I stood in front of the door of our old paint chipped apartment. I fixated on the door instead of the impeding doom I was feeling, I notice the door used to be a nice cool grey, but due to the weather & how old the building was, was turning to a much darker grey. Almost black.

I wanted to stand there for hours, decrypting the doors history, rather than face what I knew was bound to happen.

So many scenarios leapt & tumbled through my head, one after the other getting worse & worse.

But as the door started to open on the four of us, light leaking through onto our face, all the bad scenarios that went through my head finally seemed to be better than what was in front of me.

Leorio was holding the door, his eyes darting to each one of our faces. His face seemed flushed pink from crying, & his eyes were filled with panic. His eyes landed upon me last, & the look he gave me...god, the look her gave me...sheer disappointment.

My heart sunk, & I wished the earth would've swallowed me up right now. He could've chosen to be mad at me. He could've chosen to yell at me. He could've chosen to kick me out of our house due to my troublemaking.

But he chose silent disappointment, that seemed to chill me to my soul. Everything else seemed to have been a better choice at this point.

We all stood their in ripped up tux's & a dress, looking beat up & tired. Looking like we must've made a mistake. All except Kurapika of course, who was probably exhausted, on top of frustrated having to see the three of us at such a horrific scene.

Without a word, he opened the door for us to come in, & we all filed in one by one in, not a peep coming out of any of us.

The three of us were about to head to each of our rooms, thinking that would be the appropriate measure in this situation, until Kurapika sternly stated, "Couch."

So each of us filed over, Gon, me, & then Killua sat on the couch side-by-side. We all stayed quiet, as Kurapika & Leorio stood behind us in the kitchen, quietly speaking to one another. So quiet we couldn't hear their words, but not quiet enough we couldn't hear the exhaustion & worry being expressed in the conversation.

I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to sit alone & wallow. I wasn't strong enough to be by myself. I didn't deserve to be saved. I don't deserve to be sitting here now, where Leorio had been sitting here for our worried about me.

I wanted to be alone, think about the things I had done. Maybe for a week or two, just like they'd do back at the Zoldyck mansion.

Would you ever do this to Chef, Karma? Oh wait, you already did. You left him. I bet you he's worried sick about where you are, ever since you up & left him for a boy you barley even knew. How heartbreaking...your first father figure feeling like he's never meant anything for all those years...while an infamous assassin takes up your heart more than him, when you know he could wind up killing you at any moment if he decided.

I stared at my lap, the rips, blood, & rubble seeped into the fabric. No matter how much I'd clean it, the memories will still be there.

No matter how much I run, I cant run from my past. No matter how much I think my life ig better now, I can't run from the fact I left behind one of the most important people in my life.

I gripped the bottom of my dress, starting to shake ever so slightly. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes, as my thoughts were over consuming me.

Do I deserve to be here? Should I ever have left? Will I ever be more than just some maid, the help?

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

Don't be weak, or at least don't show your weakness. This is your fault, so you have to deal with the downfall.

I heard a sigh come from behind us, & footsteps approach. I saw a hand try to reach for one of mine gripping my dress, but I refused to let go. Kil left his hand out for a few more minutes, before revoking it back in sadness.

I just can't pull myself to do it. If I can't help myself right now, I can't help him. I need to help myself before I can do anything else.

Simone in front of the three of us cleared their throat, causing me to look up at them. Kurapika, still in his tuxedo, his eyes tired. He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was a little frazzled from the fighting. He stood crossing his arms, while Leorio stood beside him with one arm crossed, & the other one punching the brink of his nose, trying to breathe.

"Before we discuss anything, all I want to say is-" Killua started, but quickly got cut off by Kurapika raising his hand in front of him, asking him to stop. Killua nodded, & remained quiet.

Kurapika looked at Leorio, then back at us, & clearly exasperated says, "What were you guys thinking?"

I flinched a little, trying to keep it on the downlow, "I uh-"

He continued on, trying to reign in his anger, "What made you think going to the auction would be a good idea?! On top of it, Leorio already had told you guys you weren't to go. & you guys lied to him? How are we supposed to trust you guys if you can't even follow simple instructions given by us to keep you safe?"

"Maybe I'm sick of being babied!" I snapped, instantly covering my mouth as it came out. I didn't expect to actually say it, but here I was, all eyes on me, widened in shock.

(AUTHORS NOTE:) - first, please vote for my story, & maybe follow?:)

HEY GUYS!!!

Hope you all enjoyed this update!!! I had to write this from my phone cuz my computer hasn't been keeping my drafts of writing on here:((

BUTTT!! GUYS!! GREAT NEWS!! I've been adding to my 'notes' on here - which is where I keep the plot of everything & anything that's supposed to happen on here - & I added a lot more than there was before.

I'm super excited to see where this heads: any questions, comments, anytbinf about the book / characters / etc ? :))

Anyways!! Drink some water!! Eat some food!! Stretch if you haven't!! Be safe & have a wonderful day/night/evening wherever you are!!

Know that your so loved & valid ok? <33

Until soon!

- Author Ven <33