Second last chapter
means we deserve lots of love.

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His heart thumped loudly in his chest, canceling out all sounds of the busy weekend evening. The rush of adrenaline pushed him to run further and further, up the bridge and over the busy highway. It wasn't long before the sweat that beaded his forehead began to flow down the length of his trimmed beard, dripping down onto his gray shirt. Sweet scents of flowering plants from the nearby plant's nursery mingled with the oily scent of the cars that drove through the area 24/7. And yet despite all the distractions, his mind went back to Rafa again and again.

It was like whenever things started to get better between them, something else came in their way again. It was exhausting, thinking that they had reached a point where they were on the same page, on the same team, and then realizing that there was still more to uncover, repair, communicate.

He wiped the sweat blinding his vision. Why didn't you tell me, Rafa? The intense running had taken an edge off his anger, and now he just wanted an answer of why. What had compelled her to not tell despite having every means to? Why did he have to discover it on his own? Had she been testing him? Had she been punishing him? He refused to believe that she would have gained any pleasure by keeping the news from him.

It frustrated him, but at the same time he wondered what good was there in asking why now. It was too late to address old issues, and they had already been through a rough patch. Him bringing up old arguments might just lead to Rafa leaving the house once again, and he couldn't bear to be away from his unborn child. He clenched his fists, confused with the dilemma.

Maybe, there's no why. Maybe in that moment, the one in which she had decided to leave, she didn't want to share this joy with me. He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a shaky breath. If he, too, had been treated the way she was, being given reminders of his spouse's old flames, criticized for his habits, and persistently being expected to change, he would have wanted to escape too, regardless of whether it meant sharing such life changing news with his partner. What has gone past, is past. Rafa was back home, he reminded himself. If he wanted to keep her happy and next to him, he would have to be blind to things—just the way he had trained himself to be around his mother. His mother had always gotten her way, and now he would allow his wife to do the same.

He vowed then to never bring up the fact that Rafa had purposely hidden her pregnancy from him. He wouldn't let her know. Nor anyone else.

"I just want peace," he said out loud, staring at cars zooming by on the highway. "Just peace." And if peace came by sacrificing his expectations and feelings, then be it.

"Where are you?" Rafa's eyes scrunched, trying to see where her brother was as he walking on the side of a road.

"I'm walking home." Yahya said, looking straight ahead, "After your husband ditched me, what do you expect me to do?"

"What did my husband do?"

"He left in a hurry," her brother explained. "I was thinking of calling you once I reached home, to check if something was wrong. All okay there?"

"Everything's fine," Rafa replied slowly, her brain cells trying to figure out why Abdur Rehman would leave the mosque early. All was well at home, he had no work to do, he was in fact bored.

In between her thoughts, she heard her brother say, "You know, in his hurry, he forgot to give me the cookies and cakes you sent."

"Oh!" Now her lips turned into a frown. "No one was expecting him to come back early. What could have gone wrong?" She questioned herself, "And just now, he left for a run as soon as he came back."

"That's strange, Rafa," Yahya was standing on their front lawn now. Rafa could see the house door behind him but without going inside, Yahya plopped on one of the stairs in the threshold.

"Did you tease him too much?" she asked her brother, half serious.

"Why would I tease him? The conversation we were having was about your pregnancy after all-" Hearing his words, Rafa's heart fell to her stomach. "Teasing him about it would be immodest."

Rafa would have rolled her eyes if she wasn't rattled by his earlier confession. "What about my pregnancy?"

"I was telling him about the day when you first told me."

Rafa could now see her heart shattering into the floor with a loud thud. "Why would you tell him that?" She exclaimed, trying to swallow the bile that was rising in her throat. Getting up, she moved towards the balcony. Maybe inhaling some fresh air would calm her down. Panic was making her palpitate in worry.

"You both confuse me!" Yahya announced, grabbing her attention back to the phone screen. "You sound like everyone learned about your pregnancy, except for him. The way his face changed colors and how he rushed out, tells me the same–"

Rafa forgot to breathe. Ya Allah! Things had finally been taking a good turn between them. Each moment felt like falling in love and living that love. Now, everything seemed to have disintegrated just as the sky in that moment; when it had been in vibrant colors earlier, it had now changed into a dark mist of nothingness. Thunder and storms were on the way, and not only in the sky. It hurt her more and worried her to no extent. She didn't want him to get wet in this storm, yet it broke her heart knowing that he was already wet with the storm she had caused.

"Rafa!" Yahya called, "Your silence is scaring me."

She stared back at him, not knowing how to articulate her profound feelings. "Did you...did you not tell him?" He asked when her first tear drop fell. "What in heaven were you thinking?"

The harshness in her brother's voice was new and it caused her to rip open her mouth and tell him the truth of what all had happened. She told him about how overjoyed she had been the minute she had learned, how there was no one she wanted to know before he did, but how tense things had been at home. She sobbed and related her misery, telling him how every time she wanted to say something, her heart feared more turmoil. And how keeping him unaware had just been easier to protect her heart.

Listening to her rant about the trauma of her life, Yahya stood up, moving a little bit towards their lawn, "You shouldn't have kept the news hidden from him, regardless of whatever was happening between you. No issue triumphs sharing the news of something that will, literally change yours and his life." Rafa stifled her tears, thinking how Yahya didn't understand the way Shabna or any other woman would. "When he comes back, sort it out, please," he finally said, his voice soft and firm at the same time.

"I will," Rafa declared, wiping her cheeks.

"Apologize to him, Rafa. If someone else was in this situation, he wouldn't be taking all the weights of his hurt on his shoulder. A few crush the other down with its might."

Rafa nodded, getting inside when it started to downpour heavily. After that, Yahya consoled his sister some more, assured her that everything would be alright when they resolved their issues, and at her request, he showed her cat, Meenu.

When they ended the call, Rafa sat in the bed, gaping at the wall clock. Several months ago, she was seated in the same position, waiting with bated breath for her beloved to come and know that they were going to become parents. But, it hadn't turned out the way she wanted it to be. Now, as she sat waiting for him, in the silence of the room, she could easily hear the rhythm of her heart beat while her stomach dingle-dangled. Her baby was in action mode and anyone can see it with the way her protruded belly lurched in all directions.

A cry left her lips as she caressed the skin and for a second, the movements stopped as if the baby inside was basking in the warmth of his mom's palms. Basking in the love and adoration of each touch and stroke, and again getting back into the spree of joyful play.

She wished Abdur Rehman to be there, to see, to cherish these small moments with her. She wanted to tell him so badly that she was indeed sorry, for not telling him, for putting herself first in front of him, for wanting a momentary escape from the house where she lived with two persons. One, she loved with all her life and the other, she resented.

Several times she had yelled at Abdur Rehman for being deaf to the happenings in the house, deaf for not hearing her heart break. But, was he to be blamed? Did she at least once confronted about the way his mother treated her behind his back? Of the taunts she heard?

Abdur Rehman cared as if she was as delicate as a rose, going out of his way to ensure she was doing okay. Would he allow his mother to taunt her in front of him? Shabna had said that some men defend their women behind their backs; she now believed that Abdur Rehman was one of those men, without having any proof. He would never intentionally hurt her or let her get hurt.

Yes, he was and still is a Mama's boy but behind that image, he cared for his wife too. I will apologize, she thought. Never in her dreams will she want him to look at her in the shadow of his mother.

Once we become a team, no one can beat us.

Rafa was assuring herself the same when she heard a knock on the door, a joy erupted from the bottom of her heart as she rushed to open the door only to be filled with disappointment.

"He is not answering my calls," Tayyaba said, her forehead filled with creases. "Do you know where he went?"

"I am waiting for him too. He said he was going for a run." Rafa took a few steps back to let her mother in law inside the room, but Tayyaba stood rooted to her spot at the threshold.

"He should have been back by now," Tayyaba whispered to herself, not in the senses to see Rafa's gesture for her to come inside. She finally let out a tired sigh, palming her phone. "Inform me if he calls. This boy brings out my worst fears," she blabbered, her brown eyes distant as she turned around, "I will wait for him in the living room in case he returns."

She started to go down the staircase, whispering to herself.

"Let's wait together," Rafa called out, quickly slipping on her fuzzy slippers and shutting the bedroom door. She followed her mother in law to the living room downstairs.

A shrill thunder went past them by the staircase window, startling them both. Rafa's hand went to support her belly, comforting herself and her child as fear visited them even more.

"He didn't even take an umbrella," This time, it was Rafa, her tone soft and fearful.

Tayyaba would have missed her whisper if she wasn't trailing behind her. Her heart warmed on the sincerity of Rafa's words, it was as if hearing her own self speak. Someone cared about her son the way she did.

As they sat on the sofa, they remained silent for several minutes, lost in their own thoughts. Abdur Rehman meant so much to both of them in the capacities of the relationship they shared with him. For Tayyaba, he was her anchor, an extension of her. For Rafa, he was her other half, the backbone of her life; her aspirations, her joys, all of them were based on him. Without him, she was nothing.

Tayyaba's throat constricted with worry. She looked faint as she leaned deeper on the couch, holding her head. Noticing this, Rafa said, "Let me bring you some water." She started to get up to go towards the kitchen,

"Nai Beti, don't tire yourself," her mother in law's voice was gentle, unlike how cutting and critical it had been only a couple of hours earlier.

Rafa nodded, unsure about the wants of her mother-in-law, but abiding to her words, she sat across from her in the loveseat, toying the beads of her cashmere shawl. The living room was filled with the pitter-patter sound of the raindrops hitting the ground, the curtains failing to hide the lightning that was followed with heavy thunders.

"You know, he thinks I have no clue of his little hobby," Tayyaba stated, her voice suddenly grew old and like that of a mother, "I know the moment he steps out of the house, I know the sound of his tiptoes. I know how much he cherishes his runs. It's not only a hobby for him, it's his stress buster too. Sometimes, he runs to make himself happy, and other times, he runs to overcome his sadness," Tayyaba continued, speaking to herself more than to Rafa.

Rafa's eyes never left Tayyaba's face, the vulnerability in her words and the fact that she was speaking to her in such an open and honest manner, surprised her. The same mouth that was usually so contemptuous, spoke words so raw. "He won't confess it, but he started running at night when he lost his father." She lifted her gaze to look at Rafa's.

The watery state of her eyes, the open whirlpool in them hit Rafa harder than the storm brewing outside. For a moment, she could look into her mother in law's soul and see the old, vulnerable woman who was still recovering from the loss of her husband even decades later. It erupted a tornado in Rafa's own gut.

"I knew when he started leaving at night, thinking that I was asleep. 1 am, 2 am, and sometimes even at tahajjud. It's terrifying, the thought of him stepping out in the dark of the night and getting hurt."

Rafa's mind went back to the day her mother in law's fears had taken shape; the day he had fallen and came to the hospital. The day he had met her, and maybe the day they had rested eyes on each other and then never taken them off.

Something compelled Rafa to get up and make it to the same sofa her mother in law sat at. She wanted some distance between them, some space for each other to breathe and not cross paths, but at that moment, both of them only had each other. In that moment, Rafa could look through the open crack of Tayyaba's heart and see her fears.

"I started scheduling his runs, encouraging him to do them in the daytime, admonishing him not to go at night, and even going as far as purposely losing his set of house keys, but he didn't budge." An annoyed sigh left Tayyaba's lips. "So I stopped trying. I let him have that one thing, But, by God, I hate it."

"I don't like when he runs like that too," Rafa confessed. "At night, or when the weather is as bad as it is right now. He doesn't think, he just starts running." Her whining made her sound like an unhappy wife, but it resonated with her mother in law, who nodded and sighed, which to Rafa, was like hearing the creek of a door that was opening after a long time.

"He's reckless when it comes to his own self."

"Very careless," Rafa agreed. Every issue, every argument, everything between them never started as I feel, for me, I. It was always about someone else. He was selfless to the extent that it annoyed her.

I can't live without you. The recollection froze Rafa in her place, halting every single thought of hers. No, she thought, her palms going moist, he is selfish when he wants to be. Rafa lifted her eyes to find Tayyaba observing her. All of a sudden, it hit Rafa, the realization of why. Why her mother in law was the way that she was with her.

"You see me like that too, don't you?" Rafa dared to say, her voice calm and completely opposite of the state inside. She was not ready for this conversation. She had never expected it to happen, especially not like this. "Like his running at night, in the storms, you hate me because I am that one thing only he owns." The word made her laugh. She had reduced herself to an object for the sake of her beloved. What is love but a slow walk down the road of humiliation. She had fallen from being the princess that she was in her parents' home, to the unwanted thing she had become for the sake of being close to who she loved.

"Yes." Tayyaba's brutal honesty knocked down Rafa's defenses. "I don't hate you, par say, but like the way he refuses to give up his running no matter what I did, I know he won't change in his attachment to you. He loves you like that, with that selfish, unwavering need. And I only realized it when you were away."

Tears flowed Rafa's eyes. She was overwhelmed with love, guilt, fear, and gratitude.

"So you've accepted it?" Rafa asked, trying to find her voice. "That you can't break us apart."

Tayyaba shook her head. "Not that." She gulped. "Abdur Rehman has given up a lot of dreams for my sake, ones that he couldn't even begin to dream because he had become aware of his duty to me. And I acknowledge each and every one of them. Who else but me knows him that well? That's why...I realized that if I were to somehow take you out of his life, I would resent myself for the rest of my life."

Even in her mother in law's love for her son, Rafa saw the selfishness in it. But her own feelings came back to her, wasn't she too, being selfish to a certain extent. Wasn't she too, subjecting Abdur Rehman to more and more simply because he just took it? Anguish roamed Rafa's body like an intruder. Her husband had already lived a life of sacrifices, holding her grievances in silence and letting things just be would only pile them up until it exploded in their faces. She needed to sit down and talk to him, she thought. They could fix everything.

Her small body trembled with the thoughts, only freezing up when Tayyaba placed her arm around her. "I am sorry," Tayyaba whispered, "I've stressed you out too." She looked towards the window. "He'll be here soon, I know it."

Rafa nodded, feeling powerless and yet more awake than she had ever been in her life. Courage buzzed through her, prompting her to say the next words. "You hurt me."

Tayyaba pulled her arm back. "Sorry, I didn't mean to hold too tigh–"

"No." Rafa shook her head. "You said you love Abdur Rehman, you said you did whatever you could to protect him in the way you understood. You even said you accepted me because I...I make him happy." Her voice cracked, but she gulped and kept going on. "But what about me? What about me?"

In the silence that stretched between them, they communicated everything without a word leaving their lips. What about me? Why did you treat me that way? Was I not someone's daughter? Was I not a human who is loved too? And why don't you see that I loved him first? That I have never shared him before? That I cannot bear seeing him take his eyes off me?

Rafa opened her mouth to speak, suddenly feeling guilty for her harshness. But Tayyaba spoke first. "I am sorry for hurting you. I am blind when it comes to him. In my blindness of his love, I am sure I have done injustice upon you."

"No, no. It's not that-" Rafa cried out, trying to keep her own tears to not shed.

A louder thunder clap shook the house, filling their hearts with worry. Where was Abdur Rehman? Was he safe?

Tayyaba uttered, "I am so worried."

Not knowing what to do, Rafa moved forward and pulled her mother-in-law in a side hug, drawing circles in her back. They sat like that for a long time, until Tayyaba's sobs decreased to a steady breathing and Rafa's eyes turned towards the door, willing for it to open and for Abdur Rehman to walk in.

In the small of the window next to the door, she saw a flicker of a shadow. "I think he is back," Rafa pulled away.

"I think Abdur Rehman is back," she repeated, rushing towards the door to open it for him.

"Rafa, be careful," Tayyaba called out, getting up too.

Just as she was reaching the threshold, in her hasty steps, she slipped on the same carpet she had thrown up a few weeks ago.

Landing on her back with a thud.

author's note: As we are nearing the end, after the epilogue, we're thinking of doing an faq chapter. do you guys have any specific questions? something you'll like to know more about? something that puzzled you? or maybe something about the writing process?