm he forces Cole to leave.

"I'm sorry. I love you, I love you so much Tessie. I didn't mean to hurt you."

But I can't process a word he's saying because I feel so dead on the inside.

This is what it feels like to get your heart broken and smashed right? If it is, then why do people even bother falling in love?

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