Olivias POV

From the moment I rejoined the team I had a feeling deep in my gut that wouldn't go away, a feeling of constant conflict.
Everything that had happened since I arrived set in stone why the feeling was present, the angst that surrounded the team because of me caused a nauseous ache inside of me.

I was sat in silence alone in the dimly lit space that was Derek's spare room, I had come back as soon as possible after having enough of the awkwardness from the day. Sitting on the edge of the bed completely zoned out in an attempt to distract my brain from the irritating pain my hands were admitting.
I was so zoned out in fact that I hadn't heard that Derek had come home and was now standing with door slightly ajar as he called my name softly. I didn't acknowledge his presence until he was crouching in front of me with a somewhat distraught look on his face.

"Liv?" He mumbled gently, I looked up at him with wide eyes, the only word to describe my mindset at that moment was; fragile. It felt as though I could breakdown at any second "what are you thinking about?" Derek pushed, a shaky sigh left my lips, I really wanted to verbalise how I felt but I physically couldn't.
"I- um- I- nothing." I stammered my bottom lip quivering, he looked down with a combating expression for a brief second before meeting my eye again "is it okay if I touch you?" He requested I felt an immense amount of appreciation for his hesitation.

A response of a nod prompted Derek to pull me up by my arm and wrap me in his warm embrace, I tried to push back as much emotion as I possibly could as he held me close. I definitely didn't want to breakdown right now - who knows how long it would take to bring myself down from it this time.

"I'm sorry about last night Liv-" Derek began after a moment of silence "it was a mistake and we can forget about it. Just please believe me when I tell you I'm sorry" I stuck in a harsh breath, deep down there was an urge to pull away but mentally I wouldn't allow myself to do so.
Instead I opted to simply nod into his shoulder which seemed to relax slightly afterwards.

"I-I'm sorry too" I whispered, Derek pulled back looking me dead in the eyes with his brow furrowed "no, listen to me, you don't have anything to be sorry for. This is my bad okay? I screwed up and I am so unbelievably sorry for that. I refuse to let you put any of the blame on yourself" he stubbornly stated.

I looked away not convinced by what he was saying.

"Hey, hey look at me" he commanded to which I obeyed "This isn't your fault. None of it's your fault." Derek's words held vast amounts of sincerity and I had a feeling he was getting at more then just the events of the night before.
My mind was at a loss of what to say, what were the right words to say in this situation?

"C'mere" Derek whispered as he guided my head back to his shoulder, my body seemed to melt into his as the trust I always had in him resurfaced after its brief departure over the previous 24 hours.

I cherished the very slim moment of silence before my phone obnoxiously rang, breaking the soothing silence. Pulling away I shakily pulled my phone from my pocket, taking a few deep breaths in order to calm down I answered "yeah?"
"Hey it's JJ we have a case" my shoulders fell, all I wanted to do was cuddle up in bed and sleep "okay, we'll be there soon" I mumbled as I rubbed my temple impatiently.

Just as I went to hang up I heard JJs voice again "wait Liv.. how are you?" Though I could hear the genuine care in her voice I wasn't prepared to talk about anything that has happened through our the day.
Letting out a sigh I spoke up "I'm fine, I'll see you soon." My response was blunt and unnecessarily passive, it wasn't fair to go off at JJ she hadn't done anything wrong. I hung up the phone before she could reply.

"we, um, we have a case" I mumbled softly to Derek, he let out an extensive sigh before pulling himself up and offering me a hand - which I took - trying to avoid eye contact I began to move towards the door "wait.." Derek called out to me, with hesitation I turned to face him.

He stepped closer to me before speaking "Are you sure you can handle a case right now? I'm sure Hotch wouldn't mine if you sat out one more case" A small amount of irritation flowed through me but I pushed it away, trying to focus on his initial care over what I saw to be possessiveness.
"I'm fine, I'd rather focus on a case more then anything else that is going on right now" I mumbled truthfully, Derek nodded with hesitation before following me out the door.

I was lost in my thoughts the entire journey to the BAU, it had been such a long day, a long few weeks to be honest. The drama was continuously piling on top of itself while I was drowning beneath it praying for a time-out. A break.

"We're here.." Derek's voice invaded my thoughts, I hummed softly before clambering our of the car, we walked into the BAU in a somewhat uncomfortable silence our awkwardness from earlier still in the air.
When we reached the round table we were greeted by most of the team only Spencer was missing which I have to admit spiked my interest, from what I remember he was rarely late however since I've been back I've now witnessed him be held up twice.

Just as JJ was coming up with an excuse for Spencer's tardiness, he came bustling through the door "sorry I was at an appointment" he murmured "an appointment this late?" Emily inquired but before Spencer could express his reasoning Hotch spoke up and turned all the attention towards Penelope who began briefing us on the case "alright team, so 3 couples have been found in Portland," photos of the three male/female couples popped up on the screen. As I examined the images I noted that the male victims had very similar physique, slender, dark hair and pale skin - while that could also be because of the lack of flowing blood. While the only real connection between the women was the relatively fair skin tone.

"have the cause of death been established?" Spencer asked " the male in each murder asphyxiation and the women,uh, they were each raped and then stabbed to death..." Garcia said in a near whisper of distaste to which I couldn't blame her for as I gazed at the crime scenes.

"It seems like he chooses the victims based on the males physical appearance" JJ added gaining a few nods of agreement, my subconscious was firing possible motives and M.O's as I tried to convince myself to input my ideas. I still had some apprehension when it came to contributing because of how long I had been gone.
After a few more moments of mental debate I finally blurted out my theory "each of the couples were in romantic relationships so maybe is a crime of jealousy? Like if I can't have this form of happiness no one can?"

I felt a few eyes fell on me, most likely because of the uncertainty in my voice "that could very well be it, and if so maybe the unsub identifies with either the man or the woman in the relationship" David said.
"Do we think a woman could subdue the victims like this?" Derek asked, the discussion was oddly liberating to me, the constant ideas flying around gave me confidence "I mean we've seen it before a woman seducing a man but that wouldn't account for the rape aspect" Spencer concluded.

"It doesn't seem like it was done by a team, this attack has a dominate flare all over it and how often do we see a team with two dominants" I murmured looking up, everyone had confirming looks lingering in their features.

"There's definitely something here. How long between each attack?" Hotch asked Garcia "a week exactly, each murder took place on a Saturday" she mumbled, Hotch proceeded to collect the file together and bounce it on the table to collected it "that means we have less then 3 days until another couple shows up, wheels up in 20" he announced before standing and heading for the door.

I couldn't help but let a sigh leave my lips, relieved that I had built up the courage to input my thoughts during the discussion, I sensed my confidence building slowly.

The team began to file out, off to get there go bags and what not however I stayed behind for a bit, stuck in my own head as I looked over the case file again. Though I wouldn't admit it I was trying my hardest to show my worth in the team.
"Hey.." I heard softly behind me, pulling my attention from the images I turned towards the voice seeing JJ standing before me "Hey" I murmured back with a half smile.

JJ took a seat beside me, maintaining eye contact "how are the hands?" She questioned prompting me to glance down and clench my fists "their okay" I replied, pursing her lips JJ nodded "how are-" she began but I spoke over her "I'm sorry for being so quick to jump down everyone's throats recently, I don't know, it's just weird being back here yaknow. Everything's just coming back to me and it's kind of hard to deal with" my words were rushed but honest, I couldn't deny it was nice to finally put some of my pain into words.

Sighing softly JJ pulled me up to stand, with no second to waste she wrapped her arms around me into a tight hug, after a second of shock I returned the hug - a sting of tears welled in my eyes.
"You are allowed to admit your struggling, we are all here for you, all of us." She pulled away, holding me at arms length capturing my eye contact once again "Liv listen to me, what your feeling is valid, you went through so much here no one expects you to simply forget about it"

Her words vindicated my feelings completely, I had to give it to JJ - she always knew just the right things to say.
I pulled my hands up to my face to drag my fingertips under my eyes "are you hearing me?" She jokes slightly, I couldn't help my curve my lips into a smile and nod.

"Good I'm glad... now we should get to the jet before it leaves without us" she said before leading me out of the conference room, swinging past our desks we grabbed our go bags and made our way out of the BAU building.

When we finally made it to the jet, the rest of the team were waiting for us obviously ready to discuss the case in further detail, I felt colour reach my cheeks as they turned to look at us, mumbling an apology I took a seat in the nearest chair which led to instant regret when I noticed I was sitting opposite Spencer, oh boy this day just keeps getting better and better.

"Alright, So when we get to Portland it will be too late to start our own investigation so we can all just go to the hotel and get some rest, I'll assign tasks tomorrow morning" Hotch concluded after a small discussion of the case that lead to no further information without it being work hours.
Nodding the team went to disperse through out the jet.

I made the poor decision to look up and unsurprisingly made eye contact with Spencer, the awkwardness in the air thickened almost immediately "I- uh.." I stuttered out unsure if I was meant to initiate a conversation or not.
"Are your hands feeling any better?" He said in a bear whisper with a very faint smile twitching at his lips.

I sigh before replying though the awkwardness was still very present I was glad he at least was being civil towards me "their, um, their okay thanks" I mumbled pulling my mouth into a small smile, he bowed his head in acknowledgment, plunging us into silence.
Spencer slid his hand over the table in front of us and grabbed a pack of cards "wanna play?" He mumbled, sounding rather unsure of himself, I couldn't deny there was a voice in my head screaming at me to accept the offer but the bigger part of me told me to reject which I obliged.

"It's been a long day, I don't think I'd be much fun, maybe another time?" As sad as it sounds I was honestly shocked at how civilised we were being seeing as less then a day ago we were screaming at each other across the Bullpen.
Spencer pursed his lips and nodded, he looks almost.. disappointed?

Choosing to ignore it I offered him a small smile and retreated back towards the end of the jet and curled up onto one of the couches.
God this day had been exhausting, it honestly felt like it would never end.

It wasn't long until I drifted off into a sleeping state.

*Dream*

Bright flashing white light invaded my vision making it hard to focus on anything, however, I still managed to identify a large hooded silhouette standing several meters ahead of me.

There was something I about the figure that gave me an unsettling feeling "who are you?" I screamed out, my voice echoing through out the dark yet flashing room.
With no reply I screamed the same words again, yet again gaining no answer.

The shadowy figure seemed to almost glitch against the rapid light, their head thrashing from side to side  "what do you want from me!?" I yelled with more terror lingering in my voice.

After a few seconds the flashing lights seemed to speed up so it was only a millisecond between each flash, with that the silhouette edged closer too me every flash until it was a mere inch away from my face.

A sickly evil laugh erupted, the sound bouncing off the walls around us, I knew it from somewhere but couldn't place it.
"Did you miss me?" A low voice snarled in my ear and the hooded figure revealed his face.

To my horror Andrew stood before me with a almost demonic smile the continued to curve up his fave "no Andrew please no!" I screamed the fear in my body radiated through every cell.
"TELL ME YOU LOVE ME" he demanded with a cackle "no Andy please no stop"

"TELL ME YOU LOVE ME YOU WHORE" he bellowed over and over again "Andy please I'm sorry"

*end of dream*

I was jolted awake by someone shaking me, my eyes cracked open I was met with the concerned faces of JJ and Derek "Liv? You okay?" Derek questioned me as soon as he realised I was conscious "I- um where am I?" My voice was soft, still out of it mentally from the night terror.
"Your in the Jet hun, you fell asleep I guess your nightmares have started again" JJ said slowly and sympathetically, my heart fell, oh god I was yelling in my sleep again, I thought I was done with this, especially after knowing that both Jacob and Andrew we're captured. I guess being back in Virginia really did bring back awful memories.

"Oh.." I said still in a slight daze, I looked around and noticed the rest of the team surrounding me as well every single one of them had concern etched on their faces, with a quick look at Spencer it brought me back to reality "oh..oh god I'm sorry, sorry if I disturbed anyone oh god" my spluttered out, sitting up with urgency and running my hands over my face.
"Hey it's fine are you okay?" Emily asked taking a step forward, I ran a hand through my hair with my head down unsure how to handle all the attention "I'm, uh, I'm fine I'm sorry again" my voice was low, my cheeks lit with embarrassment as I pulled myself up from the couch prompting Derek and JJ to step back.

I pushed my way past everyone "wait" I heard a voice behind me but it only made me pace towards the bathroom faster.

When I finally got in the small space, I felt tears prick at my eyes, I slid down the back of the door shaking, the images of Andrew flashing through my thoughts making it harder and harder to stop the tears running down my cheeks.

I pulled my phone from my pocket as my mind came to one solution, dialling a number and pressing the phone to my ear after a few rings a croaky voice greeted me "Jenna?" I said trying to hold back a sob "Olivia? Is that you? Are you okay?" I heard her become more alert as she sensed the sadness in my voice "I'm sorry it's early" I whispered with a sniffle "It's fine, what's wrong?"
"I just - their back....the nightmares...in front of the team"  I hiccuped quietly trying not to gain the attention of the team outside, who were with doubt listening in outside.

"Damn, Alright, do you remember what Dr Olson said? They are not real, they are just a horrible memory. They can't hurt you anymore babes..." my gratitude towards Jenna increased in this moment regardless of my personal issues "...say it liv, they can't hurt you"
I hesitated for a second before speaking quietly "...they can't hurt me.. they can't hurt me" it was just a dream.

"Good, good. Your okay, love. They are gone now, your safe" slowly my breathing began to steady again, it was silent on the line for a while however the comfort of knowing she was here with me was enough to calm me down "I'm sorry for waking you up so early" I mumbled "don't apologise, you know I'm always here for you" my heart warmed at the sincerity in her voice.

Our conversation only lasted a few more moments before I let her get back to sleep. Jenna's words meant the world to me.

Standing up I turned to look in the mirror, grimacing at my reflection, eyes puffy and red, my face dulled from the lack of sleep. Cupping my hands under the running water and splashing it up into my face in a vague attempt at masking my breakdown.
Drying my face gently with a paper towel, I sniffled thinking about how much I was dreading returning to the team. I leaned forward and flushed the toilet, I at least had too keep the illusion that I didn't escape to the bathroom and cry.

They are not real.
They are not real.
They are not real.

As I stepped closer to the door, I heard voices outside "wait Spence maybe we should just give her space" JJ warned "I know how to get her down from this, we may have had our rough patches but I've helped get past this before please let me help her, I just want to know she's okay" Spencer replied in a hushed tone, my heart skipped a beat, I really don't understand him anymore.

"Reid are you sure, maybe Morgan would be more suited to help her at the moment?" I heard Hotch suggest "let the kid go, I think they need this" Derek replied with a melancholy tone to his voice, taking me aback slightly.

A large breathe left my lips as I unlocked the door and slid the door open, I had to face them eventually. A small smile graced my lips as I heard the team clear their throats as a sign I was rejoining them.

Taking a step out of the confined space I jumped in fright at Spencer standing in wait outside "sorry I didn't mean to scare you" he murmured as he searched for my eyes "uh it's fine" I mumbled avoiding his eyes, we fell in silence for the second time today though I noticed a similarity between the two; neither had felt as uncomfortable as I would have expected.
Maybe the idea of professionalism between us was helping a bit? Truthfully I didn't know.

"How long have they been back?" He asked getting straight to the point, I had to push back any emotion I felt at the moment as I looked up at him almost ashamed at myself.
His eyes were calm though full of worry which I had to admit confused me a bit, I glanced past him and noticed that -though they tried to hide it - the team were watching our interaction, noticing my apprehension Spencer turned to look back as well, sighing he looked back at me for a second before he took a few steps out and around the small corner.

I was hit with a wave of disappointment when he disappeared as I thought he had just gone to sit back down however I was proven wrong when he came back and was pulling over a curtain that I hadn't even realised they had installed in my absence.

"It may not be sound proof but it's something" he mumbled facing me again, a small smile of appreciation made its way to my face "thank you" I whispered still refusing to meet his eye.
"So how long?" He uttered, yet again wasting no time, I sighed already knowing there was no way I was getting out of this "that was the second one since I got back... the last one was just before the Suffix case" Spencer nodded with a look as if something was adding up in his head.

"Have they only been about Andrew?" He inquired "how'd you know-" I began "oh.." clicking to the fact that I was mostly likely yelling in my sleep when I noticed his expression shift to sympathy.
"...no, I wish" I mumbled causing Spencer to cock his head to the side in confusion "what do you mean you wish?"

I shifted uncomfortably on the heels of my feet, though we had put aside our angst for now that didn't mean I was completely ready to confide in him, Hell we spent a year apart after having a rather rocky ending to our relationship and he had spent every moment since I've been back expressing his distaste for my reappearance in his life, but saying that here was an annoying little tug at the back of my subconscious that wanted to put all my trust back in him. No I couldn't do that, we are over. I can't.

"Sorry you don't have to say, I just- I want you to know that everyone on this jet is here for you, anything you need. It's completely understandable that the night terrors would come back with the familiar surroundings and smells but they can't hurt you anymore I promise" I shiver shot down my spin at his words from the nostalgia from his comfort previously.
Though I wish they didn't - his words had a big control over me. Spencer Reid always had a way with words that made me believe them, in that moment I wanted to forget everything we had been through and embrace him like I would have not even 2 years ago but of course I couldn't.

There was a tug at my heart that was out of my control, for a second I despised it. This is not right. None of this is.

Spencer took a step forward, out of instinct I stepped backwards, my fear from prior torment getting the better of me. A sigh escaped Spencer as he brushed his hair through his lengthy hair "you don't have to be afraid anymore Olivia" as his mouth curved around my name there was another pull at my heart. What is happening to me?

"I know but that's easier said then done" I whispered with a sniff, looking up I met his eye as he was nodding with an unreadable expression.
We were silent for a few second as I shuffled on my feet once again unsure what to say in this situation but I was saved when Spencer spoke up again "I really am sorry about how I've acted since you've been back, I don't know, I guess it's just everything being brought up again, I didn't know how to deal with it so I'm sorry" he rushed out and stuffed his hands into his front pockets, his words taking me aback slightly.

"I thought we agreed to forget about it?" I murmured with a small smile as some form of reassurance for him, he shrugged returning the smile and responded "what can I say? Easier said then done"
My grin widened as the air between us had lighten up for the first time in weeks, it was a relief to say the least.

"Liv I-" he began but was interrupted but JJ voice from the other side of the curtain "hey guys, we are landing in a few minutes" I looked towards Spencer one last time and saw a look of discontent settling in his features but why?
"I guess we should go sit down" he said quietly, I nodded before following him out keeping my eyes fixated on the floor as I found my way to a seat, unable to meet the questioning looks of the team.

After a few seconds the couch I was sitting on dipped next to me, looking up I was met with the concerned glare of Derek Morgan, I should have seen this coming "is everything okay?" He said with out a second to spare "yeah, yeah I'm fine just a nightmare" mumbling I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible in a vain attempt to not spark anymore worry.
Slowly nodding Derek replied "I'm here if you need anything, anything at all. I'm really sorry they are back again" though his words held so much kindness and truth, deep down I knew they didn't hold the same warmth as Spencer's and I couldn't place why.

Sighing I lent my head on his shoulder as we drifted into silence while the jet landed, all I wanted to do was crawl up into bed and forget about the last 48 hours of my life.

It wasn't long before we were off the jet and heading to the hotel, when we arrived we were immediately handed our individual room keys and shown to the elevator.

The team filed off on to their floors one by one until it was myself, JJ, Emily and Spencer still in the elevator "must be a full night" JJ uttered sleepily "I heard there's a art show on this week maybe that's why" Emily responded with the same level of exhaustion in her voice as the elevator dinged, they both stepped out and turned around as if waiting for Spencer and I to follow however we both didn't "I'm two floors up" Spencer stated slightly awkwardly "I- uh so am I" muttering I diverted my eyes to the ground, the discomfort in the air almost unbearable.

Who are we kidding? Of course this would happen. Surely there was some larger force giggling her face off right now.

"Oh right, we'll see you two in the morning" with that the two girls shuffled off towards their rooms while the elevator doors slid shut.

Spencer cleared his throat as we were left in peace apart from the hushed tone of elevator music.
"This is oddly familiar" I heard him mumble with amusement "let's just hope the department isn't suffering from budget cuts this time" I joked back referring to the first case I was on and we were forced to share a room.
Glancing up after feeling eyes on me I saw Spencer looking down at me with a small amused grin that I couldn't help but return. Why did this feel so....normal?

When the lift dinged for the final time and opened I was hit with what could have been mistaken for disappointment but why? I didn't know.

When I reached the door of my hotel room I sighed as Spencer shuffled down a few doors down, as I slid the key into the handle I glanced to the side and met Spencer's gaze, I offered him a small smile before pushing myself into the room.

Closing the door behind me I could almost hear the bed calling my name, within second I was under the blankets ready to greet sleep with open arms.
Eager to leave today in the past, or at least most of today.

(HEY GUYS!! I'm so sorry for being so inactive!! I just really wanted this chapter to be worth it and I've been going through some ish at the moment lol but I hope y'all enjoy this chapter! Please leave any feedback if you have any :)) I love y'all lots I hope y'all are happy!! Xxx)