There was a bolder sat on my chest the moment I woke up Tuesday morning.

My eyes immediately went to Flemming's empty bed as I attempted to bolt upright, immediately weighed down by whatever – or whoever – was crushing me.

"He has awaken," April's voice called out, far too loud for how early my body felt it was. I hadn't been getting the best sleep the past few days. Between cramming and checking my phone every few moments in case Spencer suddenly decided he'd had enough time to think, sleep hadn't been a major priority of mine.

Rubbing my eyes I yawned widely, enjoying April's disgusted face at my morning breath. "Any reason you're bothering me? I don't have to be up until noon. My physics exam isn't until quarter to three."

"It's just past one in the afternoon," April said, smug. I sat fully upright at her words, dislodging her from my chest as I frantically reached for my phone. One-thirteen. Shit.

"Oh my god," I moaned, dropping back down against my pillow again. Immediately my eyes attempted to droop shut but I forced them open. Sleep was what got me into this mess, I needed to stay awake. I needed to get dressed, walk to school as fast as possible, and pray I was able to get in a quick read through my notes before we were forced into the exam room. "Get off me."

"I was only trying to help. I could've just left you here," April said, rolling onto the other side of the bed. Drawing back the covers I ignored her as she made herself comfortable, digging the heels of her shoes into my sheets. One hand tucked itself under her head as the other grabbed my phone, thumbing the screen on. I ran a limp hand through my hair and thanked my past self for showering last night instead of just crashing.

My backpack was already ready for the exam, filled by notes to skim over and my clear pencil case with my student ID. I knew there was an old Mars bar in the front pocket I could snack on while walking back home. I just had to figure out where all my clean clothes were hiding. The tidal wave of crap on my floor had grown strong the past few days, blending into Flemming's side of the room. He never complained about it though, surprisingly, just kicking a path through the mess from the door to his bed.

It was as I was rooting at the bottom of my wardrobe that April let out a loud snort, stamping her feet on my bed.

"I must say whoever this Iris is, she is a little over-invested in your relationship with Spencer," April called out to me and I got a headrush from how fast I snapped upright.

"How the hell did you unlock my phone?" I asked, not ready to dive into everything else she had figured out in the short span of time it took me to cross my room.

"Please, don't act like you didn't know I saved my thumbprint," April scoffed and my eyes widened.

"I didn't know that," I admitted, scratching my chin then narrowed my eyes in suspicion at my sister. "How long have you been reading my messages?"

"Since forever, Beau. And don't flatter yourself, you're conversations are usually pretty boring. Glad your life has finally spiced up a little," She laughed and I lunged for my phone, ending up with a foot to the chest.

"I don't have time for this," I gritted out, giving up and letting April wrestle away. "We'll get into this complete invasion of privacy later."

"I wouldn't have to snoop if you just talked to me instead of brooding in the corner of your room," she pouted, eyes quickly drifting back to my phone. I went back to the closet, settling on a pair of sweats and a faded green shirt, tugging them on as April kept herself entertained by my most intimate secrets.

"Don't open my Chrome app," I warned her, and April grimaced.

"Ew, Beau. Gross," She said, dropping the phone onto her lap.

"Be glad for any warning at all," I teased, dodging when she threw a pillow my way. I guessed tiredness was to blame for the fact I wasn't lashing out at April. Had this been a week or two earlier, I wouldn't have been above tripping her on the stairs for reading my messages and not giving me a chance to talk about what was going on with Spencer in my own time. At this point though, I think I was just glad I didn't have to do another coming out speech, especially with my sister who had teased me for as much for years. She had made this easier on the both of us, even if I really wished she hadn't gone through my stuff.

"Can I have my phone back now? I need to get moving," I asked April, hand outstretched.

"You're not allowed phones in the exam," She reminded as I turned it off and shoved it in my bag.

"Long as they're powered down and not your person it's fine," I countered and stepped past her. April followed closely down the hall, eyes trained on my profile and mouth twitching like she wanted to say something.

"We're not having a heart to heart before my exam," I told her as we entered the kitchen. Dumping herself at the counter April went to speak, stopping herself at the last second and I bit back a groan at the wounded look she sent me. "But... if you meet me after though... we can walk back home together and talk then. Okay?"

At the offer April perked up, nodding. "I can do that. Jung wants to meet up at the skater-only zone in July Park, I can meet you outside the library after?"

"Yeah, sounds good," I agreed, pulling the fridge open. Just as my hand latched onto the bowl of mashed potatoes from last night did I fully registered what April had said. "Who the hell is Jung?"

"Ugh, Beau. Don't be weird," April mumbled, blushing when I turned to face her, hands tapping against her thighs. "He's just a friend."

I arched a brow at that, smelling bullshit. "By friend I'm guessing you actually mean a 'gentleman caller'?"

"Oh my god, Beau, you're awful!" She said, face fully flushed. "He's honestly just a friend."

"You sure have a lot of those," I chuckled, ignoring an offended look from April. "I'm teasing, I'm teasing, Jesus. Looks like we've got something else to discuss though."

"Now you're invested in my love life," April scoffed, adding through a rushed breath, "Not that I have one at this point, shut up."

"I'm just repaying the favor since you're so invested in mine," I shrugged, shoveling a spoonful of potatoes into my mouth. "And yes, it seems like I do have one at this point."

"You didn't even heat them up," April frowned, appalled by my eating habits and completely glossing over my admission. Checking the clock behind her she sighed, dropping an elbow on the counter, palm tucking under her raised chin. "He's picking me up at two and I still don't know what to wear."

"Why not just go like this?" I asked, confused. April had cleaned up nicely in a pair of shorts that thankfully had no holes in them and a cropped sweater. "It's perfectly appropriate for the skate park, though if you could pull on a large, full-body covering coat and a wide-brimmed hat too that would mean a lot to me as a brother. Maybe even a mask to cover your face and some clogs?"

April rolled her eyes, trying to push down a smile. "Shut up, and isn't this too casual?"

"I will never understand girls," I shook my head, pausing long enough to enjoy another spoon of mashed potatoes before putting them back in the fridge. April made a face but didn't comment on the action. "We're family, get used to my germs. Also casual is good, if you showed up in a dress and heels it would be weird. You look nice, and if he doesn't tell you as much send him my way, I'll beat him up for you."

"Thanks," April said dryly. "Okay, fine. I won't change, but can you just go already? I don't want you two to have a run in."

"You don't trust me around your Boy of the Moment? Cold," I said and April grabbed a lemon from the bowl in the kitchen, threatening to throw the thing at my face. "Okay! Okay! Sorry, I'm leaving."

I fought back a smile when April all but marched me out the backdoor, standing watch-dog still until I had turned at the end of the road as if worried I would hide in the neighbor's yard and wait out Jung. I scoffed at that thought, a little worried. April always fell a little too hard and a lot too fast, I couldn't not be somewhat concerned. I made a mental note to actually check in with her when we met up and focused on emptying my head before the exam.

The walk didn't feel long enough and faster than expected I found myself stood outside the school's main hall. Most of the walkway was filled by other nervous students, balancing textbooks on knees, pens and cue cards in hand. I swallowed a little, nodding at Iris' friend Evan. He sent me a curt smile back then returned to his own studying. I dropped to the nearest empty space on the floor, dumping my bag at my feet as I let out a low breath. I had a few minutes to cram, less than I had hoped for, but I remained optimistic I could pull this off. Taking out my notes, I spread them out in front of me and tried to figure out what to focus on first.

Digging around for my pen I startled when cool metal brushed my fingertips. Against my better judgment, I took my phone out, powering it up. A girl with a denim bag took a seat beside me, saying nothing as she wrestled loose a beaten notepad saturated in highlighter. I prayed my notes didn't look as rough as hers did, grimacing at the yellow which immediately stained her hands as she flicked through them. I glanced back at my phone for a distraction. No new messages sat on my screen, but given April had opened most of my message threads I double-checked. A couple of texts from Iris sat there, the latest wishing me luck. Tommo had sent me a link to some article on the best way to memorize quotes and I silently reminded myself to watch it later. Nothing from Spencer. I turned the phone back off, throwing it in my bag, and tried to get in some last minute revision.

Two hours later my hands were covered in ink and I had to stop myself from throwing my physics textbook clean into the bin. Almost every other person around me was doing as much, some going so far as to tear their notes to shred before tossing them out. I hugged my backpack closer to my chest and let out a relieved breath. That was as awful as I expected. I knew I had messed up at least one calculation but what was done was done. I had English on Friday to worry about. 

One down. Four more to go. 

Great.

As promised April was waiting by the school's library, scuffing the tip of her shoe against the ground, leaned against the railing of the wheelchair accessibility ramp. A bag of Doritos dangled from her hand, which she quickly threw my way when noticing me. I barely caught it in time, opening it instantly and getting a handful of chips into my mouth as I joined her side.

"How'd it go?" I asked and April wiped a crumb from my chin.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" she said then shrugged, lips pursed as she bit back a smile. "It went well. Jung's cool, you'd like him. He taught me how to skate, which was a little traumatizing. I grazed my knee."

I glanced down at her legs, noting the faint red mark on her left knee. "What an injury. You sure I shouldn't be rushing you to intensive care right now?"

"Shut up, Beau," she chided, batting my shoulder. Hugging her arms close to her chest, April settled down on the ramp and I did the same, tilting the bag of chips her way. Picking at one she continued, voice small. "It was... I had fun. We even got ice cream on our way over here. I was a little sad to say goodbye."

"You should've stayed with him then, I would've understood," I told her, and April waved me off.

"Nope, we need to talk. It's something we never do and I want that to change. Believe it or not, Beau, I will miss you when you leave for college and kick myself if we never got to have a proper talk," She said, drawing her knees up and propping her chin on them. "So... You and Spencer have a thing now?"

I shook my head at that, resting my forehead against the railing. "Not really. Maybe. I don't know. It's honestly a bit messy right now. The gist of it is that he broke up with Gillian and we both admitted that we liked each other, but he needs some space to figure out things out for himself. Which I get, I can't fault him for needing time. I was the same."

"What about Jeremy?" April asked and I sat up, throwing her a confused look. "Don't lie, we all know you've been in love with the guy since forever. What happened with all that?"

I blew out a hard breath, shaking my head. "Like I said, it's all a little messy. I don't feel that way for Jeremy anymore, that I'm sure about. This year... God, how do I put it? This year has kind of shed some pretty unflattering light on him, I guess..." I trailed off, not really sure what to say. I was starting to get a little nervous at how intensely April was watching me, truly hanging on every word. "This is really weird, talking about my feelings. I've only really done this with Tommo but that's because I was crying so it had to happen."

"Beau," she said, frowning at my words but I brushed her off.

"No, no, I'm okay now. Honestly."

"For what it's worth I like Spencer. He's bounds and leaps above Jeremy, who has always been an asshole," She scowled and I laughed in surprise at her harsh words. "What? It's true. I never got why you were so hung up on him. It was kind of funny at the start but I would be lying if I didn't get a little concerned, especially with how cagey you got this year about it."

"Yeah, sorry about that. It's been a rough year on the whole. Figuring out what to do for college, the whole incident with Barker's house, it was a lot all at once. I think I was just trying to sort through my shit... and all the teasing wasn't helping," I said, throwing a pointed look that got a sheepish smile in response from April.

"Have you, you know, talked to Jeremy about any of this?" April asked cautiously and I shook my head.

"I probably should but he's one of the only people I can't seem psych myself up to say 'Hey, so, yeah. Turns out I'm gay' to," I admitted, sighing as I continued, struggling to get the words right, "I mean, all this time I really thought I was just in love with my best friend, nothing more than that. Just one of the millions of people who unfortunately fall for their friends. That one day I'd– I don't know, I don't want to say I would, like, 'snap out of it', like this was all some gay funk, since deep down I always guessed Jeremy would never just come out and say he liked me, but at the same time I guess that was what I was planning for. I hoped to just one day wake up and have moved on, start crushing on the pretty girl in my class or something typical like that. Which was stupid since, like always, nothing I planned for went the way it was supposed to. Spencer happened and I realized that 'Huh, maybe I just like guys after all'. How do you dump all that on the guy in one conversation and not expect the worst?"

"So, if you haven't told Jeremy, one of your oldest friends, the guy you've spent nearly your entire life with... who have you actually told? About all this? About being gay, if I'm not overstepping?" April asked, eyes wide as she rubbed a hand along the back of her neck, flustered by her invasiveness.

"You're my sister, you're always overstepping," I teased and April punched my shoulder.

"Shut up."

"Well, I told Tommo the night I ran off after the play. He was the first person I'd ever explicitly told and it was a whole cathartic moment I really needed. He even helped me sort through the Spencer-Jeremy stuff. I honestly don't give Tommo enough props," I said, smiling softly at the thought of my friend. April copied the smile, nodding. "I lucked out with Tommo."

"I'm guessing you told Spencer," she said, unease from early all but gone. "And you can cross me off the list."

I looked at April out the corner of my eye and nodded. "Yeah, I guess I can. Iris is another person, the over-invested friend as you so kindly labelled her. Oh, and Flemming knows–"

"Flemming knows! You told Flemming before me? What the fuck, Beau?" April all but screamed, quick to pelt my arm with her fists.

"Ow, Jesus. Stop it!" I hissed, trying to deflect her blows. "It was a spur of the moment thing. I had to tell someone and he was just there."

"That is so cold, Beau! You tell Thomas first too?" She huffed, pissed, and I rolled my eyes at her.

"I haven't told anyone else, I promise," I said, then paused, reflecting back on my last talk with Thomas. "Actually, I think he might've told me I was gay before I fully said it out loud. But that doesn't count– stop hitting me!"

April finally pulled back and I shuffled an inch away from her, hugging my arms close to me.

"When are you going to tell Mom and Dad?" She asked after a few minutes passed in silence. I finished off the Doritos, balling up the bag and tossing it in my backpack. Powering up my phone again I snorted at April's question, glancing away from the loading screen.

"Never," I said, adding in a more serious tone when her face broke into a scolding expression, "I hadn't really thought about it. I have no big coming out planned. I kind of like how I'm doing it, saying it to people when it feels right. Maybe in ten years, I'll tell them. Maybe tomorrow evening. I don't know. It's not like I'm scared of their reaction, I doubt this will be a major shock to their systems, but I don't want to be forced into telling people. Does that make sense?"

"Whatever you decide, we're here for you, Beau," April said softly, twisting a strand of her hair roughly until I batted her hands down. "And I'm sorry, by the way, for being such a bitch about this for years. I guess I just liked having something over on you for once, the whole Jeremy thing gave me something to tease you about. If I had known you were actually struggling with this side of yourself I would've never said anything about it, I hope you know that. I just wished you'd talked to me. I mean, I get it was a lot for you, but I hate to think you went through all of this alone and that I was just making the entire process worse."

"It's okay, stop beating yourself up. I'm an asshole to you too, that's the whole point of being siblings. Like yes, at the time, it fucking sucked having you guys make fun of me all the time but I've slowly gotten to a point where I can honestly laugh about it now," I said, reaching over to squeeze April's hand in mine. "And I wasn't alone, thankfully. I had people helping me out when I needed them. Tommo, Iris, even you and Flemming, all helped in your own ways."

"You're so annoying, Beau," April said, "But I love you, okay? I love you so much."

"I know. Jesus, April," I laughed, tugging her close when her eyes misted over. "Always with the waterworks. I love you, too."

Settling her head on my shoulder April sighed, squirming closer. "You know how much snooping you would've saved me if you'd just come out the day you met Jeremy."

"Hey, don't give him all the credit for my sexual awakening," I tutted and April wriggled away, face scrunched.

"Ugh, Beau!" she chided and I threw my head back in laughter, getting to my feet. "Gross."

"Alright, let's head home before the drunks and needle freaks arrive," I announced, patting down the back of my sweats to shake loose any stray gravel and dust still clinging to the fabric.

"I doubt drunks hang out in high schools," April countered, slipping off the ramp with a new found elegance and I ignored her.

"I miss the bike," she spoke up again as we walked out the front gates of the school, pouting up at me. "Walking home sucks."

"You just say that because I had to do the majority of the work and you got to sit there like dead weight on my handlebars," I argued. "Get your driver's license already."

"Ugh, I don't need you on my back about that too," she groaned, kicking the pavement. "Mom's been nagging me all week to get it done since my exams are over."

"I just realized with me gone, all of Mom's fussing will fall on to you," I beamed and April groaned again, shoving my side.

"Stop enjoying this," She said but I got distracted from her next words by my phone buzzing in my pocket. Lifting it from my sweats I turned the screen on, raising an eyebrow as three texts from Iris blew up my notifications in quick succession. Opening them I stopped walking.

"What's up?" April asked, peeking over my shoulder and down at the messages.

I. MALT (6:38 PM): BEAU. JUST A HEADS UP.

I. MALT (6:38 PM): SPOKE TO SPENCER TODAY.

I. MALT (6:39 PM): I SWEAR, IT'S NOT AS BAD YOU THINK. BUT... KEEP YOUR PHONE ON!

"Why are all your contacts saved so professionally?" April mused, looking up at me.

"'What did you talk about?'" I typed out, dictating the words aloud as I ignored my sister. April quirked a brow, watching with me as Iris typed out her response rapidly.

I. MALT (6:41 PM): GoT...

I. MALT (6:41 PM): What do you think we talked about???

I MALT (6:41 PM): The kiss!

I. MALT (6:42 PM): He said he wants to talk to you but doesn't know what to say

I. MALT (6:42 PM): I told him to JUST CALL YOU ALREADY!

I. MALT (6:43 PM): So... fingers crossed the nudge helped

I. MALT (6:43 PM): Don't yell at me!

"Geez, does she ever take a pause," April muttered then turned to slap my chest with her hand, mouth open in a harsh scowl. "Also you never told me you kissed Spencer... and I'm guessing she meant a kiss kiss, none of that theatrical crap! What the hell, Beau?"

"Stop being nosy–" I started only to be cut off by my phone ringing in my hand. Almost dropping it in surprise I blinked down in awe at the sight of Spencer's name taking up the screen. Beside me, April squealed, immediately hitting answer and fumbled to shove the phone to my ear.

"Uh, Spencer. Hey, what's up?" I barely managed to get the words out coherently, wincing as April placed a hand over her own mouth to stifle oncoming laughter.

"Come over," were the only words Spencer said, cutting the call.

I gaped at my phone, catching a text from Spencer with just his address.

"Well?" April said, staring up at me expectantly.

"Well, I guess this is where we part for the night," I said, pushing her to keep walking.

"What? You can't just expect me to go home. What did he say?" April gaped at me as I strode to the lights heading to the western suburbs.

"He just said to come over. I'm guessing he wants to talk," I said, squeezing my phone as my nerves started to kick in.

"Sure... 'talk'." April snorted, even going so far as to use air quotes. Dork. The lights clicked green and I threw my sister one last look.

"I promise I'll let you know what happens. Go home, April."

Sighing, she nodded and shoved her hands into her pockets.

"I love you, Beau. Remember that, no matter what happens from here on in."

I smiled back at her, pulling her into a tight hug which caught her off guard and earned the honk of a passing car for wasting the green light.

"Love you too, idiot."