"Inner Peace"

Inner peace

So difficult

With random thoughts of violence

Welling up inside my brain

Causing me headaches

And hurting my head

Tears fill my eyes

Frustration

Prostration

Hands quaking

Hands shaking

Hands scrunching

Making it into a claw

Om mani padme hum

Azarath metrion zinthos

None of those chants work

To quell

That fiend from hell

That rage inside of me

This is why I sleep so much

Because my brain gets exhausted

Fighting and fighting

Again and again

Psychologically damaging

So frustrating

I cannot sleep

I cannot stay awake

I am the villain

I am the bad man

The one who never criticizes

The one who keeps as calm

Who expresses his views and

Then fades into the background

Like Charles Townsend

With his angels

Mea culpa

Ecce homo

So much potential

It is hard to get kinetic

Overcritical

I can never do anything right

I am better when I do not try

I cannot multi-focus or multi-task

That is how my mind works

One thing at a time

One time at a thing

Simply start walking and

Never look back

That is how you avoid the tree

In front of you

Nails pierce my mind

Drill inside my head

Deeper and deeper

Harder and harder

Inside my head

Random thoughts of violence

So much to frustrate me

So much to irritate me

Inner peace would be

So much easier to achieve

If there were fewer people

Self absorbed

To deal with on a daily basis

Social anxiety disorder

I never learned how to play

Well with others

How to interact with others

I learned how to avoid people

To stay hidden

Always in the background

Never seen

Never heard

Never asking for help

Because I can deal with it myself

I am not a people person

I do not know how to be

I do not know how to open up

To others

I let them leap first and then

I jump on in

Otherwise, how will I know

If I am welcome to join in

On their fun

I never went to a sleepover until I was grown

And no one ever slept over with me

I learnt the art of avoidance

I talk to myself

Because myself is the only

Person that I can be fully

Open with

Yet even I am judgmental

Of myself

Awkward

Antisocialite

I want to be social

Expressive outside the written word

But I do not know how

He knows, but only alcohol brings him out

I keep from drinking a lot so as not

To bring him out completely

But that does not always work

The beast within

The rage inside

I quell it through expression

It slowly dies, but not completely

It just goes away to lick its wounds

So as to attack again another day

My defenses are weakening through

Continued assault upon my senses

Even he is judgmental of me

I am not the one that I see in the mirror

That is just the flesh that is my container

My residual self image is entirely different

I am Ed Norton

But in my mind I am Brad Pitt

So it goes...

I am running out of words for now

The calm is overcoming me

My mind is fluffier now

Calmer

Peaceful

Until another day

And another time.

Finis and all that jazz singer.