s h a t t e r e d h e a r t s

c h a p t e r 10

The night sky hangs so gently in the sky. I stand on the threshold with my hands holding a tight grip on the door. The air is cold, and I shiver to the bones as I stand here. I don't make any signs that I want to step inside nor that I don't want to be here. Because I want to be here. More than I can say. Not that I can even use my words. My voice is so far gone that I can't reach it any longer. But, even when it's gone I know that it's still there. It's a strange thing to be frank.

I stand there, and I don't even know what I'm doing. At the same time, I know that I want to be out here. Without a second thought I let go of the door handle and take a step into the cold world. I'm not wearing that much, and the things that I wear aren't meant to be worn outside. I don't really care about that. If I catch a cold, then maybe it will be better for me. No one would even care anyway, they don't even care that I'm out here, don't even notice.

The grass is cold and prickly once my bare toes step onto it, sending another wave of shivers down my spine. I don't stop walking and neither do I have any plan to anyway. I continue to walk towards the forest. My lips form this smallest smile in the world, but a smile nonetheless. My legs are shaking, but not just from the cold that is around me and doing all it can to bring me down, rather because my body is telling me that I should not go further. That I don't have the strength for this.

I don't listen to any of that, and I still continue on. My pace is slow, and I don't reach that far in minutes. I don't care about that. All that I care about now is being here. This place has always been my favorite one, and I love being out here. Nik may have forgotten me and the times that we had together. I suppose I will just have to keep those memories alive. I reach the forest and I walk into it. Without even looking back nor thinking about it, I head into the dark forest itself.

So many others would feel so afraid to be here in the night, I find that this is the place that I want to be and the place where I belong. No one can tell me anything, no one can tell me that this is not where I belong because I know within my heart that this is where I belong. Despite my heart being so dead inside, so broken that nothing can survive in there, it does speak to me. Reminds me that this is the place that I need to be at and the one that I can just be me in.

I use the trees to help me walk, they guide me as well. When I was a child I could have sworn that the trees could speak to me. Nik said that I was crazy to believe that I could speak to the trees. I can remember that often I would sit down and talk to them, and they would talk back to me, we'd have these conversations. Now, I don't know if the trees ever spoke to me or if I was just imagining it all. The latter is possibly the answer, since I know trees can't talk and children do have a very vivid imagination.

My eyes close as I walk in the forest. I don't have the fear that I would trip and fall and neither get lost nor anything like that. I know this forest more than anyone else. I know every single tree that lives here, and I know my way around here. I don't know how I know, I just do, and I'm not worrying about that now. All I can truly focus on is this feeling that I have inside me. A feeling that is unlike any other, for it can show me that I am where I belong.

It is able to take all of the pain away. Some of it had gone away before, but this forest is able to take away all of us, not just because there is peace here, and I'm away from everyone else. But, because I do belong here. My eyes remain closed as I allow the forest to guide me. And for the first time since I was a child, I can hear it speak to me. It speaks on a level that are not words like we do, but this is a feeling that the forest sends me through my own body.

I don't need my vision to feel where to go. Now, I find that the cold doesn't touch me any longer, the pain that was once present in my body has all been washed away from me. Leaving me free. I find that I don't have to worry about anything anymore. This night is what I needed. I breathe in the fresh, cold air and allow it to fill my lungs. It makes me feel like I'm home. And I don't mean the Pack House. Rather here home.

My eyes slowly open when I reach the place that I wanted to go to. Our special place. Nik and I used to come here all the time. Sometimes we would shift into our Wolves, run here and stay here for hours. One time we even stayed overnight here. This place is far enough from the Pack House that they won't come here looking, but close enough to still be on the land and still deep inside this one forest which I don't even know how long or how far it reaches, and I would rather not be the one to find out. At least not tonight.

For a moment I stare at it, the place that holds so many memories and I will forever cherish them. Even when I'm no longer in this world, I will take them with me to the next one. My eyes water just by looking around here. How could I have not come here sooner? This place makes me feel everything that I've been trying to hide over the past few days. The joy of life. I want to live, and I want to be alive. But, how can I when all that pain has been dumped on me?

How can I possibly live when I have to watch my Mate and my best friend be with someone else, and the worst part is that the someone else just happens to be my sister who knows very well that he's my Mate and doesn't care about it. Which is one of the things that I don't understand, and I doubt that I will understand at all. I begin to walk around this place. It's not much, but this place does hold a lot for me, and most of that is regarding Nik, but some isn't.

There is a small creak here, a small one and there is a waterfall, the water rushes down into this circular body of water. It's beautiful. Sometimes we used to swim in the lake that is there. It isn't too big to be able to swim far, but it's still water that we can swim in. It's deep enough, so the whole body can be submerged into water and not be seen by the plantation that grows at the bottom of the lake. Nik and I always used to say that this lake was our comfort place in life.

That whenever one of us was feeling down, and we were not already comforting each other in his room and staring at the wall, we would go here. Sometimes we would not even talk at all. Sometimes all that we would do was sit by the edge with our feet in the water and stare at the flowing and rushing water of the waterfall. I walk towards the lake and sit down on the edge. I don't put my feet into the water because I know it's going to be so cold, and I'm already freezing to the bone.

I don't stare at the rushing water from the waterfall, not because it was our thing but because I don't want to. I rather stare at the calm water that is right in front of me. The water is so calm and collected and so relaxed. It makes one wonder if this water actually belongs to the same one that the water from the waterfall is crashing with this loud sounds at. Because that water is crazy and loud, while this one is silent as the night. Makes me actually appreciate this place much more than I already did. Because even when everyone you know is hectic, you can still be calm.

It's something that I've forgotten in the midst of everything. Now I can see that I can be calm while everyone else is insane. When everyone has rejected me, I can be calm. I can show them that they will never tear me apart. I won't break so easily. Now that the pain is barely there, I can finally see that I am stronger than I was before. Perhaps all of this pain has made me even stronger than I had been. The pain is my strength and I will use it wisely.

Just what I will do, I don't know yet, but I know that I want to do something. Something that will show all of them that they won't break me. I can show my sister and Nik that I don't need them, I don't need anyone. I just need me and me alone. Who cares about me being rejected? They are just missing out on me and everything that I can offer them, they're missing out on a lot of things and now are going to suffer for it. I'm not going to betaken revenge, simply because it's a waste of time.

And besides, the satisfaction of revenge doesn't last for a very long time anyway, for both sides. If I really wanted to do something to all of them, it would have to be something else. Something much more devious than that. None of them would have to suspect it, which I doubt they ever will when it comes to the girl that they rejected and the one that they don't even want, the one that they have just pushed aside and left for dead. I would have to do something much darker and much worse than they have done to me.

Nik has always been the one that is good at planning things and making sure those plans come into action. I used to blame it on the fact that he's the future Alpha, and it's just natural instinct for him to be a leader and to see things get done. That is just the way that he is and always has been. Even through all of that, he remained as my best friend and I used to believe it would be like that forever, but I suppose life had different plans for us, for me.

Sitting here, I can let my mind wander about everything and yet nothing at the same time. It's a strange thing, it truly is. To have thought that go through the mind and then just throw them out, as if they never existed in the first in the first place, but they did. Kind of like throwing a rock out into the ocean. It will disappear from sight as it sinks to the bottom, like it never was real. But it was and never again will you see that rock, and it further deepens your thought that it never was there at all.

I have no clue how long I've been out here, and at the moment that is the last thing I'm even thinking about. I stand up and walk towards a tree where I sit down by. With my head, I lean against the bark and stare into the forest. I can never get used to this beauty that is right in front of me. Even beauty is not the right word for it. I don't have a word for it, it's just out of this world, and just the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

Nature is just extraordinary, and it surprises us at every change that it gets. Without even trying, but perhaps it is trying. I never know. Nature does work in a strange way which I don't even know, so perhaps it is aware of the things that it does. Those are the things that nature teases us with because we never really know. But, I do suppose that is what makes it much fun anyway. And even more beautiful as well. In a way, it can also be humorous. I let out a sigh as I stare out there into the distance.

"I thought you were out here" A voice I know all too well shocks me. I jump up with surprise, but then I calm down when I see only Nik standing there. He's looking at me with his hands in his pocked and this guilty look on his face. I look at him and around him. No Katherine. As much as I want to ask him where she is, I have a feeling that I don't want to know, and I frankly don't car. "I also did not expect you to say anything, but can I sit?" He asks me and gestures beside me.

All that I do is stare at him before I slowly find myself nodding. Not even sure why I had done it in the first place. When I'm with him, I don't have thoughts, or steady thoughts for that matter. Because all that I think about is him and our bond that we should share, and then I think about the pain that I've been through because of him and my sister. All of it just goes downhill from the point on. In this peace I don't want that to happen, I want to feel the peace here and not let pain ruin it for me.

Nik walks over to me and sits beside me, he's a little too close to me. We're touching. Once my heart would have been beating faster inside my chest and I would barely be able to breathe because he was touching me. Now, I want nothing more than to get away from him. Knowing that he has touched my sister, he has done things with her that remind me that he chose her. He should not be touching me, but he should be touching her. No matter how much that thought pains me.

"How did you get here?" He asks me. I don't look at him as I'm looking out into the forest. I don't answer him either, did he expect me to answer? "I went to visit you, but when I got there you were already gone" He tells me. It doesn't make sense why he would want to visit me. I can't seem to understand that, and I don't even think that I want to understand that anyway. "I was going to apologize... I realize that I've not been the friend that you need me to be" He says.

I nearly roll my eyes. He hasn't been the friend, Mate nor anything that I need him to be. He hasn't done anything but bring me pain since his birthday. And he doesn't even know what kind of pain I'm in because of him. Not that I'm going to tell him because that will only hurt my heart even more. I can't do this. I can' be around him now. Once I used to love nothing more than to be around this boy. To have him with me at all times. It used to be the best times of my life.

Now I find that I just don't want him at all. With all the pain that I've been through, which is gone now, I have realized that I don't want him as my Mate. I don't want him. I want myself. I need myself and no one else. Everyone has abandoned me. I'm all alone and rejected. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you, it's just I found my Mate, and we've been together. It's actually one of the reasons why I came to see you" He tells me, I feel my heart break all over again to hear him talk about this.

As children, we used to tell all the thing that we would do when we had our own Mates. We would talk about our lives when we grow up and how it would be. How we would be there for each other. I always knew within me that we would be Mates and I always dreamed of it. So, always when we talked about Mates and such, I already imagined him as my Mate because I knew that we belonged together, and we were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives.

When we spoke of our children being friends, I knew that I wanted our children. Not children that I would have with my Mate and Nik having children with his Mate. But rather our children. Are very own children. Those were the children that I always imagined when we spoke about them. "Kat and I have been talking, and we would very much like for you, Anna, to be the Godmother of our child" He says. The words so sudden. Something bursts inside me. It doesn't take long for me to know that it's my very own heart.

I freeze right where I am when I let his words sink into my brain. Child? He's having a child? They are having a child? If I could, I would end my life right now. This is far too much for me to be able to handle. Standing up, I allow the tears to fall down my face. Not even caring that he saw them or not. Not caring about anything. I had come out here to get away from the pain and finally find some peace. Not to be met with more of it. I can't handle this, it's too much for me.

I shake my head. I refuse to believe this. Though, of course, all of this was inevitable since they have been at it since that night where I felt it for the first time. Of course since they believe they are mate would they want to have children. Most of the time people wait a bit longer and when they are deeper into the Mate bond than this, but some feel that they are ready right away when they meet their Mates. I suppose they were the latter. Except for the fact that they aren't even Mates.

Not caring where I'm going, I start to head somewhere into the forest. Away from him mostly. I hear him standing up and follow me. He's much faster than I am, but that can be because I can't move that far nor fast because of how weak my body feels. If this were to never have happened and if it were a couple of days ago when all was well, I would have been much faster than him. I always beat Nik, in everything. Well, mostly everything. He's stronger than me and beat me in everything that was related to that.

I can always blame that on the fact that Nik is the Alpha's son, and he's the future Alpha himself. Of course, he does have qualities that make him stronger than me and everyone else. After all, the Alpha can only be the Alpha if he or she is the strongest. There have been times when an Alpha is overthrown by someone else through a challenge of combat. It doesn't often happen, but it can happen, and our Wolves are naturally predators and natural in the sense to follow the strongest one for that one is the only one that can protect the Pack.

"Look, Anna, I know you're in pain. But, this is a good thing" He says. Yes, it's a good thing for you. I wanted to say that, but I didn't. They are actually having a child. A living, breathing creature that will forever be a reminder of what I could have had. Not that I can ever blame the child, if I will be alive to meet it, but I will blame myself because I'm the reason that that child is alive in the first place. In a way, all of this is my fault. I pushed them together by not admitting the truth when I had the chance, and now it's too late.

I feel like I want to scream, but I can't. There is no scream for me to let out, it's so deep within me that it's stuck. Doesn't want to come out, and in doing so hurts me even more than it already had done before. Like the poison that is impossible to get out of the body unless with the method of bleeding, where the person would have to bleed until the poison is out of their system or so little that they are able to survive. A method that is equally as disgusting as it is painful.

"I know this is sudden, but we really wanted a child, and soon we're going to be parents. And we both want you there as this child's Godmother. You don't have to, but it would mean a lot to us, to me, if you would accept. But, I understand that's this is something big and needs a lot of thought" He says. I understand all of it now. Nik didn't come all the way out here, follow me out here because he wants to be a better friend.

He didn't even come here to apologize to me. Nor has he asked me how I'm doing or how I'm feeling since I'm the one that is literally dying in front of him, and it is because of him. Not that I can ever blame him for that because I alone hold the blame for all of it. Though, Nik didn't come here for me, he came here because he's happy, and he has something happy happening to him, and he needs someone to gloat about it all. He has done this in the past.

Nik has always felt the need to share everything happy in his life, sometimes at the expense of other's happiness. Sometimes he would brag about it. He would brag about the happy times that he has had and would throw it at people's faces as well. He means well and everyone knows that. In this case, I know he means well, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt less because the heart within my chest feels like he has driven over it with a car and then handed it back to me. All mushed together and expects me to continue to use it again.

I don't speak to him as I continue walking. Hoping that he would just give up. I don't want to hear any more of this, because I don't think that I can take it. It makes me feel even worse than I already feel. Which, is pretty hard to achieve considering all the pain that I've been through. It's enough to last ten lifetimes. That is enough for me and even beyond that, I don't want it, but I have to deal with this pain. Perhaps not at the moment, but I've felt it.

I let out a silent sigh as I walk through the forest. Some weeks ago, I would have loved to have Nik follow me through the forest and be there for me. Now, I realize that I don't want him here to follow me, but I want him to be here for me. Nik isn't here for me, he's here for himself and his own future. He doesn't care about mine. No one really cares about my future. What is even my future? Death? Do everyone know that I'm never going to have what they have? If so, then they are doing a good job throwing that fact in my face.

"Look, Anna, I know things have been so hard for you, but I want you to be happy. This child could be that happiness. You could take your mind off things. You're not just going to be the Godmother if you accept, but also this will be your niece or nephew" He says. Why doesn't he just shut up? I can't hear any more of this, because I don't want anything to do with him or this child because I can't handle it. This child may be family, but it will only cause me pain.

I feel like my world is about to fall down a black hole, and I am trying to grab it. But, I can't grasp it, it is so close yet not quite there. When trying to reach it, I find myself falling into the black hole. Where it has taken over me and I won't be able to escape it any time soon. Perhaps there is nothing that can prevent me from being a savage. Sam even said it himself that when someone has been left and abandoned, they tend to become savages.

He sighs and I hear him stop. "I'm going back to get some hot chocolate with Kat, you're welcome to join us" He says, and then I hear him turn around and walk away from me. I don't look back at him, nor do I want anything to do with his offer. I couldn't care less about it. Once I would have loved for that, once I would have wanted nothing more than to have some hot chocolate and be with my best friend, have my sister there as well. It would have been a dream come true once upon a time.

That chapter has been closed, and it's never going to be opened again, it's gone, and I will never get it back. It has been thrown into the fire and the pages have been burned. The damage has already been done, and the fire doesn't end. It's still lit and alive. Burning the pages until nothing is left. A new chapter has begun. The one of agony and pain and suffering. Where only I feel that while everyone else feels happy. In the middle of the forest I fall down, and I can't stop the tears that have started to flow, and I don't want to stop them. I let everything out. The pain, the heartbreak, my love for Nik. I cry for him and I cry for myself.