s h a t t e r e d  h e a r t s

c h a p t e r  3

My eyes open to be met with the darkness of the library. It takes me a couple of seconds to realize where I am, but it is the pain that takes the quickest to catch up with me. Like the fastest animal alive is running towards me with speed so great that nothing can ever match it. It is set out to kill, and I am the target that it has its eyes on. I move like a snail and know that there is no way out of there. Once it catches up to me, I am dead and the pain is so intense that I wish for death to take me right away to be done within it.

Every part of my body is in pain and aching for being in the same position for a long period of time, I don't even know for how long I have been sitting here. I had not even realized that I fell asleep until now that I've just woken up. I let out a whimper as I move my body out of the position that I am in. Moving so softly and with small movement, the pain still continue to pound at me. As if it had not eaten enough out of me, wanting only more and more.

I use the sofa that I was on to support my weight because my legs feel like they have been turned into liquid and simply do not want to stay standing at all. Even when my body goes through pain, I still feel like I have rested enough. I wonder if I have slept through a couple of hours or if the pain woke me up only minutes after that I fell. The library itself has no clocks that are on any walls or anything, it used to but not anymore.

People said that they bothered them far too much, and they could not concentrate, so they were all removed, then people started to come less and less in here, to the point where people barely even use the library at all. I put the book, with some struggle, back to the place where it belongs and then head to the only place that has a widow in this room. Using everything that I can get my hands on to hold myself up and continue walking. I'm much slower than I was when I had walked to the library.

Is my body shutting down already? I thought that I had more time than this. Everything inside me speaks to me in different signs, I don't know what any of them mean. I can only guess that one part tells me to give up, while another says to fight, while yet another one tells me to move on. It has become impossible to know which one to listen to or if I should listen at all, and I barely even know what any of them are telling me or if I understand them correctly.

Outside it is pitch black. It is night. I may not know what time it is out there nor how long it will be until sunrise, yet I don't have to know that now. I walk towards the front door of the library and walk into the hallways. The silence greets me like an old friend. The hallways are lit up nicely with these pretty lights that are shaped like candles. It makes this hallway feel like it once was about a hundred or so years ago when electricity had not yet been invented and people used candles or torches to light up things.

The walls are the only thing that I have to support myself. Wincing and almost exhaust myself from the agony that tears my body piece by piece, I finally make it to the place that I wanted to go. It's a door that leads to the garden, and not just any garden. It's a special one. When I walk out into the bitter cold air into the garden, I truly can sense the magic flow around the air. No Werewolf is able to explain the magic here, all we have are the stories that have been told.

It was in this garden, which at the time was nothing but a wasteland, that the three Fates were born. They appeared out of thin air and came together by a destiny. The three Fates were powerful and their magic is still alive today. While they have not been around for eons, the stories of them creating the Werewolves and guiding their new species towards greatness are still being told. Those stories are nothing but that, stories. Nothing can be proven that it had taken place and if it was on this spot. There is no proof about it. All that is left is this magical air that we can feel.

I sit down on a bench and let out a pained sigh. Fighting this and living is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm not even sure that I can do it, if I'm strong enough to do it. It is pretty clear to me that I'm not strong. If I were then I would have definitely told Nik that we were Mates and that I love him. If I had the strength to do it, I would have burst into his room and done it now, yet I'm not strong and that is why I'm not doing that.

Staring out into the dark night, I think of the past. This garden might not look like it, but it does hod memories that I would rather not forget. When Nik and I were children he once told me that in this garden he would ask me to marry him one day. He would tell me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. He did not even care that he would have another Mate, because all he wanted was me.

I remember telling him that I would say no because I would remain faithful to the Mate that the Fates gave me. That I would never love another than him. How foolish of me to then fall in love with the one that I rejected, only to discover that a couple of years later he would become my Mate. During the time that I fell in love with me, his view of the promise he had made changed from me over to my sister. While he ever told her how he felt, he told me that he had a crush on her.

Katherine was not that much around us when we were children. She had another friend group, some kids that were a year older than us, but she liked playing with them, and they were nice to her. Though, there were times that she would come to us to play. Some even came with her to see if we were twins. I can still remember being accused of not being her twin sister because I don't look like her. At the time I did not understand why twins had to look alike to be twins. When I got older I realized that some people hear the word twins and think identical twins. Katherine and I are not identical twins, we're fraternal twins.

Thinking of the past makes me forget about the present and what has been happening to me and the pain and just about everything. Even the agonizing waves of pure pain seem to become less unbearable to me. Either it are my memories or the distraction or just my body adapting to the pain that makes it so. A tear slips down from my eyes as I stare endlessly into the dark. Not looking at anything, just watching the life go by.

The child version of me had no idea the pain that I would have to go through once I grew up. Somehow it makes me crave the person that I used to be before all of this happened to me. The innocent and happy and joyful Tatianna that I used too once. Now, all that I am is the shadow of the one that I was. Doubtful that I will ever be that person again, even if I were to live through all of this and go through all the pain. I realize that I will never be the same ever again.

"Is this seat taken?" A voice comes beside me. A voice that I'm rather familiar with, and I freeze when I hear him speak. I don't have to look to know that Nik is standing there. It's a surprise that I did not hear him coming, then again I have had other things on my mind. I take a sharp breath before I shake my head. Not even trusting my voice at the moment, I feel as though my voice has been taken away from me. Ripped from my throat, never to return again.

Nik sits down next to me, and my heart hurts even more. Knowing that I want nothing more than to ha him hold me and I hold him, and together we will be. Yet, that can't happen now. It was only a day ago that we would've been touching each other, craving to touch one another, to feel that bond that we share. I don't know if he notices just how strong that bond is or what that bond truly is, but I know what it was, and I felt it every single time that we touched.

"Why are you out here?" Nik asks me after a couple of minters pass by. Normally this would be the time that we would be taking endless about anything, everything and nothing all at the same time. Allowing the world to go by us without a care. I don't answer him. I can't tell him something that I don't know myself. "Anna, I know there's something wrong. We're best friends. I know you" He says. That is where the problem lies. Those two words that will one day be the death of me, literally it will. Best friends.

We aren't meant to be best friends, we're meant to be something more than that. We're supposed to be Mates, and we are Mates. Still, he doesn't understand that, he doesn't see that. Not even when we are sitting next to one another. The Wolf inside of me is whining endlessly for the Wolf recognizes him as its Mate and yet it knows that it can't be with him, for he has rejected us both. I can't understand how he doesn't feel that Mate bond that I feel, the pull that is there and the feelings that should be rising within him. I wonder if he feels anything for me at all.

A Mate bond is so strong that even enemies that are determined to kill one another fall in love with each other, and live happily ever after, sort of. And yet Nik can't even see what is right in front of him. "I'm fine" I choke. The words are hoarse and if paid were enough attention to it, one would be able to hear my pain and suffering through the words and my voice itself. Speaking felt horrible and speaking when I am at my most low is even worse.

Nik comes closer and takes my hand. "No, you're not. You're in pain. I can see it on your face. Tell me what's wrong, and I will fix it. Remember, I'm good at fixing things" He says. It's hard to not smile a little at that, because he's horrible at fixing things. He once broke a vase and then dried to glue it together, only he glued it inside out. I never thought that was possible. It looked horrible. That same day he accidentally broke the same vase again, turns out there is only so much that things can break before they are broken beyond repair.

For the first time since he had uttered my sister's name instead of my own I meet is gaze, the gaze that I have been longing for for so long. It has been torture to not have his eyes look back at me and get lost in his orbs. His eyes are the prettiest shade of brown that I have ever seen. They hold this rich dark oak color that remind me so much of the forest and life itself. The dirt holds more life and yet death at the same time. His eyes show that life comes from dirt.

"My Mate rejected me" I whisper to him before I even knew what I was saying. The words had come out of my mouth before I even could stop. The words that have been on the tip of my tongue this entire day are now out into the open, and the one that did hurt me so is the same that is hearing the words. I watch as his eyes flicker with this anger and rage and hurt and fury. There is much going on inside his eyes, that it is hard to miss the beauty in all the chaos.

Yet, I see it. I will always see it. Nik's enchanting eyes had compelled me to speak, and I did not even know that I said those things until they came out of my mouth. His grip on my hand tightens and still he doesn't hurt me. His touch makes all of this better, I can finally find a small peace in it. Perhaps it is desperate to be looking for his touch when he's not mine now, he belongs to someone else, someone that is not me and will never be me.

I watch as his anger rises, it makes me wonder why he feels that anger. I think that I have already established that he doesn't care about me at all, that it was all pretend. Otherwise, he would have felt something, right? I don't know anything anymore, and I don't want to. "Who. Is. It?" He asks me between his getting teeth. My heart warms up by his need to hurt the one that hurt me. Like a true Mate would. Only he is not my Mate now, he rejected me. He's my sister's Mate as he chose her.

Biting as hard as I can down on my tongue to force myself to stay silent. There is not a change that I can reveal the truth for him now. It would break his heart and my sister's. They are so important to me, and I can't bear their suffering. I will not watch them in pain, even if I have to feel it myself. "Anna, I swear, I will hunt him down and kill him for doing this to you" He says. All I want to do is tell him the truth, yet I can't say a word.

When I don't answer him or say anything he pulls me in for a hug and just holds me. I can hear his heart beating and for a split-second it sounded like our hearts were beating as one. Further stating that we are meant to be together, hat we are Mates, and we are one. Nik doesn't know that, and he doesn't feel that like I feel it. Neither one of us say anything, he just holds me as I finally allow the tears that have been waiting this entire time, to fall down my cheeks and land on the grassy ground.

If we stayed like that for minutes or hours, I did not care. Time became lost and I threw it into oblivion. Despite unable to be with him, I find that I just want to hold on. Nik held me like his life depended on it, at least that is what I keep telling myself. This moment is not about heartbreak or what could've been, this moment right now is about the two of us. Being in each other's arms and just enjoying the night. We were not Mates or friends, just Tatianna Brown and Nikolaj Cress.

The moment ends when he lets go of me. He leans back but not before his hand caresses my cheeks and wipes away the tears that have fallen. "Don't worry, Anna, I'm here. I'm here" He whispers to me. His voice so gentle and kind that it makes me forget all about the pain that he caused me. I close my eyes and just allow this illusion of a future to take a hold on me. It grips me tight, almost impossible for me to let go, and therefore I don't, I wish to hold on to the illusion became it gives me a path towards the future.

I'm dying. There is no going past that. If he knows then he doesn't show it. Finding the person that hurt me would do him no good because he can't find someone that is already here and is himself. If he were to beat himself for the rest of his life, it would not change anything. He has already chosen a Mate and there is nothing that can be done. There are no second changes for us. We only have one Mate and one Mate alone. Rejection and regretting that rejection will not make up for it.

The choice had already been made and no power on this earth can reverse it. It is like that vase that he tried to mend, it had shattered, and even when he put it together, it was not the same and would never look the same again. That is how the Mate bond woks. For all I know, he has severed the ties with me and will never be able to tie it back again. The Mate bond that was supposed to be will never happen, no matter if we were to get together now. It simply doesn't work like that.

"Let me help you inside" He says. Lifting me up into his arms he carries me inside the house. Is it wrong of me to just want to stay in his arms forever? I know it can never happen, yet I wonder if the thoughts and the longing is wrong. Probably since he isn't mine and will never be mine. While walking towards my bedroom, he whispers things into my ear. Sweet things. Memories of us, anything to make me feel better. It does work. Only a little bit, because the more I think about the past, the more I think of the present and all the pain.

This has become the circle that I now call my life, the pain and the memories have merged into one where I can't escape from it. Everything hurts. The only thing that doesn't are his gentle arms. The way that he holds me bridal style makes me feel special because it are his arms that are wrapped around me. Nik is the one that is with me when I need him, yet at the same time he is thousands of light-years away from me, he's so far away that I won't be able to reach him again.

Opening the door to the bedroom, which I share with my sister, his chosen Mate. We're instantly met with Katherine asking questions about what had happened. I ignore her as he sets me down on my bed where I go under the covers. I don't feel like I want to sleep and still at the same time I feel like I just want to fall into slumber and never wake up again. Something about that thought is soothing and comforting to me, and something that I really want to happen.

I watch with this pain shooting my heart as the two of them talk amongst each other. Their voices are low and just barely a whisper. Clearly about me, their eyes run towards me every so often. Neither of them are good at hiding what they are feeling, it seems that I do that better than both of them combined. "I don't know what to do" Nik says, loud enough for me to hear him. Because of his words and the worrying tone, Katherine puts her hand on his. All I feel like is puking my guts out at this point.

Seeing them hold hands and act like the standard couple act is making me want to disappear into oblivion, where once the time had been. While the time had returned, I would very much like to stay there forever. "I know. I just can't watch her. I mean look at her... she's miserable" Katherine says after they talk for a couple of minutes more. She doesn't need to watch me, they don't need to watch me. The two of them can live their happy life somewhere that they aren't watching me or looking at me, in return I don't have to see my own sister live the life that was meant for me.

They whisper something, and then they walk out of the room. I turn to be lying on my back and I watch the ceiling. It has become the source of my entertainment when I'm lying here. It stays still and yet if I look close enough, I can see things happen. I suppose it is my own mind pretending and thinking as it never stops thinking. It would be nice though if there was something moving on the ceiling, a bug would be entertaining to watch as my mind wanders everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

By the time that they enter again my father is with them. He takes one look at me. The sorrow that is in his eyes can be seen by everyone. I hate that this is happening to my father. The man that is the bravest one that I know. He has been through pain and loss and suffering. He lost a Mate too. Not in the same way as I did. But, he lost a Mate. My mother. Her passing hurt him like Hell. We all saw just how badly it had gutted him before.

Katherine and I have been trying to fill in the void for so long, to make things better and make him smile again because for some time he had lost his smile. I see that same sadness within his eyes when he looks at me now. All of them are giving me looks as if I'm on my deathbed, and in truth I might as well be on my deathbed. I'm already dying, it is only a matter of time before death finally decides to end my suffering and take me away, to a place that is unknown.

My father walks over to the bed and sits down, I move a bit to give him space, and then he takes my hand. He doesn't say anything for a minute, but I can tell that there about a thousand things that he wants to say to me right now. "It will be all right" He says to me. I give him a small nod, to tell him that I listened to his words and that I am still here. I'm not lost and I'm not gone. I'm still alive. I try to hold on to my life.

Holding on is harder than I thought. I find myself sinking. There is a rope tied around both my ankles which is attacked to this heavy rock that is so heavy. Trying to swim to the surface is not possible. The rock is so heavy that it continues to drag me down, down to the bottom. The light from the surface is slowly fading away as the darkness is swallowing me up, hungry for another piece of my flesh and bones until I become nothing but the remains of the feast that it had with me, the darkness had taken me.

I am still here, I have not sunk to the bottom, I'm still alive and fighting. My body does not want to fight and still I urge it to fight and continue living. It was not a lie when I said that I wanted to live. That is what I want. I also don't want to live with this pain any longer. The more I sink, the more my chest hurts, the burning in my lugs and the need for air grows stronger. And even when I do breathe, the air is so thick that it doesn't want to give me any oxygen and I continue to drown.

My father sighs as he helps me sit up on the bed. "Tell us who he is" He softly says. Both he and Nik want nothing more than to destroy the one that rejected me. Not knowing that the one they want to destroy is in this very room holding my sister's hand as if they belong together. Only they don't. I shake my head and look away from Nik and Katherine. Watching them brings only more agony to me. Like dumping salt and rubbing it on a wound that I have.

Only the wound is not visible on my body, and it would be impossible to even see it. For the wound is my heart. It has been broken so many times. It has been ripped out of my chest, thrown down to the ground, stamped on, crushed, ruined, and then shattered with a hammer. Leaving me alone on the ground to pick up the pieces, forever lost and alone with pieces that can never be put together again. That is how my heart feels like. It does not even feel like I have a heat at all. That it has been broken so much that it is not even there.

In its place there is a gaping hole. Leaving me alone in the pitch black darkness. "I promised your mother to look after you. I've failed" My father says. I look up at his face to see the tears run down his cheeks. I shake my head as I hug him, tightly. "You've not failed, never say that. You're the best father in the world to me, I could not ask for a better father. It's me that has failed, if anything" I sadly say to him, low enough for only my father to hear my words.

Crying hurts my eyes, but that doesn't matter to me, it only adds to the pain that I have already inside me, it doesn't matter how much pain I am in now. It's always just the same. "My baby girl, my youngest daughter. You will never fail me. I remember when I first held you, so small, and then you smiled. I knew from that moment that you were special. Never forget that, you're my perfect little angel. Keep fighting that demon inside you. I believe in you, my sweet child" My father whispers to me. His words give me this sense of hope.