"With pleasure," says Valiant Virgin.

He explodes in a cloud of sparkles, reappearing instantly behind Minion Three and slamming both fists into the back of his head. Minion Three goes down like a sack of bricks, the phone with their precious evidence clattering into the debris at his feet. Valiant Virgin falls to his knees and tears off his long white glove to lay his fingers against White Squall's neck.

Minion Four stares at Valiant Virgin. Dominatrix's fabulous nemesis, silver high-heeled boots and all. This wasn't part of the plan.

"You're not supposed to be here," he says stupidly.

"What?" Minion Six sounds worried. "What's going on? Does Valery have someone with him?"

"Valiant Virgin," Minion Four says, then hurriedly corrects himself. "I mean, Voluptuous Vixen. I mean--"

"Excuse me, WHAT?"

"That's right," says Valiant Virgin with revolting pompousness. "And you're a no-name middle-aged rookie villain who should never have been able to beat White Squall." Yanking his glove back on, he rises dramatically to his feet. "You're lucky she's still alive, or you might not be for much longer."

"Oh, I'm not Villain," Minion Four says hurriedly. "I'm just the help."

"Uh huh. Of course you aren't." Valiant Virgin nudges Minion Three's limp body with the extremely pointy toe of his boot. "The matching uniforms are cute, but they can't stop me from recognizing the mastermind when I see him."

"Mastermind? I'm not--" Minion Four looks back and forth helplessly. Minions Two, Three, and Five are all out cold. Minion One is nothing but a mess of empty clothes. Minion Four himself is still bleeding furiously from the wound on his arm. He can taste dust in his throat and every time he moves, debris showers off his shoulders.

Everything in the bank is completely destroyed, desks and chairs and even potted plants all battered to bits and strewn across the white marble floors. His ridiculously oversized gun is nowhere to be seen. The closest weapon he can see is Minion Three's detonator, but it's fifteen feet away. Fighting an experienced hero like Valiant Virgin is nothing like fighting a rookie teenager. This is way above his pay grade. Not that he's getting paid. They should have at least listened to Two and blown up the vault.

He looks longingly at the open doors, those tempting portals to possible escape. So close, but so far. Especially when his enemy can teleport and look sensational doing it.

At least the Minions put up a good fight, unlike Professor Force.

"Wait! You took credit for the Professor Filibuster heist! Have you been working with Warehouse Sale all along?"

Valiant Virgin tilts his head. "You mean Professor Force? How do you know about that? Oh, you hired the same team he did, didn't you?" He looks around at the unconscious Minions. "I'm surprised they didn't run away this time. But who is Warehouse Sale? I think you're a little confused."

"I'm not Villain!" Minion Four protests, flexing his hands and really wishing he had his giant gun. Or even his knife, which he lost somewhere in the middle of all this mess. He feels naked without a weapon. "I'm just one of the Minions."

"Where's Villain, then?"

Minion four points at the empty pile of clothes with the shoulder pads and goggles on top. Valiant Virgin looks at them, then back at Minion Four.

"He disappeared when he died!" Minion four says, taking a step backwards. "You have to believe me! I'm not--"

A cloud of rainbow glitter fills the empty space where Valiant Virgin was standing. Minion Four tries to turn, but strong hands seize his arm and force it up behind his back in a motion no human shoulder was designed to withstand, not even a transcendent one.

Gasping in pain, he cries desperately, "I know she's unlicensed!"

"What did you say?" Valiant Virgin wrenches violently, and suddenly Minion four is very hot and just drenched in sweat and his shoulder isn't even dislocated yet, just so fucking close he wants to cut his arm off to make the agony stop. He struggles, but that only makes the pain climb up his neck to blaze in his skull.

"White Squall!" he wheezes. "We took pictures of her and they're on the inter-- the clou-- They're out there! And if you kill me they will never be taken down and everyone will know her secret identity."

Valiant Virgin doesn't say anything, but the way his fingers tighten on Minion Four's arm makes it clear he heard.

"I know that she's unlicensed," he repeats, sweat running in rivers down his back. "The only thing the authorities hate more than a villain is an unlicensed transcendent running around as a vigilante. If you don't let me go, she'll be unmasked and she'll go to jail for the rest of her life."

Valiant Virgin slams him to the ground, and he only has time to gasp at the agonizing release of his shoulder before there's a knee wedged in his ribs and a very sparkly fist ready to crush his nose in. "How do you know that White Squall is unlicensed?" he growls.

"Just something I overhead, you know, gossip and all that--"

In a single motion, Valiant Virgin reaches down and tears his mask off. Minion Four scrambles to cover his face, but it's too late.

"Min?"

"If you wanted me to take my clothes off, all you had to do was ask."

Sputtering, Valiant Virgin lets him go. Minion Four stumbles to his feet. They stare at each other, and Minion Four is finally close enough to see the tired, piercing eyes staring out at him from behind the bedazzled white mask.

"I would say it's nice to see you again, Valery," he says slowly, rubbing his throbbing shoulder, "but the circumstances aren't exactly ideal."

"I knew something was up with you, Min. Oh--Minion. You didn't even try, did you?"

"Because Valery and Valiant Virgin are so much better! You know, they're both Val, which sounds--"

"You really aren't Villain, then." Valiant Virgin's face twists in disgust. "You had us over for dinner! What was that, reconnaissance?"

"That was Dom's idea! That never would have happened if I could've helped it. As if I would have wanted to invite Wavering Sunsets into our house and holy shit if I'd known about you--"

A door slams. Minion Six skids into the room, panting. "Get down!" he shouts, lifting the pink, cat-adorned rocket-propelled grenade launcher to his shoulder.

Minion Four dives.

KABOOOOM.

"Nice try."

Glitter poofs behind Minion Six. Valiant Virgin kicks him in the back, knocking him onto his knees and sending the pink cat RPG flying. Then he puts him in a headlock.

Minion Four crawls out from the rattling rubble, coughing up dust, to see Minion Six spluttering and struggling to no avail. Valiant Virgin can't take two of them at once. He leaps to his feet. If he can just get to that detonator-

Valiant Virgin snaps Minion Six's neck and disappears into another rainbow glitter bomb before the empty clothes even settle to the floor.

As Minion Four's stomach twists with Minion Six's death, a cloud of sparkles blinds him. With a shout, he throws himself backward, but when his vision clears Valiant Virgin is pointing his own absurdly huge gun right at his face.

"You just-- What the fuck!" he sputters, raising his hands in a gesture of surrender. "You're a hero! You're not supposed to just kill people like that!"

"And you and your associates are threatening my niece's future!" Valiant Virgin yells, his handsome face twisted with anger. "Where are the photos? I know you didn't upload them anywhere. Wynter told me you're incompetent at technology. So where is the camera?"

"We're not giving you the camera, Val," comes Dom's silkiest voice.

Valiant Virgin whips around. The gun remains trained firmly at Minion Four's head, who stays very still as he shuffles his eyes sideways to see.

Dom has one spiky heel planted firmly on White Squall's back. She's decked out in her full Dominatrix costume, all black leather and latex with those deadly thigh-high boots and a whip coiled at her waist. She looks even better in the suit than Minion Four remembers, and when she smiles that perfectly villainous smile, he goes weak in the knees. He's so relieved he might cry.

Tossing the Minions' phone from hand to hand, she says, "Thanks so much for arranging this little meet and greet, doll."

"Dominatrix!"

"You look surprised to see me, Val." Dominatrix grinds her vicious heel into White Squall's back. Valiant Virgin winces, staring at the phone she holds loosely between claw-like nails. "Isn't this what you wanted, when you broke our deal? Just like old times. You, losing. Me, winning."

"No, you were retired, you were never supposed to--" He looks wildly at Minion Four. "Wait. Dom- Dominatrix. Oh my god. How did I not realize--"

"No one ever accused you of being intelligent," Dominatrix says with a tinkling little laugh. "I never would have walked blindly into your house the way you did into ours. Or tried to train my unlicensed niece as a hero when I'm not even licensed myself."

Valiant Virgin stiffens. "How did you--"

Smiling slowly, Dominatrix taps the Minions' phone against her lips. "I heard they stripped you of your license when they found out about the deal you made with me. You were disgraced, I'm told. Such a shame. Not very understanding of alternative arrangements, are they?" She fakes a sad look, his gaze trapped in hers. He must have forgotten about her talent, to let her snare him so easily.

He grits his teeth. "I broke the rules. I deserved the punishment."

"Foolish of you, to risk coming back unlicensed when doing so makes you a criminal, too."

"It's always been Wynter's dream to be a hero," Valiant Virgin says. "And when her talent manifested after the accident, there was no other option. I had to teach her everything I know."

He's fully in her thrall now. Unless something distracts them, he'll keep talking until she lets him stop. As he speaks, the gun wavers a little, and Minion Four begins to edge very slowly towards the detonator.

Dominatrix turns the phone over thoughtfully between her palms. "How can you let her risk her life like this? She's a kid, Val."

"So were we, when we first started this! Or have you forgotten?" Valiant Virgin sounds like he's convincing himself as much as her. "But when they found out she was related to me, they refused to license her. I'm the one who made a deal with a villain. It's unfair to punish her for it. So we have to show them. She has to be so good they can't refuse her. And when she comes to them with several arrests and Henchr on top of it, putting every villain in Big City in the palm of their hand, she'll be a hero. Er. A more worthy hero? A hero among heroes. They won't be able to refuse her, then."

"Henchr?" Dominatrix says, in that controlled way that Minion Four knows means she's hiding surprise. "That is clever."

"She's a genius! White Squall will be the best hero Big City has ever seen, and all of you will regret--"

"You're boring me." Tucking the Minions' phone firmly into her very tight bra, Dominatrix unhooks her whip. "Doll? Give me some fireworks."

Minion Four sprints for the detonator.

As soon as she breaks eye contact, Valiant Virgin's face hardens. "You won't get away so easily!"

Glitter fountains. Dominatrix spins to catch his kick on her hip. Her whip cracks, and the gun sails from his hands. Sparkles fly everywhere.

"Give me that phone!"

Smack.

"Not even a please? Tsk. What happened to your manners?"

Snap.

Scooping up the detonator, Minion Four almost trips straight over the bag of smoke bombs. He slings that over his shoulder, too, then books it for the door, glass crunching underfoot.

Valiant Virgin flashes in and out of sight, leaving little farts of sparkles behind with every pop. He cracks Dominatrix across the jaw. She lashes her whip across his back. Every move flows like water, as though they've both been training for this very moment since the day they made their deal to mutually quit the business that obviously neither of them ever intended to keep. They're so evenly matched that Minion Four can't tell who's winning.

A kick catches her ankle, then a fist slams into her knee. She rolls over her shoulder and pops back to her feet. Her whip tears strips from his costume and the flesh beneath. He dances back, breathing hard. She swallows some air and pushes forward. The air shimmers, thick with glitter.

In the distance, sirens shriek.

Standing in the shattered remains of the door, Minion Four puts his fists on his knees, panting. "Babe, I've got you covered!" he shouts.

Dominatrix dodges a flailing punch and snaps her whip tight around Valiant Virgin's neck, yanking him right up to her and catching the front on his costume in her other fist. He gasps, scrabbling at his neck. She bares her teeth, sweat trickling from her hairline, dark eyes wild with the thrill of the fight. Minion Four is inexplicably very turned on.

"Listen to me closely, Val. It amuses me to watch you compromise your own ethics and turn yourself into a criminal to help your niece. So today I'll let you live. But I'm keeping the photos. Consider it insurance. If you try to reveal our secret identities, White Squall goes down with us."

He kicks her, weakly, too close to her to muster any power. "Your secret identities are the flimsiest things I've ever seen!"

"We've never been caught, have we?"

"Dumb luck. You won't get away with this," he rasps, his face beginning to turn purple.

"My husband is about to blow this place sky-high. You can come after me, or you can save the girl. Your choice. Make it fast."

Slipping the whip off his neck, she kicks him in the stomach in the same slick motion. He flies across the room and slams into the wall, cracking his head. Minion Four throws half a dozen smoke bombs.

Fwwwshhhhh. White smoke billows up, filling the whole room in seconds.

"Wynter!" Valiant Virgin cries desperately. Scraping and scrabbling sounds float out of the opaque whiteness.

Dominatrix strides calmly out of the plumes of smoke like a goddess of death, her heels snapping against the broken remains of the marble floor. "Do it."

Minion Four presses the detonator, and all of the remaining explosives go off at once.

kaBOOO-OOO-OOOM.

They hear the columns cave in, marble creaking and smacking to the floor. Smoke leaps and flows. With a terrible CRACK, the ceiling mural splits in two between the oversexualized elephant and the morose-looking tiger. The whole building groans and sags inwards.

Dominatrix's deliciously evil laugh rises over the destruction and echoes cruelly off all the walls. "MWAHAHAHA."

Minion Four wishes he hadn't worn such tight pants.

"Wynter!" Valiant Virgin screams, somewhere in the midst of all the smoke and falling stone. "I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, VILLAINS! YOU WON'T GET AWAY SO EASILY!"

Dominatrix links her arms through Minion Four's, a satisfied smile on her blood-red lips. He smiles back at her, a huge, foolish smile because he had been sure he was going to die tonight and instead here is, walking away triumphant with his fabulously evil wife, even if his legs are jelly and he's getting a little light-headed from all the bloodloss and in moments he's probably going to vomit again when three Minions die at once in the collapsing bank.

"What an excellent date night you planned for us, doll. Now, where's our getaway car?"