Kabanata 14

Trigger Warning: Violence, homophobia, and foul words.

Ignored

The past weeks were just like any other typical week, filled with school workloads, social hangouts, practice matches, parties, and any other engaging events that we usually partake in. Sobrang dami nga lang ng ginagawa at hindi ko na alam kung ano ang uunahin.

"Should I order muffins, Raf?" tanong ni Cole sa tabi ko habang may ginagawa siya sa laptop niya.

We were inside a café, just nearby my condominium building since we weren't able to finish our assignments last night. Dito namin binalak na tapusin 'yon dahil ngayong araw ang pasahan no'n. Paano ba naman kasi, masyado silang nagsaya kagabi at inabot kami ng madaling araw. Ngayon ay kami ang naghihirap dahil puro kami pasarap.

"Yeah. Don't forget the coffee, Cole." humikab pa ako bago ko nilagay ang laptop ko sa table at binuksan 'yon.

"Ayon lang? Parang gusto ko rin ng cake," he said while still doing something on his laptop.

"Bahala ka. Hindi naman tayo magtatagal dito," sabi ko at nilabas ang isang libro pati ang mga highlighter pens ko.

Tumayo siya para bumili ng pagkain at kape namin. Ako naman ay abala sa ginagawa ko dahil kailangan ko talaga itong matapos ngayon. I've made some important annotations in my book while answering some of our activity questions on my laptop.

Hindi naman mahirap sagutan 'yon dahil puro opinion lang naman ng tao ang hinihingi. Kahit 'yung iba ay natapos ko rin at hindi ako inabot ng mahabang oras sa pagsagot no'n. Isa na lang ang sasagutan ko at gusto ko na agad umpisahan 'yon.

"Tapos ka na?" si Cole nang makabalik siya.

He was gone for almost ten minutes and I think it's because of the time he spent placing an order for his cake. He's quite having a hard time choosing some flavor whenever he eats sweets. But it's a good thing that he didn't forget my coffee and our muffins. Dito kasi kami agad dumiretso kaya hindi kami nag breakfast.

"May isa pa," maikli kong sagot at kinuha ang coffee ko sa tray na hawak niya.

Bumalik siya sa upuan niya at nagsimula na rin siyang magsagot. I decided to rest for some minutes before finishing my last task. Ayoko namang tumanganga rito habang siya ay nagsasagot pa rin. At isa pa, mahaba pa naman ang oras bago magsimula ang klase kaya hihintayin ko na lang siyang matapos.

"Ang bilis mo naman. Sagutan mo na rin kaya 'to?" ngisi niya at akmang kukuhanin ko na ang laptop niya pero agad niyang tinapik ang kamay ko.

I smirked at him too. He knows that I might alter his answers, so I doubt he will entrust me with his tasks.

"Sasagutan ko na nga, ayaw mo pa?" mayabang kong sinabi.

"I don't need your help, Raf. Noong huling pinasagot ko sa'yo ang activity ko ay wala akong nakuhang puntos. Do you know why?" he arched his brow.

My brows knitted in confusion because I don't recall the last time he let me answer his activity. Palagi kasi kaming magkaklase pati na rin ang iba ko pang mga kaibigan kaya naman hindi ko na talaga maalala. Unless he was talking about that...

Agad na sumilay ang ngisi sa labi ko nang maisip ang nakaraan. Is he pertaining to that?

"Raf. The question there is 'What age should kids have social media?' and you fucking answered that 'When they come out of their momma's womb.' The fuck, bro? Do you seriously think that they already have the intelligence to do that?" inis niyang sinabi dahilan para humagalpak ako.

I suddenly remembered our high school days. It's in the past and I think we were in grade ten that time.

"And here's the worst part, Raf. There's an activity there where you will draw what you wanted the most. 'Yung pinakagusto mo, Rafael. And you fucking drew a dick? Bro? The fuck were you doing that time? Hindi tuloy ako nabigyan ng grade dahil sa kabulastugan mo. And what's with the dick drawing, Raf? You wanted dick the most, huh. Sana sinabi mo na lang sa akin, handa ko naman ipasubo 'yung akin sa'yo." inis na inis niyang sabi habang hindi pa rin matigil ang tawa ko.

"Gago ka!" natatawa ko pa ring sabi.

"Seriously, Raf. What were you thinking that time, huh? Of all things, you chose dick? You could have talked it out with me. You know I'll let you suck mine." he then smirked at me, the annoyance is still there.

"Tang ina!" I hissed.

Bastos ang isang 'to! At ginawa ko pala talaga 'yon? Akala ko nananaginip lang ako noon kaya naman hindi ko sineryoso. I know Cole is not the type who would let someone do the work that was meant for him. So I really thought that it wasn't real or anything. Akala ko panaginip lang kaya naman sinabayan ko.

"I already apologized, right?" natatawa pa rin ako at napahawak na ako sa tiyan ko dahil hindi ko mapigilan.

Mabuti na lang ay kaunti lang ang tao sa café at mukhang may sarili pang mga mundo kaya hindi nila kami pinapansin.

"Apologize your ass. Nagawa mo na, Raf." sabay irap ni Cole.

"I'm sorry, dude. I thought I'm dreaming at that time. So I made fun of it. It won't happen again. Akin na para mabilis tayong matapos," sabi ko, pinipigilan na matawa ng sobra.

"Huwag na. Kaya ko naman 'to. Just finish your last task and don't mind me. Baka mamaya bumagsak na ako nang tuluyan dahil sa kalokohan mo," he smirked.

I shook my head. His attention was now focused on his laptop. I tried to focus my attention too, but every time I would remember it, I would stifle a smile.

Nawala lang ang pagpipigil ko ng ngiti nang mahagip ng paningin ko ang isang sobrang pamilyar na lalaki. His brow was arching as if it was tied up to heaven as he looked at me with piercing eyes. Even though I only see half of his face because his laptop is blocking the other half of it, I can still recognize who it is.

"Klein," I murmured.

"Huh?" napatingin din si Cole sa harapan ko. "Oh, si Klein. Wait here,"

I was about to pull his hand and stop him from standing up, but he was so fast that I couldn't even react. Malas. Ngayon ay nakalapit na siya sa table ni Klein, na tapat lang ng table namin at nag-uusap na sila.

I breathed a heavy sigh before focusing my attention again on my last task. Tatapusin ko na 'to. Mabilis kong sinagutan ang tanong at gaya ng kanina ay hindi ako nahirapan dahil opinion lang naman ulit ang kailangan dito.

I even saw Cole in my peripheral vision as he walked towards our table with Klein while I put my things inside my bag.

Lalapit pa talaga. Tss.

"Oh, aalis ka na? Akala ko ba hihintayin mo ako?" nagtatakang tanong ni Cole nang makabalik siya sa table namin.

"Tapos na ako. Sa school na lang kita hihintayin," sabi ko at tumayo na.

"Paano 'yung last na task mo? Don't tell me you already finished it?"

Tumango lang ako at tinapik na ang balikat niya. Ni hindi ko sinulyapan ng tingin si Klein kahit na alam kong nasa akin ang paningin niya simula pa kanina.

Mabilis akong naglakad palabas ng café at kung minamalas ka nga naman. Wala pala akong dalang kotse! Hindi naman malayo ang condo ko mula rito pero tinatamad akong maglakad. Nakakabanas.

I groaned in disbelief as I started walking towards my condo. Malapit lang 'yon pero hindi maipagkakaila na ayoko talagang naglalakad. Ilang minuto lang akong naglakad at nakarating na agad ako sa tapat ng building ng condo ko.

I was about to go inside when I suddenly heard rhythmic clicks and clacks, followed by a smooth whirring of the wheels as I saw Klein, gliding his skateboard and it creates a continuous hum and a distinct sound of friction as it makes contact with the ground.

His gaze stayed on mine while I watched him close our distance.

Anong ginagawa ng isang 'to rito? My brows were furrowed completely as I looked at him, annoyed. Magsasalita na siya pero mabilis akong tumalikod at pumasok sa building ko. I even saw how his mouth parted when I turned my back to him, but I didn't mind it.

Wala naman akong kailangan sa kaniya at wala rin naman siyang kailangan sa akin kaya hindi dapat kami nag-uusap.

Ilang linggo na rin siyang sumusubok. He would even try to approach me, but I will just avoid him without bathing an eye on him.

I immediately took a bath when I got to my condo. Papasok na ako at paniguradong nandoon na ang mga kaibigan ko. Bahala si Cole roon at alam ko namang susunod 'yon.

I am only wearing shorts when I come out of the bathroom and I can still feel some water rolling down my body as I walk towards my closet. I glanced at the mirror and saw how pleasing this view was. I threw the towel on my bed and I took out my phone on the drawer as I stood shirtless in front of the mirror. I smirked and decided to take a picture of myself, topless.

I looked at my screen and saw how perfect the photo was. I am holding my phone upside down and it was kind of dim since the flash was on but my face and my body were still visible. I decided to post it on my facebook story with a caption 'after bathing'.

Pagkatapos ay binato ko ang cellphone ko sa kama at nagbihis na. Naririnig ko pang tumutunog ang phone ko habang nag-aayos ako pero hindi ko 'yon pinansin.

"Pogi mo talaga, Raf." bungad ni Rock nang makita ko siya sa parking lot.

Nandito rin ang dalawa ko pang kaibigan at nakasandal sila sa kotse ni Rock. Si Ralph ay nagyoyosi pa habang si Tate ay nakapikit at may headphone sa ulo. Para tuloy kaming mga siga rito at mukhang naghahanap ng gulo.

"Natapos mo ba 'yung pinapagawa sa atin?" tanong ko sa kaniya at tumango lang siya.

"Basta post at story mo, Raf. Heart sa akin 'yan," nakangising sabi ni Ralph at bumuga ng usok.

"Gago," bulong ko at natawa siya.

"Hihintayin ba natin si Cole rito?," tanong ni Tate at nakapamulsa.

Tumango si Rock bago itinuro ang likod. Napatingin kami roon at nakita namin na naglalakad na si Cole palapit sa kung saan kami. Speaking of. Sabay sabay kaming pumasok sa room dahil magkaklase naman kaming lahat, at mukhang nahihirapan silang paghiwalayin kaming lima.

"Gago ka! Tang ina! Bakla ka pa lang hayop ka!"

Nagkatinginan kaming lima nang marinig ang malakas na sigaw na 'yon. It was coming from our room. Mabilis kaming naglakad at nasa pinto pa lang ay nakita ko na agad ang gulo.

I saw one of our classmates, Josh, laying on the ground while he was trying to wipe off the blood from his lips. I think he just received a punch from someone.

"Ano ngayon?" matapang niyang tanong.

"Mayabang kang gago ka, ah? E, Bading ka naman!" I saw a man going on for another strike but Ralph immediately held his arm.

Hindi ko kilala iyong galit na galit na lalaki dahil mukhang hindi naman namin kaklase. Pero tingin ko ay sumugod siya rito.

"Calm down, bro. Mas malaki ka r'yan," seryosong sabi ni Ralph.

"Gago kasi 'yan, e! Nakikipaghalikan sa kapatid kong lalaki!" galit na galit na sinabi nung lalaki, nakita ko rin ang pandidiri sa mukha niya.

"Sana tinanong mo muna kung sino ang naunang humalik 'di ba?" nakangising sabi ni Josh dahilan para mas lalong magalit ang lalaki.

Marahas na kinalas ng lalaki ang braso niya sa hawak ni Ralph dahilan para makawala siya at binigyan niya ulit ng isang sapak sa mukha si Josh.

"Josh!" may lumapit sa kaniya na babaeng kaklase namin.

"Tang ina! Bading ka na nga, mayabang ka pa!" susugod pa sana ulit siya pero mabilis siyang nahawakan ni Ralph.

"Bro, what's your deal? You don't have to punch him. Kita mo naman ang pagkakaiba niyong dalawa. You guys could have talked it out without engaging in violence," mariing sabi ni Ralph.

Pero mukhang hindi nakinig 'yung lalaki dahil patuloy pa rin siya na nagpupumiglas.

"Hindi ko matitiis 'yang gago na 'yan! Huwag ka nang lalapit sa kapatid ko, ah?! Isa pang lapit mo sa kapatid ko babasagin ko na 'yang mukha mong gago ka!" sabi ng lalaki at inagaw ang braso niya kay Ralph.

Tumalikod siya at naglakad palapit sa amin. Binigyan pa ako ng masamang tingin bago siya umalis ng room namin at naglakad palayo.

"Dalhin natin sa clinic," nag-aalalang sabi ng babaeng kaklase namin.

Agad naman nilang dinala si Josh sa clinic. Dumudugo ang labi niya at mukhang nasaktan talaga siya dahil sa suntok noong lalaki na 'yon.

It's still early so we're still waiting for our first subject even after a couple of minutes had already passed since the commotion earlier.

Tulala ang mga kaklase ko at 'yung iba naman ay walang pakialam.

"Gago? Bakit kaya ganoon ang reaction noong lalaki?" biglang tanong ni Ralph at napatingin tuloy kami sa kaniya.

"Baka hindi tanggap noong lalaki kanina? Kasi sabi 'di ba nakipaghalikan daw? Baka sinisisi si Josh kasi hindi niya matanggap na bading kapatid niya?" si Rock ang sumagot.

"Ano naman kung bading kapatid niya? I mean I understand why he's upset, but I don't understand his actions." si Tate na sinangayunan ni Cole.

"Baka hindi normal ang tingin niya sa ganoon?" tanong ulit ni Ralph.

Walang nagsalita agad ni isa sa amin. Para bang malalim ang iniisip lalo na si Rock. Tulala siya at mukhang sobrang lalim ng iniisip.

"Bakit? Normal ba sa'yo ang ganoon, Ralph?" singit ng isa kong kaklase na nakikinig pala sa usapan namin.

I saw how Rock's annoyed eyes shifted to our classmate who had just talked, as if he didn't like what he heard

"It is. They are just like any other couple who are just being themselves. Love comes in all forms, regardless of who they love. So what's not normal about loving the one you love?" he asked back, his gaze drifted to mine.

I stayed silent. I grew up in a community where traditional gender roles and straight relationships were the norm, and I didn't have much exposure to them.

Although I respect all individuals, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation, I have to admit that I'm not quite comfortable discussing issues like this. I think it's because I'm not knowledgeable enough and I'm still not confident in talking about these topics. But I support them and I care for them.

I had always known until recently, somewhere deep down, that it is my responsibility to educate myself and that everyone should be treated with respect and dignity.

But I believe that those respects should be earned. I believe that respect must be earned through behaviors and actions, not simply granted based on one's identity. Not all individuals that identify themselves as LGBTQ are good people. I have encountered some of them. I can't find myself to respect them due to their actions and behaviors.

I admit that I sometimes struggle with prejudiced thoughts, even though I know they are wrong. I know that it's not easy to recognize our own biases. But I'm willing to be educated even if it's uncomfortable or challenging.

Because I know it's not right to make generalizations about an entire community based on the behaviors and actions of a few of its members. And I know that I have a responsibility to work towards greater understanding and acceptance about these topics.

I suddenly remembered Klein. I know he wasn't straight. And... Am I? I wasn't even ashamed and guilty about what happened between us. But the more that I think about it, the more I realize that it might be more than that. And I'm scared of going any further.

If I go any further, it will lead me to that point. Where emotions and feelings are involved. So I fucking need to give myself the time and the space to figure this out.

I can't ignore these feelings and just push them aside. I need to understand myself. I need time.

Is it possible that you're still straight even if you had just sex with the same gender as you? I always identify myself as straight, but now I'm questioning if that's still true. I'm kind of worried about how this will affect my life if it's true that I had just changed my sexual orientation.

Nang mag-uwian ay nauna akong lumabas. Nagpaalam pa ako sa kanila at tumango lang sila. I even saw Rock's gaze stayed on me the whole time. Does he know? At Kailan pa?

I walked to the parking lot alone. Sa sobrang lalim ng iniisip ko ay sasagasaan na pala ako ng kung sino dahil kanina pa pala ako nakaharang sa daan kung wala lang humila sa braso ko at ilayo ako roon.

"Baliw ka ba?! Gumising ka! Nakaharang ka sa daan at nakakaabala ka!" sigaw ng lalaking driver habang binababa ang window ng sasakyan niya.

The fuck? Muntik na akong masagasaan at mukhang seryoso talaga siya. Akmang susugurin ko na ang driver pero may nakahawak pala sa braso ko at mukhang hindi ako hahayaan na makaalis.

I glanced at Klein who's looking at me intently. He seemed really pissed and angry because it was visible on his face.

"I told you to be careful, Rafael." he said, annoyed.

Napatingin ako sa kaniya. His hair was slightly disheveled and the buttons of his polo shirt were unbuttoned, revealing a silver lining that hung around his neck.

Nang ibalik ko sa kaniya ang tingin ay magkahiwalay na ang labi niya, nakatingin pa rin sa akin.

"Uuwi na ako," sabi ko at handa na umalis nang magsalita siya.

"Come on, Rafael. Let's talk about this. You've been avoiding me for two weeks now. You even ignored my texts," he said, his voice perpetually sounding tired.

I'm quite busy this week, so I really don't have a time to reply. O ayaw ko lang talaga?

"I'm not, bro. I'm just busy and we're good." I said as I took my arm from his grip.

Talk about what? Wala naman kaming dapat pag-usapan. At kung meron man ay ayokong makipag-usap.

"Are you jealous?" he suddenly asked the reason I laughed.

"Kanino?" tanong ko pabalik.

He just shook his head.

"You're jealous, Rafael." he said as if he's right.

"Ano ngayon?" matapang kong tanong.

I saw how amusement mingled in his eyes and the way his lips stretched a bit, trying to stifle his mocking smirk, I knew this conversation would just push me more.

"Uuwi na ako, Klein. Marami pa akong gagawin," malamig kong sinabi at akmang lalakad na para lagpasan siya pero hinawakan niya ulit ang braso ko.

I glanced at him, annoyed.

"Let's go to your condo, Rafael. I'll give you a head." he said in a low, husky voice, which made me freeze in place.