a/n: big thanks to my friend who is actually harley keener personified (derogatory) who co-wrote the beginning texting portion with me!! get ready for 4k+ words of crack to celebrate my FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY on this goofy orange site

p.s: the shirt is real. you'll know what I'm talking about

iron mans secret love children

01:34PM

spudblaster69420: SEX! this is the office (US) now. i am micheal scott (real [very real])

ooiegooie-man: michael

spudblaster69420: IS THAT HOW YOU SPELL MICHEAL????

ooiegooie-man: THATS HOW ITS SPELLED

spudblaster69420: LIES AND SLANDER NOT REAL NKT BASED

ooiegooie-man: YES!!!! REAL!!!!!!

spudblaster69420: NO!!!!! NOT REAL!!!!!!

spudblaster69420: MICHEAL 😩😩😩 >>> MICHAEL🤢🤢🤢

spudblaster69420: stickyboy

ooiegooie-man: the hyphen...

spudblaster69420: the hyphen can suck my dick

spudblaster69420: anyway some like greasy (greasy?? slimy?? normal looking??) kid came up today after i tested that one thing i made on him and said that i was his mentor now

spudblaster69420: is this how peepaw stark feels with u

ooiegooie-man: NOOO DONT CALL HIM PEEPAW💀💀💀

spudblaster69420: IM GONNA CALL HIM PEEPAW!!

ooiegooie-man: WHY😭😭😭😭😭 THATS SO CURSED

spudblaster69420: have you even HEARD his back crack when he moves pete. his spinal cord is a bag of lays being crushed

ooiegooie-man: how do you even come up with these metaphors im

ooiegooie-man: i hear it all too well, my ears are too good for my mental health

spudblaster69420: they're not metaphors websmcgee that's just what it is

spudblaster69420: once again i regret to inform you that i actually do not have a hyphen key and will never look into getting one

ooiegooie-man: you. y

spudblaster69420: me 😍

ooiegooie-man: you pain me physically and mentally

spudblaster69420: yeah that's my whole schtick actually idk what you want from me

ooiegooie-man: [Let's play 8-Ball!]

ooiegooie-man: im so bored harley pls

spudblaster69420: ok

spudblaster69420: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: is this a bad time to mention idk how to play 8 ball

spudblaster69420: it's just balls in holes pete

spudblaster69420: yes i had to phrase it like that

spudblaster69420: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: you sound like ,, this guy from patrol holy shit

ooiegooie-man: the insane one who tripped off the Mexican place on eighth

ooiegooie-man: [Your Move!]

spudblaster69420: DID YOU KNOCK MY BALLS IN THE HOLE ADHSJS

spudblaster69420: oh my god the one named after the game we're playing????

spudblaster69420: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: i don't know what you said for either of those messages 😭 i'm

spudblaster69420: god i don't either

ooiegooie-man: POOL

ooiegooie-man: YOU MEANT POOL

ooiegooie-man: YES THAT GUY

ooiegooie-man: [Your Move!]

spudblaster69420: YEAH WERE PLAYING POOL RN??

ooiegooie-man: I WAS THINKING YOU MEANT 8 BALL

spudblaster69420: IM

spudblaster69420: hang on i found my lavender seeds

spudblaster69420: the intrusive thoughts want me to snort them. the other ones want me to make explosives

spudblaster69420: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: PLEASE DONT

ooiegooie-man: i'm telling mr stark

spudblaster69420: WHATS GRAMPS GONNA DO FLY HERE AND STOP ME? I THINK NOT AHAHAA

ooiegooie-man: [You Lost!]

spudblaster69420: what the fuck webs.

ooiegooie-man: KGJMGMHMH

ooiegooie-man: I HIT THE BLACK ONE IN AND WAS SO HAPPY BECAUSE I WAS LIKE HELL YEAHHH AND THEN IT IMMEDIATELY SAID I LOST

spudblaster69420: YOU KNOCK THAT ONE IN LAST OH MY GOD

spudblaster69420: [Let's play 8-Ball!]

ooiegooie-man: [Your Move!]

spudblaster69420: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: [Your Move!]

spudblaster69420: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: man what the hell how are you so good at pool what the hell

ooiegooie-man: [Your Move!]

spudblaster69420: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: IM GONNA SOB

spudblaster69420: put your money where your mouth is comrade

spudblaster69420: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: [Your Move!]

ooiegooie-man: FUKKCUJJCJJ

ooiegooie-man: I KNOCKRD THE WHITE ONE IN

ooiegooie-man: HOW DID IEVEN

spudblaster69420: pete...

spudblaster69420: please look up the rules of pool

ooiegooie-man: no

spudblaster69420: oh my god

spudblaster69420: did you actually fucking tell stark

spudblaster69420: he's outside my window

spudblaster69420: i'm in school rn peter god help me

spudblaster69420: SOMEONE SAW HIM OG MY GOD

ooiegooie-man: mr stark be like 🕴

spudblaster69420: HES OOINTING AF ME PETER WHY WOUDL YU DO THIS

ooiegooie-man: proud snitch since 2001

spudblaster69420: he's gone.

ooiegooie-man: you wish he was gone, dont u

spudblaster69420: that was terrifyi

spudblaster69420: HES IN THE CLAS SNOW

spudblaster69420: HEES TESCHING

spudblaster69420: HELP ME LSYER HEL

spudblaster69420: Hey kid! Shouldn't you be in AP Calc right now?

ooiegooie-man: ummmmmm

ooiegooie-man: no

ooiegooie-man: but for unrelated reasons don't scroll up

ooiegooie-man: :)

spudblaster69420: Peter.

ooiegooie-man: gtg mr stark bye!

spudblaster69420: I'm on my way.

ooiegooie-man: wait put harley on the phone

spudblaster69420: DID HE CALL ME PEEPAW?

ooiegooie-man: yeah he did mr stark

ooiegooie-man: gettum

04:07AM

spudblaster69420: pete

spudblaster69420: peter

spudblaster69420: petra?

spudblaster69420: no that's cursed

spudblaster69420: answer the phone

ooiegooie-man: what i'm here

spudblaster69420: do you think wallpaper tastes differently based on altitude. hypothetical question

ooiegooie-man: i think i'm scared of ur hypothetical question

ooiegooie-man: but also

ooiegooie-man: no

spudblaster69420: well shit bro im already half way to nevada

spudblaster69420: [image.png]

ooiegooie-man: wtf does that MEAN

ooiegooie-man: WHY R U IN NEVADA HARLEY!!!!

spudblaster69420: above nevada**

spudblaster69420: i needed to test my wallpaper theory

spudblaster69420: kinda hungry rn tho ngl

spudblaster69420: i ran out of coke somewhere above oklahoma

ooiegooie-man: how high are you be honest

spudblaster69420: i am always 420 blazed u know this

ooiegooie-man: BEFORE YOU ANSWER i do not mean drugs

ooiegooie-man: how did you even type that fast

spudblaster69420: i'm jesus christ

ooiegooie-man: if you fall from whatever height ur at i'm not catching you

ooiegooie-man: weird cowboy child

spudblaster69420: u didn't tell stark did u

spudblaster69420: don't be a narc he needs his old man rest

ooiegooie-man: texting him rn

ooiegooie-man: how dare you drag peepaw stark from his scrooge mcduck slumber

spudblaster69420: NO PLS

spudblaster69420: u dragged him from his thousand year coma parker by texting him 😒😒😒

ooiegooie-man: you're the one ABOVE NEVADA 👺👺👺

spudblaster69420: I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUCKING WALL PAPER FLAVORS PETER

ooiegooie-man: send a pic of wallpaper i wanna guess the taste

spudblaster69420: [image.png]

spudblaster69420: that one is from georgia u can tell from the ugly flowers on it

ooiegooie-man: hmm

ooiegooie-man: yeah tastes like shit

ooiegooie-man: if i had a dime everytime i had to call mr stark on u...

spudblaster69420: i am going to melt those dimes into fucking scrap metal why are you a narc

ooiegooie-man: unfortunately i care about you so i have to like, legally, narc when you're being dumb

ooiegooie-man: for my own health

spudblaster69420: then die let me have fun (i joke)

ooiegooie-man: ihate u sometimes (i jest)

11:27PM

spudblaster69420: would you still love me if i was a worm. be honest.

ooiegooie-man: let me check

ooiegooie-man: *shakes magic 8 ball*

ooiegooie-man: i have a hard time loving you as is, spudblaster69420

spudblaster69420: UR FOUL WTFFF. anyway if u said yes i would have said u liked vore anyway do u want to see this glock i made

ooiegooie-man: im

ooiegooie-man: new potato gun mark dropped ?? oh shit?

spudblaster69420: yes but i shaped the potatoes like fries and the fries have metal in them

spudblaster69420: surprise attack yknow

ooiegooie-man: you should make

ooiegooie-man: sorry no

ooiegooie-man: when you come back to nyc WE should make a potato gun / webshooter hybrid and scare mr stark with it, i bet it would be so cursed

spudblaster69420: bet

ooiegooie-man: [You Lost!]

ooiegooie-man: sigh

Through Peter's extreme concentration on reworking the input voltage on a new webshooters' circuitry, he heard a dull rapid knock on the open door of his room. He didn't even care to turn around, instead grunting an acknowledgement.

The knock repeated, louder.

"I heard you, you can come in. Just hold on, Mr. Stark," Peter said distantly, narrowing his eyes and twisting a small wire. "I'm almost done with this, I swear."

Harley clicked his tongue. "I travel all the way down from Tennessee in the middle of sheep shearing season and this scrawny nerd won't even look at me."

Peter jerked his head up, shocking himself with the live wire. He swore loudly and yanked his hand back. "Harley?!"

Harley leaned against the doorframe of the lab comfortably. He shook his shaggy blond curls out of his face and grinned like a feral wolf. "Yeah. Guess who's back, baby. Farm boy in New York."

Peter smiled despite his best efforts and stood up, dropping the webshooters and his tools onto the desk. "Does Mr. Stark know you're back in the city?"

"Nope," Harley pushed himself off the doorway and sauntered in. "How long d'you think it'll take for him to find out I'm here?"

Peter thought about it. "An hour."

"An hour?" Harley made a face. "We're not even at the compound. I'm betting on a day."

"I would agree," Peter pointed out. "But Mr. Stark is supposed to pick me up in like, five minutes, and unless you're planning to sneak into the backseat or something—"

Harley crashed onto the bottom bunk and kicked his wool-socked feet up on the wall. His head draped back, tufts of dirty blond hair falling into his face. He looked very seriously at an upside-down Peter Parker. "Sneak into old peepaw's car? I could do that."

Peter's whole body cringed in misery. "Don't call him 'peepaw,' Harley."

Harley grinned.

"So, what do you wanna do while we wait for him to get here?" Peter said, swiveling around in his chair to fully face him. "I could pull up some vine compilations on my computer, or—"

Harley groaned loudly. "Vine is dead, Parker. YouTube vine comps are 2018-core."

"It's not my fault I turned to dust for five years while you got updated on meme culture the whole time," Peter spluttered, but smiling nonetheless. "Vines are classic, you're just mean."

"Yeah, alright." Harley swung himself up off the bed and lankily dragged himself over to the desk. He picked up the laptop and started typing into it. "Get your scrawny ass over here, you're getting educated today, old man."

Peter screwed up his nose but ultimately did get up and plop himself next to Harley on the bed. "You're two years older than me."

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of your clownery." He looked up iconic TikTok audios and Peter felt his soul die a little bit.

He watched one compilation.

Two. Three.

He picked up on it quick.

Tony was late— he finally ended up knocking on the door an hour later. Harley gave Peter wide eyes before he jumped up and hid in the closet.

"Hey, Mr. Stark" Peter called out, closing his laptop and standing up.

Tony opened the door with furrowed eyebrows. "Is there someone else in here? I swear I heard the sound of teenage scrambling."

Peter made a dramatic show of looking around. "Personally, I think you have hearing loss from all the times you've hit your head in the suit."

"Wow." Tony shook his head and turned around, walking out into the hallway. "Wowwww. May, I'm deciding to leave without your kid! He's actually a nuisance and I don't want him anymore."

"Aw. Shame," May called back in a distant response from the living room.

Peter slung a backpack of his clothes and followed him out into the hallway, giggling as he went. Behind him, he heard the closet door slide open. He went over to May and hugged her. "Bye, May. I'll see you Sunday night."

"Have fun, I'll see you." May smiled, hugging him tightly. "Is Harley going with you?"

"Yeah," Peter whispered. "It's a secret though."

"Ohhh, okay."

Peter squeezed her one last time then left the apartment, Harley trailing sneakily behind him. He ran back up to Tony and followed him into the elevator. (Harley would probably have to run down the stairs. Ha.)

Tony brought his hand up and buried it in Peter's hair with a grin. He ruffled it out messily. "How're you, kid?"

"Yeah," Peter said cheerfully. "Yeah, I'm good, actually."

"That's good."

The elevator hit the home floor, and both of them walked out towards the parking lot. Tony walked over to the driver's seat and got in just as Peter sawHarley slink out of the front door, looking slightly out of breath.

Peter got into the front seat and tried, really tried, not to laugh. Not even a smile.

He looked in the rearview mirror. Harley was walking up behind the car, caught Peter's eye, and made an explosion sign with his hands, then gestured wildly to Tony.

"Distraction!" He mouthed.

Peter tried to fight back the bubbling laugh and turned to Tony. "Uh, random question. What's your favourite song?"

Tony made a humming noise and then leaned forward, fiddling with the radio. "Oh, I'll tell you. It's not Zeppelin either, Parker."

"Uh huh."

Loud rock started blaring through the speakers and Tony dramatically followed along to the electric guitar opening of 'Thunderstruck,' which Peter was pretty sure is a Led Zeppelin song, but whatever.

Using the cover of noise, Harley snuck up the side of the car and quietly opened the door. The music suddenly cut off and Tony whipped his head around in alarm.

The laughter that Peter had held in blubbered out finally, as Tony stared at Harley with his face screwed up in confusion and lingering alarm of what he thought was going to be an intruder.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Tony finally stuttered out, his voice high.

Harley climbed into the backseat and buckled the seatbelt as if this were his plan all along. "Baby, I'm not even here. I'm a hallucination."

Tony's face, if it were possible, grew even more in confusion. He just shook his head and turned back around, revving the engine of the car and pulling out of the parking lot. "This is ridiculous. Does your mom know you're here?"

"Yeah, she sent me here in a cab and said to bring back her child support money," Harley fired back easily.

"Ha ha," Tony said sarcastically. "Both of you are grounded for conspiring against me."

"Eh." Harley shrugged. He looked forward expectantly. "Tony, disrespectfully, you're driving like a city-slicker."

Peter turned his head to look back at him. "Here's an idea. Why don't you go back to your own house, and stop BOTHERING us?"

"Damn, Pete," Tony muttered.

Harley only grinned. "Step on the gas, peepaw."

Harley is hunkered over the blank template of a potato gun blueprint, his hair is pulled back with two hairbands in silly pigtails, he somehow got motor oil on his cheek.

"With all the intelligence concentrated in that tiny monkey brain of yours, and you're still thinking about spuds," Tony said, focused on the fuel filter reserve on some old car he bought for Peter doesn't even want to know much money.

"You know what I like about this place?" Harley said, not looking up from his work. "I can say anything in here and sound smart, but have I read Crime and Punishment? Fuck no, it's boring. Have I read Animorphs? Yesyesyesyesyes!"

"You absolutely and completely blow me away," Tony said seriously. "What about you, Pete? What are you working on?"

Peter, his nose all scrunched, looked up at him with displeasure. He pulled his chemistry goggles up and sat them on his forehead– deep red rings were left imprinted under his eyes and over the bridge of his nose, comically. "I have no idea."

"Well, come help me, maybe it'll clear your mind," Tony grunted, reaching for the greasy rag slung over his shoulder. He wiped away the sweat on his forehead.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure it will," Peter huffed with amusement. He stood up from his desk and began to walk over.

"Wait, can you grab me the, uh," Tony snapped in the air. "Torque wrench. It's on the side table."

"...a sausage McMuffin?"

Tony's expectant hand froze in the air. He looked up from the car's engine with furrowed eyebrows. "What?"

Peter picked up the torque wrench and put it in Tony's empty hand. Harley was giggling from where he sat a little ways off.

"...Okay," Tony trailed off with confusion. He made a face but ultimately shrugged off Peter's behaviour. "Uh. Hop in the front seat, will you? I gotta replace the radiator hose."

"I just have to turn the key, right?" Peter asked, climbing into the seat.

"Yep," Tony called out distantly from the front. He studied over the car carefully as he waited for Peter to turn the key.

"Ooooo," Peter joked. "What does THIS button do!"

Tony's head shot up, his eyes wide with alarm. "Um, no? Absolutely not. Do not press any buttons, what th–"

"Please," Harley called out, finishing the reference. "PLEASE, do not press the BUTTON! You have no idea wh–"

Peter turned the ignition key, and the engine began to rumble. He climbed out of the front seat and looked at Tony for the next step.

Tony stared at him like he had grown two heads. He looked back at Harley, then back at Peter. Then back at Harley. Then he scrubbed a very exhausted, grease-stained hand over his face.

"Okay," Tony tried. "Yeah. Okay. I'm getting serious Deja Vu right now. I know for a fact you guys aren't quoting vines. What the hell are you saying? I feel old again."

"Yeah, you can't know," Harley said casually. "Sorry. I'm gatekeeping you from this one, grandgramps."

Peter saw the energy further drain from Tony's eyes. He always knew that Harley was secretly a dementor.

"This is the reason I'm going to be in an early grave," Tony said seriously, pointing an accusatory finger at Harley and his smug face. "Now, excuse me, twin-brats, but I'm going to order pizza for dinner before your respective guardians and Pepper skin me for child neglect or something."

With that, he marched out of the room, grease rag and all.

Harley looked directly at Peter. "I was bored, so I ruined lab time. Purposefully. And I had fun doing it."

Peter burst into ridiculous laughter.

Four pizzas show up for the four of them, respectfully. Three pepperoni, one Hawaiian. Place your bets as to who wanted to order it.

"Good soup," Peter commented, right before devouring half a slice in a single bite. Disgusted and impressed were the main emotions that followed from the other two.

"With this grease, it definitely feels like it," Tony said pleasantly.

Pepper showed up last minute, jet-lagged from her plane and visibly tired, but still pristine and collected as ever. She kicked off her heels when she came in and walked over to the table to kiss Tony on the cheek.

"Pepper!" Harley cheered. "My second ma!"

Tony, whose mouth was full of pepperoni, ironically, dropped the pizza slice on the plate and fumbled with a napkin to wipe away the grease. Then he grinned happily up at her and put an arm around her back. "Hey, honey. How was it?"

"Same as always," Pepper sighed. She looked over the counter and brightened. "You got Hawaiian?"

"Just for you, babe," Tony said, sliding the box over and handing her a paper plate. "You can have all the disgusting pineapple pizza you want."

Pepper clicked her tongue and scooped two pieces onto the plate. "Aww. That's so sweet of you."

"Y'all are disgusting," Harley spoke up. "I'm trying to eat right now."

Pepper smiled.

"Don't be disgusted at the family dynamic we have," Tony joked. "It's wonderful, it's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing. Pineapple pizza and rascal teenagers that give me grey hairs."

"Maybe your family dynamic," Harley rattled off. "I dropped out in the fourth grade to run drugs to support my nana."

Tony furrowed his eyebrows. His chewing slowed to a very confused pause. "...I'm pretty sure that's not—"

Peter sighed and shrugged. "That means you haven't known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows, of highschool football."

Tony stared for a moment, then turned to Pepper and whispered. "What are they doing? Do you know what they're doing? This is ridiculous, they're speaking nonsense."

"Is it one of those things?" Pepper murmured back, taking a bite of her pizza. "Those, erm... the plant memes."

"They're not vines. This is a new language. They evolved."

Pepper hummed and gave him a useless shrug. "I don't know. They're your kids, figure it out."

Tony sighed deeply.

Peter and Harley gave each other a look.

"Can we watch a movie after dinner?" Peter asked. "I think that'd be fun."

"Not Star Wars again," Harley droned out. "There's only so much more I can take of that other farm boy whining in space. He is a bitch. BI-CT-H."

"Bold words from a farm boy who whines on earth," Peter fired back.

"Easy, boys," Pepper said with amusement.

"Are you going to join us for our movie night?" Tony asked her.

"No," she sighed. "I think I'll get some sleep. Jet-lag and all that."

"That's alright. We'll miss you, then," Harley grinned.

They finished eating and said goodnight to Pepper, then dispersed to get ready for their chaotic family movie night. Peter, who always gets changed the fastest, was in charge of popcorn and snacks.

"Hey, do you think Tony will like my new pyjama shirt?" Harley asked, walking into the living room with his arms held out.

Peter looked up from his phone and blinked. "Why are you wearing a shirt that says DILF on it?"

"Dedicated Involved Loving Father," Harley said proudly. He flexed his arms and turned around to show the whole shirt, a very dramatic collection of skulls on the front with, as mentioned, "DILF" written in big fancy lettering, as if the skeletons were holding it up, declaring proudly, yelling, screaming.

Peter could wail. He could actually break down and bawl. Instead he hid his face in his hands and tried to stifle laughter, before crying out: "YOU NEED TO LEAVE!"

Harley snickered. "Hey, before Tony gets here, get up on the ceiling, we're gonna freak him out."

Peter dropped his phone on the couch and jumped up with no questions asked. "Ok, now what?"

The elevator door dinged, signaling Tony's return to the living room floor.

Harley began to sob dramatically in his faux terror. "Whwhh... What are you doing in my house? Wh— What are you doing in my house?"

Tony walked out in confusion. "Kid, is everything—"

Peter, who very clearly understood the assignment, began crawling backwards towards Harley. "I WANT WAFFLE FRIES."

"Do I even want to know what I walked in on?" Tony sighed deeply. "Peter, stop terrorizing Harley with your Excorcist Kid impression. Are we watching a movie or not?"

Peter was a lot more awake then Harley and Tony were.

He's in the kitchen, shoveling spoonful after spoonful of Cocoa Krispies™️ into his mouth when Harley trudged into the kitchen like a zombie, all lanky limbs and exhausted groaning.

"Aye, good morning, Kanye," Peter spoke up, mouth muffled by the Krisp™️.

"Shut the fuck up."

Peter snickered and giggled so much that milk dribbled from his mouth. He wiped it away with a napkin and swallowed the cereal in his mouth before speaking again. "I mean, you still beat Mr. Stark."

Harley sniffed once. He fumbled blindly with the coffee maker and turned to Peter with a very solemn expression. "That's because I'm a winner, Peter."

On cue, the elevator opened and Tony lazily walked out, his eyes looking truly just as dead as Harley's as he beelined right for the coffee maker. He lightly hip-checked him out of the way and said his first, knackered, declaring words of the morning:

"My house, my pot."

Peter burst out laughing, bits of cereal spewing all over the counter as he choked on milk.

"It's seven in the morning," Harley quoted painfully.

"Seven?" Tony mumbled. He turned right around and walked toward the elevator. "I'm going back to sleep. Later, nerds."

"I was joki—aaand he's gone," Harley said, watching him go. He blinked. "Damn."

"Yeah, he's not coming back," Peter said, wiping the mess of cereal off the counter and still laughing under his breath.

"Do you want to go, like, work on the Iron Lad suit or something?" Harley said, returning to the coffee maker. He poured himself an unhealthy helping. "While the old man takes his annual slumber?"

"Uh, yeah? That sounds awesome."

"Cool."

"Autobots— Roll out," Harley said over the comms, taking off from the Compound's lawn. Tony regretfully followed, while Peter clung to Harley's boot with a web.

"You don't have to say that every time," Tony replied wearily.

Harley made a sound of consideration. "Uh, I think I do, actually."

"He does," Peter chimed in.

There's a huge bull-looking monster running into buildings in Chinatown. It's tall, muscular, horns protruding from its head in a vicious snarl with every concrete pillar it rams down.

"And I thought a bull in a China shop was just a simile," Peter quipped immediately, clinging to a street lamp with zero effort and watching the creature run around rampant.

Harley landed on the street and crossed his arms. "...Okay, hear me out."

"I don't want to," Tony said knowingly. "I don't want to hear you out."

"The bad guy is kinda hot—"

"THE DRAGON?!" Peter quote-yelled. "FROMHOWTOTRAINYOURDR—STOPPP!"

The Minotaur stopped, reared its ugly head over to where Peter was shouting, and growled.

"I think it heard you."

The Minotaur huffed, breath like steam blew from its nostrils. It scraped its legs on the ground behind it, like it was... revving up.

"...I am very uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the studio today," Peter said plainly.

"Kid you might want to move now," Tony said, backing up.

Uh oh.

It charged forward, heading right for the lamppost that Peter was crouched on. He leaped upwards just as the thing came crashing down.

Peter shot a web at the horns and flipped around, yanking down with all his strength. The Minotaur yelled and crashed into the concrete.

"Geez, kid." Tony flew upwards and began to blast the Minotaur with stun repulsors. "Harley, try and get close enough to inject it with the tranquilizer."

"Got it," Harley said. He glided forward and readied the tranquilizer dart. "Hey, handsome—"

"...Are you flirting with the fucking minotaur?" Peter yelled, panting with the effort of holding the beast down. "Harley, come on, dude."

"Harley," Tony sighed, giving off the impression of a father who was truly fed up with his children. "Can you—"

Harley shoved the dart in, and with a few painful seconds, the beast finally fell to the floor. Tony landed beside Harley.

Peter let go of the web and walked over to where they were, trying to catch his breath.

"Geez, goo-man, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?" Harley joked.

"Coke," Peter rasped out.

+bonus:

The reporter cleared his throat. "So, Mr. Stark, what do you think of your new protege, Iron Lad, and his contributions to the Avengers team?"

"I mean..." Tony blew out a breath and looked toward the people in front of them. He held his hand out in an open gesture. "Lemme ask the audience."

The audience cheered and screamed.

"No, but seriously," Tony gave a camera-smile. "He's acclimated really well to everybody. Especially Spider-Man. They love to play pranks and get up to no good."

The audience cheered again.

"Did he create the suit himself?"

"Yeah," Tony sniffed. "Took some inspiration of course, but..."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I—" Tony made a face. "I mean, who cares what I have to say on it? You probably would rather hear it from him, right? He's the next interview."

The reporter fumbled a bit, smiling nervously. "I mean, yes, but—"

"Clap if you care."

The audience booed playfully. Tony leaned back and shifted his sunglasses with a grin.

"Right," the reporter said. The nervous smile grew as he tried to regain control of the interview. Impossible. Tony Stark can never be contained. "And how about Stark Industries?"

"Ms. Potts does a fantastic job running everything, she's handling all the managing of our new line of prosthetics while I get to do the fun part of designing them," Tony rattled off, practiced.

He cleared his throat. "Her work? Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it— She's an icon... she's a legend... and she IS the moment."

Audience cheered again.

"Anything else you'd like to say before we wrap up our interview?" The reporter asked, looking wary.

"Of course. Get your camera on me," Tony said. He took off his glasses and stared right into it seriously. "Zoom in. Is it zoomed in? Good."

"I'd like my interns to know," Tony said clearly. "I win."

a/n, again:

so,, thank you all for reading! i cannot believe truly that I have been writing and posting on here for five years, that is absolutely insane. i appreciate all the support and love that i've gotten, it's hard to put into words how much writing for these two have really impacted my life, as silly and goofy as that sounds

anyways, i'm excited to continue on writing, and i hope you continue to enjoy reading💛