Chapter 32

Kiara stood by the door as the doctor in the pale green scrubs checked Macy's charts and took notes of her condition. She wanted to know so many things but Kiara had no idea where to start.

When the door opened and Killian walked back into the room with Clare, Kiara felt her face fall into a deep frown.

"How long will she stay like this?" She asked, not sure whom.

Clare looked at Killian with gentle eyes, "Killian? How long does she have?"

"It's not going to happen !" Kiara shook her head before Killian could answer. "Clare, you've changed people's fate before. Azazel had changed fates before. Why is it suddenly so forbidden for Macy?"

"It was always forbidden," Clare sighed. "But now more than ever."

"Why?" Kiara demanded.

"Because nothing has been the same ever since the war. Tensions are still very high. Even years later..."

Kiara looked away with angry tears in her eyes. She felt Clare walk up to her and place a hand on her shoulder.

"The fallout of war can be deadly," she said slowly. "We must do our best to keep the broken pieces of this work in place."

"One life won't make a difference," Kiara turned to look at Macy. "She's good. The world needs good people like her."

"You must know of the butterfly effect," Clare followed her eyes to Macy. "Something all it takes is one small push to have the whole world crumble."

Kiara shook her head, "I don't agree with this."

"You will still get to see her," Clare assured her. "You're right, she is good. She will have a long life In the Elysian field."

"What about her parents?"

"Death is a natural part of life," Clare said. "People will grieve, but time will heal them. They will move on."

Kiara had no words left. She felt numb and hopeless all at the same time. Her lungs struggled to take in air as she flew through levels of anger in her mind. She stood rooted to her spot as Clare walked over to the doctor and spoke to him in a hushed tone. Killian took a step closer and waited for Kiara to say something.

"She was applying to schools in New York," Kiara said after a while. "She would have gotten into any school she applied to."

"I'm sure she would have," Killian said.

Kiara slowly turned to look at him. Her eyes were lost and broken. The pool of tears in them made Killian's chest ache. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her he would make everything right.

"Are you two staying?" Clare's voice snapped Killian out of his head.

"Yes," Kiara nodded. "Well, I am. I'm not sure about Killian."

"I'll stay if you're staying," Killian said slowly.

Clare nodded as she ushered the doctor out of the room. Kiara stood by the door awkwardly, not sure where to go. She fiddled with the ring on her finger and looked everywhere but at Killian.

"I think the avocado toast is cold by now," Killian looked at the brown bag he had sat down on the table by the window.

"Yeah, I'm sure," Kiara followed his eyes.

Killian slowly walked over to the table and picked up the bag. He tossed it in the trash before picking up a chair and carrying it over to the side of the bed.

"Have a seat," he said, pointing to the chair. "Unless you're planning on standing guard all day."

Kiara didn't reply as she walked over to the chair and dropped her purse on the floor. She silently undid the buttons on her coat and took it off, letting it fall onto the seat behind her.

"White?" Killian raised a brow as he took in Kiara's dress.

"Please don't start," Kiara sighed as she sank into the chair. "I don't want to do this anymore."

"Do what?" Killian asked. "Change everything about yourself to fit his standards?"

Kiara's eyes narrowed as she glared at the boy who had taken a seat by the window.

"I don't want to play your games anymore," she said.

"I'm not playing games," Killian frowned.

"And once again, I don't believe you," Kiara sighed. "If you were serious, you wouldn't be doing this."

"Then what should I do?" Killian asked. "Tell me and I'll do it. How do you want this?"

"I don't know," Kiara looked down at her hands.

"Kia, I don't want to hurt you."

"You already have."

Killian flinched, "I know.... and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"That doesn't make it better," Kiara said slowly.

"Then how do I make it better?"

"You keep asking for answers as if I know everything," Kiara looked up. She felt exasperated. Never in her life had she been so confused and overwhelmed.

"You always do...." Killian stared at the brown eyed girl.

"Well, I don't this time," Kiara folded her arm over her chest. "You made a mess and I can't fix this or clean this up."

"Maybe I didn't make a mess," Killian chuckled. "Maybe I am the mess."

"So there," Kiara felt her heart twist as she watched Killian. "I can't fix you....not when it's me who you're running from."

Killian didn't respond. He stared at his palm and traced the lines as if he could change them. He dragged his nails across the smooth surface several times knowing Kiara was watching him and waiting for a reaction.

The stretch of silence between the two began to push out all the air in the room. The unspoken words hung in the air like humidity, too thick and too sticky. Killian looked up from his palm and shifted his eyes to the window behind him. He pushed his hands into his pockets and stared down at the lawns below. After a few deep breaths, he heard Kiara chair scratch back and her footsteps grow closer.

"Do you want me to get you something else to eat?" Killian asked as Kiara came to a stop beside him.

"No," Kiara shook her head. "I don't have an appetite."

"Did I make you that upset?"

"Maybe," Kiara shrugged.

"I'm sorry," Killian frowned. "I didn't mean to."

Kiara nodded. She looked at him from the corner of her eyes before giving up and turning towards him.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked.

"What's up?" Killian let out a deep breath and sat back down on the window ledge.

"Why are you doing this?" Kiara questioned. "Why now? What changed?"

"I can't explain it," Killian looked up into those warm brown eyes.

"Try," Kiara pushed.

"Ever since Halloween.....actually even way before that, I had this constant thought in my head," Killian began. "It was nonstop. It was everywhere.....it was you."

Kiara felt something flutter in her stomach. She looked away from his eyes and stared at the lawns over his shoulder but she knew he could see the hint of the blush that was appearing on her cheeks.

"I tried everything to stop," Killian said. "I didn't want to start thinking of you in that way. But it was as if the harder I tried, the stronger it came back."

"Then why didn't you say so that night at the dance?" Kiara felt the words get stuck in her throat.

"Because I was running," Killian confessed. "You already know why I was running."

"What changed?"

"You know the saying, you don't know what you have until it's gone?"

Kiara nodded.

"Actually I don't even think that's accurate. I knew what I had. I was just too selfish and immature to accept it."

"And now you're not?" Kiara raised a brow.

"I still am," Killian waited until Kiara looked at him. "The only difference now is that I am selfish and immature because I want you."

"You still aren't telling me what changed," Kiara shook her head. "You did not want anything to do with me.....in that way....until a day or two ago. And all of a sudden now you're pushing me to leave my boyfriend for you."

"I don't know, Kia," Killian grew frustrated. "I don't know what changed. My mind just said enough....isn't that a good enough reason? I had my life flash before my eyes and all I saw was you. I wasn't scared they were going to shoot me in the head or cripple me. I was at peace....because of you."

Kiara was left speechless. She stared at Killian as he ran a hand through his messy hair and fidgeted.

"Then I saw you," Killian continued. "And it was like everything in my life made sense in that chaos once again. I felt as if I was standing at the edge of the cliff and you were at the bottom. I wasn't scared to jump right in anymore. All I knew was that I wanted you....and I would be able to handle everything else."

Somewhere between Killian's racing mind and stumbling thoughts, he had taken Kiara's hand in between his. He held her close as his words sank into her mind. He waited for her to react and with every passing second, his heart grew smaller and smaller.

"Are you going to say something?" He asked.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say you still feel the same way about me," Killian said hopefully. "That we're going to be fine and we will have everything you ever wanted."

Kiara slowly began to pull her hand away from Killian. He looked down at her hand and the heartbreak in his eyes tugged at Kiara's heart. His fingers bent to try and hold onto her as she detached their hands and raised it to fix her hair.

"Killian...." Kiara started slowly.

"Don't say I'm too late," Killian swallowed the lump in his throat. "Please, don't. Even if it is....just don't say it aloud."

"I can't..." Kiara struggled to speak.

"You can't what?"

"I can't do this," Kiara shut her eyes. "I can't throw away everything just because you had a sudden epiphany. I worked too hard.....to gather up all the broken pieces of my heart. To try and give it to someone else."

"I swear I won't break it," Killian rushed to stop her. "I couldn't."

"But you already did once," Kiara felt her eyes water.

"Kia, no...."

"The heart is like a mirror," Kiara took in a deep breath. "Once you shatter it, you can put it back but it'll never lose the cracks and jagged pieces."

Killian felt his throat close up. He couldn't breath as he listened to Kiara's words. The pressure in his chest made him feel as if he was buried six feet under.

"What happens when you wake up tomorrow or six months from now and the adrenaline in your system fades.....and you once again start to see life for what it is?"

Kiara's brown eyes were glossy and her cheeks flushed. She felt just as breathless as Killian looked.

"You're going to run again," Kiara's voice cracked. "I know you, Killian. You're not going to get over wanting to get away from all this.....you're going to wake up one morning, panic and run."

Killian wanted to protest. He wanted to tell her he wouldn't do that. He was ready to argue with her like they did when they were children. But he didn't know if he was allowed to speak.

"I can't live my life holding my breath for that morning," Kiara felt the hot tears roll down her cheeks.

Each and every single one of her words stabbed Killian's soul like a hot iron knife. He had nothing to say to her because she knew him like the back of her own hand. She knew him better then he knew himself.

"I'm sorry," was the only thing Killian could muster up enough energy to say. "For everything....for not saying anything....for trying to push you to break up with Brody."

Kiara nodded. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and then her hand on her dress. Killian watched her as she slowly took a step back and headed over to the chair beside the bed.

"You're leaving?" he asked, watching her pick up her coat and purse.

Kiara nodded once more, "I just....I need some air."

"I understand."

"You won't....."

Killian looked at Macy, "No. Don't worry."

"When?"

Killian looked down at his hands once more, "This weekend."

Kiara felt the remainder of her already broken heart shatter even more. She looked at Macy as her throat began to burn and her eyes watered once more.

"She will be happy in the Elysian fields, right?" she asked.

Killian's eyes snapped up to meet the girl standing by the door.

"Do you remember when Caspian took us kite flying?" Kiara asked, not taking her eyes off of Macy.

"Yes," Killian nodded. "Near the lake by the jasmine trees."

"I think she will like it there," Kiara felt her inside twist and turn as if they were being stabbed with a knife.

She didn't utter another word or wait for Killian to respond as she slipped out the door and rushed towards the elevators. She covered her mouth with one hand and sobbed, feeling her tears spill over her hands and down the front of her dress. When the silver doors finally slid open in front of her, she hurried in and hit the lobby button.

Hayden, who had heard the girl crying from inside his office, walked out into the hall just as the doors to the elevator closed. He looked down the hall and found Macy's door open. Curiously, he walked over and stuck his head inside.

"What happened?" he asked as he spotted Killian sitting by the window.

"Nothing," Killian stared at the chair Kiara had been sitting in.

"Killian...."

"She doesn't trust me," Killian's words were barely audible.

"Did you give her any reason to?"

"No.....I broke her heart.....I shattered it, she says."

"Are you going to put it back together?"

"She won't let me," Killian felt his chest tighten once more. "The more I go after her, the faster she will run to Brody."

"Because he's safe," Hayden said.

"And I'm fucked up."

"Oh boohoo, poor Killian."

Killian's eyes snapped up as they darkened with anger. He glared at Hayden who had rolled up his sleeves and leaned against the door frame.

"That's what you wanted to hear, right?" He asked as he raised a brow. "I mean that's why you're telling me all this."

"Fuck off, Hayden," Killian flipped him off.

"Get it together, you pussy," Hayden rolled his eyes. "You know you're fucked up. Now what are you going to do about it? Sit here and drown in self pity while Brody takes Kiara home to his mother?"

"You're a real piece of shit," Killian pointed out. "Which doesn't make sense because your mom is a sweetheart."

"Birdie and I take after our dad," Hayden pushed off the door frame. "Stop by my office. I'll give you the number to someone you can talk to."

________________________

Kiara twirled her fork in the long strands of angel hair pasta, not really paying attention to how the noodles fell off several times. Brody watched her as she sat in front of her untouched dinner plate, just moving the food around and sipping on her water.

"Do you want to order something else?" he asked, reaching across the table to touch her hand.

"No," Kiara looked up and smiled. "I'm fine."

"You didn't even try it," Brody frowned.

"I'll try it now," Kiara picked up her fork and took a bite. Her stomach turned as she chewed the noodles and forced it down her throat.

"You don't like it," Brody laughed. "It's okay if you don't. We can order something else."

"Please don't," Kiara sat the fork down. "I'm not hungry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Kiara nodded. "100%"

"What's on your mind?"

"I don't know," Kiara shrugged. "I just feel overwhelmed."

"About Macy?"

"Yeah," Kiara sighed.

"Hey," Brody picked up her hand and kissed her knuckles. "I'll cancel the trip this weekend. I want to stay with you."

"Actually...." Kiara took in a deep breath. "I was wondering if maybe we could....both go?"

"To Scotland?" Brody's eyes widened.

"Yeah," Kiara nodded. "I just....I can't be on campus this weekend. I think I'll go crazy if I stay here."

"So Scotland it is," Brody smiled. "I'm glad I kept my reservations."   

This was short....sorry lol its Monday, cut me some slack :P