song: the first one by Astrid s (live performance I Vevo)

This is going to be a different one, today we are going to talk about love. And you must be wondering, what's the difference since we already talked about love before? well, today we'll talk more specifically to all the ones I ever loved, the ones that loved me.

To my third, I wanted to say that I'm sorry, you were probably the one that got the worst of me because I actually made you believe it could have worked, I led you on and I hate myself for it — I've always known it wouldn't work. But don't blame yourself for wasting your love on me, don't go filling your mind with wonders if you did everything right, it wasn't your fault and I know I've lied to you before, but this time, please, believe me.

And to my second one, oh my second, you are the one I'm sorrier for. You got the messiest version of me, you had no idea of the mayhem I was and I let you on dark when I knew what I was doing. I was stupid, I was ruined, I was healing but the healing never happened. And I'm sorry that I did you wrong. But then again, it wasn't your fault either — I gave too much to the first one and there ain't nothing I can do about it, believe me, I tried.

The matter is that I just can't forget some of the words he said, they are still floating on my ears as sweet as honey can be. The memories in my bed keep coming back again like daggers in my mind, and every time I close my eyes to sleep the sheets become a ghost of his arms, and suddenly sleeping alone it's better because at least I can moan his name in the dark, pretending he still there. So I'm sorry because I know what I've been doing, I'm selfish to that point — running through 'em just to try and catch a feeling, but the feeling never happened.

And to the first one, really, you should be the one that's sorry, you took too much from me before realizing it was too much for you. You should be sorry that you did me wrong — but don't worry, I don't blame you entirely because I was there too, I saw it coming and instead of running away I stayed, and let you crave yourself on me in a way I could never wash away.

To all the ones I ever loved and to the ones that loved me, I'm sorry that I did you wrong, it's just that I gave too much to the first one.

KAYCEE RICE by
COSMO MAGAZINE

And then she published with sweaty hands — she had been nervous about this article for weeks but after her last break up, four weeks ago, she needed to write her feelings out. Even because that's pretty much the reason she decided to be a journalist after all.

She was first nervous because she didn't think her editor would let her publish such a personal article — but being honest that was pretty much the reason why they hired her, Kaycee's ability to turn mundanes subjects into interesting, personal, passionate, and human things.

After her editor gave her a green light, she got even more nervous because everyone would see a way more personal side of her. Her parents would read, her friends would read, everyone would read — he could read.

"Oh, you know he's gonna read that," Tahani said behind Kaycee — the journalist was so lost in her thoughts she didn't even notice that her friend had slid her pink chair to her desk.

"Stop it." She said, turning off her computer screen. "He won't read it, he probably doesn't even know where I work."

"Of course he knows."

"And how do you know that?" She asked, turning to her friend.

"Because I told him last time I was in LA." She said and Kaycee looked at her with wide eyes.

"And why would you tell him something like that, Hani?" She wondered, standing to grab some coffee — her fella journalist followed her.

"Well I never imagined you would write something like this for him, I was trying to make you look cool, you know?" She said. "He asked how you were doing and I said you were fine, working here and with a boyfriend... well, ex now."

"First, this wasn't for him." She said angrily as they walked into the office's kitchen. "It was for me, and for the ones I hurt. It was about him, no for him."

"Potato, Potato." Said Tahani, serving them coffee. "Same thing."

"No, it's not the same thing." She said, grabbing two donuts for them as they sat on the big island to eat. "I'm not trying to reach out for him or anything like that."

"Then why there's a paragraph in which you start by 'and to the first one', hun?" Said the other, grabbing one of the donuts and drinking her coffee.

Kaycee played with her fingers. "Because-"

"Becauseeee..."

She sighed. "Because I need to vent, alright? It's therapeutic, you should try... now I feel like I'm finally free of the ghost of him."

"Yeah, right..." The other scoffed. "Are you saying that if he reaches out after reading this, you won't talk to him?"

"Well, I didn't say I wouldn't talk."

The other laughed, then sighed. "Just be careful, alright? He changed quite a lot, don't make the same mistake he did."

Kaycee frowned as her friend stood up, with her coffee in hands. "What do you mean?"

"Don't take too much if you don't know if you can handle it." She answered. "Just think about, alright?... I have to run to next week's cover photoshoot, love ya."

"Love you too," Kaycee answered like a robot, not knowing really how to feel about what her friend said. 

It was un ultra to her, she couldn't believe her friend could insinuate she would ever act like him. She could never lead someone on, made someone believe she would stay forever and just leave when things get too serious — well, actually, that was literally what she had been doing to everyone she dated after him.

She sighed and went back to her table — every time she published a new article she would like to check her email and answer some of the readers, she could never answer all of them but she really enjoyed giving back to them a little bit.

subject: glad to not be alone
"Hi Kaycee, love this week's article. I get you totally, I've never forgotten my second boyfriend and now I can't get myself to make a relationship last more than a couple of months. it really makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one. Can't wait for your next week article. - Abby"

answer; subject: glad to not be alone
Hi, Abby, I'm really glad to find others like me too — honestly, it would be better if neither of us was in this situation, but it's always good to know we are not on our own. Thank you for all the love.

KAYCEE RICE by

COSMO MAGAZINE

subject: it gets better
"Oh Kaycee, I feel bad for you but even more for him, you are such an inspiration for so
many, is really his loss that he couldn't stay with you. And eventually, it gets easier, I used to face the same issues, but then I've met my husband and everything changed, suddenly the one I couldn't forget was just a memory. I hope you find a way to forget your first one, or to forgive him, or to be with him if he's not only the first one but actually 'the one'. — Emma"

answer; subject: it gets better
Hi, Emma, thank you for the advice, I'm glad everything worked out just fine for you, and for your husband, I wish you all the happiness with him. I hope it works out fine for me too. Thank you for reading my articles and all the love.

KAYCEE RICE
COSMO MAGAZINE

Those were some of the many emails she answered, and it was just a hint from all the things they would send her daily — it was always someone who felt like her, or had any advice for her, or people asking her for advice, or people just expressing their love for her writing.

She was used to it and she really didn't mind reading them or answering, in fact, late at night, when alone in her apartment, she would go through it and read it all, or as much as she could — it would always make her feel loved and not alone, and every email was a new surprise even if she already knew the average kind of subjects she would receive.

The readers would always try to make up an interesting subject, in worded to try and catch Kaycee's eyes, a way to try and reach, so it was never simple — therefore a simple one caught her eyes in between so many others.

subject: hi
"he should be sorry, and i bet he is. i bet he goes around living his life wondering, how the hell he let you go. trying to find your gaze in every eye contact, trying to find your lips in every kiss, your hands in every touch, your giggles in every laugh, your body in every bed. i bet he can't find. and i bet even more that he knows he won't find it, because he knows you're one of a kind, the one, and only kaycee rice.

and i bet he is sorry for all the guys you hurt because he hurt you, i bet he is sorry for all the girls he hurt trying to find you in them when he knew he wasn't going to. i bet he knows he was selfish with you, and that he was selfish when it came to them too.

and i bet he knows he's being selfish now, trying to reach out when you are trying to forget, but he is truly sorry that he did you wrong, it's just that he didn't know how to give back all the things you gave him. he didn't believe he would ever be able of giving you half of what you gave him."

Kaycee didn't need a name at the end, she knew from who this was even with an email address that made no sense or a signature — she wished to want to scream, she desired wanting to be furious, she dreamed of wanting to cry, but in reality, all she wanted was to answer.

Her mind was telling not to and so was her heart, but some other part of her that she didn't quint understood was craving to answer — her hands were sweating, wanting to reach for the keyboard. But she didn't, it was almost night time and the office was closing so she turned the computer off and head home.

She took a shower, watered her plants, sat on the couch to chill on her phone, and was about to fix some dinner for one — as she would every night — but then her eyes kept dragging themselves to the email. She read his words over and over and over again until she almost knew them without needing to look.

Without thinking twice, she started an answer.

      answer; subject: hi
I don't understand why you didn't put your name at the end, as if I'm stupid to the point of not know it was your words on the screen, as if I didn't read the whole thing on your voice — I ain't that stupid, and if you were trying to be poetic just know that the attempt didn't soften my heart.

I wish I could be the bigger person here but I would be lying to say otherwise, I'm glad it hasn't been easy for you too, somehow it makes me believe in cosmic justice, karma, or whatever — if I can be entirely honest, I'm happy I'm not the only one that's sorry for your mistakes, I'm happy you go around trying to find me and even happier that you haven't been able to. I'm sorry for the girls that got hurt in the way, but I'm happy I wasn't so easy to forget after all, not as easy to forget as you made me believe I was.

I knew you were going to reach out, so don't worry about being selfish, I guess part of me was even hoping to hear from you — I think a big part of me still don't understand how it was so easy for you to leave me so cowardly, a simple letter and not word ever again, suddenly you were on the other side of the world.

I do believe in what you wrote at the end of the letter though, so don't think I'm trying to convince you that we should be together or that we would have worked — I just need to say to you all the things stuck in my throat, all the things you were too much of a coward to face...

She stopped typing as she noticed how angry she was — she believed to be over with this rage years ago, but surprisingly enough there's was still a lot of pain in her heart when it came to him.

Kaycee took a deep breath, realizing how much of a mistake it would be to actually answer him, she would be poking an open wound, so she started to delete everything but before she could erase two letters her finger slipped and touched send — and as quick as that her words were sent to him.

The email was sent around eight pm and forty-five minutes later the only thing Kaycee did was walk around her house, nervous and afraid he wouldn't answer, and even more nervous and afraid to be answered — every notification on her phone would make her jump.

Around half-past nine she received a new email, with trembling hands she opened the app and it was from him — this time he signed.

     subject: hi - sean lew
"then come say to me. i'm in new york, i'm staying at the empire hotel, meet me in the bar in a hour. i'll be waiting for you."

Kaycee stared at her phone, reading it over and over again as her eyes couldn't believe the words — he was there asking to see her in person as if it was something casual for them as if it had not been five years.

She took a deep breath and walked to her room, changed from her pajamas to something else, and left the house — five years and there she was, grabbing a uber to see him in person because after all this time he still held too much of her. And was time to take it back.

Or give him more.

***
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