CHAPTER FOUR

It's a different day, and my heart is still heavy. It's been three days of passing of my friend and I still find it unbelievable. I haven't had the courage to pay my last respect to her mother. The last I saw Mncedisi, he wasn't okay. I wonder how he is holding up now? I heard that her family wants to bury Sizakele as quickly as possible. But the date has not yet been set. I would, too, honestly. The longer I keep her, the more I would go mad. Maybe even be admitted.
"Mama. Wake up. It's time to bathe." I shake her. I am honestly tired of the same routine. I, too, want to live my life like every other child out there. I, too, want to experience coming home back at night, being scolded at. I miss that. Not this life. Maybe this is the reason why I am unable to focus on my exams. I'm a guardian and a grade eleven learner! My life is not balancing. My mother just stares at me without saying a word. She does that at times when regaining herself from sleep.
I decided to let her be. I will come back after five minutes - hopefully, by then, she would have woken up.

I decided to do other chores while I passed the time. Forty-five minutes later, I am done. I'm craving some soda today. I will have to go to the shops once I'm done bathing my mother.
"Mama." She is still in the same position I left her in. Haibo! What is all this now?
"Mah!" I pull her up, trying to make her sit. But she is just hard as a rock. Her eyes are wide open. She is cold as ice. I feel my hands tremble. I run out of the house, not knowing where to go and who to run to. I just stand there in the middle of the road, looking all lost. Who do I run to? My hands are on my head, spinning. A hooter honking nonstop. I would rather let God punish me. I want to die. Please let this be a hit and run.
"Zama!" I know the voice. I dare not turn. I kneel on the road, trying to catch my breath. It hurts. My mother can't die. Not when I...
I feel strong arms hugging me from behind. I just sob.
"Shhh, it's okay." He says. No! It will never be okay. It's not okay!
"What happened?" He asks.
"My mum is dead." I say in-between the hiccups. The more I think about it, the more my chest burns.
"Let's go home." He helps me stand. I don't want to go home. I want to be far away from home as possible. What will my home be without my mother.

After Mthokozisi confirming several times. My mother's heartbeat is still functioning. A relief washes over me, but I don’t want to jump the gun. Dragging her body to the car was a struggle, but we managed either way. I keep checking to see if she's still breathing.
"She's fine, don't worry”. He assures me while he keeps checking us in the rear mirror. I have my mother's head on my lap for comfort and support. We are almost at the hospital. I am grateful for Mthokozisi. I don't know what I would have done without him. I will have to call my father to let him know. But not now, once my mind has cleared and know exactly what's wrong with my mother.
"Would you like something to eat?" Mthokozisi refused going home when I asked him to. He told me that he wants to be by my side for emotional support. Of which I am grateful for in so many levels.
"Yes. I am starving. I haven't eaten since morning.
"I saw some people selling outside the gate. I will be right back." He pats on my shoulder and leaves me seated. I left my phone at home. This was the perfect timing for me to call my dad. I see Mthokozisi returning back. He hands be the plastic and sit beside me.
"Thank you." I gratefully accept.
Chicken and Mayo sandwich, a scorn and juice. This shall keep me for the day. I'm not much of an eater anyway.
"I'm sure your mother will be admitted."
I suspect, too, but I don't want to think about it too much. Going back to a lonely house.

 
Government hospitals literally sucked the life out of us. We waited close to an hour without any feedback. A good Samaritan had to go to one of the wards for an update. Only to find out that my mother has been admitted. Not only that, a drip was connected to her without our consent. What if she was allergic to some of the medication they pumped into her. At least the doctor was decent enough to apologize and tell us that they had to attend to her as a priority cause she was running out of breath. For that, I am thankful. But being notified first before anything would have been helpful.
"Thank you." I don't know what I would have done without him. He has been here, not wanting to leave my side.
"No worries." He says. He offered that we can watch movies and rest a bit before he takes me home. A distraction is exactly what I need. I have suffered enough in the short space of time.
"Shall I prepare the snacks? The movie is about to start."
"I think you should. I don't want you going up and down missing all the action."
He laughs. His outside bedroom is very cozy. A mini kitchen and the sitting room, it's an open plan. Talk about his master bedroom! It's very insane. I see him preparing the snacks. He should consider moving out of his parents' house. What is the use of living with them when he can afford a good life for himself.
"A little help, please."
"Did you not say you all good when I offered you my help?" I ask.
"Hau!. But you did not offer any help." He is defeated. I laugh with him joining in.
"I didn't expect that." He says, throwing popcorn in his mouth.
"Finishing all the snacks before me." I chuck, grabbing the bowl of popcorn and leaving him behind following me with the drinks.
He sits beside me, too close. When I lean, I'm leaning on his arm, and he decides to put his around me.

Halfway trough through the movie, the romance has it bad. I can feel him getting warmer and warmer.
"I think I need to use the bathroom." I lie. The air is getting hotter by the second. And suddenly, he just looks at me with those beautiful brown eyes, and he says, “you are so precious. Do you know that?" And of course, I blushed. He leans over, taking me by surprise. A jolting concoction of emotions, racing heartbeats, and fumbles. Our heads turn swiftly in different directions. His breath escalates, making my body weaken. His hand is traveling underneath the dress I'm wearing. He pushes me, gently making my lay on my back. He gets on top of me and kisses me like his life depends on it. I hear him unbuckle his pants. I should be refusing, but my body is saying otherwise.
"Should we stop?" I don't want him to stop. I grab his face to kiss him. He reads in between the lines.
He is completely naked on top of me. I can feel the wetness on his shaft. My panties were pulled down, and my dress was pulled up. He stares at my breasts and smiles.
"They are perfect." He takes one and throws it in his mouth. This is another level of sweetness. I love this.
"Ow." Every inch of my body is aching to be scratched. My legs are wide open with him in-between them. I just want to grab him so bad and direct him on me.
It's like he read my mind. He is rubbing himself in the entrance. My juices are flowing. My clit is throbbing in excitement. He tries pushing in but gets stuck in the process.
"You sure about this?"
I nod my head. I need to do this. I want to be me for a second and forget about my troubles. I'm already in a different world I have never experienced before.
The more he forcefully enters me the more he stretches me. It hurts but pain is my second name.
"Hmmm." I grab onto his arms for dear life. After like a decade I hear a pop. I scream but my screams are being muffled by his kisses. He is fully in. I can feel it. He is slowly grinding on me slowly. He is sweating and cursing.
"Zama…" He whispers. I feel him seeking his teeth. His upper body rises. He looks down on me and smiles. You know the pain mixed with pleasure. He is rocking it in all directions. I am loosing my senses. My screams are making me lose my breath.
"Hawe mah!" I scream.
The more he hits deep the louder the screams get. The pace quickens. His moaning with his eyes closed. I feel him shaking, the next thing he collapses on top of me and pants.
"You good?" He asks still plugged inside of me. He slowly pulls out and I can feel the burning sensation.
"I'm good." He stands up and glances down at me.
"You bled."
Panic washes over me. I stand up and indeed the couch is bloody. It's not that bad. Just stains here and there. We look at each other not knowing what to say next.
"I will get the towels." He leaves me standing. I have my thighs pressed against each other praying that nothing scrolls down my legs. I have a feeling that I will be starting my periods soon.
"I think it's better if you take a bath." He suggests. I agree with him.
He fixes me water and tells me that my water is ready. Do I bathe my entire body or just my virgina?
"I'll be outside."
He walks out. You know what. I'll just bathe my sore virgina. I'm never having sex ever again!

He dropped me home later in the evening. I'm exhausted from everything. I just need to soak myself in the bath and have a good sleep afterwards. But first I need to have some communication with the water. It's been long and I miss it. I've been busy forgetting what makes me calm and happy.
The water is cold. My teeth are clattering non stop. But this will not stop me. I will not stop doing what I love. Today I'm fully naked. I'm alone in the house. I know sometimes I tend to loose it when I'm in the water.
I take a deep breath and sink underwater.
"It's been long." A woman passing by says. She gets prettier each time I see her.
"I've been busy." I say trying to catch up with her. She turns around and I see anger written all over her face.
"Too busy to communicate with the other world?" Why is she angry? I'm here ain't I?
"What happened to your purity?" She asks.
"What purity?"
She shakes her head and proceeded walking.
"Child. You need to be pure to walk this journey. You are now with child. You making your own life difficult. Look within the depth of you and you will find who you truly are." She leaves me standing left all confused.
I can hear my phone ringing from afar. I follow the sound... the more I follow the more it becomes near.
I find myself gasping for air. I get out of the bathtub and wrap myself with a towel. My father is calling.
"Baba." I hold my breath. I don't know why I’m suddenly shaking.
"What's this that I'm hearing?"
I should have known that MaNzama would call my dad. She was standing right at her gate looking at us struggling to get my mother in the car. She doesn't even know what happened but she had the guts to call my dad.
"What did MaNzama say to you?" I ask. Honestly, I am annoyed. As an elder she should have asked.
"She didn't say much. She just told me to call you ask where you taking your mother and if she’s fine. She sounded worried. " I sigh. Maybe I'm over reacting. I believe she called out of concern.
"I took her to the hospital. She was just... I don't know how to explain it. But she's not okay." I say.
It's now that I'm getting emotional. I need my father here with me.
"I will drive down tomorrow morning." He says. A relief takes over. That’s all that I needed.
"How is grandma doing?"
"She will be fine. Her BP is playing skipping rope on her."
I laugh. she is definitely grown. If she hits the bucket it will be understandable. Talking to my father has better up my mood. Maybe I will be able to focus on my books.
I received a text from Mncedisi. My friend will be laid to rest this weekend. I don't know how and what to feel. My emotions are now all over the place. I pray that God answers my prayer and punishes whoever has a hand in this!

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"Mthokozisi!" That would be his mother calling him with her sharp tongue. He decides to stay in bed and put himself undercovers. He groans when his mother opens the door letting herself in. Can't he enjoy his afternoon in piece? That pushy did him good and he still wants more of it.
"Yewena. What did you do?" She is screaming on top of her lungs. He sighs and sits up straight looking at his mother. So his father ran to his mother. He should have known.
"I killed someone." He says. His mother's face becomes pales instantly.
"Wh...what did you say?" She asks in a whisper. She was here ready to murder him.
"I knocked someone with my car and I ran off. I didn't know they would die." He adds. His mother fans herself out of shock. She sits on the bed but quickly stands. The bed is boiling - boiling as the news she has just received.
"No one saw you?" She asks.
"No. It was quite."
She walks out of his room leaving the door open. She comes back minutes later. She closes the door locking it behind.
"Have you told your father?" He shakes his head No. He wanted to tell him but the guilt prohibited him.
"Good. You will not say a word to anyone about this. You keep your mouth shut and all of this will go away. Do you hear me?" She hisses pacing up and down. Mthokozisi just stares at his mother in shock.

"I killed someone. How do you expect me to be just silent about it? If the cops investigate..."
"You said no one saw you. Right?"
"Yes."
"Then no one saw you. Just let this go. I don’t have a son that will be spending time in jail while I'm still alive." She adds. The mothers love is needed. But this love comes in a direction he doesn't want.
He decides to lay on his back and take a nap. He closes his eyes. The sound of the tires scratching get to him
He flips his eyes opens and look at his surroundings. He is not pleased with himself. Now he has to live with the guilt!