Austin

The night is relatively quiet and my frantically thumping heart has now calmed. During the few hours between Bruin walking me home and now, I have only managed to change into some comfy clothes I only wear at home: a pair of sweatpants, a humongous hoodie and my fuzziest socks that just so happen to be a light pink colour.

Rummaging through the fridge, I decide on making some noodles with minced meat for dinner. Putting the pot of water on the stove to boil, I look around my house in boredom. It is a small family home and it was all me and my parents needed back when they were still... here. An open floor plan for the kitchen, dining area and living room, two bedrooms and a bathroom. My favourite place in the whole house is the big armchair next to the couch because it just swallows me into itself and I like the warmness it creates that way. Add in a fleece blanket and I'm sold.

Now that the water is boiling, I put some spaghetti in there and take out a small pan to start frying the minced meat. Frying anything is and always has been a hazardous task for me because every time something on the pan goes 'pop', I flinch or jump away from the stove entirely. I'm really jumpy sometimes and frying can be divided into two main parts: checking the stuff on the pan and jumping away from the pan. I have felt the grease burn before and I do not want to feel it again.

Luckily for me, I've gotten a hang of the seasoning over the years. At first, it was just shaking some salt and pepper on and hoping it was enough only for the food to either turn out to be really bland or way too salty. Like my mum used to say, "measure by feeling". Imagine my horror every time I was asked to make lunch or dinner and having to season it. I'm more of a recipe kinda guy, where every measurement is certain like "a teaspoon of salt" or something. I don't know how to measure things by feeling. But as I already mentioned, it has gotten better over the years so now I just power through the whole process.

Ten minutes later, the food is ready and I make myself a heaping plate of spaghetti. Adding some ketchup and grabbing a fork, I make my way to the living room, the armchair being my intended destination. I plop my body into it and start shovelling food into my mouth because it has been way too much time since lunch. To my luck, the spaghetti isn't too hot so that my mouth remains unscathed by the hellish fire... Dismissing my odd turn of thoughts, I snuggle into the fuzzy-blanket-covered armchair and instead focus on enjoying every mouthful.

After my dinner is eaten and the dishes done, I head to the bathroom for a nice warm shower. The small room steams up quickly and I hop in after a brief scan of myself in the mirror above the sink. I will have to cut my hair sometime soon as the light brown strands are getting a bit too long for my taste. My grey-blue eyes are as lively as they've ever been, still slightly bigger than I'd like them to be. Sometimes I remind myself of those Disney princesses with their huge eyes. Obviously mine aren't that big but the similarity is there.

After I have made sure to wash every nook and cranny squeaky clean, I make my way to the bedroom while toweling my hair. A clean pair of boxers and the hoodie I had on before my shower is all I pull on before I make my way back to the living room. There, I snuggle back into my favourite dark blue armchair and wrap the blanket on it around me. Grabbing a book from the coffee table, namely Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban, I settle myself in for the rest of the evening.

***

I'm awake before my alarm. The clock on my bedside table shows 6:52. I'll just close my eyes for those brief eight minutes... I don't have work today but waking early is a habit I formed voluntarily during my high school days. It helps me make something of my day and not just lounge around in bed until noon. An early start to the day gives me so much more time to get things done, also it makes me feel better and more energized.

When the alarm rings out I shut it off and swing the covers off of me before pushing myself into a sitting position on the edge of my bed. I yawn as I stretch my arms over my head and get up, plodding my way to the kitchen to turn the kettle on. That done, I turn to the fridge and pull out the packet of butter so that it can warm up some so that I don't have to try and spread a block of ice on my toast.

A few minutes later, my stash of tea has one less bag in it and a steaming mug of water, that is slowly turning golden brown, sits on the countertop. I leave it there to open the curtains around the house and make sure no plants need watering. The occasional twinkle of sunlight peeking through the grey clouds dominating the sky hit my face and make me smile. I can just tell it is going to be a great day.

Living on the edge of town means the view from my kitchen window is of the forest looming around our small town. It mostly appears dark and gloomy but on days like today, when the sun shines, it transforms into a magical wonderland. Probably why I decided to go hiking on Friday. A knock on the front door brings me out of my thoughts of that glorious day.

"I swear to stars, if that is Justin trying to ruin my morning, I'm going to knock him on his ugly little ass." I mumble to myself as I slowly shuffle towards the door. Unlocking it, I pull it open just the slightest bit to make sure no one unwanted is standing there just waiting to push themselves into my little haven. To my surprise, I find Bruin standing there with a small grin and a handful of wildflowers in his grasp.

"Oh, hello, Bruin. Didn't expect to see you, what's up?" I manage to fix whatever valve has been denying normal thoughts and words access to my brain. I still cringe internally because it totally sounded like it was an unpleasant surprise to see him here. You just can't act normal, can you?

"Good morning, Austin. You mentioned yesterday that you have a free day today so I uh... thought maybe we could, like, hang out or something?" I can see him mentally frowning and kicking himself for the awkward delivery of words and swoon. This man is so precious and he doesn't even know it. I smile at him, amused and he blushes before clearing his throat, seemingly just remembering the plans in his tight grip. He thrusts them at me with a shy "I brought these for you."

I take them with a thank you and bring them to my face. Oh my stars, these things smell so good and they look so pretty in an arrangement like that. I realise we've been just standing in the doorway staring at each other and smile nervously before inviting him in.

"You're up early." I mention as he pulls his boots off and he nods bashfully. "I have always been an early riser. Sorry if this is an inconvenience for you, I just saw you opening your curtains and thought, well..." It is intriguing seeing the confident and slightly flirty man be turned into a blushing mess in my kitchen. Also, I am not even going to think about the fact that he saw me opening the curtains. What if I hadn't woken up so early? Would he have just stood around, staring at my house until he saw some sign of me waking? I simply don't have the energy or time right now to ponder on those thoughts.

"No, it's alright. I was just about to make myself some breakfast, would you like some?" I make my way to the cupboards and rummage through them to find a vase for the flowers I'm holding. I arrange it and put it on the dining table as a centerpiece. I haven't received flowers in such a long time, I've forgotten how much they can liven a space up.

Bruin shakes his head. I assume he already ate so I shrug my shoulders and start on making my sandwich. I notice him standing awkwardly in the middle of the room and tell him to make himself at home. He sits at the dining table and once my sandwich is done, I join him. There is a comfortable silence between us as I eat and I get this thought into my head of this moment becoming a regular occurence. Oh what a dream that would be...

I finish my now lukewarm tea with a quiet slurp and stand up to wash my dishes and- dear mother of stars! I'm still only wearing my hoodie with boxers underneath. Only boxers underneath. I blush furiously and really hope Bruin hasn't noticed my state of undress.

Trying to act normal, I strut my way to the sink with the plate and mug in my hands. I turn the tap to get the water running and reach into a cabinet next to the sink for the dish soap. A sharp intake of breath brings my state of dress back to the front of my mind. How could you have already forgotten? You literally just discovered it.

I straighten myself back into a standing position and thank stars that I can keep my back towards him while doing the dishes. What must he think of me, bending down in front of him in so little clothing? Why can I just never catch a break from embarrassing myself in front of him?

After the dishes are back in their respective places and the countertop is wiped clean of any crumbs, I turn around to look at Bruin, who has been just sitting there pretty and looking around the whole time. "So, I'm just going to uh..." I start while making a weird gesture with my hands towards the door which my bedroom resides behind. "Put on some pants?" The cheeky little mongrel finishes my sentence with a mischievous smirk on his infuriatingly handsome face.

"Yeah, that." Is all I manage to squeak before making a mad dash for my bedroom to relieve myself of the continuously rising tension in the room. Who knew the atmosphere in a room could change so quickly? I could have almost cut through it with the buttery knife I washed mere minutes ago.

Pants and socks on, I try to tame the mess on the top of my head with a few swipes of the comb. It apparently doesn't know the word "cooperation" today. Oh, well... I rummage through the drawer of my bedside table and take out the package of chewing gum. I pop a piece into my mouth and hope it will do the work of making my breath if not pleasant then at least manageable. Somebody is preparing to get kissed? Interesting... Oh shut it, you nimwit. Blushing at my own thoughts, I rush out of my bedroom so that Bruin wouldn't have to wait too long.

A big whoosh of air leaves my body, accompanied by my hands clapping together. "So... you said something about going out?" And now I'm holding my breath, hoping he doesn't take my words the wrong way, I'm not sure if he was insinuating us going out as in going out or just hanging around. I'm not even certain which I want more because while he is a handsome specimen I wouldn't mind being together with, I can't possibly even imagine the reaction of the people surrounding us in this town. My life is hard enough as it is, why should I add another factor that would make it even more difficult to avoid the stares and whispers? I would be happy with just some friendly company, too. Stars know I don't currently have any.

"Yes, um, there's this place out in the woods that I'm sure you would enjoy. Considering the way we met, I don't think you've seen it yet." He stands up and pushes the chair under the table.

We make our way to the front door where we put on our boots and I grab my leather jacket off a hook on the wall. It is dark brown in colour and made with real, durable leather. It has become one of my favourites ever since my parents... died. It was my dad's. Some days it feels like it still smells like him, a combination of the black coffee he drank at least two cups of every day and the cologne he wore. A faint scent of cigarette smoke clings to it as my mother always shrugged it on when she went outside for a break.

I grab a scarf and a beanie from the shelf below the coats and wrap myself in before taking my keys and stuffing my phone into one of the pockets of my jacket. I look back into the living area and kitchen to make sure no lights or anything were on before walking out the door where Bruin was already standing and waiting. I lock the door and turn the handle to make sure it is locked before turning around and stuffing my hands into the jacket pockets. The morning air was crisp and clear, not exactly something I would consider warm but Bruin seems to think otherwise. He is only wearing a light jacket over his t-shirt, no hat or scarf or gloves. He doesn't appear to be bothered by the slight gusts of wind or the chilly air so I just shrug it off. Maybe he's one of those cold weather loving people.

I follow Bruin as he walks across my backyard and leads us into the forest. It's funny I don't even consider the fact that he could have some sort of malicious intent, I follow as if it is the most natural thing in the world for me to do. We don't converse as we walk, opting to listen to the birdsong of the feathery creatures that don't travel south for the colder period. I hear something akin to a crow cawing. That's when the "and this is how I die" thought worms itself into my brain.

I breathe in deeply, trying to draw courage from the morning air and mist. "You aren't going to just lead me into the woods and murder me, are ya?" I add that little twist to hopefully hide the slight tremble that has set itself into me and let him know I'm just joking. He whirls around and stares into my eyes with his own widened ones, looking absolutely horrified at my jest.

"I was just joking!" I add in before the horror in his eyes can turn to something else or before he can tell me that yes, that is exactly what he was planning. Either way, I don't want to know the outcome. He stares at me with his wide brown eyes for a few moments more before turning around and hesitantly resuming his earlier pace, sneaking peeks at me from the corner of his eye. Way to kill the mood. See what I did there? The inside voice cackles as I try to keep myself from shaking my head at its stupidity. I don't need Bruin questioning my already questionable sanity.

We keep walking through the forest that has already woken for the day, sunlight glinting off of dewy leaves and shining brightly in my eye through the canopy of not yet fallen leaves. Everything looks so fresh, the moss underneath our feet a bright emerald green, sparsely covered with colourful leaves of red, yellow and orange. The colours bring out the otherwise dull greens of the evergreen trees, spruces and pines standing dark and quiet like guardians of the forest. It doesn't look like all will be ending in a short time, like everything won't be covered in a muted white and silence. If we get any snow, that is.

The cold air stops snipping at my nose as I warm up with the walk, starting to border on becoming sweaty. That is the exact moment I notice Bruin coming to a stop before me and I stop as well before I crash into his back. It would no doubt hurt my nose. He steps aside before I can even open my mouth to ask why we've stopped. My mouth opens anyway but only to stay open as I stare slack-jawed at the vision before me.

A lake, glistering in the morning sun that is not blocked by the trees anymore. Rocky banks and trees surround the lake as if they're walls, stopping anyone from entering the magical garden full of water. The lake is so dark it appears bottomless, endless. There could be a whole village down there and nobody would know for it is covered by the water and the sunlight that reflects off the water, making it appear impenetrable as if there is a sheen of light that covers the whole surface. No one unworthy is allowed entrance.

I come out of my musings to discover that Bruin is staring at me with a smile, finding amusement in my utter disbelief. I turn to him with an eyebrow raised in question and only just remember to shut my mouth, the click of my lower teeth meeting the upper ones is so loud in the silence surrounding us that I blush.

"Stop laughing at me..." I mumble under my nose but he hears it and answers with a "I'm not", all the while the grin on his face is stretching wider until it basically reaches from ear to ear. I huff and I know I'm pouting if the straying of his eyes from my eyes to my mouth is anything to go by. It's his turn to blush slightly when I clear my throat and he realizes I caught him. He doesn't turn away, however, but keeps looking at me. And then he winks at me. Bloody winks. He's a cheeky bastard is what he is. I fall further into the playfulness of the moment and send him a stinky-eye which makes him full out laugh. The deep sound resonates in the air around us and I can practically feel the soundwaves caressing me. It's warm again and I hadn't even realized I had cooled down some after the trek here.

"There are a bunch of rocks over there I like to sit on when I come here." Bruin leads me towards the boulders that for me look much like any other, I haven't got a clue how he separates them from the rest. Maybe he's just messing with me? I follow him either way and perch myself on a rock that allows me to be eye-level with him. Finally... The stone under me is warm, no doubt the sun has been shining on it since dawn. It's slightly odd, I didn't think rocks could heat up so quickly, the sun hasn't been up all that long yet.

We sit in silence for the next half an hour, staring at the lake and mulling our own thoughts. I like the peaceful feeling, I don't have to hear anyone whispering about me or see people go out of their way to avoid passing me on the streets as if I'm contagious or something. For a welcome change, no one stares at me. Well I don't know about that...

Bruin harrumphs and when I turn to look at him, I see that he is already staring at me. "I knew there was something I had forgotten, I was planning on bringing snacks so we wouldn't have to just sit here." He explains and I grin, stretching my back and legs. I hop off the rock as my butt had turned numb quite some time ago and stretch my arms above my head, waiting to regain feeling in my limbs that had fallen asleep. "It's quite alright, I just had breakfast anyway. Are you feeling hungry already?"

He shakes his head and I hop back onto the rock, this time so that I'm facing him. "This is such a nice place. It's peaceful and quiet and I can just let my thoughts flow. A perfect place for meditating, I guess. How did you find it?" I cross my legs as I sit on the rock and wait for him to answer my question.

Bruin hums in thought, looking at the sky and then the lake and its surroundings before turning back towards me, leaning onto his hands that are placed slightly behind him on the flat rock. "I think it was my Nanna that brought me here..."

***

We sat there for a few hours, him telling stories about his Nanna and himself when he was a small boy. Damn, his Nanna sounds like the scariest yet coolest old lady ever, I would really like to meet her. Bruin tells me he'll take me to visit her sometime in the near future. It gives me mixed feelings because one one hand it is reassuring to think he thinks highly of me, enough to take me to greet his only remaining family member. On the other hand, I'm filled with trepidation because I am still unsure whether he wants to be with me or he just sees me as a possible friend. Why is this so confusing? It's not exactly like I can just outright ask him because then he might get the wrong impression. And then there's the question about what I want. Do I want to be with him? Be with him, be seen with him and brave all the comments that are sure to come? Or would I rather be safe and not complicate my life any further? What if I just can't take it anymore one day and decide to move away, what then? Would we still keep in touch? I don't want to lose him but at the same time I'm not sure I can let him get close. What the hell am I supposed to do?

My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions during our walk back. I think Bruin understands I need to think because he hasn't said a word since we left the lake other than to remind me to be careful every time I trip over a root or almost walk face first into a tree in my distraction. The warm grip on my arm brings me back to the forest for a few moments before I'm lost in the jungle in my head again.

"You said something about needing to go to the store?" Bruin's voice pulls me out of the grip of the vines and I blink as I look around me and see again. His brown orbs stare at me and now they're more like dark chocolate instead of the milk chocolate they were like before. His brows are drawn together and his lips pressed into a thin line. I've never been able to read people's emotions well but it is clear now that he's concerned. His eyes are warm despite the darker colouring. I bring my focus to the question he asked instead of dumbly staring at his face. "Yeah, I need a few things..." I trail off, wondering if he'd like to come with or if I'd already ruined any chance of even a friendship forming.

"Well I might know the woods like the back of my hand but you're going to have to be the guide in this labyrinth." He jokes and I'm grateful that he didn't pry and also that he still wants to spend time with me even though I haven't exactly been the best companion during the walk back to the town. I grin and relax. "It's this way."

I turn and as we walk side by side towards the small building at the centre of the town, we resume our lighthearted conversation and joking from an hour back. It is surprisingly easy to fall into step with him and talk about nothing and everything. The backs of our hands brush against each other as we walk. It feels oddly normal.

We reach the store and head straight for the shelf where I can find my beloved orange juice. I grab some snacks and other small necessities while walking towards the check out. Bruin trails behind me and snorts amusedly when he sees my giddiness at finally getting my orange juice. He looks around in what I perceive to be wonder -- of what, is my inner question -- but he doesn't look like he wants or needs to buy something so I pay for my things and leave the store with him practically on my heels. He reminds me of a younger me who stayed close to my parents whenever we went out of the house, not wanting to be left behind.

Bruin offers to carry some of my snacks and I hand them over with a grateful smile, putting my wallet back into the jacket pocket. We walk next to each other again, strolling over the wonky cobblestone streets that appear to be older than time itself. He's halfway through telling another one of the stories of a younger Bruin wandering the forest and getting lost many times when we're rudely interrupted.

"Well would you look at that. How cute." The voice pierces and scratches my ears uncomfortably and makes me unconsciously shiver. I rip my gaze from Bruin's face to find no other but Justin standing some feet in front of us. His arms are crossed over his chest and he stands there like a teacher that thinks they've caught a student cheating during a test.

I look back at Bruin and see that his brows are scrunched like before but this time, there is no warmth in his eyes as he silently assesses the man standing in our path. I see the muscles move as his jaw clenches. His eyes narrow slightly and he looks at Justin like a predator looks at its prey. From the corner of my eye I see Justin shift slightly in his spot before he grounds his feet again.

"So who's this? Your boyfriend?" I can almost see the maliciousness twirling in his mind and being injected into every word he utters. I crack and panic, suddenly bombarded with the memories of what he did to me during our time at school. How he pushed me around in the halls and constantly threw pencils and rubbers at me during classes. They way he ripped my backpack from my grasp and spilled the contents all over the floor in the corridors. The way he stomped on my books and things, the way he looked at me as he pulled my pencils from my pencil case and broke them one by one. Those pencils were my birthday gift and my favourite ones... I'm reduced to the awkward and shy teen unable to stand up for himself as the memories cloud my mind. My vision is clouded with sudden tears and I know my face is burning a bright red.

"No! He's no one, I just dropped my things and he helped me pick them up." I deny any familiarity between Bruin and me, whether I do it to protect him or myself I don't know anymore. I've seen what happens to those that try to help me and I know what Justin will do to me. Us being together in any form would mean horrendous suffering and I don't want to live through it again. You've grown, there's nothing he can do. I shake away the thought because I know he will hurt me, he always does.

I refuse to look at Bruin, I don't want to see the expression on his face. What if he's relieved? He now has an excuse to end this whatever-it-is between us and I can't say I would be surprised to see him use it. But what if he's hurt by my words? I couldn't bear that either, knowing I'd hurt him the way others had done throughout my teenage years -- denying any connection to me in fear of retribution.

Turning towards Bruin but still keeping my eyes on the stones beneath my boots, I try to grab my snacks from him. He, instead of giving them to me, holds onto them tighter. "I'll help you get them home. Wouldn't want you to drop them again, eating crumbled crisps is never fun." The voice he uses is cool, chillier than the gusts of wind that pass us. I wince but nod my head and slowly turn towards Justin again, he is standing in the direction of home, after all.

I pass him with Bruin hot on my heels and as I do, I hear Justin mutter "freak" in my direction. It is quiet so I doubt Bruin heard it. I bite my lip and walk down the street quietly. The rest of the walk to my house is spent in an uncomfortable silence. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see my house.

We reach the front door and I stand there, fumbling awkwardly with my keys. My hands are shaking and the key just doesn't go into the bloody keyhole. A warm hand covers mine and holds it steady, The key slides in with ease and turns, unlocking the wooden door with a click. He leads my hand back into my jacket pocket and I put my keys back in there. When Bruin tries to pull my hand out of the pocket, however, I keep it in there and turn myself away from him so he's forced to let go of my hand.

He sighs, defeated, and shifts on his legs, clearly unhappy with the way I'm acting. But doesn't he see? I'm doing what's best for the both of us. Are you though? He sighs again but doesn't say anything. I open the door and stomp in, placing the carton of juice and a package of sweets on the shelf below the coats. Next to them I throw the beanie I wore today. Bruin is waiting on the doorstep, he doesn't come in and I'm glad. I don't have the energy to push him out.

He hands me the snacks he's been clutching onto and I take them, the packages crinkled. I brave a peek towards his face and see deep pools of chocolate staring back. They're... sad. Hesitant. Bruin lets go of the packages hesitantly, knowing I will shut the door. It seems to me he doesn't want to go. But it's for the best that he does. I know it.

He mumbles a low "goodnight" when it's clear I won't say anything. I nod, he nods and then he turns, pressing his hands deep into the pockets of his light jacket. I still wonder how he hasn't frozen and for a moment I think he has but then he keeps moving. Away from my front door and towards the forest that is once again dark and looming behind my house. I shut the door and lock it before I can do anything stupid.

It's for the best.